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Review: The Rock Box

Product Reviews, Unapproved Products, Vibes

One of the things I’ve always prided myself on is being handy when it comes to DIY projects, building stuff, and general run of the mill home renovations. I can put up perfectly level shelving in a blink of an eye, saw the shit out of wood like it’s no ones business and put together IKEA furniture almost effortlessly (I said almost), but it seems that using good ol’ power tools is where I excel; give me an electric drill, heat gun or circular saw and I’m in heaven…

So when I saw the Rock Box, a newish “vibe” toted as an “Incredibly Powerful Orgasm Machine“, I figured two of my fave things, sex toys and power tools, had finally meshed to create the most badass invention ever. Boy was I wrong. A shit tonne wrong. Mournfully wrong.

And it sucks so much it hurts.

Packaging

Although the packaging of the thick cardboard box is sleek, professional and heavy duty, it seems there was minimal attention paid to maintaining an air of discretion; located on each upper right corner are the words “Incredibly Powerful Orgasm Machine” splayed in a font that’s hard for anyone to miss.

As if that wasn’t overkill, located on the back in large bolded black type are the words “Orgasmic Engineering For Men And Women“. While I understand that this may have been used to deter anyone from thinking it was an actual power tool, rather than a sex toy cleverly disguised as such, I can’t help but think it’s also a tad obnoxious. In total the word ‘orgasm’ was used 7 times, leaving me to ponder, is that really necessary?

No, no it is not.

Especially since the majority of people would be looking for it specifically, and most likely shopping on an adult website, not Home Hardware or Home Depot for crying out loud.

Even with all of that, what perplexed me most was the inclusion of the descriptions “She’s a punk rocker” and “He’s a punk rocker too!” – I get it, it’s called “Rock Box” and therefore someone felt the need to run with the theme. But to me, this just comes off as tacky and cheesy, not catchy or highbrow. Bonus points for trying though.

The Good

Before I go into all of the reasons the Rock Box will likely end up sitting tucked away in a corner collecting dust, I figure it’s a good idea to list the few redeeming qualities it has, because for as unimpressed as I was, there were some:

It’s powerful. Really powerful. We’re talking 5,000 rpm’s here… which is fucking insane! Yes, it’s the same as the highest setting on the Hitachi Magic Wand, but the design makes it feel much stronger than that. Almost to the point of being overwhelming. Of course it’s not quite as strong as the Fairy Mini Wand (which comes in at a whopping 11,000 rpms), but it’s more than sufficient to get the job done… if you don’t go numb first.

There’s attachments for both ‘girls’ and ‘guys’, making it doubly useful. Whether both will use it remains to be seen, but at least they didn’t just target it to one market.

I’d say it’s discreet. No one in their right mind would think it’s meant for masturbation, though I’m sure they’d have a bunch of questions if they ever did come across it.

With only one button and a dial located on the ‘ergonomic’ handle, it’s very easy to operate. Well, for the most part anyways.

Measuring 20 ft in length, it’s got the longest power cord on a “massager” I have ever seen. Okay, I’ll admit I’m reaching for positives here, but for those with minimal outlets it’ll definitely come in handy.

Operating Instructions

As stated above, getting the Rock Box going is surprisingly simple… however putting it all together, that’s another story.

For Those With A Vulva: Take the ‘female’ attachment (the pink tongue like thing), pinch the clips at the end and slide it into the ‘vibration plate’, once it clicks it’s in place. Plug the lead into the plug socket located opposite the handle and plug it into the wall outlet. Start with the dial on 1 (trust me on this) and press the square button located on the underside of the handle, by now you should be experiencing the thumping rumble that is the Rock Box. To adjust the speed just turn the dial up/down, or for those that like a bit more control, press the button on and off for a pulsing experience. To turn it off just press the button. To remove the attachment pinch the clip at the end and slide it out of place (it’s advised that the product be unplugged when you do this). Easy peasy.

For Those With A Penis: Basically follow the same steps as above, but use the flat attachment.

Being that this isn’t your ‘typical’ masturbation device there are a few things you’ll want to keep in mind… don’t let the ‘male’ adapter vibrate on your testicles, it’s not meant to be used internally. Like a candle never leave it going unattended or covered with anything. And since it’s powered by an electrical outlet, it can’t be used in the water. Actually, don’t get any of it wet, ever. Sorry, just following what the instructions say.

As for using it, while the instructions suggest placing it so that the flat section rests on the clitoris and the tip hugs the curve of the vulva (pointing toward your vagina), it worked best for me when the tip was instead used for direct clitoral stimulation. Feel free to toy with it and see what does it for you. Regarding the male experience, I offered it to 3 close male friends and my partner, all in the name of science of course, to which they each scoffed and quickly declined. It seems there ain’t no man I know that wants a potential thumping power tool on his dick. Fair enough, I can’t say I blame them.

main unit

w/ “male” attachment

power dial

control button

The Bad

Oh My God! Where the fuck do I begin?!

It’s big, it’s bulky, and it’s so heavy it’s annoying. Seriously. Measuring just over 7.5″ inches from side to side, around 6.5″ inches from top to bottom, and bearing a weight of ‘Jesus-Christ-I-can’t-focus-on-my-orgasm-because-I’m-having-sex-with-a-kids-bowling-ball‘, this thing is nothing to laugh at, and in all honesty, makes the ‘ergonomic’ element almost non existent.

