Sex Ed 102 Q & A: Threesomes

Question:

Hi Kara_Sutra,

I have a question to ask, my boyfriend and I have been talking about having a threesome for his bday and I’m still not sure because in a way I think it might ruin our relationship. What are your thoughts on this?

Answer:

First off thank you for watching and supporting what I do!!

In regard to the threesome question, personally I think that is a conversation you need to have with your partner. It is very common for couples to want to experiment or toy with this idea, however though it can be fun in the moment, if not handled properly the after effects can be very damaging.
There are a few things I suggest;
1.) Make sure that there are rules…and that you STICK TO THEM.
Threesomes are something that in order to happen safely, and with out repercussion, there needs to be a level of trust and honesty between the couple. By clearly defining what the rules are and sticking to them allows you to decide for yourself, and as a couple, what you are personally ready for and willing to experience. If you agree to have rules and you DO stick to them, the couple usually doesn’t have such a hard time with what happened because the level of trust was respected by not being broken or ignored during the act.
2.) Talk about your fears with each other.
Again, there needs to be a level of trust present before the couple brings a third party into the mix. By talking about your fears you are able to clearly express why you may not want to experience a threesome and allow your partner to understand where you are coming from. It also offers them the opportunity to reassure you and you to reassure them of the strength of your bond. In some cases when a person openly expresses their fears with another they are presented with the opportunity to face them in a safe environment that is free of judgement.

3.) Make sure you use protection at all times.

By this I mean that any time a bodily fluid is transferred between any partners you have a barrier. Whether it be dental dams (and or) condoms (and or ) female condoms, ALWAYS practice safe sex. You never know who has what, and sometimes it takes a while for a positive result to be shown on a test. Just because a person was deemed a clean bill of health this week, it doesnt mean they will be next week. Another thing that I want for you to make sure of is that everytime you change partners, the barrier also changes…what I mean by this is if you are having intercourse with your partner and he switches to having intercourse with the other party, that the protection also changes, otherwise you he may transfer something from you to the other person and vise versa.

4.) Make sure that the other party is someone you both trust and feel safe with. Also make sure that the other person is someone that will NOT be a threat to either of you or your relationship after.

5.)Decide 100% for yourself that you are willing to go through with it.

Its funny the level of pressure we can feel from a partner when they want something. Its also funny how often we comply, even when it is something we dont want to experience ourselves. Most often our thoughts are consumed with wanting to make the other person happy, sometimes its due to our fears of loss, sometimes its due to our own insecurities, and other times its because we are selfless individuals. Whatever reason you may think of that is propelling you into this experience, make sure, 100% sure that it is something YOU want to explore and experience. Otherwise you may be very upset with the after effects and the damage it can cause to not only your relationship, but YOU. Please also keep in mind that if at the last minute you dont want to go through with it, that it is OK. Don’t do it!

6.) Talk about it after.

One thing that most couples do after they have an experience like this is shut down. They don’t talk about it or offer any information to how they feel. They instead bottle it up and keep hidden away from themselves and their partner. This is not healthy and can be very dangerous to your relationship. My suggestion is to make an agreement before hand to talk about it after, no matter how hard or overwhelming. Just talk about it. This gives you both the opportunity to reaffirm your bond and deal with any issues you may be facing both as a couple and with yourself.

That’s pretty much all I can offer in regard to my suggestions or thoughts on the matter. I hope that it helped in some way and maybe gave you some insight to the way things may either get better or fall out after.

Hope it helped

Kara_Sutra

 

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