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Sex Ed 102 Q&A: Is My Boyfriend Gay?

Question:

First I just want to say that I love your YouTube videos, they are so informational.

I would appreciate if you could help me with a dilemma. I recently saw a picture of my boyfriend on a website that I would consider to be a gay site. It’s primarily for people who are attracted to transsexual people. Most of the people on the site are pre-op which means they still have dicks, which makes me even more concerned. I have absolutely no idea if he has ever been with someone like this or if this is just a fantasy but even if it is just a fantasy, I’m concerned.

I don’t know how to bring this to his attention but I know I need to because I’m worried and he could be putting me in danger of getting something. How do I let him know or ask him if he is living a double life or is on the downlow? We’ve been together for 3 1/2 years and it would hurt my heart to know that he is like this. He has never shown signs of being interested in men in any way. As a matter of fact he always talks and acts as if he’s damn near homophobic. I appreciate your help!

Answer:

First off thanks for watching and supporting what I do!

As for the question…I too have been there.

When I was in high school I was in a relationship with someone that I loved very much. We were very close, not only lovers but best friends, we were together all the time and thought one day we would get married…typical high school sweethearts.

One day I found his journal and read it (which I know was wrong of me) and in doing so found a phone number and beneath it a males name and a code. Out of curiousity and trusting my instincts, I called it. The number was for a chat line called “Manline“, where males can talk with other males (I’m sure you know what I’m getting at). I was shocked, sad, angry, hurt and disappointed. You name it, I felt it.

So after a few days of tormenting myself I confronted him. He denied it. I asked him again and told him that I already knew what was going on so he better be honest. He still denied it, not only that but got very angry with me for invading his personal space and privacy. Looking back, and knowing him as well as I did, I can completely understand why he’d be upset. And in truth, it wasn’t so much that he was interested in men that hurt, it was that he had lied to my face without a thought towards my feelings.

I made a decision based on the information I had to end the relationship. I didn’t want to chance “catching” something nor did I want to be lied to. I also wasn’t sure if I could trust him again, if he was able to lie once, what was to say that he couldn’t/wouldn’t do it again. It broke my heart, but I felt it was in my own best interest.

Of course my situation isn’t your situation, so what I have to offer is this; before you make up your mind make certain it is him and not someone that looks like him, sounds like him or writes like him. How you do that is your choice, but I do think it’s important. If you’ve done your research and are sure it’s him, bring it up with him in a gentle and respectful way (I find asking rather than confronting can make a big difference in how people react). Let him know that you are not judging, but that you need to know for your own safety and security. I’d also suggest taking some time to figure out if he’s someone that you want to continue having in your life if it is true – just because he may be attracted to men or transexuals doesn’t men he’s a bad person or that he’s not the same person you once loved.

Be prepared for him to deny it, to lie, to try to cover it up to get mad at you, at himself, to yell, or cry, or start a fight. If it is infact him, you may be putting him in a situation that he is personally not yet ready to face or deal with. He might not even know himself “what” he is or “who” he is, and this might be part of his experimentation or exploration to find out. Please also keep in mind that as this may be his way of experimenting…it might also be something that will pass in time. However, this was never meant for your eyes. Only his.

In my situation there was a long period of time afterward where we did not talk. We were always aware of how each other was, either through friends or the ‘scene’ we both frequented, but for the most part there was no face to face contact. After about a year of absence from each others lives we talked on the phone, it was an emotional, eye opening and healing conversation where he admitted everything and told me that he was gay, that he had been all along but didn’t want to come out for fear of how people would react. He was a sensitive person and the thought of people rejecting or abandoning him terrified him, rather than coming out he just kept quiet. Up until his passing over a year ago we were still in each others lives, often having short periods of distance followed by intense periods of catching up and being inseparable. Regardless of our past, until the day he died there was love. Lots of love…and also lots of forgiveness.

Unfortunately I cannot say that you will have your own “happy ending”, that the pain, frustration and confusion you’re experiencing will all be for nothing. I don’t know you and I don’t know him, so my opinion is just that – an opinion. I can however suggest that maybe this isn’t something personal about or against you…but instead, a part of who he is and needs to learn about so that he can within himself become “whole”.

