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The Big Bin of #SexToyFails: Part 1

Over the last 7 years of reviewing sex toys a lot of craptastic things have come my way. Some bored me, others gave me migraine inducing headaches, one had me ‘flailing like a maniac having a carpal tunnel fit‘, another was complete and utter torture. I’ve even gone so far as to liken a vibrator to a rabid bunny bashing at my bits. Ok, so that wasn’t the exact quote, but it’s close enough.

And that’s just the sex toy fails I’ve written about.

Not surprisingly there are more, many more. Most of which found themselves dumped in an over sized storage bin and tucked in the furthest corner of my closet never to be seen again…. until the desperate need to purge rolled around. Which leads us to this post.

Big Bin Of Sex Toy Fails

the big bin of fails in all its glory

Rather than spouting off my opinion based on appearances alone, which is what I tend to do with the horrors found in my #WTFWednesday posts, I’ve tested each of these (or had someone try, as was the case with the masturbators) and either thought they were so ridiculous that I couldn’t bring myself to write a full review, or had one session with them and said ‘nope, not doing this again’, banishing them to the bin forevermore.

Even with my displeasure, I’ll admit they’re not all horrible, heck some of you might even own a few and like them. But for me, these were deal breakers; sex toy fails I’ll never use again and couldn’t bare to dump on unsuspecting friends. That shit would just be cruel.

The Big Bin Of Sex Toy Fails

bounding bunny dual vibeRhythm O Bounding Bunny

Once upon a time I was a huge fan of rabbit vibes. There was something so alluring about slipping one inside, pushing a button or two, and laying back like a lazy little b while it did all the work. It was around this period that I acquired the Rhythm O Bounding Bunny, a dual vibe I thought to be promising.  However, after one use I realized it would be better off as roadkill…

Rather than your typical metal balls or pearls, the ‘rotations’ are carried out via what appears to be a half cob of corn covered by a heavy layer of saran wrap. And the spinning action, let’s just say the kernels undulate rather than turn… so not only are you having sex with thickly wrapped dinner left overs, now they’ve apparently been eaten by a transparent snake that’s writhing around inside your vadge. Get the visual, yeah not very hot is it?

Aside from that it’s heavy, big and bulky, isn’t very ergonomic, has far too many buttons controlling different things (making it difficult to manage when it’s stuffed inside you), is made of TPE (so although phthalate free, it’s still porous and can’t be fully sterilized), attracts lint and fluff like you wouldn’t believe, and requires 4 AAA batteries. Oh, and as an added bonus, any time you clench your PC muscles, it stops. Maybe I just don’t know my own strength. *smirk*

Everything considered, the vibe isn’t terrible, but it’s not great either. I’d say it lands somewhere between meh and blah. Not exactly the place you want to find your product sitting with a well versed sex toy reviewer. Sadly, the only thing it has going for it is the decently powerful clitoral stimulator, but you can find something similar without all the bulk or hefty price tag in a standard vibrating egg.

If you’re dead set on a dual vibe, one that’s body safe, rechargeable, and doesn’t look like a cob of corn, take a gander at a few other luxury options like the Lelo Ina 2, Je Joue Fifi, OhMiBod Freestyle W Rabbit, Vanity Vr6, or Envy Seven. For those of you looking for something cheaper, there’s the Fun Factory Tango, Joya Tulip, the unconventional Rock Chick, or maybe something within the Entice collection of dual vibes. Trust me, any of them are better than that damn bounding bunny

Fleshlight Blade & Fleshjack Sword

fleshlight blade swordI’ve been a fan of Fleshlight ever since I finger fucked one in the poorly lit corner of a sex shop nine years ago. The realistic appearance, soft and plush texture, and ergonomic design instantly gave birth to a penis envy I still can’t shake.

Having said that, of the over 15 different things I’ve received from Fleshlight, there were bound to be a few that left my testers unimpressed… for example, the Fleshlight Blade and Fleshjack Sword.

