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Sex Ed 102 Q&A: Should I Shave My Pubic Hair?

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Sex Ed 102 Q&A: Should I Shave My Pubic Hair?

Question:

I just started getting hot and heavy with a partner after being single for 3 years and keep finding magazine articles on pubic hair and shaving, which is really intimidating. I’ve never done it so I’m not sure what’s “right” or “wrong”, hell, I haven’t even figured out if I’d like the way I look totally bare down there! I’m totally lost! Should I shave my pubic hair?

Do you have any suggestions or advice that could help?

Answer

Before I get into it I just want to stress that shaving your pubic hair is not required or necessary for an intimate, fun, and respectful sexual experience. It’s a choice that only you can make and shouldn’t feel pressured to do, whether by society or a partner.

When it comes to maintaining pubic hair, everyone is different. Like clothing or hairstyle, it’s a matter of individual preference. Some people don’t do anything with their pubic hair, leaving it to grow naturally. Some only remove hair when they’ll be wearing a bathing suit or engaging in intimate activities, and some remove hair regularly as part of their routine. As I said, it’s a decision that’s totally up to you.

One thing I do want for you to keep in mind is that there are no real health benefits associated with removing pubic hair, it’s purely aesthetic.

If you do decide to bare it all these are some tips and tricks I think you might find helpful.

What Is Pubic Hair and Why Do We Have It?

Pubic hair, like other body hair, grows naturally as a part of puberty. It serves as a barrier that helps to reduce friction during activities, traps bacteria, and helps to wick away sweat to keep the area clean and comfortable. Some believe it also plays a role in pheromone release, enhancing natural scent as part of human attraction. While pubic hair isn’t necessary for health, some people appreciate it for its protective function and its role in maintaining a balanced environment.

Ultimately, whether you choose to keep it or remove it is entirely up to you and what feels most comfortable.

First a few Warnings…

Never use the old-fashioned straight edge razor. It is unsuitable for pubic hair removal and can be dangerous.
Never use a razor on dry bare skin, it can cause razor burn and be especially painful.
Don’t share your razors, this can spread skin infections.
Never use a hair removal cream like Nair, it can get into the vagina and cause serious pain not to mention cause possible infections.

Tips and Tricks for a Smooth, Comfortable Shave

When it comes to shaving pubic hair, a few extra steps can make all the difference in achieving a smooth, irritation-free experience.

First and foremost, invest in a high-quality razor designed for sensitive areas – ideally, one with multiple blades, a pivoting head, and a lubricating strip. Cheap, disposable razors can lead to nicks, razor burn, and redness, especially in such a delicate area, so it’s worth spending a little more to keep your skin safe.

Before you begin shaving, consider trimming longer hairs down to about a quarter of an inch with small scissors or an electric hair trimmer. This will prevent the razor from becoming clogged and ensure that it glides more easily over the skin.

To help soften the coarse pubic hair further, soak in a warm bath or stay in the shower for a few extra minutes before shaving. The heat and moisture will open up the hair follicles and make the hair more pliable, reducing the chances of pulling or tugging during shaving.

When you’re ready to shave, apply a generous amount of shaving foam or gel specifically designed for sensitive skin. Avoid using ordinary soap, as it can dry out the skin and doesn’t provide the same level of moisture retention. A good alternative to shaving gel is a quality hair conditioner, which will also help soften the hair and allow the razor to glide smoothly. Let the shaving product sit on the area for a few minutes before you start to give it time to soften the hair further.

To minimize irritation, make sure your razor blade is sharp and fresh, and only make each pass when there’s enough shaving foam on the skin to prevent friction. Rinse the razor frequently to remove hair and product build-up, which can dull the blade and increase the risk of razor burn. Shave in the direction of hair growth for a gentler experience, and avoid pressing too hard – let the razor do the work.

After you’ve finished shaving, rinse thoroughly and pat the area dry with a soft towel. To soothe the skin and reduce irritation, apply an unscented oil like Vitamin E or jojoba oil, or an alcohol-free moisturizer to hydrate and calm the skin.

Don’t Forget Exfoliation!

