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Review: Divine Interventions Baby Jesus Butt Plug

Baby JesusYes, you read the title correctly. I’m reviewing a Baby Jesus Butt Plug.

Unlike my review of the Diving Nun, I’m not going to make any apologies. I’m over censoring my experiences, especially when it’s done for those who are unable to differentiate between a silicone molded sex toy called the “Virgin Mary” – for dramatic effect – and having sex with an actual crucifix (which would be wrong, since the sharp edges COULD STAB YOU IN YER BITS). If there is a product I feel like reviewing I’m going to, without shame, embarrassment, fear of retaliation, or guilt… so if you feel this deserves a warning before reading on, you can find one here.

Of course I do know that no matter where I take this review, or what I do to make light of it, many of you will be taken aback. So, in an effort to make it clear that we’re all on the same page let me just say this: I’m well aware of the potential implications and consequences sticking a little Jesus in my ass could create. Being married to someone who went to a very strict Catholic school I’ve been informed that this review in particular will practically pave a gleaming golden walkway to hell, complete with my very own fiery arches, winged apocalyptic horse drawn carriage, fanged minions, royal diamond encrusted scepter (sourced from unethical places and workers, of course), all topped off with a set of brass knuckles to rule them all… and I’m totally okay with that.  At the end of the day I’ve made a living toting sex advice and slinging dildos. What’s one more silicone mold to add to the fire and brimstone?

I kid, I kid. Ugh, I’m just making it worse aren’t I?! Pffft. As if this is the very worst I could do.

p.s. if anyone can draw me the above stated scenario in graphic novel form I’d be beyond wowed.

First Holy Communion clean up napkinPackaging

Like the other Divine Interventions goodies, this adorable little plug arrived swaddled in nothing more than a First Holy Communion napkin to protect it; no clam shell plastic, no flimsy cardboard box, no thin plastic bag. Literally nothing other than the shipping box. For some this may come off at cheap or impractical, but to me it’s highly appropriate, especially considering the nature of the product; if someone was  come across it they wouldn’t necessarily know what it was granting you the privacy and discretion you deserve. More than that it’s cost effective and eco-friendly. Plain brown boxed Jesus for the #win.

The Good

Regarding all of the non blasphemous reasons I think the Baby Jesus Butt Plug is a grand ‘ol time:

With the exception of facial features, namely the chubby little cheeks and forehead, the silicone body is supple and smooth with a generous bit of squish and give. Even with the variety of ridges to work past, it’s not overwhelming or intimidating, instead being designed to effortlessly slide and ‘pop’ into place with a generous amount of lube… just don’t make the mistake of thinking you wont feel much, because you will… a very weird experience indeed; what you’re sensing is the total awareness of Little J’s head going in your sphincter. Thankfully the bumps aren’t obnoxious or well defined, instead working quite well as a way to gauge how far it has traveled. It’s like a built in GPS system shared between you and J.  I’m smirking at the thought.

baby j vs tantus ryder

Once inserted it’s not too big nor too small, being perfect for those looking to try something larger and sleeker than the Vixen Creations Buddy, but a tad more sensational and stimulating than the Tantus Ryder (both of which are fantastic if you’re  afraid to explore, but willing to try). Size wise you’re looking at 4.5″ inches in length, 3″ inches insertable, and 1.5″ inches in diameter, all of which are pretty standard measurements where butt toys are concerned. Comparatively speaking, if you like the Tantus Ryder you’ll likely find they’re pretty damn similar, with the only major differences being the texturing and tapered lower portion; size wise, their near identical matches (pictured left).

On that note, the flexible and elongated flared base is far more desirable than typical round versions as it doesn’t shift, turn, slide, or spread the ass cheeks uncomfortably apart, instead fitting with little to no discomfort. For the most part it makes itself unknown, unless you’ve never used one, in which case you’ll know it’s there, at all times. For those that like suction cup action (i.e. thwacking your product down so it stays in place allowing you to mount it), once suctioned to a flat surface it stays stuck extremely well with little to no shifting or moving (great for use in the shower or tub).

When it comes to anything you pop in your butt you’ll want to make sure it won’t absorb bodily fluids, lube or bacteria, being that Baby J is made of non-porous silicone all the bases are covered. It’s also hypoallergenic, non-toxic, phthalate and latex free… basically put, if cleanliness is next to Godliness, this may just be as close as you’ll get where ass toys are concerned. And for the record, it passed the flame test with flying colors.

Totally unrelated to the usage I have to say that the coloring is quite stunning, displaying a lovely deep Merlot hue marbled with metallic charcoal grey and black tones, all gleaming like the North Star in the night.

IMG_6282

size comparison

flared base

flared base

A Hand Full

A Hand Full

Back Of Plug
Back Of Plug

The Bad

There’s a fair amount of grooves where bodily fluids, lube and debris will collect, requiring more attention when it comes to cleaning. On the plus side it’s made of quality silicone so nothing will actually absorb into it, and a 3 minute purge in boiling water will sterilize it completely.

