Over the last year I’ve received an alarming number of messages from my female viewers regarding “pain during sex”. For some it’s an annoyance, for others it’s made it impossible for them to have an orgasm during intercourse, let alone enjoy the experience. As such, I thought I’d address the situation covering the various reasons it could be occurring.
The most common causes for pain during sex are: lack of lubrication (creating friction), a largely endowed partner (read: a big dick), an insufficient amount of foreplay and time spent on getting aroused, not being relaxed enough (which may cause tension and tightening).
Emotional
For some the issue isn’t as easily defined as it may be due to a negative previous experience which causes them to tense up as/before the penis is inserted. Sometimes called or identified as “Vaginismus”
I have a question to ask, my boyfriend and I have been talking about having a threesome for his bday and I’m still not sure because in a way I think it might ruin our relationship. What are your thoughts on this?
Answer:
First off thank you for watching and supporting what I do!!
In regard to the threesome question, personally I think that is a conversation you need to have with your partner. It is very common for couples to want to experiment or toy with this idea, however though it can be fun in the moment, if not handled properly the after effects can be very damaging.
There are a few things I suggest;
1.) Make sure that there are rules…and that you STICK TO THEM.
Threesomes are something that in order to happen safely, and with out repercussion, there needs to be a level of trust and honesty between the couple. By clearly defining what the rules are and sticking to them allows you to decide for yourself, and as a couple, what you are personally ready for and willing to experience. If you agree to have rules and you DO stick to them, the couple usually doesn’t have such a hard time with what happened because the level of trust was respected by not being broken or ignored during the act.
2.) Talk about your fears with each other.
Again, there needs to be a level of trust present before the couple brings a third party into the mix. By talking about your fears you are able to clearly express why you may not want to experience a threesome and allow your partner to understand where you are coming from. It also offers them the opportunity to reassure you and you to reassure them of the strength of your bond. In some cases when a person openly expresses their fears with another they are presented with the opportunity to face them in a safe environment that is free of judgement.
3.) Make sure you use protection at all times.
By this I mean that any time a bodily fluid is transferred between any partners you have a barrier. Whether it be dental dams (and or) condoms (and or ) female condoms, ALWAYS practice safe sex. You never know who has what, and sometimes it takes a while for a positive result to be shown on a test. Just because a person was deemed a clean bill of health this week, it doesnt mean they will be next week. Another thing that I want for you to make sure of is that everytime you change partners, the barrier also changes…what I mean by this is if you are having intercourse with your partner and he switches to having intercourse with the other party, that the protection also changes, otherwise you he may transfer something from you to the other person and vise versa.
4.) Make sure that the other party is someone you both trust and feel safe with. Also make sure that the other person is someone that will NOT be a threat to either of you or your relationship after.
5.)Decide 100% for yourself that you are willing to go through with it.
Its funny the level of pressure we can feel from a partner when they want something. Its also funny how often we comply, even when it is something we dont want to experience ourselves. Most often our thoughts are consumed with wanting to make the other person happy, sometimes its due to our fears of loss, sometimes its due to our own insecurities, and other times its because we are selfless individuals. Whatever reason you may think of that is propelling you into this experience, make sure, 100% sure that it is something YOU want to explore and experience. Otherwise you may be very upset with the after effects and the damage it can cause to not only your relationship, but YOU. Please also keep in mind that if at the last minute you dont want to go through with it, that it is OK. Don’t do it!
6.) Talk about it after.
One thing that most couples do after they have an experience like this is shut down. They don’t talk about it or offer any information to how they feel. They instead bottle it up and keep hidden away from themselves and their partner. This is not healthy and can be very dangerous to your relationship. My suggestion is to make an agreement before hand to talk about it after, no matter how hard or overwhelming. Just talk about it. This gives you both the opportunity to reaffirm your bond and deal with any issues you may be facing both as a couple and with yourself.
That’s pretty much all I can offer in regard to my suggestions or thoughts on the matter. I hope that it helped in some way and maybe gave you some insight to the way things may either get better or fall out after.
Hope it helped
Kara_Sutra
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I have a topic for one of your videos, which I watch all the time by the way. Keep it up you do a great job teaching us guys things.
Ok to the story (this is something that happens but no one talks about)… I met a nice girl and we have been going out for about three months now. She told me she was a virgin back in month one, which took a load of my mind because I’m one to. However recently she let me finger her and there was: no pain, no obstruction, no blood (this was without taking her skirt off) The other problem is she wont let me look down there. . . Literally she wont let me see her.