Let’s just say I dropped one of the attachments on the floor and it looked like this after (<—). Gross. And for the record, I’m a clean freak, so seeing this made me shudder. Maybe I should start using sex toys to clean. They clearly do a much better job at picking up pet hair than my vacuum does.

If you follow my reviews you should know by now that I veer on the side of caution, avoiding most rubber or jelly toys when I can. Unfortunately I was mislead and believed the attachments were made of Silicone. They are not. They’re made of TPR, and while it’s better than a basic jelly product (because it’s phthalate and latex free), it is porous and will retain lube, bodily fluids and bacteria. Make sure to clean it well, otherwise, ick!

Although the power is a definite selling point, it’s also a force to be reckoned with. Once the vibration is combined with the weight there is no way you can use it with just one hand… instead you’ll likely find yourself holding onto both sides for dear life or using your thighs like a vice grip to clamp it in place.

Maybe it’s just me, but with the amount of women who are unable to reach climax on their own, the added stress using the Rock Box creates is just too much. Sex toys should not be this challenging.

The folks at the company call them ‘vibrations’, I call them rumblings from the deepest, darkest pits of hell. I’ll admit, I’m the type that loves intense, penetrating, rumbly sensations, but the Rock Box is in a league of it’s own. Having said that, the first 3 settings aren’t bad… and the 4th really doesn’t feel that different from the 3rd, but once you jump to the 5th things get out of control. *The 6th, don’t even. That shit’s just scary. It’s like an angry rabid bunny decided your vag needed to get beaten the fuck up and the only way to do so would be to relentlessly thump at your lady bits with its hind quarters as fast and hard as it can. Picture it, yeah, my point exactly.

Even though the button and dial are relatively easy to reach, once the thing gets going ~~and you’re thigh mastering like your life depended on it~~, that feature goes out the window pretty quickly. Especially since your main challenge will now be trying to keep your arm/legs/genitals from shaking out of control or going numb.

Sure, they’re easy to manipulate, but I can’t help but think that the little pinchable clips jutting out at the end of the attachments might suffer from some form of debacle (should it be dropped, clumsily stepped on, or handled a little too roughly) and end up broken, in which case you’d be royally screwed.

One of the things I love about my Hitachi Magic Wand, and pretty much any other hand held massager for that matter, is the fact that it plugs into an outlet allowing me the opportunity to use it for as long as I need without fear of the batteries dying mid orgasm. Knowing the Rock Box was powered by the same source I assumed it would be a benefit… nope, not at all.

Rather than providing the necessary and continued stimulation what you get is a wobbly cord that keeps detaching once the dial goes beyond 3. Awkward and unsatisfying just aren’t the words.

Because of the size of the fan, which is beyond obnoxiously large, the damn thing never sits upright, instead toppling over to one side any time you put it down. All in all, this design makes resting it on your body for hands free action almost impossible. It was a stupid idea and I hate it. There I said it. God I feel better.

Finally, IT’S LOUD. I mean really loud. Lawnmower loud. Distractingly loud…. to the point of being downright awful. Yes, most hand held wands are noisy, but they’re not even close by comparison. It’s so bad that at one point my partner thought I was using the drill to put up shelves. You can imagine his surprise when he walked in and saw me furiously trying to reach an orgams with what appeared to be some form of power tool.

Ah, the life I live, it’s magical.

size comparison

“female” attachment

“male” attachment

Power Jack

Care & Cleaning

Since you can’t get any of it wet the only option you have is to wipe it down with a slightly damp cloth or toy wipe. As for the attachments you can do the same, just make sure they’re totally dry before reinserting them.

When it comes to lube, though I don’t know if you’d really need any, I’d suggest a good water based one.

Final Verdict

Clearly the Rock Box has some issues to work out before it can become a coveted product adored by the masses, but like many others that came before, I’m sure there are quite a few people who will benefit from its use. Was I one of them? No, not really, and to be honest, I wouldn’t buy it knowing everything I do now.

The orgasms it delivered, while intense, were something I had to work for, struggle with attaining, and on more than one occasion, bow out of due to the overwhelming urge to pitch it out a window. Yes, my feelings for the Rock Box were just that extreme.

Having just been through hell and back, here’s my suggestion… if you like really intense sensations, have nerve endings that are dulled leaving you in need of something strong, enjoy torturing yourself (or others) in a sexual way by letting rabid bunnies bash your junk, or simply want to try every niche pleasure object created (shit, I do!), then the Rock Box just might be for you. Otherwise, opt for a Sybian, which actually does work, and/or consider yourself forewarned.

For more info or to get a Rock Box of your own make sure to head on over to Vibrators.com, and while you’re there, make sure to check out their sex toy sale page for some great deals on a bunch of much better sex toys. You even get free shipping!

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Review: Zazel – The Scent Of Love

Porn, Product Reviews, Unapproved Products

After reviewing This Ain’t Avatar XXX I was pretty sure porn couldn’t get that much worse, especially considering it had everything bad porn should; poorly painted blue people (who’s genitalia weren’t painted might I add), tacky music, horrible cut-to scenes, cheesy dialogue, a lack of sexual chemistry between performers, a plot that made little sense and a terrible 3D option that was migraine inducing. Basically put – it was bad, real bad.

When I saw Zazel: The Scent Of Love, a 2008 movie that had previously won 7 AVN awards, being offered for review on Eden Fantasys I quickly scooped it up. Unfortunately to my shock, horror and surprise it was just as bad as This Ain’t Avatar, dare I say on some levels – possibly even worse.