Exfoliating regularly is key to keeping the skin smooth and preventing pesky ingrown hairs. Aim to exfoliate the pubic area gently 1–2 times a week with a soft washcloth or a gentle exfoliating scrub designed for sensitive skin. Exfoliating removes dead skin cells that can clog pores, allowing hair to grow out more freely. If you’re new to exfoliation in this area, start with a very mild product and light pressure to avoid any irritation.

These extra steps not only enhance comfort and smoothness but can also help keep your skin looking and feeling its best over time.

Other Options for Pubic Hair Removal

If shaving isn’t your style, there are plenty of other methods to explore, each with its own benefits, challenges, and level of commitment. Here are some popular alternatives, along with a few insights into what you can expect from each one:

Waxing:

Waxing is a go-to choice for many because it removes hair from the root, which leaves the area smooth and hair-free for longer than shaving. While waxing can be painful at first, especially in sensitive areas, many people find that the discomfort lessens over time as they get used to it. Waxing results typically last anywhere from one to six weeks, depending on how quickly your hair grows. You can go to a professional for a salon-quality wax, or if you’re feeling bold, at-home waxing kits are widely available online. Just be sure to read instructions carefully and prepare your skin beforehand to minimize pain and irritation.

Electrolysis:

This is a method for those considering a more permanent solution. Electrolysis uses a fine needle to deliver an electric current into each hair follicle, which destroys it at the root. Usually performed by a professional, electrolysis can take multiple sessions – often six or more – to achieve full hair removal in an area. It can be costly and time-consuming, but it’s also highly effective. For those who want an at-home option, there are personal electrolysis devices, although these may be less powerful and slower than professional treatments.

Epilators:

An epilator (pictured right), is a handheld device that works like a supercharged tweezer, pulling multiple hairs out by the root in one go. It’s definitely a method that takes a bit of bravery, as it can be quite painful, especially in sensitive areas. However, for those who can handle it, epilation can keep you hair-free for weeks at a time. If you’re considering trying an epilator, make sure to look for a model that’s designed for sensitive areas, and keep in mind that results and pain levels vary from person to person.

* I actually tried using an epilator once, and I’ll never do it again. Granted that was years ago and technology has definitely advanced, but still. That one time was enough.

Laser Hair Removal:

This method uses concentrated light to target and destroy hair follicles. Laser hair removal is typically faster and less painful than electrolysis, though several sessions are required to achieve long-lasting results. While the effects aren’t always permanent, many people find that hair grows back finer and more slowly over time. Laser treatments are generally offered at clinics, though at home laser hair removal devices (pictured left), are also available. As with any permanent hair removal method, it’s a good idea to research carefully and consult with a professional if you’re unsure.

Stencils and Styling:

Not everyone wants to remove all their pubic hair, and that’s where styling options like trimming or stencils come in. With stencils specifically designed for pubic hair, you can shape and style the area in a way that feels both fun and comfortable. This option gives you control over how much hair to keep while adding a touch of creativity. For trimming, you can use scissors or an electric trimmer designed for sensitive areas, which provides a clean, maintained look without the potential irritation of complete removal.

No matter what method you choose, remember to research properly, start slow and see how your skin reacts, adjust your methods as needed, and care for your skin before, during, and after each session.

Final Thoughts

Choosing to remove or maintain pubic hair is a matter of personal preference, and there’s no right or wrong choice. Your comfort, health, and personal expression come first. By understanding the pros and cons of each option and following some simple do’s and don’ts, you can find an approach that feels best for you. Whether you decide to go natural, trim, or remove it all, what matters most is feeling empowered and comfortable in your own body.

So that’s pretty much it. Hopefully between the video and written content you’ll be shaving your hair like a pro… or maybe you’re totally comfortable with it as is, and if that’s the case more power to you!

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Sex Ed 102 Beginners Guide: Enhancing Intimacy with Games & More!

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Two of the questions I’m asked most often, especially by couples who have been together for a while, are “how can I have more fun in the bedroom?” and “we’ve been together so long that the sex has become mundane, is there anything I can use to incorporate in our sex life that might help to spice it up a bit?”

While there are a lot of answers to those questions, I personally think one of the most fun ways of adding some “spice” to the bedroom is to take some time perusing online and picking out some sexy but fun goodies to play with. They don’t have to be expensive or “luxurious”, just something both of you would like to try.

