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Dear Ronda Rousey, Just Say Yes To Lube!

: credit: getty images/maxim/kara_sutra reviews

If you follow the sex positive community on twitter, you probably saw a thread of angry tweets recently pop up in your feed with the hashtag #tweetyourlube, created by @EmilyNagoski in support of Rachel Kramer Bussels‘ Salon article, where she refuted some terrible sex advice UFC Bantamweight Champion, Ronda Rousey, had to give a male reader.

In the Maxim Magazine piece, Ronda Rousey was asked, “What should a guy ALWAYS do in bed? What should a guy NEVER do in bed?”, to which she answered…

What should a guy always do? Take his time. In general, a girl takes a minute. He needs to get her ready. You should never need lube in your life. If you need lube, than you’re being lazy…and you’re not taking your time.

While I can appreciate what she’s trying to suggest – that great sex comes when you’re present in the moment, not rushing, and enjoying your partner – her answer was ignorant, disappointing, and very unacceptable.

It’s this kind of uninformed advice that further purports the misguided beliefs that a.) if a person can’t get wet it’s because their partner is doing something wrong and failing them, b.) their partner is responsible for their sexual arousal, and/or c.) lube generally isn’t necessary.

I’m sorry Ronda, but no. Just no. This is just not okay.

Arousal and Desire: Knowing The Difference

According to Ms. Rousey’s answer, all it takes for a person to get wet is time, more time, and a bunch of foreplay.

Unfortunately this isn’t exactly how things work.

What she failed to understand is that there is a difference between the processes of arousal and desire. Arousal (the cause of lubrication, we’ll get to that below), is an involuntary physiological bodily response to a type of stimulus. Whereas the desire to have sex is often based a psychological need or want for sexual intimacy. While the two are often deemed as being one in the same, they are two separate experiences.

Furthermore, although arousal and desire often work together, they can also operate independently, for instance; your partner may want to have sex but their body may not respond the way they need/want (i.e. lack of wetness), or in the opposite case, they may not want to have sex but their body could be responding (as is the case with some rape victims who experience orgasm during the attack).

Sure, a lack of foreplay could play a big role in lowered sexual arousal (and subsequent wetness) but there are a variety of other factors that could have an impact as well. Simply suggesting that it comes down to foreplay, time, and more time, is highly ignorant.

But I digress.

You Are Responsible For Your Orgasm, Not Your Partner

Since 2007 I’ve received countless emails from my cis male readers/viewers asking for help when it came to stimulating their cis female partner. In almost every situation the reader felt like he was doing something wrong because his partner couldn’t get wet, wasn’t fully aroused, or couldn’t orgasm no matter how hard he tried.

Unlike Ms. Rouseys advice that he spend more time on stimulation, my first suggestion was often to open the lines of communication; find out what type of touch she preferred, where she liked to be touched, the amount of pressure she needed, and where she was most sensitive to sexual stimulation. Without this information, no amount of help I had to offer would be of any use.

Yes, a person should take their time, but if you’re not doing what your partner likes or needs, it’s pointless. And spending more time doing it certainly isn’t going to help.

In all honesty, this is the kind of thing that makes me ridiculously angry. Unfortunately societal standards have often dictated that it takes a strong, steadfast, virile man to get a female off. That her orgasm is his responsibility. That she is dependent on him and his skills to ‘get her ready’. That if she doesn’t orgasm it’s his fault because he finished too quickly, or didn’t take his time, or wasn’t focused, or wasn’t a good lover, or didn’t know what he was doing, or didn’t anticipate her needs, or couldn’t read her body language, or was ‘lazy‘, or…

I could go on, but the point I’m trying to make is that if you can’t orgasm or become aroused with your partner it’s your responsibility to learn about your body and communicate what you need.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that speaking about sex, or during sex for that matter, is an easy or comfortable thing to do. With all the shame surrounding the subject, our bodies, and sexuality in general, I know how hard and complicated it can be. But if you don’t take ownership of your pleasure and share your needs, you can’t fault your partner when they do try to please you but miss the mark.

A Bit About Vaginal Lubrication, Or Lack Thereof

Before I go on, I figured this would be the perfect opportunity to give a quick run down on vaginal lubrication. That way we’ll all be completely clear on how what Ms. Rousey is suggesting isn’t exactly the best advice…

Vaginal Lubrication: The Coles Notes

During sexual arousal the ‘female’ body experiences a variety of physical changes, the vulva and clitoris swell, the nipples become erect, muscular tension pulls the uterus upwards causing the vaginal canal to extend (both in length and width – called ‘tenting‘), and the vaginal walls fill with blood in a process called vasocongestion (also how erections occur). This vasocongestion causes increased pressure which, in turn, causes the fluid within the blood serum to be pushed through the tissues of the vaginal wall… thus, the vagina becomes lubricated.