Don’t get me wrong, I get it, people want the option to control how tight something is and giving them a masturbator with a squishy body probably seemed like a really great idea, but here’s the problem; it just doesn’t work that well.

Before I go on let me say that the experience, i.e. what the sleeves deliver, is true to form and exactly what it should be with any Fleshlight. But that’s where the fun stops. There’s no other way to say it than these versions feel cheap, flimsy, and just don’t live up to the standard I’ve grown accustom to.

Judging by exterior appearances they don’t look too bad; they’re highly detailed, original in design, and come in bright blue or gold casings. However, for as attractive as they are, I wouldn’t say they’re discreet. Rather than blending into the background these bad boys stick out like a sore thumb. I won’t lie, if I saw something made of bright blue plastic that looked like the end of a sword, I’d sure as hell ask what it was, if not reach out and open it myself. Then again I’m nosy like that.

fleshlight blade sleeve compared to original fleshlightAs for the sleeves, they have smaller openings, are shorter in length, and sport thinner bodies than the original designs. If you bought a Fleshlight and found it to be too large, you might like them, but if you’re someone with a larger than average sized penis, you’ll probably have issues with insertion and use.

Also, I’ve been told they make a distracting ‘pffft’ sound with each thrust; unlike the original Fleshlight whose suction can be adjusted via a screw cap on the bottom, Blade and Sword have four little holes where the air gets pushed through during use. Not only is your experience slightly limited because of this, but as an added bonus you’ve now got four ways for the lube to dribble to the floor. Yay! #sarcasm.

On top of all that, the original versions are much easier to reassemble, just give them a good wash, cornstarch them up, and slide into place for safe keeping. Not the case with Blade or Sword. One of my testers went into graphic detail about how he used the end of his toothbrush to ‘angrily jam it into place’ while muttering profanities at it. Certainly not how a fake pussy should be treated.

fleshlight case compared to fleshlight swordOh, and once you finally do get the sleeve back in the cover, the cap refuses to stay put.  Push with all your might, force it if you have to, just know that no matter what you do, all your Sword/Blade wants to do is go commando. One knock to the floor and it’s game over, I’m not even referring to the lint they’ll pick up. If you ask me, Fleshlight did it right the first time around. #ScrewCapForTheWin.

Lastly, they kinda look like you’re fucking a pussy or ass that’s a pear. Literally. Probably not a big deal for many of you, but if you’re into banging edibles, may I instead suggest a hollowed pumpkin? One can only assume it’d be a lot more accommodating, cheaper too!

With everything I disliked about these two I think you’d be better off snagging an original Fleshlight or a Fleshlight Vibro. Looking for something a little smaller? the three different Sex In a Can versions are much better options. Want a good deal? Check my Fleshlight sale page, I’ve collected the best sales and even listed a few combo packs and products you won’t easily find on the website.

  baconlubeBacon Flavored Lube

When it comes to bacon flavored foods there’s a lot that I ‘get’. Take smokey bacon Lays potato chips for example, it’s a no-brainer. Bacon flavored pancakes, delish. Beggin strips, probably the only thing my dog would leave me for. Baconnaise, that shit’s just necessary (it’s vegan too!). Bloody Caesar’s rimmed with bacon salt and spiked with Bakon Vodka, now you’re speaking my language.

However, when you start getting into the realm of bacon flavored gumballs, bacon sunscreen, bacon chocolate bars, bacon lollipops, bacon lip balm, or bacon soda, among other things, it’s time to take a step back and reassess the situation.

Then there’s Bacon Flavored Lube… and almost instantly everything in me screams no, JUST. NO.

