I usually have a really hard time writing reviews about products I don’t like. It’s not that I don’t like voicing my opinion. It’s that I understand how my experience might not be common and therefore, not necessarily something that would apply to everyone.
Besides that, when it comes to disappointing aspects of a product i.e. that’s it not the most powerful, not waterproof etc, well those are not necessarily issues I think are worthy of a general ‘disliking’, and for the most part, things I can live with (for the record I will include them in my reviews just so everyone knows what they’re getting).
Pain on the other hand, especially when not expected or wanted, I cannot.
*I’m talking real pain, not the kind you ask for in the throws of a passionate, throwing caution to the wind, heat of the moment situation. Nor am I talking about a preplanned or arranged BDSM scenario. Those are all together different and usually enjoyable.
Having said that, and considering the discomfort (read pain), confusion and frustration the Split Dildo unleashed on me and my poor unsuspecting vagina, well, I really don’t feel so bad about giving my two cents.
The Good
Like most of my reviews I’m going to start this with the positives, of which (for me) there were only two;
1.) It’s crafted out of 100% medical grade platinum silicone that feels soft, smooth, velvety and very supple to the touch. Because it’s made of such high quality material it’s non porous (so it won’t absorb bodily fluids, lube or bacteria), hypo allergenic, hygienic and phthalate/latex free. Simply put, it’s body safe in regard to material… it passed the flame test, so I’m not going to argue with them on this.
2.) The packaging is simple, plain, respectful, and can be very easily recycled. Having said that, it’s just a plain pink box that feels like construction paper with the word “STIC” written in silver print on the front. It’s not overly dramatic, nor is it quality made, yet considering the fact that it’s not covered in half naked men or women in compromising positions, I’ll take it.
The Bad
Ugh, where do I begin…
When I got the Split Dildo out of the package it smelled like gasoline, paint thinner or some other weird kind of harsh chemicals. I wish I could describe it, but I can’t. All I can say is that whatever it was it gave me one hell of a headache. This lead me to believe that it wasn’t silicone, opting to do a flame test, of which it passed. With that in mind, I have no clue what caused the smell to begin with (shipping?) or why it still stinks. I originally thought it was just mine but after tweeting to a fellow sex toy reviewer I was told that hers smelled as well. Maybe yours won’t stink. Maybe it will. Either way, I warned you.
*for the record, I’ve boiled it, let it sit in soapy water, washed it 4 times and while faint, it still smells bad enough to give me a headache.
UPDATE: I messaged my contact with the company regarding the smell and this was the response I got (forgive the language barrier);
SplitDILOD made from 100% platinum silicone and can’t smell. Probably your item has not normaly polimerized becouse in Russia been very froze minus 25-30 degree C and in our factory been very cool. When item has been shipped and been in a bag the smell rise up. Sorry, it shock for us!
After reading the response I wrote back, stating that ‘freezing temperatures’ usually shouldn’t have any effect on the silicone, to which he replied:
“About smell we found a reason. We use high quality gazoline for clean a table and cloth from silicone. I think we cleaning a table and your item contacted this it. Sorry again and do not worry, gazolin smell will go out and not danger for health. It never case again!
So now not only was the product smelly, but it also *may* have come into contact with gasoline. I’m sorry but even if it’s “high quality” gasoline, I don’t want my vagina coming into contact with it. Period.
*Over the last 5 years I have managed to collect literally 2 FULL bins of silicone sex toys… NEVER ONCE! did any of them smell of anything. Not gasoline. Not cleaner. Not chemicals. Nothing. The Split Dildo was the ONLY time this has happene. Clearly they need to sort shit out at the factory.
How To Use… Just Don’t.
Aside from the horrible smell, insertion is far from easy. If you ask me, it’s almost unusable. Between trying to hold the ‘splits’ together when all they seem to want to do is fling apart the second you let go, to relaxing and becoming aroused so it enters easily, trying to hold onto the damn thing when your hands are covered in lube (I needed a lot) and finally trying not to to get lube everywhere in the process it’s just one giant, frustrating, irritating mess. #fail #fail #fail!
Unfortunately there are no instructions or information about the product that could help me figure out how to use it or what to do with it. On top of that, there’s no website listed anywhere, whether on the box or the product. Nor is there any help or suggestions to make the usage of the product easier when you do get to the website. All you get is some wacky .gif images (shown below) that don’t even resemble a body (it’s a square with a few lumpy parts).
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Maybe it’s just me, but after all the mess and stress of the Split Dildo I assumed the sensation would be worth it. Wrong!