Vaginal fluid has other functions besides making it easier for a penis, finger, or sex toy to enter; it decreases pressure and reduces the amount of friction that occurs (potentially saving the vaginal walls from tearing), limits any pain that may be associated with intercourse (allowing for a more comfortable experience), while also changing the chemical nature of the vagina, causing it to become more alkaline and less acidic (making it more hospitable to sperm).

The amount of lubrication created varies from person to person, may be different one day from the next, and changes based on any number of factors.

On that note, the addition of a good lube, whether because a person needs or wants to, certainly isn’t anything to feel bad or embarrassed about. When everything is said and done, it’s a fantastic way of helping things along, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Causes of Vaginal Dryness

Contrary to what Ms. Rousey implied, vaginal dryness is not always caused by a partners lack of time spent engaging in foreplay. Instead, there are many other reasons lack of lubrication could be occurring, including but not limited to;

side effects from medication (many medications often impede sexual arousal, inhibiting the bodies ability to naturally lubricate)

usage of allergy or cold medications (often have a drying effect on the body causing reduced vaginal lubrication)

usage of hormonal birth control methods like the pill (causes a variety of shifts, spikes, and drops in hormones as well as changes in the Ph balance of the vagina)

menopause/perimenopause (lowered estrogen levels are often experienced during this time which affect lubrication)

health issues (diabetes, hypertension, polycystic ovarian syndrome, heart and kidney disorders, among others)

undergoing chemotherapy (dryness throughout the body is a common side effect)

skin irritations/allergic reactions (soaps, dyes, laundry detergents and dryer sheets, body washes, perfumes, etc. can have an irritating and drying effect on the skin/genitals which could affect natural lubrication)

pregnancy, having recently given birth, breastfeeding (shifts in estrogen/progesterone levels, possible lack of genital sensitivity requiring, tenderness due to childbirth, lowered estrogen during to lactation/breastfeeding can all have a negative impact on vaginal lubrication)

douching (disturbs the normal chemical balance of the vagina, often leading to irritation and vaginal dryness)

alcohol abuse/alcohol use (alcohol has a dehydrating affect on the body which could lead to vaginal dryness, it also acts as a depressant on the nervous system affecting sexual arousal and orgasm)

past traumatic experiences and negative emotions (guilt, stress, anxiety, fear, etc which cause a lack of arousal)

smoking cigarettes (cigarettes can affect circulation and destroy estrogen which can affect arousal and vaginal lubrication)

As you can clearly see, there are many reasons a person may not become lubricated enough for comfortable intercourse. To imply that it simply comes down to a lack of foreplay, without acknowledging other causes, is an uninformed thing to suggest. To then take it one level further and also state that a person should “never need lube in their life” is just ignorant, rude, and insensitive. Ronda, you can do better.

Dear Ronda Rousey, Just Say Yes To Lube!

Look, I get it, when a person reaches the point of popularity that Ronda Rousey has, the general public starts thinking that because they are experts on one thing (in her case, fighting), they must be experts on a variety of topics… and when they’re then made into sex symbols by the media, that usually comes with the added bonus that they’re assumed to be highly educated on all things sex. Before long they’re touting sex advice on widely read publications, and praised for it, even when the advice they’re offering could be detrimental to someones health, sense of self, or relationship.

Everything considered, I can’t help but sympathize with the readers who will take her words at face value, apply the suggestions she made, find they’ve had no difference (because she didn’t properly educate them), and feel bad about themselves, their partners, and the sex they’re having. Especially when all it might have taken is a bottle of good lube to help things along.

Like I said in the start of this post, I appreciate what she was trying to do with her answer, but I think she needs to take a step back, get some insight on how the body works and until she’s learned better, leave sex ed to those who know what they’re actually talking about.

Investing a bottle of good lube probably wouldn’t hurt her either. #dontknockittilyouvetriedit

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First Time Sex Tips For Females: Everything You Need To Know and More!

In the first post in my ‘first time sex’ series I touched on the basics including the decision about what type of contraception you’ll be using, getting products like lubricant to help make the experience more pleasurable, the motivation behind the choice to be sexually active, and making sure to have a person you can speak with, both before and after, who might be able to help and offer guidance should you need it.

The second post focused on all the tips, suggestions and information I thought most cis males would need to know, or at least want to know, to help make the experience an enjoyable one for both them and their partner(s).

For those of you jumping into the series, I highly suggest you go back and read the first article as it will set the tone and possibly give you the insight you need to decide if having sex is something you’re really ready for.

tip: even if you identify as being a cis female I suggest you read the post directed at cis males as it can help give you some valuable insight to what most go through and possibly even help you relay information to others.