Be gentle with your approach, loving with your words and try to remember that we all, on every level, deserve to be treated with respect and decency no matter what our sexual “choice” in life is. That being said, I have lived my life by one very true motto that spoke volumes to me when I was younger and questioning the “wrongness” or “rightness” of my own sexuality:

A hand is a hand,
A touch is a touch,
Love is Love.
And Love cannot be denied.

I wish you the best of luck and truly hope that whatever happens you’ll be able to remain respectful and understanding regarding each others feelings. I wish there was a clear cut answer to this kind of situation, unfortunately there isn’t and we just have to make up the road as we go.

Kara_Sutra

p.s I would also like to state that in my opinion, when it comes to being homosexual, transexual etc…there is no right or wrong. The statement that it is a persons “choice” has no relevance to me. You are who you are and that can’t be ignored or denied. Nor should it be.

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Sex Ed 102 Q&A: I like talking dirty, am I normal?

For The Beginner, Q & A, Sexuality

Question:

I got into a relationship almost a year ago (I’m now 18) and I just realized that I have a really big naughty side to me and am starting to show it. I don’t know why but just texting can sometimes get me excited and arouse me. He likes it and so do I, but people are making me feel like I’m a slut because of the way I am starting to act towards him which is making me feel bad about myself.

Is what I’m feeling normal? Am I really just a “slut”? I like talking dirty, am I normal?

Please help, I’m so confused!

Just Another Confused Teen

Answer

Dear JACT ,

Simply put – you’re normal! What you’re going through is very common and to be expected at your age. There is nothing wrong with you and it’s not something to be ashamed or embarrassed about.

What you’re experiencing is a natural part of puberty and something most teens experience between the ages of *10-17 for girls and *12-18 for boys (I use those numbers because they are what is commonly defined as a “teen”). This change in sexual awareness and arousal is due to changes in hormones that shift the body from childhood to being capable of reproduction.

This is a time that should be embraced as an opportunity for you to learn about your body, what you’re feeling sexually, and why, rather than worrying what other people think. That said, in regard to those who are calling you a “slut” or making you “feel like one”, I suggest you ignore them and learn to be gentler, kinder, and more accepting of yourself and your new found breach into womanhood.

In an effort to avoid further name calling I suggest that you keep your private life separate from those who feel the need to pass judgment. Not everyone needs to know what you’re doing or saying to him. That’s between you and he. If it is something that you would like to share, only do so with those that you feel comfortable with, trust, and know wont have any negative feedback.

Also keep in mind that if they haven’t yet, those who have been making you “feel like a slut” will soon discover that they too are experiencing sexual feelings towards others and like you, may not know whats going on or how to deal with it.

Hope that helped,
Kara_Sutra

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Sex Ed 102 Q&A: Non-Latex Condoms

Condoms & Safer Sex Products, Q & A

Question:

Hi Kara, I just wanted to say that I love your videos and the new website! I have a question of my own that I don’t see anywhere so I figured I’d just send it in a message. My boyfriend and I have had sex before, we always use condoms but sometimes I get a rash or sore after. We’ve ruled most things out, however we were wondering if there were such things as non latex condoms and where we could get them?

I’d really appreciate an answer, even a video! Thanx in advance

Wondering in Wisconsin

Answer

Dear Wondering in Wisconsin,

Thanks for watching and supporting what I do!

There are condoms made out of materials other than latex but they tend to be pretty pricey. Having said that, if you’re on a budget and aren’t allergic to latex (as ruled out by a doctor), I’m going to suggest that you opt for less expensive latex condoms that come in larger quantities so you always have some on hand when the mood strikes. On that note, I suggest having your doctor test you for a latex allergy, just to be sure.

I’m also going to suggest seeing your doctor if after every time you have sex you break out in a rash. It might not be an allergy, but instead an STD. It’s nothing to be embarrassed or worried about, many healthy, happy, smart and loving individuals get STD’s.

As for the different types of condoms, should you decide to try them;

Lamb skin:

Trojan’s Naturalamb is one of the last remaining brands widely available. Some people who use them rave about their comfort, while others complain that there is a distinct farm-like smell to them. The most important thing to know about natural membrane condoms is that they do not provide protection from STDs — they are only effective as a barrier for contraception. Other than that they also tend to be far more expensive then the other non-latex condoms on the market.

While I don’t think I need to say this I’m going to – if you’re a vegan or vegetarian you probably won’t want to try them for obvious reasons.