I’m going to be blatantly honest and say there is no point in time when I want to go down on a partner whose junk smells like it was just flipped out of a frying pan and served up with all day breakfast. And in the off chance that I absolutely had to, I’d hope to be pleasantly surprised. Instead what you’re greeted with is much closer to licking a pan where bacon grease was left cooling to a white coating, than what you’d get from eating actual bacon. It’s salty, musty, thick and pungent, slightly sweet, and wrong on every level. I think my partner summed it up best when he said “it’s bacony, but it’s disgusting!”

baconlubeforbreakfastMaking matters worse, the scent lingers long after you’ve attempted to lick/wash it off. My word of advice, don’t go to the dog park after. It’s creepy, and depending on who’s in the park that day, could potentially land you in the hospital. Or jail. #guardyourprivates

Also, it’s billed as a ‘personal lubricant and massage oil’. Considering I have a hard enough time stomaching the lube idea, the massage oil takes it to a whole other level. Why anyone would want to be slicked down with simulated bacon grease just so they could be massaged into a stinking mess is beyond me. Shit, I might understand if it was actually good, but it’s not. I say again, ‘it’s bacony, but it’s disgusting!”

Being a lover of flavored lubes I have no problem admitting there’s a certain charm to ones that smell like desert, fruits, or other goodness, but there is nothing charming about the smell of cooked meat on someone’s privates. Period.

Rather than assaulting your taste buds with the horrific concoction that is bacon lube, I’d suggest any of the Sliquid flavored lubes, System Jo Tangerine Dream, Raspberry Sorbet, or Chocolate DreamIntimate Organics Macadamia Nut, or Cinnamon Vanilla by Good Clean Love. None of them taste like the crap J&D’s make, and they’re better lubes because of it.

End Rant.

So there you have it, the first edition of my big bin of sex toy fails.

Like what you read? Make sure to sign up for my mailing list below and be the first to know when I add another 4 next month… here’s a few hints as to what they might be; one’s a ‘collectors dildo’ created by a designer, another would be much better as a kids stuffed tooth to prep for dentist visits, one tastes like a medicine I was given when I was 12 and had tonsillitis, the last had me terrified while bathing in murky bathwater. Trust me, you don’t want to miss out!

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Review: BiMini Flash

One of the suggestions I’m often given by my viewers is to cover smaller toys…

You know, one’s that aren’t so long, heavy, “intrusive” or overly girthy…

One’s that don’t hurt while they’re being inserted or poke at the bottom of your cervix…

One’s that don’t leave you sore from being “stretched out” or otherwise raw from too much friction…

Well you asked and I listened!

Thanks to the folks at Eden Fantasys I am able to provide a review of a product that I absolutely love!  (and think those of you who have asked for smaller products will love too!)

The Good

As you all know I’m a big fan of Fun Factory toys, not only are they easy to use, well made, powerful, crafted from body safe material and very creative in terms of design, but they also now come in a fully rechargeable versions that I love – the Click ‘n’ Charge line.

One of the products in that line is the BiMini Flash, a soft, supple, slightly squishy and very small dual vibrator that is guaranteed to please!

For those of you that have found the insertion of a vibe to be painful (most likely due to a larger, harder head on the product) the Flash begins with a squishy and supple pointed tip that tapers to a girth of only 4 ¼ inches around. While that may sound large, it’s actually very small and should be comfortable, both in regard to insertion and the products use.

As for the length, the product is rather small measuring only 5 1/2″ (in total length) with only the first 3 meant for insertion – like I said, it’s small, comfortably small.

In regard to the power of the vibe, be prepared to be amazed! Seriously!

When I first got my BiMini Flash I had very low expectations; I didn’t think it would be powerful, I assumed the vibe would only be felt in either the clitoral piece or the shaft – not both – and I also assumed the patterns would be weak. Boy was I wrong!

Unlike a lot of vibrators that have a motor in the bottom or top of the product, which can the diminish the strength of the vibe, the BiMini has one right in the middle so that the vibrations can be powerfully felt throughout the entire vibe, especially on the g-spot.

While it is very powerful, it’s also surprisingly quiet. Sure it makes noise, it is a vibrator after all, but it’s not as loud as one would assume. Now take into consideration that it might be muffled by sheets  and you’ve got yourself one very quiet vibe.