As for this article, I’m going to be covering tips, suggestions and first time sex tips I think everyone with a vagina should know before engaging in sexual activity, hopefully making the experience the best it can be for everyone.

Safety First

As someone with a vagina, there are two types of protection you need to worry about; contraception (or protecting against an unplanned pregnancy) and STD/STI protection. While most think that anything you use offers the dual protection needed, it sadly isn’t the case. With this in mind, I’m going to offer some tips and suggestions to help you find and choose a method that works for you, while also offering some tips to help ensure its effectiveness.

Contraception

Choosing a method of contraception can be a rather daunting one, especially with all the options on the market. Now add that to the fact that some products like the diaphragm require a “fitting”, others like the pill require a prescription and others still require insertion/placement by a doctor (IUD) and you’ve got a handful of issues to deal with. Unfortunately the situation can often be overwhelming and scary, I know, I’ve been there.

The best suggestion I can give is to talk to someone you trust or do an online search (Scarleteen, Sexualityandu.ca and Sexetc have some great info) to find a method that you think would work for you. Once you’ve learned all that you can about the product(s), schedule a visit with your doctor or local hassle free clinic to speak about your options.

In most cases your doctor will go over all the dangers, possible side effects (if there are any) and benefits that you need to know before making a decision. While you can always change your mind and switch products should you decide to later, make sure to take the opportunity to ask any questions you may have before deciding as it’s the best way to avoid any delays in intimacy with your partner, something that’s often suggested when switching.

tip: if you’re switching from a product like the diaphragm to the pill it’s suggested that use another method of protection (like the condom or female condom) to allow the product to fully take effect. You’re doctor will be able to tell you how long you should expect to wait.

Ensure Effectiveness

Whether it’s the pill, diaphragm, female condom, IUD, shot (depovera), patch, sponge or male condom, putting the method into practice is of utmost importance. I say this because most don’t take the necessary steps to ensure proper application, an issue that plays a large role in the effectiveness and guarantee of positive results.

If you’re going to be using a product that’s meant to be inserted like the internal/female condom, diaphragm or sponge (others listed here) I suggest taking the time to practice getting it into place before you use it for intercourse. Doing so will likely help make the situation faster, easier, less confusing and definitely more comfortable. Let’s be real, there’s nothing worse then hearing your partner knock on the bathroom door and anxiously ask “are you okay in there?” while you’re fumbling to learn how to put in your diaphragm. #true story

If condoms are more your thing, it would be a good idea to practice applying them on a brush handle, banana, cucumber, or other phallic shaped object so that you’ll know how to do it right, and more importantly, know enough to notice if your partner is doing it wrong. If your partner is unsure about what condoms are best, I created a condom size chart which might prove helpful.

If you’re going to be using products like the pill or patch, which work by affecting your hormones, I suggest finding out how long it takes for them to be active and giving them the necessary time to set in. I also suggest you get in the habit of taking them everyday at the same time (in the case of the pill), a practice that will go a long way for ensuring effectiveness.

tip: because some antibiotics and medications can cancel out the pill, I suggest you talk to your doctor and ask any questions you may have to ensure that this doesn’t happen while you’re engaging in intercourse.

STD/STI Protection

Unfortunately condoms, the female condom and dental dam (the latter being something used for oral intimacy rather than intercourse) are the only products currently on the market offering dual protection against STD/STI’s and unplanned pregnancies. If you are going to be using a method of protection that is strictly for contraception (listed above) I highly suggest you also get in the practice of STD/STI protection, as it’s something that could very likely save your life, if not save you the headache of an unwanted STD/STI.

On that note, I don’t agree that males should be responsible for the condoms and females responsible for the contraception. In fact, I think it’s a very good idea for everyone to get into the habit of carrying condoms at all times, especially considering that you never know when the heat of the moment may strike. Better safe then sorry right?

Tips & Suggestions

Some of the most common worries I hear from females are that they’ll be “too loose”, “too tight”, that they might bleed, they don’t know what to do (“am I just supposed to lay there?”), that they’ll do it “wrong” and finally that it will hurt. If you can relate to any of the above, don’t worry, you’re not alone.

In an attempt to help, I’ve listed some tips/suggestions that I hope will build your level of confidence and give you some insight regarding what to expect your first time around.

Getting Ready

No matter if you’re female, male or transgendered, I highly suggest learning to masturbate before sexual activity. While this may seem like an attempt to keep you from having sex, nothing could be farther from the truth. To me, the act can play a vital role in preparing you for your first sexual experience; it’ll help you to learn about your likes and dislikes, get you in touch with your body, help you discover parts you didn’t know existed, and give you the upper hand when it comes to relaying everything you’ve learned to your partner. If there is one thing I can’t stress enough it’s that communication and preparation is key to a good sexual experience – especially for the first time, but I’ll get to that in a bit.

