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Sex: Getting Ready For Your First Time

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Sex Ed 102: Getting Ready For Your First Time

Contrary to what most movies depict, first times are rarely what we expect.

There aren’t rose petals or candles casting a glow. There’s no moment of tender, all encompassing bliss or the crooning voice of our favorite music artist in the background. Rather than a bed, many first timers find themselves in the back of a car, couch, or even in a park, as the thought of holding out for a time when the parents are out is just too bothersome, or too long of a wait.

On top of that (and based on the messages I’ve received) the majority of writers found their “first time” to be clumsy, anxiety ridden, overwhelming, scary, ill planned, uncomfortable and confusing (or any mix of the above), even when it was a good one.

It’s because of this that I thought I’d write a series of posts on the subject of first times, all with the hope that I’d be able to transform what was once a scary and overwhelming experience, to one that’s a bit better planned, a little more fun, definitely more comfortable, and a lot more enjoyable.

Unlike a lot of my other written articles that are completed in one go, my first time sex tips have been split into separate entries:

Tips and suggestions for cis men, tips and suggestions for cis females, basic suggestions to help make the experience not so painful or scary, and products you’ll want to keep on hand.

When it comes to having sex the first time there are a few things I highly suggest you take into consideration before deciding to act on the impulse;

What’s Your Motivation?

The first thing you might want to think about is the personal motivation you have behind your choice in actions. While I’m not here to judge, I am here to remind you that intercourse, intimacy, and any form of sexual relations can and do often have emotional, mental, physical and spiritual after effects. For some the after effects will be wonderful, comfortable, confidence boosting and/or blissful, for others it may be a period of guilt, regret, disappointment or anger (all of which are “normal”).

That said, if the reasoning behind losing your “virginity” is one that’s due to peer pressure, societal factors or doing it “for the sake of it”, I suggest you take a moment to rethink your motivation and make sure it’s something you can live with after. Like I said, I’m not here to judge, I just don’t want you doing something you’ll live to regret or beat yourself up for.

Choices, Choices…

The second thing I highly suggest you think about is the method(s) of protection you’ll be using;

*For hetero sex, what type of Contraception/STD protection will you be using?

*For same sex relations what type of STD protection will you be using?

On that note, while I understand where people are coming from with the belief that the female should have to deal with the pill (or other methods) and the male should be the one responsible for getting the condoms, I’m not someone who shares that belief.

In my opinion, each one of us owes it to ourselves to take responsibility for our bodies and our own personal well being. If you want to stay STD free and you want to avoid the chances of an unplanned pregnancy, come prepared.

For the ladies that means getting your hands on condoms, should that be your choice of protection (or even just your back up). For males that means discussing all of the options open to the female (if it’s hetero sex) and if you’re in a relationship, making sure she’s taking them on time or applying them as directed.

I’m sure most of you would think this is common sense but all too often I hear about “scares” that happened all because someone relied on someone else, only to realize after, that they were the person who should have taken responsibility of things for themselves. Don’t leave your safety in someone’s hands, 7 times out of 10 they’ll fail you.

Contraception: Practice Makes Perfect

Since the #1 complaint I hear regarding condoms is that they ‘spoil the mood‘ I think it’s very important to practice putting them on properly (and taking them off properly) as it’ll help to make the moment move a lot smoother and quicker.

When it comes to practicing I think the best advice is to go with the flow; if you masturbate use that time to practice putting on a condom, masturbate with it on (which will get you used to the sensation) and then take it off following the directions on the box (using toys to experiment with while you wear a condom is also a good idea).

While it might be a bit of a pain in the ass, and maybe a mood kill, when it comes to the actual moment all the planning and prepping will go a long way in saving you from embarrassment or potentially doing it wrong.

For those that choose to use a diaphragm, female condom or any other barrier method of protection I also suggest you take the necessary time, before being sexually active, to learn and practice putting the product in place, as well as safely removing it.