That said, since there are hundreds upon hundreds of products on the market I thought I’d share my fave items, j

Products featured in the video:

Sexy Vouchers & “Scratch & Wins”

Sexy couples’ vouchers or coupons are a fun and intimate way to add excitement and spontaneity to a relationship. These vouchers and coupon books often include a variety of playful or romantic activities that partners can “redeem” from each other, such as a sensual massage, a date night, or a fantasy role-play session.

They allow couples to explore their desires in a lighthearted way, making it easy to express and act on romantic or sexual fantasies without pressure. Sexy vouchers, coupons, and couples scratch cards are not only a creative gift idea but also a means of deepening connection, encouraging communication, and keeping the spark alive in the relationship. They can be tailored to each couple’s unique dynamic, making them a personalized and thoughtful gesture.

If you want to add a little extra fun try slipping them into your partners pocket, wallet, purse etc then call or text and ask if they found their ‘surprise’.

Furry Handcuffs and Blindfold

Furry handcuffs are a playful and visually appealing addition to bedroom activities, often used to introduce light bondage or enhance power dynamics in a fun and comfortable way. The soft, plush fur covering the metal cuffs adds a layer of comfort while still maintaining the excitement of restraint, making them ideal for beginners interested in exploring BDSM or couples looking to add variety to their intimate experiences. The fur also reduces the risk of skin irritation or discomfort, allowing users to focus on the sensual experience.

Products like this can add an element of anticipation and trust to play, helping partners deepen their connection and experiment with new levels of intimacy in a safe, consensual manner. They’re easy to use, usually have a safety release lock (so you don’t get stuck), come in a wide variety of colours and types, furry, sparkly, leather, mesh, metal etc, and are relatively inexpensive costing anywhere between $4 and $30.

Another great addition to bedroom play is the use of masks. Of course when it comes to this type of play you can always get creative and use something from around the house rather then making a new purchase. I’ve often found that things like scarves, neck ties, sleeping masks, and towels can be used for limiting sight. Just make sure that if you’re using something from around the house that you are able to take it off in a hurry, should you need to.

Erotic Dice and Cards

If you’re looking for something relatively inexpensive, very easy to use, quite discreet (considering you can hide them in a drawer, box, glass or another other small compartment) the inclusion of erotic dice is possibly the best fit! They come in a variety of options, can be used when combined with another set and are usually very cheap costing anywhere from $3 to $30.

As for fun and/or erotic card games, there are many on the market that are specifically designed to bring fun, playfulness, “spice” and something new to the bedroom…or any other room in the house. Like most things on the market I suggest you shop around until you find a deck (and game) that you really like, both in regard to quality of the cards and what they are intended to be used for.

*One quick suggestion when it comes to cards, look for ones that are laminated as the spilling of beverages or lube can often ruin a set.

Flirt, Sex Up The Night Game

*UPDATE: sadly this kit was discontinued a year ago and I’m legitimately sad about it.

I purchased this little kit quite a few years back and totally fell in love with it!

Not only is it fun, easy to use, inexpensive (considering everything you get), playful and creative but it’s also packed into a fun little case that you can use for storage.

The kit contains 4 cards with a synopsis of the girl you are and the scene you’re going to act out.

For each scene there is a prop that comes with to help get you into character and your partner in the mood.

For those of you that are interested in it or just want more info before purchasing it, I previously did a video review that can be found here for your viewing enjoyment.

Striptease Kit: A Guide to the Art of Striptease

Last, but definitely not least is the Striptease Kit: everything you need to take it off!

You don’t need a brass pole in your living room, you don’t need to be a professional dancer, and you certainly don’t need a perfect body. All you need are a few key moves, a couple of props, and a little practice. This saucy little kit holds all the accoutrements and information you’ll need to pull off a tantalizing ‘tease. You’ll be vamping it up in no time at all.

Includes: 48-page illustrated guide, 2 red sequined pasties with adhesive, Sheer black scarf, Body glitter, 10 fold-out cards with fully illustrated routines.

Personally I love this kit! I can`t say enough about it and recommend it to pretty much anyone that is interested in dancing for their partner.

The kit is fun, easy to use, gives you great ideas and even comes with props to help you have more fun! What I like most is the little book it comes with that’s filled with information to help make you feel comfortable in your own skin and works wonders for building confidence. Since I got mine I’ve had hours of fun with it and still love it like it was the first day I opened the box! Seriously, you wont be disappointed!