Side Note: They fail to mention the awards were won back in 1998 when the movie was originally released, not in 2008 when it was re-released. What can I say, it’s false advertising at its best! It did win a 2009 AVN award for “Best Classic Release” though.

Plot

When it came to the plot there really wasn’t much, if anything, to go on: a woman (“Zazel”, played by Sasha Vinni) receives a call from a nameless man informing her that the proposal to create “the most arousing perfume ever” has gotten the go ahead. Zazel then sets out to find the perfect ingredients which include “Lust” (Hell), “Sensuality” (Heaven), “Pleasure” (Desire) and “Enchantment” (Mystic). From there the film bounces around from scene to scene with her having sordid love affairs with exotic flowers, randomly wandering around in a garden, painting, airbrushing, drawing and daydreaming about various sexual explorations. Pretty run of the mill for porn these days.

Scene Breakdown

*random excerpts from our conversation while watching have been included

The film begins with Zazel feverishly drawing a Coy fish by a pond, which eventually turns into a “” resembling one of those damn Avatars who swims, plays and dances in the water (make shift pool is more like it) in front of a yellow tarp (wtf that was about I have no clue) and eventually leads to a cunnilingus scene with a “Water Nymph” (played by Grace Harlow), who might I add wears some seriously fun white zipper crotched panties.

For the record, it was a far better paint job then the one we found in Avatar.
Jamie:”You promised me this would be nothing like that stupid Avatar movie! WHY IS THAT LADY PAINTED BLUE??!!”

Jamie: *at the sight of the fun white zipper panties* “It’s like she over stayed her welcome from the cock rock era”
Me: “Imagine getting one of your labia caught in that mess ~ ouch!”

The painting of a beautiful flower behind a white frame that begins to contract and move, quickly making it apparent that the artwork has been done on a woman’s genitals and lower portion of her body (inner thigh etc).

Trust me, CLICK THE PICTURE –>

Me: “wow, that’s some amazing artwork…hey, wait a minute, is that a…oh my God, that’s a coochie!”
Jamie: “why the hell does she keep poking at it? Even I know better than to do that!”

Then, out of nowhere Sasha Vinni is shaving a woman’s (Lene Hefner) pubic hair with an old style gold razor so that an artist (Devin Deray) can tattoo a flower on her vulva…which obviously leads to the three of them having sex.

Me: “yeah, because after I’ve had someone inflict 1000 needle jabs to my vag the first thing I want to do is get laid”
Jamie: “aren’t you supposed to put a bandage on a tattoo after you get one? How are they going to bandage that?’
Me: “I don’t know, a diaper maybe?”
Jamie: “Jesus honey, she didn’t shit herself!”
*I proceed to burst out laughing so hard he has to stop the film

Next up is Sasha Vinni (again…) painted like a tiger with her hair in cornrows, writhing and crawling around a random jungle. This entire scene goes back and forth between her being a “tiger” – complete with ‘rawring’ – and a faceless woman’s ass painted like a tiger having sex with a man. Totally random, not at all hot, very cool body paint work. For the most part, it just looked like a big tiger was eating a hot dog. Also, get your sweet tiger poster here. Not into Tigers, what about some Zoobooks?

Zazel has more random sex with flowers. *Booooooring!

Three women (Sasha Vinni, Brooke Lane and Anna Romero) dressed in garb even Lady Gaga wouldn’t touch (17th-century-style period costume, not very tastefully done either) strip, make-out and perform cunnilingus on one another. Eventually the scene leads to 2 of the women pulling out dick shaped rubber/latex spurs and attaching them to the back of their boots. As expected, they have sex with the fun dick spurs. *Quite possibly one of the more interesting ‘wtf’ moments of the film.

Jamie: “Why is there minstrel music playing?”
Me: *in all seriousness while referring to the cat from Shrek* “Why do they all look like puss in boots?”
Jamie: “did you really just say that?”
Me: “I want a fun feather in a hat like that!”
Jamie: “no, no you don’t”
Me: “those are not rubber dicks! they can’t be! wait…I…what the f*ck?! Okay that’s actually rather genius, though they really shouldn’t be using rubber, that’s just cheap and icky”

More diddling by Zazel with flowers…

Fade from black to 3 female angels (Sasha Vinni, Brooke Lane and Helena) and one male angel (Antonio Valentino) with huge wings he can’t seem to maneuver, all painted with sparkly glitter, hair in knots piled on their heads and the most boring looks on their faces. The ladies participate in various sexual acts (lots of making out, nipple play, touching and cunnilingus) while the male angel only mildly participates (caresses breasts, licks nipples etc). Eventually it leads to sex, with the same bored expressions and lack luster body glitter stealing the scene.

Random cut to a black and white scene from what looks like the inside of a barn, with a woman (Gina LaMarca) on a bed wearing white pasties and panties, dancing erotically (basically stripping) for a male observer (Jon Severini). Before long the clothes are off and the two of them are going at it on the bed. In an epic unexpected moment Jon blows his load – way past her body – and the two of them somehow end up frolicking in a pool. Because sex in a barn should always lead to playing in a pool. Duh.

As if the last scene wasn’t random or pointless enough we now find Zazel dressed in a costume of half man/half woman and tangoing back and forth in front of the camera while a woman with a shaved head and fun, sparkly clothes pins on her nipples gives oral sex to a perfume bottle. During the whole scene Zazel explains the opposites and balance of male/female.