If you choose to use a hormonal method of protection, I suggest you speak with your doctor about how long it takes to become fully effective since the time on them varies. The last thing you need is to start taking a product and become sexually active because you think you’re protected, only to realize you weren’t.

Speak Up

I realize that for a lot of people the topic of sex and sexuality are still touchy subjects, even with that in mind I think it’s important to have someone to talk to after. Whether it’s a friend you trust, a teacher, parent, doctor, guardian, mentor, coach or other relative, having a person who’s willing to listen and help can make a world of difference – especially if something goes wrong or you’re dealing with negative emotions like guilt.

Get Tested

Finally, if you’ve had unprotected sexual interactions with another person, whether it be oral, anal or otherwise I suggest you get tested for STI’s/STD’s just to be on the safe side. While the majority of them require the transmission of bodily fluids to be transferred, it doesn’t mean that there aren’t others that need skin to skin contact to cause an
infection.

I realize that for most of you the thought of going to get STD tested can raise a mountain of fears and anxiety, making the suggestion easier said then done. That said, if there is one thing I want to make very clear it’s that the process it self is very easy; all you need to do is to visit a local STD testing lab, hassle free clinic, or talk to your doctor. If you’re in a real hurry sometimes you can even call ahead for setting up an appointment the same day.

In most cases testing sites are conveniently located throughout the country and are staffed by caring and highly trained individuals. While you’re there they will perform the tests as well as answer any questions you may have about your risk, possible diagnoses, or the testing process. Then, within three days (sometimes shorter, sometimes longer) you’ll be able to get the results of your STD test. These results are most often delivered by a counselor who can assist you in dealing with emotional and practical considerations if a test comes back positive.

For those of you that just can’t bring yourself to visit a clinic or talk to a doctor there are other options available like online sites that send out STD Testing Kits allowing you to do the test in the comfort of your own home. Once you receive the test kit, follow the simple instructions then mail it back to the lab and you can receive your results online within 1-3 business days. After that you have the option of calling and setting up an appointment to speak with someone should you need to, or you can go to your own doctor and speak with him or her instead.

Final Thoughts

Sex can be a wonderful experience that allows us to bond, explore, ignite and surrender to a person in ways nothing else can. It can also be the cause of heartache, regret, disappointment and life altering choices that leave us questioning why we did it in the first place.

For those of you that are just happening to come to this stage of exploration, whether it be by yourself or with a partner, I hope this series of blogs can help you shape and create your moments to be closer to the former, rather then that latter.

If you have any questions or concerns please feel free to go through Sex Ed 102 videos or the Sex Ed 102 website first, as more often then not your answer will be found there. Still feeling lost? No worries, head over to my contact page and send in your question. If it’s one I get often enough, or one that I think would really benefit others, I just might include it in my Sex Ed 102 Q & A (don’t worry, I never identify who sent the question in).

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Sex Ed 102: Redefining Virginity

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Over the last 2 years I’ve spent much time debating whether or not to make this video and/or create this post. Virginity, and the term itself, are hard to define in today’s society. As such, I thought that I would instead make a video that opened the doors of communication to help you define for yourself what being a virgin and virginity are. More than that, I thought it might also be a good opportunity to help change the narrative around the subject, hopefully removing judgment, criticism, and shame in the process.

Understanding Virginity: Definition, History, and Modern Perspectives

Virginity is a concept that has been culturally, socially, and religiously significant for centuries, but its definition and meaning have evolved over time. Traditionally, virginity has been defined as the state of a person, usually a cis woman, who has not engaged in sexual intercourse. However, in today’s society, the notion of virginity has become more complex and nuanced. As discussions around gender, sexuality, and personal autonomy expand, so too does the understanding of what it means to be a “virgin.”

What is Virginity?