IMG_6287Before I continue I just want to point out that the next ‘issue’ has absolutely no effect on the usage of the toy, instead being more of a silly-little-bizzaro-land-masochistic-perfectionist expectation than a real complaint; if I’m going to be cramming Baby Jesus in my ass, I’d like the product to resemble him so closely that I legitimately feel the guilt and shame a sinning blasphemer would. After all, isn’t that the whole point?  Sadly it certainly doesn’t look like him… in all honesty, I can’t help but think it could be the potential offspring of Big Baby from Toy Story 3 and Spider Baby (a.k.a Babyface) from Toy Story 1, if that could even be a thing. Or a baby ninja turtle, without the shell and fun colored bandana of course. Either way it’s cute, but not close enough. If only the one angry eyebrow could satisfy me esthetically. *sigh*

Again, this isn’t necessarily a fault of the product, just something you’ll want to keep in mind since the ass doesn’t self lubricate, and silicone can often create a drag on the skin, you’ll need lube, and lots of it to make insertion as easy as possible. If you’re not fully relaxed, lubed or ready, yes, you’ll likely find it a tad uncomfortable, but if you follow the steps I’ve outlined here, you’ll probably be pleasantly surprised by the glorious way it makes your ass feel.

Finally, it attracts lint, fluff, pet hair, your own hair, dust, etc, etc, etc, and damn near anything else that it might come in contact to like white on rice. If your a klutz like me, be sure all surfaces are clean or expect to be annoyed.

Baby Jesus on the Rocks

Final Verdict

All things considered I wouldn’t say it’s my favourite plug, I wouldn’t even go so far as to say it’s my second favourite, but since it’s crafted from a quality material, isn’t overwhelmingly large or intimidating, feels comfortable once in place, and grants the opportunity to brag about something most people never will (ahem, buttsecks with Baby J. Trust me, I know just how wrong that statement was), I can see how it might just become a favourite of many.

Is it potentially inappropriate, a little creepier than expected, and tacky as all hell? Certainly, but I’d like to think I’m a better person and reviewer for it. The things I do for you people. #YouWin

If you’re looking for quality sex toys made by a small company, and don’t have any religious guilt to deal with (or if you do and it’s the thing that gets you off), head over to Divine Interventions and grab something that might just help you get a little closer to God. Can I get an Amen?

Or for those that want the same level of quality, without the religious aspect, I’m going to offer up the Non-Denominational line of sex toys … just as great, but without all the fun of being a total blasphemous sinner.

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Review: Divine Interventions: Diving Nun

WARNING: Before I begin the review I’m just gonna throw it out there that some of you will be totally put off by the fact that I’m reviewing of a sex toy that seemingly mocks religion… if not just Nuns. Truth be told, with the exception of being Baptized Protestant, I’m not in any way shape or form religious. Do I believe in God? Kinda. Do I think there’s a Heaven? Maybe. Do I have respect for those that are religious? Certainly, so long as they’re not jamming their beliefs down my throat or judging me because they think I’m a ‘sinner’. Do I have a shit ton of fun reviewing sex toys, even ones with religious symbolism? Hells yes! Pun intended.

So… if you feel it’s necessary to remove me from whatever social site you’ve added me to, or even want to chastise me for going to such depths, be my guest. It’s a free world and I can’t stop you… besides, the Diving Nun was totally worth the unfriending and potential shit storm! She’s fucking awesome, literally, and I’d do her over and over again any day of the week! Can I get a Hallelu?!

Divine Interventions, Diving Nun Dildo

Thou Shalt!

Packaging

Unlike many other intimate accessories the Diving Nun, made by Divine Interventions, came with absolutely no packaging, instead arriving in a plain unmarked brown box with no defining wording or anything else that  might state what it was.

While others may not like this so much I personally find it a great idea, no packaging means no garbage. It also means there’s nothing to worry about someone finding and/or persecuting you for.

The Good

So, the awesomeness of the Diving Nun… where do I begin…

First of all the craftsmanship is extraordinary! From the details on her face (my picture’s a little iffy, but in person you can make out the eyes, nose and mouth easily) to the rosary in her hands, the inclusion of a Bandeau and raised Guimpe to the fantastic bumpy waves down the back of the shaft (likening themselves to a ripples in a nuns robe), the Diving Nun really is a work of art. Yes, I really did just say that, and yes, I really did mean it.

Rather than being firm, the shaft is very flexible, allowing it to twist and bend with ease.  Likewise, the silicone is soft, supple and squishy with a bit of give, all of which lend themselves well to making the experience not only comfortable, but also  highly enjoyable.  As far as appearances go, the matte silicone is a dark almost red wine color clever little so-and-so’s, that’s marbled with lustrous hints of a metallic slate gray.

