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Q & A: Is she really a Virgin?



Hi KaraSutra

I have a topic for one of your videos, which I watch all the time by the way. Keep it up you do a great job teaching us guys things.

Ok to the story (this is something that happens but no one talks about)… I met a nice girl and we have been going out for about three months now. She told me she was a virgin back in month one, which took a load of my mind because I’m one to. However recently she let me finger her and there was: no pain, no obstruction, no blood (this was without taking her skirt off) The other problem is she wont let me look down there. . . Literally she wont let me see her.

Now keep in mind I have no idea what I’m doing, but I’m not dumb and I don’t like this game.
When I asked about it she told me “oh I took care of that with a tampon when I was 13” I said okay because at the time being a virgin myself I thought … okay maybe.

However with more time to think, the not bleeding part doesn’t bother me . . . but lying to me does
She’s basically made me feel like shit. Worthless. That I’m not worth the truth.
Even though I like her want to spend time with her she’s not instilling trust.
(frankly it scares me – what else could she lie to me about)’

I think this happens to a lot of guys and gals out there and these days sex is hard enough! So now I’m stuck wondering, is she really a virgin?

I suggest you make a topic of one of your videos Truth and Honesty.

Thanks for your time.



First off thanks for watching my videos and supporting what I do!!

As for the issue your dealing with… unless you know for a fact 100% that she lied to you about her virginity you shouldn’t assume that she did. Just because she didn’t bleed, there was no pain or obstruction, or because she wont let you look at her “down there”, that doesn’t mean that she isn’t a virgin.

Also please keep in mind that the hymen has nothing to do with a persons actual ‘virginity’ anyways.

In my “all about the hymen” video I clearly state (I suggest you watch it) that a person may have torn their hymen in many ways before they ever had sex; from using a tampon (which she stated), riding a bike or a horse, gymnastics, exercising etc. Any form of strenuous activity can tear a hymen at any age, so please don’t take the fact that she didn’t bleed to mean she wasn’t a virgin.

As for there being “no pain”, she may have been really enjoying herself and therefor was very aroused and lubricated causing it not to hurt. Don’t forget every woman’s body is different and the experience of enjoying ones own sexuality or sexual activity can vary from person to person.

In regard to her not letting you see “down there”, it most likely has nothing to do with her not being a virgin (especially considering you can’t tell if a girl is a virgin just from looking at her vagina), instead, she’s probably uncomfortable with her body especially her vagina, and is most likely very embarrassed.

Don’t forget, if she’s a virgin no one has ever seen it before, she has probably never really looked at it herself and may still have some kind of shame or shyness to showing something so personal to someone else. Even you.  You have a dick that extends from your body, you probably look at it everyday without thinking twice, so showing it to someone else probably feels like second nature. Unfortunately her relationship with her genitals likely isn’t the same; in order for her to see it she’d have to use a mirror, sit uncomfortably, have enough light to see everything, and be comfortable enough with herself to spread her lips and look around. For a lot of females, that’s something they’re just not comfortable with. She has every right to feel however she does about her body, after all it is hers.

Just to maybe put things in perspective for you, I receive at least 10+ emails a day from women, virgins and non virgins alike, that all tell me they aren’t comfortable with their body, especially their vagina. Some feel the that inner lips (labia minora) are too long, some feel they are too small, others think that the outer lips (labia majora) are too “puffy” or too thin, some think the vagina itself looks ugly, others feel it’s to light, dark, pink, white, black in color, some think it looks weird, and some just hate it all together.

You’re girlfriend isn’t alone in how she feels, if that is how she feels, and in time with trust and self confidence she will most likely come to feel she can show you something that is very personal to her.

In regard to the “trust and honesty” comment, you can always start by opening the doors of communication yourself and actually ask her why she wont show you, rather then blaming her, accusing her, or making her out to be the bad guy trying to pull one over on you.

If after talking to her she tells you she wasn’t a virgin, and did in fact lie to you, well then you have every right to feel duped. But until then, don’t jump to any conclusions and instead try to see it from another perspective… that of a female who may not be comfortable with her body yet, but was still willing to allow you do be intimate with her, something that after all does require trust.

Hope that helped



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Sex Ed 102 Q&A: Help! I Can’t Orgasm


Hi Kara Sutra,

I just wanted to ask if maybe you could tell me what’s wrong with me; every time I have sex with my boyfriend I can’t climax.  I can have them on my own… just not with him. Help! I can’t orgasm, and I’m really starting to wonder what’s wrong with me?