Me: “Oh My God, are those really bedazzled clothes pegs on her nipples”
Jamie: “No…wait…yes, yes they are fun sparkly clothes pegs on her nipples. Wow, didn’t see that one coming”

Random mermaid lesbian sex with Zazel and another female (Nikki St. Gilles) on an iceberg that rocks back and forth on top of the water, and may or may not lead to a possible case of motion sickness of the viewer(s). Unless you’re into that kind of thing you may want to fast forward this one.

In the second to last scene Zazel is doodling or drawing in a book (I honestly lost interest by this point) and has visions of a “She-Devil” ( Anna Romeo) dressed in a fire engine red latex costume (think The Cell meets Legend), complete with latex horns, boots, open-assed shorts and a long pointed devil’s tail crammed in her butt (not kidding). After Zazel nods off to sleep (while drawing) the “She-Devil” sneaks behind and cuts her head off with a scythe, she then drops the head on the table and proceeds to climb on the table, making the decapitated head perform oral sex on her (I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried).

During the entire scene (and the rest of the “Hell” scenes to follow) the bottom half of the screen is filled with digitally superimposed flames. And here I thought the 3D effects from This Ain’t Avatar XXX were migraine inducing, I’ve never wanted to scream “JUST MAKE IT STOP!!” so badly.

Zazel awakens from the dream holding her throat and we find the “She-Devil” strutting and dancing in front of a fire place, she then walks over to one side of the mantle and a “stone” structure turns into a gargoyle (Kevin James) who she peels paint off of. The scene continues with the She-Devil having sex with the gargoyle and a “Demon Man” (Drew Rees), which ends in a dp scene.

The film ends with a monologue by Zazel, wrapped in a robe, once again randomly wandering in a garden and babbling about beauty, pussy, sexuality or some other mouthful of poorly scripted garbage. As many of you can probably tell by the time the movie was over I had enough.

Dialogue

Being that there wasn’t any scripted dialogue between the actors there really isn’t much to cover. Having said that I wish they had used a professional voice actress for the internal monologue/thought process of Zazel. Not only did she come off as a totally fake and forced version of what someone might consider a ‘timid female’, but her attempt at being sexy caused the exact opposite effect, sounding amateurish, monotone, cheesy and the least compelling I’ve ever heard.

It probably wouldn’t have been so bad had her narration been few and far between, instead it was present every scene and between scenes while she wad diddling flowers or painting vaginas – basically put, it got old fast, real fast!

The Bad

Aside from the fact that it was outdated there were other aspects of this film that made it rather hard to watch;

All the sex scenes were void of passion or feeling. No one looked interested, aroused, excited or like they were really enjoying it. Maybe it was a lack of chemistry. Maybe it was a lack of talent. Maybe it was the director wanting it to be ‘artistic’. Or maybe it was all of the above. Either way we fast forwarded through every sex scene and ended up far less turned on then when we began.
On that note, the sex scenes go on far too long which makes it even harder to watch (pun not intended). With a 126 minute run time, this movie could have easily been cut down to 70 – 90 minutes, which may have made it a bit more enticing.
Although there is no scripted dialogue you often see the actors talking dirty to each other yet can’t hear what they’re saying, something both of us found rather disappointing.

The Good

Don’t get me wrong, Zazel has a lot going for it; the cinematography is visually stunning with lush back drops that stir the imagination, the costumes – though outdated – are for the most part creative, extravagant, awe inspiring and interesting, the artwork, including body painting, drawings and vaginal ‘tattoos’ is beautifully done, some of the scenes are compelling, shocking and cross lines I’ve never seen in a porn before (the decapitated head/oral sex scene for one), and the lack of dialogue between performers allowed me to watch without the constant snickering or giggles many other adult movies beget.

It’s also a movie I could see some viewers really appreciating, especially those that are off put by the visuals and intensity ‘hard core’ gonzo movies provide.

Cast

Sasha Vinni – Zazel/Blue Siren/Tiger/Brunette Musketeer/Female Angel/Mermaid * Grace Harlow – Water Nymph * Lene Hefner – Tattooed Girl * Devin Deray – Tattoo Artist * Anna Romero – Redhead Musketeer/Body Double for Female Angel/She-Devil * Brooke Lane – Blonde Musketeer/Female Angel * Antonio Valentino – Winged Male Angel * Helena – Female Angel * Gina LaMarca – Seductress * Jon Severini – Man * Nikie St. Gilles – Blonde Beauty/Mermaid * Kevin James – Gargoyle/Body Double for Winged Male Angel * Drew Reese – Demon Man

Credits

Director – Philip Mond * Producer – Marco * Music – Dino and Earl Ninn * Cinematographer – Philip Mond * Editor– James Avalon * Distributor – Metro Interactive * Budget– $237,000

Awards

Listed as “26th” in “The 101 Greatest Adult Tapes Of All Time” by AVN Magazine * AVN Awards (1998) – Best All-Sex Film/Best Group Scene/Best Cinematography/Best Art Direction/Best Editing/Best Overall Marketing Campaign/Best Selling Tape of the Year * AVN Award (2009) – Best Classic Release

Final Verdict

If you’re looking for a movie full of sex scenes that are visually compelling rather than sexually exciting, contains little to no dialogue, sex scenes that border on soft-core, elaborate costumes and ventures far from the ‘standard’ adult film formula the market seems to be flooded with, you might just want to check out Zazel: The Scent Of Love.