First Time Sex Tips For Girls: Everything You Need To Know And More!

Relax

I put this on the top of the list for the boys, though I think it’s probably one of the most important for everyone – as simple as it may sound, being relaxed is probably one of the best pieces of advice I can give. When you’re relaxed your heart rate is lower, stress levels decrease, your mind becomes still, you have a better chance of becoming aroused and any anxiety you may be feeling will drift away. Sure, it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal but maintaining a sense of calm will go a long way for helping to relax the vaginal muscles and make the experience a tad less painful.

My suggestion: When trying to stay relaxed you may think of the old standby techniques like breathing, maintaining a sense of calm and going with the flow will have the best effect, and to a certain extent, you’re right. However, I personally think being prepared in every aspect will make the biggest difference when it comes to the big day/night or otherwise. If you know how to use your chosen method of protection, what your likes and dislikes are, what type of stimulation both you and your partner prefer, what type of lube you’ll be using and have talked about all your fears or anxieties with someone you trust, that will go a long way for helping you stay calm in the heat of the moment as you’ll already know what to expect and not be caught off guard.

Loosen/Tighten Up

One of the most commonly asked questions (and biggest worries) I get from females is that they’ll be “too tight” or “too loose” for their first time. While it is an issue that’s often blown out of proportion and something most myths are made of, you can have a small degree of control over the way your vagina functions when it comes to being “loose” or “tight”.

The vagina is a pretty amazing thing; when aroused it has the ability to “tent” where the vaginal canal, usually only 3-4 inches deep, swells and pulls back, expanding to 5-7 inches, allowing a larger object to enter. It’s this “tenting” that will often create a “looser” feeling. For those of you that think it’s a bad thing, keep in mind that it usually only happens when a female is aroused, pointing to the fact that you’re likely doing something right. In regard to “tightening”, since the walls are lined with muscle, the vaginal canal has the ability to tense and contract (something you can learn to do) making it feel tighter around your partner’s member. If you’d like more information on myths and misconceptions associated with being “loose” or “tight”, I suggest you read this article on the subject.

My Suggestion: If your concern is that you’ll be “too tight”, I suggest purchasing a small dildo or vibrator (it doesn’t have to be expensive) to help you “loosen” up. While the process isn’t one that will leave lasting permanent results (meaning you won’t have a gaping hole after putting something in your vag) it will go a long way for helping you get used to the feeling of having something inside, as well as deriving pleasure from a foreign object. If your concern is that you’ll be “too loose”, I suggest learning to flex and contract your PC muscles, as that is what you’ll be using to “tighten” around your partner during intercourse.

tip: learning to tighten your PC muscles is actually very easy: the next time you urinate break the flow of your pee for intervals of 3 seconds at a time (i.e pee for 3 seconds, hold for 3 seconds etc). Pay attention to the way it feels and mimic that sensation any time you can. You can do it when in line at the bank, grocery shopping, watching t.v. or writing in your journal. The best thing about it, no one knows you’re doing it.

Painless Pleasure

Unfortunately there is no hard or fast rule, suggestion or advice to guarantee that the experience will be painless. Sure there are lots of things you can do to help, but the amount of pain you experience will depend on many factors; your level of relaxation, arousal, personal lubrication (or use of purchased lube), body compatibility (his penis is very large, your vagina is very “small”) and open communication being some of them.

My Suggestion: The advice I have to offer here is twofold;

1.) As I stated earlier, do your best to relax. Just like every other muscle in your body, when you’re tense, scared or afraid in the moment your vaginal muscles will likewise tense, possibly making insertion a little harder then previously thought. While relaxing is much easier said then done, little things like lighting candles, playing music, spending lots of time on foreplay and learning to trust your partner can go a long way to creating an environment where you feel safe, secure, able to let go and relax.

2.) One of the main issues I find people tend to overlook is the role being “wet” plays in great sex; if you’re not aroused enough your body most likely wont naturally provide the amount of personal lubricant needed to make insertion of the penis “easy”, if not easier. This is where the application of a good lube comes in. That said, I highly suggest you invest in a body safe lube that’s low in glycerin. It doesn’t have to be expensive and it doesn’t have to be silicone. In fact, a good water based lube like the ones System Jo (from $6.75) or Sliquid (from $8.48) make, will usually do. Apply a little to both you and your partner before intercourse to ensure there is less friction, i.e. pain.

Bleeding

There’s no other way I can put this then to say, some people will bleed and some wont. It doesn’t happen to everyone, and it doesn’t happen all the time. For some the blood may be a little heavy like a light period, for others it might be just a drop. Either way it’s “normal”, natural and nothing to be ashamed of. While we’re on the subject, for those that don’t know much about the hymen, I suggest you watch this video to give you a better understanding of why some people might bleed.