What you’re facing is unfortunately very common.  So let me first just put it out there that there’s nothing wrong with you and it’s not any ones fault. Most women have had at least one (if not a handful) of occasions where they aren’t able to climax with their partner, men too. It’s normal, natural, and nothing to be embarrassed by. It’s just part of being sexually active.

Before I offer any suggestions, I’m going to throw out a few scenarios as I find it can be helpful to think outside the box when addressing issues like this.

Solo Sex vs Coupled Sex

You said you can come on your own, but not with him, maybe it’s a case of nerves, maybe you don’t feel totally relaxed, maybe you’re scared you’re going to look stupid, either way what you’re going through is pretty common. Let me explain…

When a person climaxes during intercourse it requires being in a position where they’re comfortable, feel safe, and trust the environment, and/or person they’re with, not to mention being comfortable in their own skin and/or the way their body will behave.

Although this isn’t always the case, sometimes our bodies do things we can’t control when we orgasm – convulse, make faces, twitch, say embarrassing stuff, flail, shudder, squirt, scream, shake, tense up, go limp (to name a few) – and no matter how hard we try, we just can’t stop that from happening. Allowing someone to see us ‘out of control’, for lack of a better term, requires vulnerability and courage. Two things that can be very hard to muster up when we already feel exposed.

When we masturbate, things are usually quite different; most people ensure they’re in a place where no interruptions can happen, that they’re secure, and the worries they have are limited; they aren’t scared someone else will get soaked if the squirt, that they’ll be laughed at for the look on their face/something they do or say in the heat of the moment, or that they’ll be judged for they way their naked body looks. Basically, there’s limited to no risk of embarrassment when masturbating, allowing us to let go completely, which definitely helps with achieving an orgasm.

Throw another person into the mix all sorts of embarrassing situations present themselves.  Often times we’re not even conscious of this and enter into sexual relations unaware, only to end up disappointed.  This isn’t to say that we’re not comfortable with our partner(s) or that we don’t love him/her.  It has more to do with the conscious/unconscious state of being and the willingness to share a very intimate and personal experience.

One thing I’ve come to learn from most women is that once they have had a self induced orgasm in front of their partner where nothing “bad” happened, they are better able to achieve an orgasms with them next time around.

With that in mind, I suggest you take a night where you both masturbate for each other. I’m serious. Relax and allow yourself to have an orgasm in front of him. Try not to be embarrassed or afraid to let go. Don’t rush, take as long as you need.  Do it for you and you alone. Use whatever toy you feel works best and that you love to personally play with. If it helps, just pretend that he isn’t even there. Sit him in a corner by himself in the shadows and do all of the things you would normally do for yourself. Whether it’s lighting candles, playing music, fantasizing about a male/female you are attracted to or putting on your pajamas. What ever you do when you are by yourself, do that.

I know it’s probably a scary, overwhelming, intimidating, and bizarre idea to throw out there, but if you trust your partner, self, and want to get past any issues you might be having it’s worth trying. What’s the worst that can happen? …you’ll have an orgasm, might do something embarrassing, he’ll make you feel better about it, and the next time you’ll both know what to expect. No biggie. Trust me, if he loves you and wants to see you happy, he’ll do whatever it takes to make you feel comfortable in your own skin.

Other Suggestions

For as hard or uncomfortable as it might be, talk to your partner about your insecurities and the things that make you feel vulnerable in the moment. If they understand where you’re coming from they may be willing to help you explore and feel confident in your skin.

Try using toys during sex. It is VERY common that most women can’t achieve an orgasm without the clitoral stimulation that a penis can not provide. By introducing toys during sex you create the much needed stimulation of the clitoris.

You also might want to look for a more powerful vibrator like the Hitachi Magic Wand as it may be “harder” for you to reach the level of arousal you need from clitoral stimulation to achieve an orgasm. Keep in mind that not everyone is built the same, so what might take one woman 1 minute of stimulation to reach an orgasm might take another 10 minutes, a half an hour, or even longer.

When it comes to sex there are certain “levels” within the a persons Sexual Response Cycle that need to be reached in order to achieve an orgasm. You may want to watch my video on the subject in order to learn more about your body and the way it’s reacting, so that you can understand what’s happening and hopefully figure out what you specifically need to do.

Finally, stop trying. One of the main problems that people face when achieving an orgasm is that they forget to relax and enjoy it. They stress themselves out about and end up not being able to allow it to happen naturally. Remember, sex is supposed to be fun not stressful.

It may take more then one go at it, but with time if you are able to relax enough to let go and surrender to that primal part of yourself, you should be able to reach an orgasm.  Enjoy it!

hope that helped


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