Like all Fun Factory toys the BiMini Flash is coated in body safe high quality silicone making it non porous (so it won’t absorb bacteria), easy to care for, odour free, latex free and phthalate free.  On that note, when it comes to lubes I would only suggest a good water based lube as a silicone lube would more than likely ruin your toy.

Operating Instructions

As for operating the BiMini Flash well it’s extremely easy; located on the lower end of the back of the toy are two buttons a plus (+)and a minus (-) sign. To turn the product on just hold down the plus (+) button for 3 seconds and it begins to vibrate at a very low purr. To increase the speed just press the plus (+) button or hold it down.

Once you’ve reached the highest speed of vibration press the plus (+)button one more time and it’ll take you to the pulsation modes, there are 3 in total ranging from a low throbbing to a very fast pulsation. So, for those of you that like variety, without having too much to choose from, this is a perfect product.

To turn it off just hold down the minus (-) button for 3 seconds which should take you to the lowest setting, then press it one more time and it turns off.

Care & Cleaning

Because the BiMini Flash is completely waterproof you can simply clean it by using a mild anti bacterial soap and rinsing it well.  When it comes to drying I would personally suggest letting it air dry or using a lint free towel as the matte finish of the silicone can attract lint.

As for charging the vibe it’s rather simple; just connect the magnetic charger to the bottom of the vibrator and let it charge. There is nothing to “plug in” or cradle for your vibe to sit in, nor are they any confusing buttons you have to push. It’s simple, extremely simple…but that doesn’t mean it’s free of annoyances. (read the section below and you’ll understand why I say that)

The Bad

As for things I personally don’t like about the vibrator, well there aren’t any.

That said, the biggest complaint I’ve heard (from others) in regard to the design of the vibe is the fact that clitoral stimulator isn’t very long and might not reach the clit very well.  I personally didn’t have any problems with the length and actually found it to be rather comfortable, but that’s just me. Keep in mind that every female is different and what might work for one might not work for another and vice versa.

Now when it comes to things I didn’t like about the charger, well that’s another story…

The concept behind charging the vibe the is actually very, very, very simple,  but it can also be slightly annoying…

Located on the charging connector are two little silver circles which are meant to magnetically stick to the word “fun” on the bottom of your vibe.  While the magnetism is very strong, any little movement can cause a break in the connection which causes the charging to stop. Like I said, it’s an extremely simple concept, but it can also be rather annoying when put into practice.

I found that the best way to keep this from happening was to place it on a flat, non metallic surface where it can’t be moved and just let it charge. Since the charger is short circuit proof you don’t have to worry about leaving it to sit.

Final Verdict

While I found the charger to be a wee bit of a pain in the ass, I gotta admit, I pretty much LOVE the BiMini Flash!  It’s easy to use, easy to care for, made of body safe silicone, waterproof, very powerful, rather quiet, soft and supple, latex and phthalte free…but most of all it’s the perfect size for amazing g-spot stimulation (and in my case clitoral stimulation too!)

For those of you that are new to sex toys and looking for a luxury vibe that’s compact, not at all painful and will fit your bodies needs this might just be the perfect one for you!

If you’d like more info on the BiMini Flash or any of the other amazing products that Fun Factory makes be sure to head over to Eden Fantasys where shopping is fast, easy and discreet!

Sex toys - EdenFantasys adult toys store

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Review: The Lelo Ina

For those of you not in the loop Lelo makes a line of products that could definitely be classified as “luxury” toys. They’re made of FDA approved materials (silicone and hard ABS plastic), making them phthalate and latex free, seamless (allows for a painless insertion), rechargeable, professionally packaged, easy to care for, very powerful and come with a 1 year warranty, along with a 10 year quality guarantee! Seriously, if there was a line that was worthy of the price tag – Lelo would be one of them.