On the other hand, if you prefer a movie that has all of the above and chemistry, dialogue, witty banter and no migraine inducing graphics, I suggest opting for a movie like Pirates instead.

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Review: Split Dildo

Unapproved Products

I usually have a really hard time writing reviews about products I don’t like. It’s not that I don’t like voicing my opinion. It’s that I understand how my experience might not be common and therefore, not necessarily something that would apply to everyone.

Besides that, when it comes to disappointing aspects of a product i.e. that’s it not the most powerful, not waterproof etc, well those are not necessarily issues I think are worthy of a general ‘disliking’, and for the most part, things I can live with (for the record I will include them in my reviews just so everyone knows what they’re getting).

Pain on the other hand, especially when not expected or wanted, I cannot.

*I’m talking real pain, not the kind you ask for in the throws of a passionate, throwing caution to the wind, heat of the moment situation. Nor am I talking about a preplanned or arranged BDSM scenario. Those are all together different and usually enjoyable.

Having said that, and considering the discomfort (read pain), confusion and frustration the Split Dildo unleashed on me and my poor unsuspecting vagina, well, I really don’t feel so bad about giving my two cents.

The Good

Like most of my reviews I’m going to start this with the positives, of which (for me) there were only two;

1.) It’s crafted out of 100% medical grade platinum silicone that feels soft, smooth, velvety and very supple to the touch. Because it’s made of such high quality material it’s non porous (so it won’t absorb bodily fluids, lube or bacteria), hypo allergenic, hygienic and phthalate/latex free. Simply put, it’s body safe in regard to material… it passed the flame test, so I’m not going to argue with them on this.

2.) The packaging is simple, plain, respectful, and can be very easily recycled. Having said that, it’s just a plain pink box that feels like construction paper with the word “STIC” written in silver print on the front. It’s not overly dramatic, nor is it quality made, yet considering the fact that it’s not covered in half naked men or women in compromising positions, I’ll take it.

The Bad

Ugh, where do I begin…

When I got the Split Dildo out of the package it smelled like gasoline, paint thinner or some other weird kind of harsh chemicals. I wish I could describe it, but I can’t. All I can say is that whatever it was it gave me one hell of a headache. This lead me to believe that it wasn’t silicone, opting to do a flame test, of which it passed. With that in mind, I have no clue what caused the smell to begin with (shipping?) or why it still stinks. I originally thought it was just mine but after tweeting to a fellow sex toy reviewer I was told that hers smelled as well. Maybe yours won’t stink. Maybe it will. Either way, I warned you.

*for the record, I’ve boiled it, let it sit in soapy water, washed it 4 times and while faint, it still smells bad enough to give me a headache.

UPDATE: I messaged my contact with the company regarding the smell and this was the response I got (forgive the language barrier);

SplitDILOD made from 100% platinum silicone and can’t smell. Probably your item has not normaly polimerized becouse in Russia been very froze minus 25-30 degree C and in our factory been very cool. When item has been shipped and been in a bag the smell rise up. Sorry, it shock for us!

After reading the response I wrote back, stating that ‘freezing temperatures’ usually shouldn’t have any effect on the silicone, to which he replied:

“About smell we found a reason. We use high quality gazoline for clean a table and cloth from silicone. I think we cleaning a table and your item contacted this it. Sorry again and do not worry, gazolin smell will go out and not danger for health. It never case again!

So now not only was the product smelly, but it also *may* have come into contact with gasoline. I’m sorry but even if it’s “high quality” gasoline, I don’t want my vagina coming into contact with it. Period.

*Over the last 5 years I have managed to collect literally 2 FULL bins of silicone sex toys… NEVER ONCE! did any of them smell of anything. Not gasoline. Not cleaner. Not chemicals. Nothing. The Split Dildo was the ONLY time this has happene. Clearly they need to sort shit out at the factory.

How To Use… Just Don’t.

Aside from the horrible smell, insertion is far from easy. If you ask me, it’s almost unusable. Between trying to hold the ‘splits’ together when all they seem to want to do is fling apart the second you let go, to relaxing and becoming aroused so it enters easily, trying to hold onto the damn thing when your hands are covered in lube (I needed a lot) and finally trying not to to get lube everywhere in the process it’s just one giant, frustrating, irritating mess. #fail #fail #fail!

Unfortunately there are no instructions or information about the product that could help me figure out how to use it or what to do with it. On top of that, there’s no website listed anywhere, whether on the box or the product. Nor is there any help or suggestions to make the usage of the product easier when you do get to the website. All you get is some wacky .gif images (shown below) that don’t even resemble a body (it’s a square with a few lumpy parts).

Maybe it’s just me, but after all the mess and stress of the Split Dildo I assumed the sensation would be worth it. Wrong!

After about 20 minutes of wrestling with it I finally managed to get it inserted, not comfortably I might add. In all honesty, once it was inserted it felt like someone had rammed some kind of prod inside me and cranked it open. Not fun. Not pleasurable. Not something I’d want to thrust and definitely not arousing or orgasm inducing. Shit, going to the gyno and having my Dr. crank me open with the speculum is more fun.

On that note, it’s thick, very thick. We’re talking 5 inches thick (the website lists diameter, not circumference). For me, that’s painfully thick. Suffice to say I don’t think it’s a product that someone who’s not used to inserting things would like, especially those that don’t like the additional feeling of having something pressed against their cervix (it’s 6.3″ in length). That in mind, it seemed like the deeper it went the more it hurt. Clearly my vagina is not a fan of being forcefully stretched open.