My Suggestion: Although I can’t offer any suggestions to stop you from bleeding, I can offer some that might help make the experience a little less mortifying. First, place a dark colored towel beneath you, not only will it possibly soak up the blood but it will also keep it from staining your sheets and mattress. Unless you’re in it, having sex in a bed you’ve just bled in can be slightly frightening for some first timers. Second, go slow. While this might not play a huge role in how much (or even if you do) bleed, it can go a long way for decreasing friction and/or tearing of the hymen, something that is most definitely a contributing factor. Finally, if it hurts don’t be afraid to tell your partner, you’re more than allowed. The same thing goes if it’s too fast, slow, deep, hard, soft, shallow, or otherwise – speak your mind and don’t shy away. This is something you will most likely remember for the rest of your life, take every step you can to make it a great one.

Being A Great Lover

Very often I’m sent messages from scared and nervous viewers, just about to embark on their first time, asking what it is they are supposed to do. Like the majority of advice I’ve given in this post, there’s no specific answer – the best I can give is to do whatever you need to do to make sure you enjoy it. In short, be selfish! Sure it may sound bad, but very often someone is left disappointed and orgasmless, wondering “is that what it’s all about?”.

My Suggestion: Whether it’s grinding your clit against your partners pubic bone (not penis), riding hard and rough or soft and gentle, playing with your clitoris while their inside you, using a toy to help speed along the orgasm, or simply trying different positions until you find one you like, do everything and anything you want. I mean that. Don’t be afraid or embarrassed by your actions. Your orgasm and enjoyment are your responsibility, not theirs.

Last but not least, be gentle with yourself. Don’t take it too seriously and remember it’s your first time, not you’re hundredth. Just like riding a bike, learning to roller blade or playing a sport, being “good in bed” is something that comes with time, experience, learning, being open to change and willing to explore your opportunities. It’s also something that’s going to change with each different partner, when it comes to sex, nothing is a surefire guarantee.

Final Thoughts

It’s safe to say that your first time will most likely be scary, overwhelming, nerve wracking, exciting, intense, thrilling, and memorable. And although I’d like to tell you otherwise, no matter how “perfect” you try to make it, I can almost guarantee something will go wrong. The more you expect that, the more able you’ll be in the moment to let it go, move on, and not let it effect things.

Will you’re first time be what you expected? not entirely, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a good time.

Will it be fantastic? Hopefully, though it seems first times rarely are.

Will it be something you always remember? I’d think so, which is why I suggest doing everything in your power to make it a good one.

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Sex Ed 102: Erection Problems, Tips, Suggestions, & How To Help

Sex Ed 102: Erection Issues, Tips, Suggestions, & How To Help

Viewer Mail:

I’ve just recently found your videos and I’m hooked! You’re adorable and so fun to watch. But anyway, I was hoping you could help me out with a problem I’m having.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over two months now. And in those two months we’ve done pretty much everything but intercourse. Keep in mind we’re both virgins. Today we both decided to take the next step and have sex. Well that did not work out at all.

Penis erect, condom on, attempt to insert… and fail.
It just would not go in. And then… erection gone.

I knew I’d be tight so we even agreed that he would kind of prep me with one finger… then two. But even just two fingers is tight. He WAS having a problem keeping it up (not the norm for him). Maybe nerves? So it maybe could have been hard but not hard enough? Could the addition of lube helped at all?

Any advice would be great.

Thanks

Answer:

First of all thanks for watching my videos!

As for the questions, what you went through is completely normal. I hear it all the time so don’t be too worried.

For your part, the fingering was a very good idea and usually helps. It may have been that you were nervous and tensed up when he went to insert his penis, causing you to “tighten” up. It could also be that you weren’t “wet” enough for an “easy” insertion. Next time you may want to do what you did previously with the fingering, add some lube and try to relax. Don’t let this be something that makes you nervous or scared, instead make it something that is enjoyable and exciting.

As for his part, he was probably very nervous about “failing” you. There seems to be a huge difference when it comes to males and females and sexually pleasing their partners. Women aren’t expected to do very much, or so it seems, however there is a lot of pressure placed on males to “perform” and have their partner orgasm. (By the way, if you don’t have an orgasm during intercourse it’s completely normal, that may just come in time). For him this was/is going to be a defining moment of his “manhood”, and there is a lot to go wrong.

He could go soft
He could orgasm too soon
He could go on for too long
He could be too big and it could hurt you
He could be too small and not enough to please you
He could get it in but then not know what to do with it
Not to mention the list of other fears/doubts/anxiety that go through a males head.