Traditionally, virginity is defined as the state of never having engaged in sexual intercourse, specifically penetrative sex. For centuries, this definition focused largely on cis women, and in many cultures, virginity was tied to a woman’s purity, moral standing, and even her marital prospects. In these contexts, virginity was often seen as something to be “lost” or “given” to someone, typically a spouse, reinforcing the idea that sexual experience had social, moral, or religious implications.

However, this narrow definition fails to account for the diverse ways people experience sexuality today. In modern society, the understanding of sex and virginity has broadened to include various forms of sexual expression, relationships, and individual identities. For some, the definition of virginity is no longer confined to penetrative intercourse, as oral sex, anal sex, or other intimate acts can be just as significant in terms of personal experiences. Additionally, the term is increasingly being seen as a social construct rather than an inherent biological state.

Historical Significance of Virginity

Historically, virginity has held immense significance, particularly for women. In many ancient and religious societies, a woman’s virginity was a measure of her value, morality, and worth. For instance, in many religious texts and cultural traditions, women were expected to remain virgins until marriage, and this “purity” was often linked to family honour and social status. Virginity was also deeply tied to patriarchal structures, where a woman’s body and sexuality were often controlled or regulated by men, whether by fathers, husbands, or religious authorities.

The concept of the hymen – a thin membrane that can partially cover the vaginal opening – became symbolically associated with virginity, despite the fact that it does not always provide an accurate indicator of sexual activity. Many cultures developed rituals or practices to “prove” virginity before marriage, such as the infamous “virginity tests.” These customs reflect how closely linked virginity was to societal expectations and gender roles, particularly for women.

For men, virginity historically carried less social weight. In patriarchal societies, male sexual experience was often celebrated or considered a rite of passage, while female virginity was strictly monitored and enforced. This gendered double standard created a skewed perception of sexual morality and purity, one that still has lingering effects today.

Virginity in Today’s Society

In modern times, the concept of virginity is being reexamined, with many people questioning its relevance and the pressure it places on individuals. As society becomes more open and accepting of diverse sexual orientations, gender identities, and personal experiences, the rigid definition of virginity is increasingly seen as outdated. Conversations around virginity have shifted from being about moral or social judgments to focusing on personal autonomy, consent, and sexual agency.

For many people today, virginity is a personal concept rather than a universal one. The decision to define oneself as a virgin, or to “lose” virginity, is often based on individual values, beliefs, and experiences. Some people choose not to label their sexual experiences at all, while others redefine virginity in ways that reflect their understanding of intimacy and pleasure. The growing recognition of LGBTQ+ identities has also reshaped the conversation, as traditional definitions of virginity, centered around heterosexual intercourse, fail to include non-heteronormative experiences.

Importantly, the shift in views on virginity also challenges harmful myths and stigmas, such as the idea that a person’s value or worth is tied to their sexual history. Sexual education and conversations about consent have gained more prominence, helping people make informed, empowered choices about their bodies and sexual experiences, without the weight of societal expectations.

Final Thoughts

Virginity, once a rigid and socially dictated concept, is now viewed through a more flexible and personal lens. What was once a marker of purity or morality, especially for women, is increasingly being understood as a social construct that does not define a person’s worth or identity. Modern discussions about virginity emphasize individual choice, consent, and the complexity of sexual experiences, encouraging people to define their own sexual journeys in ways that are meaningful to them.

By moving away from judgment and embracing diversity in sexual experiences, today’s society is shifting toward a more inclusive understanding of sexuality – one that values personal autonomy and mutual respect over archaic notions of purity and virginity.

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Sex Ed 102: The Female Sexual Response Cycle

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After posting the “Faking it” and “Help! I can’t orgasm” videos I was bombarded with questions from my cis female viewers in regard to orgasms; what they are, how to have them, the things that happen with your body before, during, and after an orgasm, as well as what’s “normal”.

Rather then send out hundreds of separate messages, I thought I’d create a video that explains how the female sexual response cycle works and hopefully help you have bigger and better orgasms in the process.