As if all of that wasn’t enough, removal was no breeze either; the entire time I was pulling it out, it was expanded internally, so it felt like I was being stretched from the inside out. The ‘dragging’ sensation wasn’t very nice either. As I said earlier, not fun.

No matter how much I tried, the experience was just too frustrating, annoying, painful and disappointing for me to maintain any level of arousal. When I’m not aroused, I’m not enjoying myself and for the most part, I feel like quitting. And yet, I didn’t quit. Instead I gave it four separate attempts on four very separate occasions…sadly, none of them worked out for me which is why I’ve written such a scathing review. Maybe your experience will be different and maybe you’ll love the Split Dildo. I just know that I didn’t and don’t.

My Suggestions

Having pointed out all the negative issues with the product, I sat down and tried to think of ways they could be remedied. This is what I came up with:

1.) It should be thinner. I measured the circumference and 5″ is very thick, especially for a product that stretches open even wider. Maybe I’m wrong, but I think people who have never used toys, haven’t had much inserted in them and have a smaller body would not find this comfortable or enjoyable. Maybe if it was thinner a larger market of people could try it and in turn enjoy it. (offering 2 sizes might be a good idea)

2.)Make the split less extreme. As I said in the previous suggestion, the product stretches rather wide, which for me was the main reason it hurt. If the manufacturers could find a way to make it less forceful when it opens, having some kind of dial or way of adjusting it to accommodate different body types might make it hurt less. (Je Joue did it with the G-Ki which is somewhat customizable)

3.) On that note, coming up with a way to close or clench it for insertion and removal might be a good idea as well, especially considering that holding it together to insert it was one giant pain in the ass and removal hurt, really hurt.

PS – Spot?

For those of you curious about the design, the whole point of the Split Dildo is to stimulate the G-spot AND the PS-spot all at once. What’s that you say, the PS-spot?…ah yes, the ever elusive and rarely talked about PS-spot: for those of you not in the know, the “PS” stands for perineal sponge, which lies between the vagina and rectum (usually otherwise known as the “taint” for guys). This sponge is a mass of erectile tissue that when stimulated, fills with blood and becomes engorged, just like a man’s penis and a woman’s clitoris do when aroused.

Fortunately jabbing at it from inside the vaginal canal (shown in the .gif images above) isn’t the only way to stimulate the PS-spot, it can also be stimulated from inside the anus (for those of you into it) by gently pressing toward the front of the body (opposite the g-spot). If inserting fingers into your anus isn’t your forte you could always insert a curved silicone dildo or vibrator that’s meant for g-spot stimulation, just angle it toward your lower abdomen. Who knows, you just might like it and like they always say, you’ll never know unless you try.

Cleaning and Care

Considering that many of you won’t heed my warning and instead, want to try it for yourself, I figure it’s worth including the necessary info to help it last;

Since it’s made of silicone you can bleach it, boil it, place it in the dishwasher, wash it with anti bacterial soap and water as well as spraying it with a compatible toy cleaner. Keep in mind it’s made of high quality silicone so it won’t absorb any bacteria, bodily fluids or lube.

As for lubes, I’d only suggest a good water based lube as using a silicone lube with a silicone product will eat away at the surface of the product and may, with time, cause it to deteriorate. Considering that one of the great things about silicone products is the fact that they’re non porous, using a silicone lube may just defeat the whole purpose.

Final Verdict

All in all I think the Split Dildo was a really great idea, one that very likely could have brought a whole new level of pleasure to the market. Sadly (for me) it wasn’t very well executed in regard to the design. Like I said, it hurts – a lot. That’s enough for me to bid it a very fond farewell and never think twice about it or wonder what I’m missing.

If you think it’s a product you’d like to try, whether out of curiosity sake, thinking it’s a product that may work for you or because you enjoy the euphoric bliss that being in a state of pain can sometimes bring, well, more power to you. Feel free to check out the Split dildo website where the product is available in four different colors.

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Review: This Ain’t Avatar XXX

Porn, Product Reviews, Unapproved Products

Like most people, I’m guilty of believing the hype when it comes to products that are heavily promoted. I don’t know what’s wrong with the wiring in my brain that makes me believe the object of said hype is worth it, but I almost always fall for it.

Yes, even when it’s a parody porn. Even more so when it’s a parody porn made by the folks at Hustler.

You’d think by now I’d know better. *sigh*

Having said that, I’m going to start this review by stating that I had really, really, really high hopes for This Ain’t Avatar XXX. I expected that the 3D version (which used those fun red & blue glasses) would be epic and that the quality of the DVD itself would be above par. Sadly, neither was the case.

Spoiler Alert; If you have not seen This Ain’t Avatar XXX and plan on it, I suggest you only read the above first 2 paragraphs as this review will most likely ruin it for you.

Review: This Ain’t Avatar XXX

3D Version/Effects

There’s no nice way to say this, so I’m just going to be blunt: the 3D version sucks!

No really, it sucks balls hard!!

Right from the start the picture was distorted, often pixelated, blurred, and became increasingly hard to watch (even with the shitty glasses on). In a sad attempt to give the benefit of the doubt (or maybe it was my disillusioned wishful thinking) I blamed the TV and DVD player, insisting it wasn’t the actual movie that was the problem. I mean c’mon, it’s Hustler, they have the money to put into a proper 3D production right? Maybe not.