The Good

As for the Ina, there were many features that impressed me;

It’s very professional packaged. The box is both colorful and pretty with nothing on it that screams “SEX TOY!” – no nudity, profanity, it’s not cheaply packaged, nor is there anything that would otherwise make you recoil at the sight of it. The box itself is “designer” in appearance and could easily be mistaken for an unknown high-tech gadget found in a department store.

At just under 8 inches in total length, of which only 3 ½ are insertable, Ina is a very small dual vibrator. I’ll be honest, I was quite surprised as I had only seen it in photo’s and thought it would be MUCH bigger (which isn’t always a good thing, something many can testify to).

Although it is a “firm” product it’s also very soft (velvety almost), seamless, lightweight and fits very comfortably in a hand, not to mention the body.

Ina has 2 separate motors (one located in each “pleasure point”). As a dual vibrator this is definitely a fantastic feature as it allows both your g-spot and clitoris to have direct and powerful stimulation.

Finally, the fact that it is rechargeable, giving you 4 hours of play for a 2 hour charge time is pretty amazing. Not only does this save you money on batteries and the environment (again with the batteries), but it also means that you can take as long as you need to reach an orgasm without having to worry about it dying before you get “there”.

*On a side note; I charged my Ina for 2 hours as directed and then left it running on the pillow while I went about my day. I was quite curious to see if the product really lasted the 4 hours it says. To my surprise, just over 4.5 hours later it was still going. The red light was showing indicating that the battery was low, but it was still going a half hour after I thought it would. Suffice to say, the Ina will most likely be going long after you’re done.

Operating Instructions

In regard to working the product it’s very, very easy; located on the glossy handle are four buttons: + (plus) – (minus) Δ (upward triangle) and ▼(downward triangle)
*push the + (plus) symbol to turn it on
*hold the + (plus) symbol to increase the speed of the vibration
*press the Δ (upward triangle) to run upwards through the 8 settings. Each time you press the button you will go to the next setting.
*press the ▼(downward triangle) to run downwards through the 8 settings. Each time you press the button you will go to the next setting. **One of the great things with this is that you don’t have to run through all of the settings if you accidentally hit the Δ and go past the setting you like; just click the ▼button and you can go back to it.
*press the – (minus) button to lower the power of the vibration
*hold the – (minus) button to turn it off.

While that may sound like a lot, in truth it’s probably one of the easiest toys I’ve ever used.

As an added bonus, for those of you that like to take your toys with you when you travel the Ina comes with a “locking” feature that keeps it from accidentally turning on. Just hold all four buttons at once (the – + ▼ Δ) and the LED light will turn on, then off, letting you know it’s locked. To unlock the Ina just hold down all four buttons again and you’re good to go.

As for the 8 settings they include; a steady low flutter, clitoral stimulator only, g-spot stimulator only, both g-spot and clitoral stimulator, a pulsation, cycling (almost as if it goes circular from g-spot to clitoral and around again) a intermittent vibe between g-spot and clit, and a roller coaster between g-spot and clitoral stimulation. Add to that the increase or decrease in vibrational speed and you’ve more then 8 settings. Just another reason for me to be impressed with this toy!

Cleaning & Care

When it comes to lubes I would highly suggest a water based lube ONLY. Since it’s a silicone product you don’t want to use a silicone lube as it could bond with the material and cause it to break down over time…basically, you ruin your Ina.

On that note, since it’s a silicone toy it’s non porous and not going to absorb any bacteria making cleaning easy; just wash it with warm water and anti bacterial soap, rinse it well and pat with a lint free cloth to dry. For safe keeping I suggest you either place it back in the pretty box or bag it comes with for storage.

Once you’ve finished with the Ina and want to charge it for next time, or if you notice that the LED light is glowing red (meaning it’s low on juice) just remove the silicone stopper located on the bottom, insert the DC plug into the DC socket and plug it in the wall. While it’s charging the LED will flash to let you know it’s charging. When it stops flashing and just glows it’s done.