Polyisoprene:

For people with latex allergies, SKYN condoms are an amazing breakthrough and, thankfully, a much more affordable option when it comes to offering protection against an unplanned pregnancy and STDs, including HIV. The feel of SKYN is noticeably different and much thinner than latex condoms. SKYN is made from a synthetic material called polyisoprene which is stretchy and form fitting unlike polyurethane condoms.

SKYN condoms are not as thin as polyurethane condoms, but in most cases they will fit better.

Polyurethane:

Polyurethane condoms are made of the same material the female condom is made from and are thought to provide protection against both pregnancy and STDs. Trojan Supra condoms are much thinner than standard latex condoms, and they are also made a bit larger (unlike latex, polyurethane doesn’t stretch, so the larger size is in part to prevent breakage). Another stated benefit of polyurethane is that it transmits heat better than latex, thus enhancing sensitivity.

Hope that helped and provided you with some of the options available, while also offering some info on each so you can find one that best suits your needs.

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Q&A w/ Kara_Sutra: Does Penis Size Matter?

For The Guys, Q & A

*the above video is about 6 years old, I debated posting it but ultimately felt it still did a fairly decent job of getting the point across.

Question:

Hi Kara,

First let me say I watch every video you put on YouTube. I consider what you do a real service to the community. If people can watch it without feeling guilty or stupid, then you may have just saved a life or helped someone feel more comfortable about themselves.

Now, about me. I’m a healthy male, and I have a micro-penis. I was born with this condition. I masturbate normally, and have erections normally, etc. The only thing is my length is about 3″ when fully erect and my girth is around 1″, maybe just under.

As you can imagine, this has been a huge issue for me my entire life. As a teenager, being introduced to sex, I was mortified of having the discussion with my girlfriends. So, it never came up. When I went to high school I never took showers, out of embarrassment. It wasn’t until AFTER I graduated, my doctor talked to me and said “Gee, why didn’t you just wear swim trunks and tell people it was a skin condition or something?” Thanks, doc, a few years too late.

I met my current girlfriend and she and I hit it off immediately. After a few dates she wants to have sex and I start to worry, what if she doesn’t like me because of my penis? What if I can’t satisfy her? I don’t want to lose such a great opportunity in love.

I somehow (I will never know how to this day) got up the nerve to tell her about everything over the phone. Amazingly enough, she understands. She says we’ll work things out when we need to. I’m shocked, in awe, and simply ecstatic. So we eventually had sex. Our sex was more like lesbian sex, a lot of fingering, a LOT of oral, etc.

Now, I don’t know if its my brain malfunctioning, but I’ve always WANTED to have “normal” male/female sex. You know, penis in vagina. I don’t know if its a “feelings of inadequacy” thing, or what. So I’ve been looking at hollow strap-on harness sets like Vac-U-Lock. I’m wondering if you know of a good one to use. My main concern is the quality of the attachment, since her pleasure is paramount for me. I don’t want to get a very rigid/plastic-y dong attachment, since the whole reason for this is me giving HER pleasure. I want to be able to do all the positions that normal people do, but I can’t.

I hope you read this far, if you did, thank you. I know you’ll be able to point me in the right direction. Thank you for not judging, thank you for educating and entertaining. You are the best.

Does Penis Size Matter? Answer

First off thanks for watching and supporting what I do!

As for the question, what you are experiencing is fairly common. I receive emails from males in your same situation at least 5 -10 times a week, so you are definitely not alone in it.

I also wanted to let you know how proud I am that you got up the courage to talk to your partner and be honest with how you felt and what you were going through. It must have been very difficult for you and something most would just shy away from. As I’ve tried to stress before, communication is key to making things work, and your being willing to be open and honest with her will go a long way in building a foundation of trust and understanding.

The best advice I can give when it comes to your feelings of inadequacy is to let you know that as long as you are able to please her orally or by manual stimulation (fingering) then you haven’t too much to worry about. Keep in mind that majority of women (around 70%) get off from clitoral stimulation, not from penetration. That’s why I always say it’s not your dick that’s the source of your power. Funnily enough, judging from the letters I receive from many females the majority of men don’t know what to do with their “normal” sized dicks anyways… or fingers, or mouth for that matter.

As for your interest in strap-on’s, is there any particular reason that you were thinking of a Vac-U-Lock? I only ask because they usually aren’t the “better” brand.