As if the above attempt to salvage the 3D wasn’t bad enough, I switched to naively thinking it might be the distance we were sitting from the screen. After moving closer, farther, sitting dead center to the screen, squatting so I was lower, tilting my head so I looked like a confused dog, jamming the glasses against my head, putting the disc in another DVD player, and finally squinting so that the screen was just a tiny slit, I had to accept it was the quality of filming that was the real problem. Side note: headaches from shitty 3D movies aren’t fun.

My Partners 2 cents: First of all, the flick is promoted as a 3D extravaganza. T.A.A. has about as much in common with 3D as twinkies have with nutrition. Even old school 3D would cringe at the horribly cheap blue and red bleed technique that gives the slightest instances of three dimensions, but not without completely discoloring and blurring the picture. Fail. Epic Fail.

Star Rating (out of 5): ★

Costumes/Body Paint

When I read the publicity regarding the body paint being used I was once again mislead into having high expectations. Like I said earlier, I should have known better. *shakes head*

Hustler Press Release:

“We used an alcohol-based paint so that it wouldn’t sweat or rub off during the film’s most important scenes.”

“We used more than 40 bottles of the makeup and they cost more than $50 a bottle, so you can imagine what kind of finances went into airbrushing the actors blue!”

According to my lovely calculator that’s just over $2,000 (with tax of course) – Wow. What a huge budget for a multi-million dollar corporation. Sarcasm.

If you ask me, they should have just banished the blue airbrushing to the hole it belongs, invested more and actually used special effects because after one blow job, the chin of one of the actresses (Nicki Hunter) was completely paint free. Last I checked some of the “most important scenes” in porn included blow jobs. Hell, in some movies they’re the best part! Silly me, what was I thinking?

FYI: The knees, hands, boobs, inner thighs, asses and various parts of the body also showed a lack of paint (or smearing) after a short period of time.

Aside from the above mentioned issues I feel the need to let you in on one of the most disappointing aspects of This Ain’t Avatar XXX …

THE DICKS ARE NOT BLUE!!!

Isn’t the whole point of porn cock shots? How in sweet baby Jesus’ name can you make a porn movie with blue people and NOT give them blue dicks!?

Ugh, such a let down, especially considering that they could have just put a blue condom on. Sure, it’s cheap and probably not ideal, but it would have been something, and in this case something would have been much better than a flesh colored dong hanging off a smeared blue painted body.

Considering how much I’ve already bitched, I’m not going to get into how the use of over sized fake ears, bedazzled areolas/nipples, feather boas, Hustler t-shirts and unrealistic lingerie brought down the film.

My Partners 2 cents: It’s only saving grace, and alternately its ultimate downfall, is the hilarity of the make-up and special effects. You can’t help but laugh at watching a blue alien (with a pink cock might I add) slam a pair of blue butt cheeks and effectively wipe off paint to reveal white skin underneath.

Star Rating (out of 5): ★½

Scenes/Acting/Plot

Truthfully the only words that come to mind when I think of the sex scenes are cold, detached, boring, uninspiring, repetitive, uninteresting, and yawn inducing. Neither of us were aroused watching this movie and for the most part, actually fast forwarded through the sex scenes. Who does that?!

As for the Acting; the lines are spat out with a dire lack of enthusiasm, there is no real emotion or chemistry between the performers, the costuming/body paint made it hard to tell one person from another and with the exception of one scene that included a lot of drooling, no one looked like they wanted to be there. Boring. Bored. Lame. ‘Nuff said.

When it comes to the plot, lets just say there really isn’t one.

It’s basically flashback after flashback, guy talking to the screen while fun digital numbers (a la matrix) flash in the corners of the screen. Sex in a bush. Sex on a rock. Guy talking to the screen again. Sex on a table. Sex on the floor (with socks on). Sex on another rock. Group sex in a bush (don’t pun that)… and so on. Not in that order, but just as boring as described. Actually, I think my description made it sound better than it is.

*side note: For me, a sense of detail and realism is always a selling point in porn, not to mention the maintenance of a theme – that said, why is it that there is a scene where a human is alive in the “Panwhoran” jungle and yet the affects of their world don’t affect her? Did they realize at some point during filming that she was allergic to the body paint and couldn’t be painted?? It’s a minor detail, but for those of us who care about such things it’s extremely distracting.

My Partners 2 cents: Although my hopes weren’t high, the acting is absolutely abysmal, even by pornography’s standards. If your movie isn’t going to have a plot, then don’t offer even a semblance of one, even if it is a parody. And the sex scenes themselves have a lot to be desired. Repetition and disinterest are the two main culprits. There are more variations than blow-cowgirl-blow-doggy-blow-reverse cowgirl-blow that can be taken advantage of in a script. When the actors look particularly bored performing these limited routines, it hurts the film even more.

Add to that the fact that the camerawork was relegated to mostly single motionless extended shots for the majority of the time, the sound was incredibly inconsistent and bad lighting proved to be not a friend to more than a few actors and you have one bad movie.

Choice quotes we uttered while watching:

Him: “Why are they having sex on a tanning bed?”
Me: “That’s not a tanning bed, it’s a table with a lid”
Him: “Why does the table have a lid?”
Me: “I have no clue! Here’s a better question, why isn’t his dong blue?!”

*he finally give in and goes to change DVD*
Me: “Wait, stop, look!! She’s got fun bedazzled boobs! Never mind, one just fell off.”