Understanding The Female Sexual Response Cycle

The female sexual response cycle is a complex series of physical and emotional changes that occur in response to sexual stimulation. Like the male sexual response cycle, it is commonly broken down into four distinct phases: excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution. Each phase involves specific physical responses and plays a role in overall sexual satisfaction. However, the female sexual response cycle tends to be more varied and fluid, with greater individual differences in how women experience arousal and pleasure.

1. Excitement Phase

The excitement phase marks the beginning of sexual arousal and can be triggered by physical stimulation, psychological factors, or both. Sexual excitement in cis women involves increased blood flow to the pelvic area, which causes the clitoris, labia, and vaginal walls to swell and become more sensitive. Lubrication begins as fluid seeps through the walls of the vagina, which helps reduce friction during sexual activity. During this phase, the breasts may swell, and the nipples become erect due to increased blood flow.

This phase varies in length depending on a woman’s emotional state, level of attraction, and other external factors. A woman’s mood, stress levels, and comfort with her partner can all influence how quickly she enters the excitement phase. Arousal in women can sometimes be more gradual than in men, so taking time to build desire through foreplay can enhance the overall experience.

During this phase you may notice any, some, or all of the following: nipples becoming hard, becoming lubricated, separation and raising of the labia majora, increase in heart rate, flushing of the face and neck or body, heavier breathing, tensing of muscles, swelling of clitoris, increase in breast size, rise in blood pressure, clitoris becoming highly sensitive.

2. Plateau Phase

In the plateau phase, the physical and emotional arousal that began in the excitement phase intensifies. The clitoris becomes more engorged and sensitive, and the vaginal walls continue to swell as blood flow increases to the pelvic area. The vagina elongates and the inner part expands to prepare for potential penetration, a process known as “tenting.” Externally, the labia may darken in color due to increased blood flow, and muscle tension continues to build throughout the body, including in the thighs and abdomen.

During the plateau phase, breathing and heart rate increase, and the sensations of pleasure become more focused and intense. This phase can last for varying amounts of time, and the experience may fluctuate based on the type of stimulation and a woman’s individual response. Some women may hover in the plateau phase for an extended period, enjoying the buildup of tension and anticipation before progressing to orgasm, while others may move through it more quickly.

During this phase previous changes increase as well as the following; raising of the uterus to protect it from being hit by a thrusting object, opening of the cervix, vagina balloons to create a “seminal pool”, orgasmic platform develops.

3. Orgasm Phase

The orgasm phase is the climax of the sexual response cycle and is often characterized by a release of built-up sexual tension. During orgasm, rhythmic contractions of the pelvic muscles, including the muscles of the vagina and uterus, occur, creating intense feelings of pleasure. These contractions typically last a few seconds but may vary in intensity and duration from person to person. The number of contractions can range from five to twelve or more, depending on the individual and the circumstances.

Women can experience multiple orgasms without entering a refractory period, unlike men, allowing for continued arousal and pleasure. However, the intensity and frequency of orgasms can be influenced by emotional connection, comfort level, and external stimulation. Some women may experience orgasms from clitoral stimulation alone, while others achieve orgasm through vaginal or G-spot stimulation.

During this phase the body discharges all of the sexual tension experienced in previous stages and the following may be experienced; contractions begin in the vaginal walls, PC muscles, uterus, and rectum, facial contortions may happen, increased respiratory rate, increase in blood pressure, and possible squirting of vaginal fluids.

4. Resolution Phase

The resolution phase occurs as the body gradually returns to its pre-arousal state. Blood flow decreases, the swelling of the clitoris and vaginal tissues subsides, and the muscles relax. Some may feel a sense of relaxation or even euphoria during this phase, and if they have experienced orgasm, the tension in the body dissipates. If orgasm has not been reached, the resolution phase may involve lingering sexual tension and discomfort, sometimes referred to as “blue vulva,” though this is typically mild compared to the cis male experience of “blue balls.”