With Vac-U-Lock you will need to purchase the “plug“, harness as well as the dildo/dong attachments (usually separately) and unfortunately it is only compatible with other Vac-U-Lock products.

Aside from that, they’re usually only made out of jelly materials (which are porous and absorb bodily fluids, lube and bacteria).

Where the harness is concerned I suggest you stay away from the plastic, rubbery feeling ones as they either tend to rub on the skin a little too much or trap the sweat underneath causing the product to either stick to you (not comfortably) or slide around.

There are many other products available on the market that I think could do the job while also providing some stimulation for you, without being too big or bulky, falling off, or only being compatible with one another.

You may want to also think about penis extensions, they can be more comfortable as well as have a more realistic feel and look to them.

Also, considering the fact that the g-spot is located between 1-3 inches inside the vagina you don’t need to have a large penis to stimulate it. In fact, it’s often those with “smaller” penises that tend to offer the most stimulation for women where g-spot stimulation and penetration are concerned. That being said you may want to consider something that adds girth and not length like a sleeve.

With the different suggestions you may have to try a few and see what works best for you. Do your best to not be discouraged if a product doesn’t work out the way you wanted or hoped, instead, try something new, make it fun and realize many men have had to go through this as well.

I’ve posted a bunch of images below of the products I’d personally suggest, feel free to shop on my new toy site, or to take the suggestions and shop around for better prices elsewhere. I’m not in it for the money, only to help out where I can.

Before I go I’d also like for you to consider that unless she has said something to you about it, she may actually be comfortable with the size of your penis. Not all females care about penis size, or want a large penis, instead they care about the level of intimacy and comfort they have with their partner.

Sleeves and Extensions

*if you have allergies always check the material before purchasing.

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Q & A – Condoms vs The Pill

Contraception, Q & A, Safer Sex

Heya!

I just watched a few of your videos and in the “Peer Pressure” one you were talking about running out of condoms. I’d like to have your opinion: why choose condoms over pills, shots and all the other things out there?

Thanks in advance!

Answer

There are many reasons I always stress the use of condoms;

1.) Although the pill has been around for quite a while there is still testing being done on it to see what long term effects it can have on the person taking it, not to mention the generations to follow. Pills, shots, patches, and any other chemical that one would take, can alter your bodies natural chemical balance causing serious side effects like acne, sore breast tissue, weight gain, mood swings, headaches, stomach upset, increased risk of Cancer and more. I don’t personally believe in altering our bodies natural way of doing things when there are other less invasive products available. Not to mention it can be harder to conceive after stopping taking them.

2.) Those products DO NOT protect against the virus’s that cause STI’s. Like I’ve said before, you never know what someone is doing behind your back and it’s better to be safe then sorry.

3.) Prescriptions (like the pill) and other forms of protection (like the shot) require seeing a doctor. Depending on age, confidentiality and privacy issues, as well as doctors fee’s (in Canada we have OHIP but I don’t know what it’s like in other Countries) some people won’t feel comfortable seeing a doctor or spending money that they don’t have. Condoms are cheap, easy to get your hands on, and discreet.

4.) Condoms can be easily accessed by females or males, and place the responsibility on both partners to come prepared. When it comes to the pill it is left in the females hands. A male has no clue if she’s really taking it, taking it properly (on time every day) or if she’s just saying she is. Trust me I’ve heard it a hundred times “but she said she was on the pill…”. Condoms allow both partners to be assured that they are being safe when it comes to unplanned pregnancy and protecting themselves from any post coital worry.

5.) The pill requires that you take it every day at the same time to ensure that it works effectively. If you miss one day you put yourself at higher risk of becoming pregnant. I don’t know about you, but I’m not that great with routine or remembering to do something the same time every day, especially with such a hectic lifestyle. It’s easier to remember to put a condom on before having sex, then it is to remember to take a pill.

6.) Although the pill is highly effective when taken properly, things like medication (antibiotics etc) can lesson its effectiveness without a person even knowing. To find out if a medication is going to cancel out or change the effectiveness of the pill I suggest you always speak to a doctor before filling a prescription.

Off the top of my head those are just a few of the reasons that I always suggest using condoms. If you feel it necessary to use two forms of protection (i.e condoms AND the pill/shot etc) please feel free to use your judgment in finding something that is a good fit for both you and your partner. Remember, two types of protection are always better then one.

Hope that helps!

Kara_Sutra

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