After about 20 minutes of wrestling with it I finally managed to get it inserted, not comfortably I might add. In all honesty, once it was inserted it felt like someone had rammed some kind of prod inside me and cranked it open. Not fun. Not pleasurable. Not something I’d want to thrust and definitely not arousing or orgasm inducing. Shit, going to the gyno and having my Dr. crank me open with the speculum is more fun.
On that note, it’s thick, very thick. We’re talking 5 inches thick (the website lists diameter, not circumference). For me, that’s painfully thick. Suffice to say I don’t think it’s a product that someone who’s not used to inserting things would like, especially those that don’t like the additional feeling of having something pressed against their cervix (it’s 6.3″ in length). That in mind, it seemed like the deeper it went the more it hurt. Clearly my vagina is not a fan of being forcefully stretched open.
As if all of that wasn’t enough, removal was no breeze either; the entire time I was pulling it out, it was expanded internally, so it felt like I was being stretched from the inside out. The ‘dragging’ sensation wasn’t very nice either. As I said earlier, not fun.
No matter how much I tried, the experience was just too frustrating, annoying, painful and disappointing for me to maintain any level of arousal. When I’m not aroused, I’m not enjoying myself and for the most part, I feel like quitting. And yet, I didn’t quit. Instead I gave it four separate attempts on four very separate occasions…sadly, none of them worked out for me which is why I’ve written such a scathing review. Maybe your experience will be different and maybe you’ll love the Split Dildo. I just know that I didn’t and don’t.
My Suggestions
Having pointed out all the negative issues with the product, I sat down and tried to think of ways they could be remedied. This is what I came up with:
1.) It should be thinner. I measured the circumference and 5″ is very thick, especially for a product that stretches open even wider. Maybe I’m wrong, but I think people who have never used toys, haven’t had much inserted in them and have a smaller body would not find this comfortable or enjoyable. Maybe if it was thinner a larger market of people could try it and in turn enjoy it. (offering 2 sizes might be a good idea)
2.)Make the split less extreme. As I said in the previous suggestion, the product stretches rather wide, which for me was the main reason it hurt. If the manufacturers could find a way to make it less forceful when it opens, having some kind of dial or way of adjusting it to accommodate different body types might make it hurt less. (Je Joue did it with the G-Ki which is somewhat customizable)
3.) On that note, coming up with a way to close or clench it for insertion and removal might be a good idea as well, especially considering that holding it together to insert it was one giant pain in the ass and removal hurt, really hurt.
PS – Spot?
For those of you curious about the design, the whole point of the Split Dildo is to stimulate the G-spot AND the PS-spot all at once. What’s that you say, the PS-spot?…ah yes, the ever elusive and rarely talked about PS-spot: for those of you not in the know, the “PS” stands for perineal sponge, which lies between the vagina and rectum (usually otherwise known as the “taint” for guys). This sponge is a mass of erectile tissue that when stimulated, fills with blood and becomes engorged, just like a man’s penis and a woman’s clitoris do when aroused.
Fortunately jabbing at it from inside the vaginal canal (shown in the .gif images above) isn’t the only way to stimulate the PS-spot, it can also be stimulated from inside the anus (for those of you into it) by gently pressing toward the front of the body (opposite the g-spot). If inserting fingers into your anus isn’t your forte you could always insert a curved silicone dildo or vibrator that’s meant for g-spot stimulation, just angle it toward your lower abdomen. Who knows, you just might like it and like they always say, you’ll never know unless you try.
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Cleaning and Care
Considering that many of you won’t heed my warning and instead, want to try it for yourself, I figure it’s worth including the necessary info to help it last;
Since it’s made of silicone you can bleach it, boil it, place it in the dishwasher, wash it with anti bacterial soap and water as well as spraying it with a compatible toy cleaner. Keep in mind it’s made of high quality silicone so it won’t absorb any bacteria, bodily fluids or lube.
As for lubes, I’d only suggest a good water based lube as using a silicone lube with a silicone product will eat away at the surface of the product and may, with time, cause it to deteriorate. Considering that one of the great things about silicone products is the fact that they’re non porous, using a silicone lube may just defeat the whole purpose.
Final Verdict
All in all I think the Split Dildo was a really great idea, one that very likely could have brought a whole new level of pleasure to the market. Sadly (for me) it wasn’t very well executed in regard to the design. Like I said, it hurts – a lot. That’s enough for me to bid it a very fond farewell and never think twice about it or wonder what I’m missing.
If you think it’s a product you’d like to try, whether out of curiosity sake, thinking it’s a product that may work for you or because you enjoy the euphoric bliss that being in a state of pain can sometimes bring, well, more power to you. Feel free to check out the Split dildo website where the product is available in four different colors.
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