Now keep in mind I have no idea what I’m doing, but I’m not dumb and I don’t like this game.
When I asked about it she told me “oh I took care of that with a tampon when I was 13” I said okay because at the time being a virgin myself I thought … okay maybe.
However with more time to think, the not bleeding part doesn’t bother me . . . but lying to me does
She’s basically made me feel like shit. Worthless. That I’m not worth the truth.
Even though I like her want to spend time with her she’s not instilling trust.
(frankly it scares me – what else could she lie to me about)’
I think this happens to a lot of guys and gals out there and these days sex is hard enough! So now I’m stuck wondering, is she really a virgin?
I suggest you make a topic of one of your videos Truth and Honesty.
Thanks for your time.
Answer
Hey,
First off thanks for watching my videos and supporting what I do!!
As for the issue your dealing with… unless you know for a fact 100% that she lied to you about her virginity you shouldn’t assume that she did. Just because she didn’t bleed, there was no pain or obstruction, or because she wont let you look at her “down there”, that doesn’t mean that she isn’t a virgin.
Also please keep in mind that the hymen has nothing to do with a persons actual ‘virginity’ anyways.
In my “all about the hymen” video I clearly state (I suggest you watch it) that a person may have torn their hymen in many ways before they ever had sex; from using a tampon (which she stated), riding a bike or a horse, gymnastics, exercising etc. Any form of strenuous activity can tear a hymen at any age, so please don’t take the fact that she didn’t bleed to mean she wasn’t a virgin.
As for there being “no pain”, she may have been really enjoying herself and therefor was very aroused and lubricated causing it not to hurt. Don’t forget every woman’s body is different and the experience of enjoying ones own sexuality or sexual activity can vary from person to person.
In regard to her not letting you see “down there”, it most likely has nothing to do with her not being a virgin (especially considering you can’t tell if a girl is a virgin just from looking at her vagina), instead, she’s probably uncomfortable with her body especially her vagina, and is most likely very embarrassed.
Don’t forget, if she’s a virgin no one has ever seen it before, she has probably never really looked at it herself and may still have some kind of shame or shyness to showing something so personal to someone else. Even you. You have a dick that extends from your body, you probably look at it everyday without thinking twice, so showing it to someone else probably feels like second nature. Unfortunately her relationship with her genitals likely isn’t the same; in order for her to see it she’d have to use a mirror, sit uncomfortably, have enough light to see everything, and be comfortable enough with herself to spread her lips and look around. For a lot of females, that’s something they’re just not comfortable with. She has every right to feel however she does about her body, after all it is hers.
Just to maybe put things in perspective for you, I receive at least 10+ emails a day from women, virgins and non virgins alike, that all tell me they aren’t comfortable with their body, especially their vagina. Some feel the that inner lips (labia minora) are too long, some feel they are too small, others think that the outer lips (labia majora) are too “puffy” or too thin, some think the vagina itself looks ugly, others feel it’s to light, dark, pink, white, black in color, some think it looks weird, and some just hate it all together.
You’re girlfriend isn’t alone in how she feels, if that is how she feels, and in time with trust and self confidence she will most likely come to feel she can show you something that is very personal to her.
In regard to the “trust and honesty” comment, you can always start by opening the doors of communication yourself and actually ask her why she wont show you, rather then blaming her, accusing her, or making her out to be the bad guy trying to pull one over on you.
If after talking to her she tells you she wasn’t a virgin, and did in fact lie to you, well then you have every right to feel duped. But until then, don’t jump to any conclusions and instead try to see it from another perspective… that of a female who may not be comfortable with her body yet, but was still willing to allow you do be intimate with her, something that after all does require trust.
Hope that helped
Kara_Sutra
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I just wanted to ask if maybe you could tell me what’s wrong with me; every time I have sex with my boyfriend I can’t climax. I can have them on my own… just not with him. Help! I can’t orgasm, and I’m really starting to wonder what’s wrong with me?
Answer:
What you’re facing is unfortunately very common. So let me first just put it out there that there’s nothing wrong with you and it’s not any ones fault. Most women have had at least one (if not a handful) of occasions where they aren’t able to climax with their partner, men too. It’s normal, natural, and nothing to be embarrassed by. It’s just part of being sexually active.
Before I offer any suggestions, I’m going to throw out a few scenarios as I find it can be helpful to think outside the box when addressing issues like this.