*On the website you’ll get the options of black or marbled blue, however if you email them they’ll likely customize it to any of the their 6 shades for a small additional fee.

While it is rather large (I’ll get to that in a second) initial insertion is easy, with the waves along the bottom of the shaft providing exceptional vaginal stimulation during insertion or thrusting. As for the curve in the shaft, 3 words come to mind: Amazing. G-spot. Stimulation. I’m not exactly sure how it works, but of the 6 times the product was ‘tested’ for this review it target the area almost instantly every time. No extra effort needed. No searching required. It was like it knew, without even having to try. These design features combined made the Diving Nun one of the best I’ve ever had the pleasure of reviewing. Seriously. It’s awesomeness in the shape of a dildo-ey Nun.

Let me not forget to add that when standing, the curve makes her look like she’s praying. Genius!

Divine Interventions

Hallelu!

Regarding the stats you’re looking at 7 1/4 inches in length and 1 1/3 inches in diameter, with the curving making the size a little misleading in person since it appears a tad shorter. For me, being that I’m not a size queen, the length was a bit too much. Having said that I totally understand that my body is not yours, and what might be uncomfortable for me may be heaven sent for you (see what I did there? exactly).

The only odd thing about the product is the base. It’s large. Very large. Almost to the point of being obnoxious. Fortunately it serves three redeeming purposes…

1.) It suctions to pretty much any surface. I’m not kidding on this one: after picking up the box from my local postal office and quickly removing it I slammed it against the car windshield (on the inside of course) to see how long it stuck and potentially freak out my partner, for the entire hour long ride the Diving Nun bounced and bopped without once falling off. Tiled shower walls? just as good (unless you have those little tiles, then it’ll shift a bit). Bath tub? even better. Floors? amazing. Walls? a little iffy, especially if you have texturing or wall paper (it’ll still stick, just not for as long and it might shift a little during use).

2.) Once situated inside the ring, the base works surprisingly well at helping to to stay in place during strap-on play. More than that, the triangle design allows it to fit snug against the body without the continual jabbing or shifting you’ll find with other products. If it wasn’t for the weight one could likely wear it in a harness and totally forget they had anything on, it really is that comfortable.

3.) If you’re tired of products with teeny tiny bases, ones that make holding or manipulating the product a total headache, you’ll love this base.  Not only does it add a slight cushioning during thrusting (for those that can take the whole thing), it also acts as a fantastic grip for you or your partner(s), making maneuvering and maintaining control a cinch.

Oh, and you get a “First Holy Communion” napkin to help make clean up a breeze when you’re done sinning. Yes, they went there.

 

Religious Sex Toys, Size Comparison

Diving Nun Dildo, Divine Interventions

amazing waved back

Divine Interventions, Diving Nun

g-spot curve

Divine Interventions Diving Nun, Flared Base

obnoxious large base

 

 

Care and Cleaning

While it is made of quality silicone and therefore wont absorb bodily fluids, lube or bacteria, it even passed the flame test (what’s a “flame test” you ask… check this post on Silicone Flame Testing by Dangerous Lily), it does have many grooves and therefore has lots of places in need of a little extra attention. Cleaning it with antibacterial soap and water will do, as would letting it sit in boiling water for 3 minutes.

*since it’s a bit of a lint collector I’d also suggest laying it on a lint free cloth to dry and then wrapping it up in something that is also lint free.

As always, I’d personally suggest a good water based lube as a silicone one may ruin it over time.

The Bad

When it comes to things I don’t like about it there are only 3, though I will admit I think they’re all subjective.

1.) I’m not a size queen… and it’s long, 7 1/3 inches long, making complete insertion almost impossible, and when possible, slightly uncomfortable. Having said that, I completely understand that what my body or pleasure threshold can’t do yours potentially can, so this is something that may not apply to everyone.

2.) It attracts lint, not quite as bad as some other silicone products, but it still does. And it annoys the hell out of me.

3.) There’s no other way to say this than… you’re basically cramming a Nuns head up all up in your naughty bits. Some people, take me for example, will be able to detach from that mental image, others, not so much.

Final Verdict

All things considered the Diving Nun is quite possibly one of the most extraordinary adult products I’ve ever seen. Sure, it looks like a nun which will put quite a few people off, but if it didn’t have the facial details and tell tale signs of being a religious figure, and maybe was a little bit shorter, it would be a product I think damn near anyone would enjoy, especially since all the tell tale signs of a great product are there: it’s made of quality silicone that’s hypo-allergenic, hygienic, phthalate and latex free, odourless and easy to care for, is designed and angled perfectly for g-spot stimulation, has a wide flared base for strap-on play, contains detailing that amazingly targets the entire vaginal canal, and best of all securely suctions to damn near any surface.

For those of you looking for the same level of quality, but not too interested in the religious aspect, I’m going to offer up the Non-Denominational line of sex toys they make… just as great, but without all the fun of being a total blasphemous sinner.

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