When it comes to sex, especially first time sex, there is so much to think about. The best advice I can give is to be supportive and let him know that it’s okay no matter what happens and that when it’s meant to happen it will. Let him know that if he goes soft it’s normal, especially for the first time, and that you don’t judge him for it.

I know in the video I said not to do this, but if he does go soft and he’s okay with seeing if it’ll help, you can always do other things to help him regain his erection like give him oral sex or manual stimulation (hand job). Or if he’s willing to wait it out, you can have him stimulate you until he is ready again.

If you’d like a better understanding of what’s going on, and possibly some products that might be helpful, I suggest giving these articles a read:

I really hope that helps in some way and I’m sorry that this was your first experience. It will get better with time, patience, and practice.

Kara_Sutra

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Sex Ed 102 Beginners Guide: Butt Friendly Sex Toys

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Sex Ed 102: Beginners Guide To Butt Sex Toys

Just like every other sex toy on the market, butt toys come in a wide variety of colours, shapes, sizes and materials, each designed to offer a specific kind of sensation. Some target the p-spot (prostate), others provide a feeling of fullness, some allow you to become comfortable with the idea of having something in your butt, while others penetrate deeply for a fuller feeling, some vibrate for a heightened sense of arousal, while others simply let you safely explore anal play.

Regardless of what you’re into, there is something to suit your needs, it’s just a matter of finding one that works with you and your body.

Tips & Suggestions

Since there’s a lot of false information and toxic myths when it comes to butt play, products designed for anal stimulation, and our butts in general, I thought I’d fill you in on some general information and offer a few tips & tricks just to make sure you’re fully in the know before engaging.

Desensitizing products are a no-no; although some may feel using numbing agents is a good idea, I suggest you don’t; not only do they limit the amount of control you have, they could be dangerous as you probably won’t feel any pain and therefor not know when you’re going too far too fast. Instead, you may want to consider an anal spray that relaxes the area rather than numbing it.

Always use a product with a flared base; this is important as it will stop the product from being pulled inside, potentially saving you a trip to the doctors office. If you’re using beads, make sure to count them after. Yes, they have popped off and been lost in people before.

Choose a good quality lube; no matter what type you choose I highly suggest the use of a thick lubricant that’s very slippery and maintains its consistency. Otherwise, you’ll likely find yourself constantly have to stop to reapply. I find silicone lubricants work best (unless you’re using a silicone product, then I’d suggest something else like a good water based lube).

No rough stuff; be sure that anything you insert is smooth and free of any jagged edges, points, or ridges, as the internal lining of the rectum/anus could be torn or scratched, potentially leading to infection.

Never go from back to front; although you can go from vagina to anus, I highly suggest you refrain from going anus to vagina. That’s just asking for trouble. If you’re going to be sharing with a partner, I’d advise either using a condom (and changing it between partners) or thoroughly cleaning it between uses.

Cleanliness is next to Godliness; on that note, because the anus can harbor bacteria it is always advised that you fully clean each and every product after use (that goes for everything, not just butt toys).

Pick a body safe material; finally, when shopping for a butt toy make sure to choose one crated out of a non-porous material like glass, steel, high quality silicone, sealed wood or aluminum as they won’t absorb bodily fluids, lube or bacteria like a cheap jelly or rubber toy would.

*Wanna play but not sure how to do it safely or where to begin? Check out my Beginners Guide To Butt Play as it should answer any of the questions you have.

Butt Toy Breakdown

Because there are so many different butt toys on the market, some that often beget a ‘wtf is that for?’, I figured I’d explain what the most common products are and what they’re used for.

Butt Plugs

Butt plugs are designed to be inserted into the anus and held securely in place by the sphincter muscles. These muscles naturally contract and relax around the stem and base of the plug, creating the sensation of being “plugged up” or gently filled.

Once inserted, the plug stays in position, providing a pleasurable feeling of fullness or pressure, which can be stimulating for many people. This stationary aspect makes butt plugs distinct from other anal toys, as they are meant to remain in place rather than being moved in and out.

Because many plugs come in smaller sizes, they are particularly well-suited for beginners who may feel intimidated or nervous about anal play. The smaller, tapered designs make the insertion process easier and less overwhelming, allowing users to ease into the experience.

Additionally, high-quality plugs are crafted from smooth, body-safe materials like silicone, which ensures comfort and reduces the risk of discomfort or injury.

Whether used for solo exploration or during partnered play, basic butt plugs offer a simple yet effective way to explore anal sensations in a controlled and safe manner.

*the Tantus Ryder (pictured left) is a good example of a body safe butt plug. Some other great plugs include the Vixen Creations Buddy, any of the Crystal Delights Plugs (comes with a genuine Swarovski Crystal in the base), any of the Njoy Pure Plugs, the newer Tantus Juice, Twist or Neo, or the ones Blush, Aneros, or Good Vibes make.