Star Rating (out of 5): a really shitty ½ star for trying

Final Verdict

I’ll admit this review was basically a giant bitch fest, but when you compare movies like this to other bar raising greats like Pirates, can you really blame me?

If there is any part of you that is still curious about This Ain’t Avatar XXX, go ahead, be my guest and watch it. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you when you find yourself staring at the screen blurry eyed from the crappy 3D, head pounding from watching for too long, bored out of your mind by the lack of depth or sexual chemistry, utterly disappointed with the plot, and laughing while pointing out the bare spots on the actors bodies.

Yes, it really is that bad.

For those that loved the original Avatar and thought the character Neytiri was hot, so hot you’d like to do her, here’s my advice; get the Alien Fleshlight, rent or buy the original movie and stroke it while watching the sexual tension mount between her and Jake. It’s a hell of a lot better, and much more arousing than this parody.

My Partners 2 cents: This certainly ain’t AVATAR, and barely qualifies as a porno parody. Taking on the skin version of a major Hollywood Blockbuster implies that the makers might put above average effort into their work. My assumption was that ‘This Ain’t Avatar’ might be somewhere in the ballpark of ‘Pirates‘. To say I was disappointed would be an understatement.

Overall Rating (out of 5 stars): ★★

*I’m giving it 2 stars because although it was crappy, I can tell they made the effort. I’m also sure that in one way or another it could have been much worse, though truthfully, I’m not exactly sure how.

Other reviews of This Ain’t Avatar XXX:

Xcritic: http://www.xcritic.com/review/36257/misty-stone-this-aint-avatar-xxx/

The Life & Art of Vern: http://outlawvern.com/2010/11/16/this-aint-avatar/

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Review: Neon Jr. G-Spot Softees

Product Reviews, Unapproved Products

When I first saw the bright and colorful line of Neon Jr.G-Spot Softees on the SexToy.com website I thought they might be a perfect inexpensive toy that would also be great for beginners. My initial thoughts still hold up, however I do have quite a bit of personal dislikes with the toy which is why it ended up being a toy I don’t really approve of.

The Bad

The first issue I had with it was the smell, a usual giveaway to whether a toy is full of harmful chemicals or not. The scent it self is hard to describe other then to say it smells like a brand new shower curtain or old school kids toy (both known to be full of chemicals like phthalates). While the Pipedreams website (the manufacturer of the toy) claims they are phthalate free, I can’t help but wonder how that’s possible when the product is listed as a PVC toy.

On that note, when I first began doing reviews of toys there were (and still are) a few key features/benefits that a toy had to have in order for me to suggest, positively review or recommend it; being body safe was, and still is, first on the list. Sure, there are things you can do to limit the amount of exposure your body has to the leeching chemicals (like putting it in a condom) but I still don’t really recommend it, especially when the product doesn’t have much else to redeem itself and there are other products that are perfectly body safe available.

The second issue I had with the product was the power of the vibration; while it easily operates using a dial on the bottom (making it “multi-speed”) the range of vibration speeds is limited and to be honest, I didn’t really notice much difference at all. Aside from the slight difference in speed the product wasn’t very powerful either, giving off a very low vibration that might only be good for those of you that are highly sensitive and don’t need a lot to achieve an orgasm. I’ll be honest, when it came to vibrations I was very disappointed.

*It could be due to the fact that it runs off of one AA battery, but if that’s the case then then Pocket Rocket should feel the same, yet it doesn’t as it’s much more powerful.

On the note of batteries, the product burned through 2 batteries rather quickly (under 10 minutes for both), something I might think was due to the batteries however considering one of them was brand new (Duracell which I usually trust) and the other was fully recharged I believe it’s more to do with the product then the batteries.

*Through doing reviews I’ve learned that some toys just drain batteries really quickly and unfortunately there isn’t much you can do. Maybe mine was faulty, who knows.

Finally the curve for g-spot stimulation leaves much to be desired as it’s neither firm enough to offer real pressure, nor curved enough to reach that special spot (not mine anyways) – something I think many women may have an issue with. Aside from that, since the motor is in the middle of the shaft (just below the curve) I found that it dug into me, making the product rather uncomfortable.

The Good

While it’s a rather disappointing toy there were elements that I did like;

As someone who loves bright, bold, fun and playful colors I loved that the product came in a wide variety.

The battery is very easy to insert; just twist the bottom cap off, pop in a battery, twist the cap back on and you’re done.

The size makes it rather adorable, plus it’s perfect for those that don’t like large toys

The fact that it’s waterproof, probably it’s only real redeeming quality, means that it makes bath time fun 😉
*As a test I left mine running in a sink full of water (fully submerged). When I checked on it 10 minutes later, although the battery was dead, there was no water inside and it still worked once I changed the battery. Definitely waterproof 🙂

Finally cleaning it is rather easy; just spray it with your favorite toy cleaner or wash it with antibacterial soap and rinse it well.

Final Verdict

While the product is very cute, brightly colored and easy to use it’s really not that great of a toy. I’ll be honest, I had very high hopes for the Neon Jr. G-Spot Softee as I thought it would be perfect for those of you asking for a small and inexpensive toy. Unfortunately, it just didn’t live up to my expectations.

Then again, when you purchase cheaply priced toys, they are also usually cheaply made. Sometimes the old adage is true “you get what you pay for”. *sigh*

For those of you looking for easy to use, body safe and powerful sex toys check out the luxury toy section as well as the eco-friendly section of SexToy.com. They have a lot to offer at very, very reasonable prices!