Importantly, unlike men, women do not have a refractory period that prevents immediate sexual re-arousal. This means that, under the right conditions, women can continue to be stimulated and experience additional orgasms without needing an extended recovery time.

During this phase the following physical reactions can be experienced; uterus descends from its “false” position, cervix dips into the seminal pool to access the semen, vagina returns to its normal size, clitoris descends to its normal position ,inner and outer lips return to normal size.

Conclusion

The female sexual response cycle is a dynamic and multifaceted process that involves physical, emotional, and psychological elements. Each phase – excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution – plays a key role in sexual pleasure and satisfaction. While the overall pattern is similar to the male sexual response cycle, women tend to experience greater variability in how they move through these phases, as arousal and response can differ significantly between individuals and situations.

Understanding the phases of the female sexual response cycle, and being aware of the factors that can influence arousal and pleasure, can help women and their partners create more fulfilling and satisfying sexual experiences. Emphasizing communication, emotional connection, and taking the time to explore individual preferences can enhance the overall sexual response and lead to more fulfilling intimacy.

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Sex Ed 102 Q&A: I like talking dirty, am I normal?

Question:

I got into a relationship almost a year ago (I’m now 18) and I just realized that I have a really big naughty side to me and am starting to show it. I don’t know why but just texting can sometimes get me excited and arouse me. He likes it and so do I, but people are making me feel like I’m a slut because of the way I am starting to act towards him which is making me feel bad about myself.

Is what I’m feeling normal? Am I really just a “slut”? I like talking dirty, am I normal?

Please help, I’m so confused!

Just Another Confused Teen

Answer

Dear JACT ,

Simply put – you’re normal! What you’re going through is very common and to be expected at your age. There is nothing wrong with you and it’s not something to be ashamed or embarrassed about.

What you’re experiencing is a natural part of puberty and something most teens experience between the ages of *10-17 for girls and *12-18 for boys (I use those numbers because they are what is commonly defined as a “teen”). This change in sexual awareness and arousal is due to changes in hormones that shift the body from childhood to being capable of reproduction.

This is a time that should be embraced as an opportunity for you to learn about your body, what you’re feeling sexually, and why, rather than worrying what other people think. That said, in regard to those who are calling you a “slut” or making you “feel like one”, I suggest you ignore them and learn to be gentler, kinder, and more accepting of yourself and your new found breach into womanhood.

In an effort to avoid further name calling I suggest that you keep your private life separate from those who feel the need to pass judgment. Not everyone needs to know what you’re doing or saying to him. That’s between you and he. If it is something that you would like to share, only do so with those that you feel comfortable with, trust, and know wont have any negative feedback.

Also keep in mind that if they haven’t yet, those who have been making you “feel like a slut” will soon discover that they too are experiencing sexual feelings towards others and like you, may not know whats going on or how to deal with it.

Hope that helped,
Kara_Sutra

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Sex Ed 102: Beginners Guide To Cock Rings

Not sure what I cock ring is? Not to worry. This beginners guide to cock rings will help explain everything you need to know.

What Is A Cock Ring?

Cock rings are accessories worn around the base of the penis to extend intercourse by keeping blood trapped inside the shaft of the penis (they also seem to work wonders at making the penis look bigger – I said look, they don’t actually make it longer or bigger). In some cases, they can also be used to help hold a condom in place.

Erections occur when the penis is filled with blood after arousal (click the link to learn more about the ‘Male’ Sexual Response Cycle). Muscle spasms occurring at the base of the penis cause blood to be trapped and the penis to become hard. When there is a problem with the muscle spasms, the blood flows out and the penis remains soft. Fortunately for many people a cock ring worn at the base of an erect penis will help prevent the blood from leaving the shaft, thus maintaining a firmer erection.