Anal Probes

While the name may sound somewhat scary (thanks to the association with ‘alien probing’), anal probes tend to be surprisingly pleasurable. Unlike plugs, which tend to be rather small, rounded, and compact by comparison, probes usually describe any type of longer sized intimate accessory that offers deeper anal penetration.

They’re typically slender, smooth, and come in various sizes to accommodate different levels of experience and comfort, the Mason Vibrating Silicone Anal Probe pictured right is a good example of a body safe probe.

Like other sex toys, they can be used during solo or partnered play and can enhance sexual experiences by stimulating sensitive nerve endings in the anus. Some anal probes feature additional functionalities like vibrations or remote controls for more intense sensations.

As with any sex toy, it is important to use plenty of good quality lubricant, choose body-safe materials (such as silicone, tempered glass, ceramic, or stainless steel), and clean the probe thoroughly after each use to ensure hygiene and safety. Proper relaxation and communication with a partner are key to making anal play with probes enjoyable and comfortable.

Some other great probes include the Tantus Ripple, Quaker Silicone Anal Vibe by VeDO, Rechargeable High Intensity Anal Probe, Cheeky X-5 Beads Silicone Anal Probe, or the Boundless 6 Inch Ridged Probe.

Anal Beads

Because stimulation of the anus and surrounding areas can offer a surprising amount of pleasure, many people have shed their inhibitions and begun to explore anal play with products like anal beads.

As the name would suggest, anal beads consist of multiple balls or spheres of similar or varying sizes, which are inserted anally and removed at varying speeds during orgasm (the pleasurable feeling of having them pass through the narrow sphincter can help to enhance the experience).

Unfortunately not all beads are created equally, especially when it comes to body safe materials and overall design. Things you’ll want to consider when choosing.

Always look for silicone or non-porous material for both the beads and the ‘cord’ to which they’re attached. Nylon, lycra and other fabric materials are all porous and therefore cannot be fully sterilized. Moreover, while it doesn’t happen very often (think rarely), there is the off chance that the cord can rip or come apart during use, leaving the beads inside your butt. Again, this is a rare occasion, but something to be aware of.

You’ll also want to find beads that are fixed in place, meaning they don’t move up or down the ‘cord.’ This design allows for more control and predictability during use, which can be especially important for beginners. Fixed beads ensure that the sensation remains consistent as you insert or remove them, reducing the likelihood of discomfort or unexpected movement.

When using anal beads, it’s crucial to take your time, apply plenty of water-based lubricant, and always ensure there is a flared base or handle to prevent the toy from slipping inside the body. Safe use and proper care will enhance the experience while minimizing any potential risks

Absolutely no seams or sharp edges should be present, as these can cause irritation, discomfort, or even injury during insertion and removal. Always check the toy carefully to ensure it’s made from high-quality, body-safe materials that are smooth and gentle on the skin.

The Sweet Treat Silicone Anal Beads By Evolved Novelties (pictured above right) are a good example of body safe anal beads. Some other great probes include the Graduated Anal Beads, Vibrating Progressive Beads, Anal Adventures Platinum Large Silicone Anal Beads.

Prostate Stimulator/Massagers

The prostate, often referred to as the “P-spot,” is located a few inches inside the anal canal and is a key component of the male reproductive system, responsible for producing fluid that nourishes and protects sperm. This gland is surrounded by a network of nerves that also play a crucial role in controlling erections, making the prostate highly sensitive to stimulation. Those born with female bodies don’t have one.

Many people with prostates have found that applying pressure or massaging this area can produce intensely pleasurable sensations, often leading to enhanced sexual experiences or even prostate orgasms. Prostate massage can intensify sexual pleasure by combining internal stimulation with external sensations, such as stroking the penis or perineum.

To meet this demand, there are numerous sex toys specifically designed to target and stimulate the P-spot. These toys often feature curved designs that allow for precise pressure on the prostate, sometimes with added vibrations to heighten the experience.

Whether you’re seeking new avenues for sexual pleasure or exploring prostate health benefits (as regular massage is said to promote prostate well-being), prostate massagers can be a great addition to anal play stimulation.

For some it’s the sensation of ‘fullness’ that brings pleasure, for others it’s stimulation of specific areas like the ‘p-spot’ that do it, regardless of your specific likes or dislikes, so long as you’re being safe and using a product specifically designed for anal play I say embrace it and enjoy it!

Final Thoughts

Butt toys, including plugs, beads, and prostate massagers, offer a variety of ways to explore and enhance pleasure through anal stimulation. From the beginner-friendly, smaller-sized plugs to more advanced toys with vibrating features or targeted P-spot stimulation, these toys can provide a range of sensation; whether it’s the feeling of fullness, pressure, or the deeply pleasurable effects of prostate massage.