To watch my video review of the Striptease kit check this page.

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Sex Ed 102: Clitoral Stimulation Techniques

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Sex Ed 102: Clitoral Stimulation Techniques

Despite its importance, the clitoris has long been misunderstood or ignored. In recent years, however, there has been a growing movement to raise awareness about its structure and function, emphasizing the importance of clitoral stimulation in sexual pleasure.

Knowing how to properly stimulate the clitoris – whether through gentle touch, oral sex, or the use of sex toys – can empower individuals to take control of their sexual health and enjoy more fulfilling intimate experiences.

Understanding the anatomy of the clitoris helps in exploring various ways to experience sexual satisfaction, either through solo play or with a partner. As such, I also suggest reading my beginners guide to the clitoris, in order to help learn as much as possible before engaging in any stimulation techniques.

Facts About The Clitoris

The clitoris serves no other purpose than providing sexual pleasure. In fact it is the only organ in the human body that exists solely for pleasure.

There are around eight thousand nerve endings within the clitoris, which is part of what makes it so sensitive.

Contrary to popular belief, the clitoris is much larger then people assume. Like a miniature penis, the clitoris consists of a rounded tip (the glans, think of the head of the penis), attached to a longer part (the shaft). The shaft has two “arms” that stretch backwards into the woman’s body, under the skin on either side above the vaginal opening. This picture shows the similarities between the clitoris and penis quite well.

Nerves controlling clitoral muscle contractions travel alongside the walls of the vagina, the bladder and urethra, passing along the sensations produced from orgasm or stimulation. Which is why when a female experiences an orgasm during sex, the guy having sex with her will feel a throbbing or pulsing sensation inside her vagina.

During the one of the stages of the sexual response cycle her clitoris might become more sensitive then when you first started to play with it and may retract under the hood to shield it from direct stimulation. Check this diagram of a clitoris going through the stages or arousal.

When a person becomes sexually aroused, the clitoris fills with blood and increases in size just like a penis. After orgasm, the clitoris will return to its normal size. If the person doesn’t have an orgasm, the blood may remain there for a few hours and cause discomfort. This is pretty much the equivalent of “blue balls”.

Learning What You Like

Though every person’s sensitivity and preferences can vary, for many, direct clitoral stimulation is key to achieving orgasm. Some may prefer light, gentle touches, while others enjoy more intense or rhythmic stimulation. Exploring your body so you know what you like and don’t is crucial when it comes to communicating with a partner, and helps to ensure a fulfilling sexual experience for everyone.

It’s also important to note that clitoral stimulation doesn’t have to be limited to direct touch. Many people enjoy using body safe lubricants, which can enhance sensitivity and comfort, experimenting with various household items that are safe for masturbation, or different kinds of sex toys designed specifically to stimulate the clitoris.

External stimulation through oral sex, or even indirect stimulation through positions that apply pressure to the clitoral region, can also lead to heightened sexual arousal and orgasm. Finding what works best requires a combination of exploration, patience, and openness to discovering new sensations.

Different techniques can elicit different types of pleasure, and how you go about stimulating yourself is completely up to you.

Getting Started

Before you get started, make sure to always prioritize consent, comfort, and communication when engaging in sexual activities. Each person’s preferences are unique, so be open to exploration and discovery to find what works best for you.

Set the Mood: Create a comfortable and private environment where you feel relaxed and safe. Dim the lights, play soft music, or use aromatherapy to enhance the atmosphere. This can help you focus on the experience and reduce any distractions.

Begin with Foreplay: Start by engaging in foreplay to increase arousal, whether individually or with a partner. For individual foreplay, explore your body by caressing your own skin, focusing on erogenous zones such as the breasts, inner thighs, or the vulva. Using your hands or a vibrator can enhance sensations and help you understand your preferences. When engaging in partnered foreplay, consider kissing, touching, or orally stimulating each other to create intimacy. Taking your time during this phase helps build anticipation and increases sensitivity, allowing both you and your partner to become fully aroused before moving on to clitoral stimulation.

Lubricate: Use a water or silicone-based lubricant to enhance comfort and reduce friction. Applying lubricant to the clitoris and surrounding areas can heighten sensations and make stimulation more pleasurable.