The Bad

In regard to negatives the only one I could find was that the clitoral stimulator, while flexible, wasn’t very long and for some women they may find that it comes up short when tying to reach their clitoris. But again, that’s not everyone so for some of you that might not be an issue. Other then that it’s not waterproof. But like most luxury products the benefits FAR outweigh the negatives.

Final Verdict

All in all, I think the Lelo Ina is a vibrator that anyone who’s looking for a truly decadent designer dual vibe NEEDS to have! Not only is it lightweight, made of FDA approved materials making it body safe, seamless, comfortable, soft in feel, odourless, easy to use, rechargeable and very powerful (while being damn near silent!) but it also comes with a one year warranty! I’ll ask again…what more could you want?

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Review: Calla Lily

For my second official review as a California Exotic Novelties Sexpert I am very happy to have received the Calla Lily; an easy to use, not at all intimidating and very powerful dual vibrator that I think both the beginner or more advanced user should love.

The Calla Lily is made of a very soft and supple TPR material making it non-toxic, hypo allergenic and phthalate free. While it does have an internal metal rotator it’s not at all hard and isn’t something that should hurt during insertion.

The insertable shaft of the Calla Lily is 5.5 inches in length with a gentle curve at the end. To make it even better there is a nubby bump (also referred to as an Orgasmic Pinpoint Arouser) with a small but powerful micro bullet right at the tip making it perfect for g-spot stimulation.

For those of you that need clitoral stimulation to achieve an orgasm (don’t worry its normal, about 70% of women need this type of stimulation) there is also a very flexible stimulator at the base of the shaft with an internal bullet that can be independently controlled, delivering amazing clitoral stimulation.

As for the vibrations, there are 8 speeds of both g-spot and clitoral stimulation with 3 functions (pulsating, escalating and throbbing) for each. In my opinion the only downfall with this toy is the buttons; due to the fact that the light doesn’t change and there is no digital display it can be hard to tell what setting you’re on. So long as you enjoy what it’s doing I guess that doesn’t really matter, now does it 😉

As for cleaning, because its made of TPR it is slightly more porous then silicone so I suggest you wash it very well with mild soap and water, rinse it well, then let it air dry.

One thing I do want to make note of is the use of the word -waterproof- while I don’t think it’s that big of a deal if it gets a little wet (either from bodily fluids, lubricant or cleaning) I don’t suggest submerging it fully, like while you’re in the bathtub, as water may get inside and ruin it.

All in all I think the Calla Lily is a pretty damn good toy; its easy to use, non toxic, has multi functions, isnt at all overwhelming and has enough stimulation for both a beginner or advanced toy user.

Anybody who is looking to purchase the Calla Lily may do so from my online store.

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Review: The Butterfly Kiss

If there is one product I think every female on a budget (that also wants a worthwhile vibe) should have, it’s the Platinum Edition Butterfly Kiss. Seriously, I love it.

Not only is the product the perfect length for G-Spot stimulation, but it also has a lovely little soft and squishy bulbous head that makes insertion and targeting the g-spot easy. More then that, it’s made of body safe TPR and it has 9 functions of vibration, pulsation, and escalation to help arouse.

Sure the head isn’t firm or hard, which might not work out very well when it comes to applying pressure – but for me it does everything I need it to and then some. On that note, because it’s made of flexible and squishy TPR it moves with your body rather than feeling like you have something ‘jammed’ in you (a common complaint I’ve heard regarding the standard ‘firm’ vibes).

Like the Slimline G the product can be cleaned with soap and water or toy cleaner. Totally up to you. As for lube, I’d stick with a good water based lube as a silicone would be relatively hard to clean since the TPR is porous.

The downfalls; It requires 2 AAA batteries, attracts lint, and can’t be fully sterilized.

(*In truth I could have added this as a dual vibe, but I love what it does for my G-Spot – so I’m putting it here. To watch my video review click here.)

Final Verdict: 4.5 out of 5 stars


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