When used correctly and with the right mindset, they can significantly enhance solo play or partner experiences. The key is to start slow, use plenty of lubricant, and choose toys that are designed with safety and comfort in mind, such as those made from body-safe materials and with a flared base.

As with any sexual exploration, communication, patience, and respect for personal limits are essential for a positive experience. Butt toys can add a whole new dimension to intimacy and pleasure, and with the right preparation, can be a safe and enjoyable part of your sexual routine.

Always prioritize hygiene and safety, and don’t be afraid to experiment within your comfort zone, whether you’re new to anal play or a seasoned explorer. With the right toy, you can discover new levels of satisfaction and fulfillment.

Curious about the butt toys I’ve reviewed? Head over to my butt toy review page for all the ass stuffin’ goodness!

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Sex Ed 102: The Male Sexual Response Cycle

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Today’s video is going to cover the Male Sexual Response Cycle and all of the phases a cis male goes through from arousal to after the orgasm. For those that haven’t seen it, I created a previous post on the Female Sexual Response Cycle to help educate about what happens for cis females and the way the body reacts when they go through the phases. If you haven’t seen it yet, I suggest you check it out.

Understanding the Male Sexual Response Cycle

The male sexual response cycle is a series of physical and emotional changes that occur in response to sexual stimulation. Understanding this cycle can help individuals and couples enhance their sexual experiences by recognizing how the body reacts and knowing what to expect during each phase. The male sexual response cycle is typically broken down into four phases: excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution. Each phase has its own unique characteristics, all contributing to sexual pleasure and satisfaction. Here’s a breakdown of the male sexual response cycle and how it works.

1. Excitement Phase

The excitement phase is the first stage of the male sexual response cycle and begins with physical or psychological sexual arousal. This phase can be triggered by various stimuli, including physical touch, erotic thoughts, or visual cues. During this stage, blood flow to the penis increases, causing an erection. The heart rate quickens, breathing becomes deeper, and muscle tension starts to build. Additionally, the skin may become more sensitive, and the testicles may begin to elevate as the body prepares for potential orgasm. This phase can last anywhere from a few minutes to several hours, depending on the level of stimulation and individual arousal.

2. Plateau Phase

Following the excitement phase is the plateau phase, where arousal intensifies and the body prepares for orgasm. The erection becomes firmer, and the head of the penis (glans) may become more swollen and sensitive. Muscle tension continues to increase, and the testicles draw closer to the body. During this phase, pre-ejaculate may be released, which serves as a natural lubricant and may contain sperm. Breathing becomes faster and shallower, and the heart rate continues to rise. The plateau phase is often the most prolonged phase of the cycle, allowing the individual to build up to the climax.

3. Orgasm Phase

The orgasm phase is the peak of sexual pleasure and the shortest phase of the sexual response cycle. It involves a series of involuntary muscle contractions that result in the release of sexual tension built up during the excitement and plateau phases. For men, orgasm is usually (though not always), accompanied by ejaculation, where semen is expelled from the penis. This process occurs in two stages: first, seminal fluid gathers in the urethral bulb, and second, contractions of the pelvic muscles force the fluid out of the penis. This phase is typically marked by intense pleasure and physical release, though the sensation may vary in intensity depending on the individual and circumstances.

4. Resolution Phase

After orgasm, the body enters the resolution phase, during which it gradually returns to its pre-arousal state. The erection subsides as blood flow decreases, heart rate slows, and muscle tension eases. Unlike a female, who can be responsive to stimulation after orgasm and even have multiple orgasms, men typically go through a period of unresponsiveness or a refractory period. During this phase, they are unable to achieve another erection or orgasm. The duration of the refractory period varies greatly between individuals and can range from a few minutes to several hours, and it be affected by age, mental health issues, or overall physical well-being. This phase is typically characterized by a feeling of relaxation, satisfaction, or sometimes fatigue as the body recovers from sexual activity.

Final Thoughts

The male sexual response cycle is a natural process that involves distinct phases, each contributing to the overall experience of sexual pleasure. From the initial excitement to the final resolution, understanding how the body reacts during these stages can lead to more fulfilling sexual experiences, both individually and with a partner. Recognizing the different phases and being in tune with physical and emotional responses can also improve communication and intimacy in relationships, helping both partners better meet each other’s needs. While the cycle may vary from person to person, the general pattern of excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution forms the foundation of male sexual arousal and response.

That in mind, I highly suggest that you take the time to learn about your body, either during masturbation or intercourse and see if you can identify the phases as you are going through them, which will in turn help you to become a better lover.

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