Whether made of nitrile, leather, metal, silicone, or otherwise, there are many options available. The challenge is finding one that works with you and your body.

Finding the Right Size

Considering that one of the most asked questions I get regarding cock rings is in regard to size, I want to assure you that most silicone and/or rubber rings will stretch to fit even the largest of penises, it’s just a matter of finding one that will accommodate comfortably.

As for metal rings; take a strip of paper, fabric, or something flexible that will comfortably fit around the shaft, wrap it around the base of the penis and mark where the ends meet. Measure the length, divide by 3, and you’ve got your size. For most people, a 1.75-2 inch ring will be sufficient to wear comfortably. I personally suggest avoiding metal rings unless you are experienced as they are harder to apply, remove, and there is the potential for it to get stuck should you be unable to lose the erection (which will very likely lead to a hospital visit).

Note: you could use a flexible tape measure, though you’ll want one made of a soft material that won’t accidentally cut you – which is why I don’t suggest traditional tape measures that could accidentally snap back.

How To Wear

While the most effective way to wear a cock ring is behind the balls and around the top of the shaft, many people opt to wear them around the shaft only as it may be a bit more comfortable. Unfortunately there are a few things that may go wrong with this, like it slipping off during sex when things get wet and slippery.

On that note, I suggest applying a good water based lube before putting on the ring, as there is a likely chance it may otherwise tug and pull on pubic hair (if you have any) during use or removal. No matter which way you choose to wear a cock ring it should fit comfortably and cause no pain. One thing to remember is that cock rings should be first applied to a soft, flaccid penis and stay on until the penis is hard and erect.

Application

Applying cock rings is easy, especially those that are stretchy (like silicone and rubber): simply stretch the ring with two fingers (index and ring fingers) of both hands and bring the ring underneath and behind the balls, then back toward your lower abdomen, slowly allowing the tension to bind the base of the penis securely.

Unfortunately using metal rings is a little trickier: start by lubing up your balls, then gently maneuver one testicle through the ring (doesn’t matter which one), then gently ease in the other, from there you’re going to gently fold the penis and point it so it’s head down and push it through the ring, then carefully pull the ring back against your body so it sits above the shaft. As I said, this is a little trickier and can also be a tad more uncomfortable.

The Bad

Because the penis is made up of millions of blood vessels (that allow the flow of blood to enter and exit the area), constricting the flow of blood into (or out of) the penis is just not something it’s meant to do naturally. As such, some of the problems you may face include numbness, discoloration, the inability to ejaculate, unnatural swelling and pain – often due to using one that’s too small, thin, or an improper application.

**If you notice any of the above I advise that you take the cock ring off immediately.

It is also not advised to leave a ring on for too long – a hard on that lasts several hours can cause blood to coagulate in the shaft which may make it very hard to lose the erection. If this happens, I suggest you seek medical attention as soon as possible.

Tips & Suggestions

Learning to apply c-rings before using them with a partner may be one of the best suggestions I have to offer. Not only will it cut down the time it takes to put on when in the moment, but it will also give you a feeling of confidence and preparedness, rather then being caught off guard leaving you fumbling in the dark.

Using a little bit of lube to apply the cock ring will help it slide over the shaft and limit the amount of pubic hair (if you have any) that may get caught during use or removal. I’ve heard horror stories, trust me on this one.

Unless you are well versed with the use of cock rings I highly suggest sticking to rubber (not jelly), silicone, cyberskin or other somewhat flexible material rather then investing in metal. That way if you happen to ‘lock off’ (meaning you can’t return to your flaccid state, rendering you unable to remove the product) you can always cut the product off rather than having to go to the hospital to have it removed.

If you’re going to be using protection (and I hope you are) I suggest applying the condom first, then placing the cock ring over top which will help secure the condom and keep it from rolling up. Again, I’m going to suggest the use of lube to make it both easier, more comfortable, and prevent the condom from possibly tearing.