Solo Sex vs Coupled Sex
You said you can come on your own, but not with him, maybe it’s a case of nerves, maybe you don’t feel totally relaxed, maybe you’re scared you’re going to look stupid, either way what you’re going through is pretty common. Let me explain…
When a person climaxes during intercourse it requires being in a position where they’re comfortable, feel safe, and trust the environment, and/or person they’re with, not to mention being comfortable in their own skin and/or the way their body will behave.
Although this isn’t always the case, sometimes our bodies do things we can’t control when we orgasm – convulse, make faces, twitch, say embarrassing stuff, flail, shudder, squirt, scream, shake, tense up, go limp (to name a few) – and no matter how hard we try, we just can’t stop that from happening. Allowing someone to see us ‘out of control’, for lack of a better term, requires vulnerability and courage. Two things that can be very hard to muster up when we already feel exposed.
When we masturbate, things are usually quite different; most people ensure they’re in a place where no interruptions can happen, that they’re secure, and the worries they have are limited; they aren’t scared someone else will get soaked if the squirt, that they’ll be laughed at for the look on their face/something they do or say in the heat of the moment, or that they’ll be judged for they way their naked body looks. Basically, there’s limited to no risk of embarrassment when masturbating, allowing us to let go completely, which definitely helps with achieving an orgasm.
Throw another person into the mix all sorts of embarrassing situations present themselves. Often times we’re not even conscious of this and enter into sexual relations unaware, only to end up disappointed. This isn’t to say that we’re not comfortable with our partner(s) or that we don’t love him/her. It has more to do with the conscious/unconscious state of being and the willingness to share a very intimate and personal experience.
One thing I’ve come to learn from most women is that once they have had a self induced orgasm in front of their partner where nothing “bad” happened, they are better able to achieve an orgasms with them next time around.
With that in mind, I suggest you take a night where you both masturbate for each other. I’m serious. Relax and allow yourself to have an orgasm in front of him. Try not to be embarrassed or afraid to let go. Don’t rush, take as long as you need. Do it for you and you alone. Use whatever toy you feel works best and that you love to personally play with. If it helps, just pretend that he isn’t even there. Sit him in a corner by himself in the shadows and do all of the things you would normally do for yourself. Whether it’s lighting candles, playing music, fantasizing about a male/female you are attracted to or putting on your pajamas. What ever you do when you are by yourself, do that.
I know it’s probably a scary, overwhelming, intimidating, and bizarre idea to throw out there, but if you trust your partner, self, and want to get past any issues you might be having it’s worth trying. What’s the worst that can happen? …you’ll have an orgasm, might do something embarrassing, he’ll make you feel better about it, and the next time you’ll both know what to expect. No biggie. Trust me, if he loves you and wants to see you happy, he’ll do whatever it takes to make you feel comfortable in your own skin.
Other Suggestions
For as hard or uncomfortable as it might be, talk to your partner about your insecurities and the things that make you feel vulnerable in the moment. If they understand where you’re coming from they may be willing to help you explore and feel confident in your skin.
Try using toys during sex. It is VERY common that most women can’t achieve an orgasm without the clitoral stimulation that a penis can not provide. By introducing toys during sex you create the much needed stimulation of the clitoris.
You also might want to look for a more powerful vibrator like the Hitachi Magic Wand as it may be “harder” for you to reach the level of arousal you need from clitoral stimulation to achieve an orgasm. Keep in mind that not everyone is built the same, so what might take one woman 1 minute of stimulation to reach an orgasm might take another 10 minutes, a half an hour, or even longer.
When it comes to sex there are certain “levels” within the a persons Sexual Response Cycle that need to be reached in order to achieve an orgasm. You may want to watch my video on the subject in order to learn more about your body and the way it’s reacting, so that you can understand what’s happening and hopefully figure out what you specifically need to do.
Finally, stop trying. One of the main problems that people face when achieving an orgasm is that they forget to relax and enjoy it. They stress themselves out about and end up not being able to allow it to happen naturally. Remember, sex is supposed to be fun not stressful.
It may take more then one go at it, but with time if you are able to relax enough to let go and surrender to that primal part of yourself, you should be able to reach an orgasm. Enjoy it!
hope that helped
Kara_Sutra
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I’m a sex-positive advocate, reviewer, vlogger, branding, media and publicity creation consultant. In 2007 I created a series on YouTube called Sex Ed 102 to educate on sex positivity, pleasure products, sex tips, tricks, & techniques, contraception options, and STI info. To date Sex Ed 102 has gained over 17 million views on YouTube alone! Keep reading...