Locate the Clitoris: Identify the clitoral glans, which is located at the top of the vulva, just above the urethral opening. It’s a small, sensitive pea sized nub that may be partially covered by the clitoral hood. Familiarize yourself with the surrounding anatomy, including the labia and the vestibular bulbs.

Start Gently: Begin by gently touching the clitoral glans with your fingertips or the palm of your hand. Use light pressure to explore different areas around the clitoris and gradually increase the intensity as you gauge your comfort level. Pay attention to your body’s responses.

Experiment with Techniques: Try various techniques to discover what feels best for you. You can use:

Circular Motions: Move your fingers in small circles around the clitoral glans.
Up and Down Strokes: Gently slide your fingers vertically over the glans.
Side-to-Side Movements: Move your fingers horizontally across the clitoris.
Pressure Variation: Alternate between light and firmer pressure to find the most pleasurable sensations.

Incorporate Different Types of Stimulation: You may also try using a vibrator designed for clitoral stimulation, which can provide a different sensation. Experiment with different speeds and patterns to see what you enjoy. You can also combine manual stimulation with a vibrator for enhanced pleasure.

Focus on the Whole Area: Remember that the entire vulva is sensitive. Explore touching the surrounding labia, the vaginal opening, and the vestibular bulbs to create a more holistic experience. Varying your focus can lead to deeper arousal.

Communicate with Your Partner: If you are exploring clitoral stimulation with a partner, communicate your desires and preferences openly. Let them know what feels good and what doesn’t. This can enhance intimacy and ensure a pleasurable experience for both of you.

Allow for Exploration: Take your time and allow yourself to explore your body without pressure to reach orgasm. Clitoral stimulation can vary in intensity, and enjoying the journey is just as important as any destination. Focus on the sensations and embrace your pleasure.

Listen to Your Body: Pay attention to your body’s responses throughout the experience. If something feels uncomfortable, adjust your technique or pressure. If you feel close to orgasm, you can continue the same stimulation or vary it to prolong the sensation.

Aftercare: Once you finish, take a moment to relax and enjoy the afterglow. This can include cuddling, talking, or simply reflecting on the experience. Aftercare is an essential part of intimacy, helping you connect with yourself and/or your partner.

Clitoral Stimulation Techniques

Now that you’ve got a bit of information about the clitoris and getting started, here are a few different clitoral stimulation techniques you might try:

- Use your hand, fingers, or a sex toy to slide up and down or back and forth across your clitoris and clitoral hood. Using lubrication or spit will help with avoiding friction that may cause you to be tender or sore after.

- A gentle tapping on your clit can help to slowly build to orgasm. Speed it up or slow it down as necessary to suit your comfort level.

- Being that the crura, or two “legs” of the clitoris, can be stimulated inside the vaginal canal, penetrating your vagina with your fingers or a sex toy can be extra enjoyable. Combining this with other external stimulating techniques can create an even more intense experience (pictured above left).

- No hands or nudity required, straddle a pillow, corner of a couch/chair, or other object and grind onto it until you reach orgasm (pictured lower right).

- For partnered play, during penetrative sex, suggest having your partner focus less on thrusting and more on rubbing or grinding their body on your clitoris while inserted.

- Next time you’re in the bath or shower, try using the sensation of running water to stimulate your clitoris. It isn’t the most comfortable experience when in the bath, but can still be quite enjoyable (pictured left). A removable shower head with multiple settings gives you the opportunity to play with different types of stimulation.

- Use your fingers to softly pinch your clitoral hood. Because of the amount of nerve endings in the clitoris, I suggest starting gently and playing around until you see what feels good and what doesn’t. This technique isn’t for everyone, so if you find it isn’t enjoyable that’s totally okay.

- Use your fingers or a sex toy to trace circles around your clit, touching your labia in the process. Begin slowly and increase speed as desired.

- Because of the unique shape of the clitoris, you may become aroused and even orgasm by massaging other erogenous zones on their own or along with the clitoris. Try touching your labia, vaginal opening, inner thigh, perineum, or anus.

Final Thoughts

Clitoral stimulation is an essential aspect of sexual pleasure for many individuals. Understanding the anatomy of the clitoris and experimenting with various techniques can help enhance sexual experiences, whether solo or with a partner. The key is to take your time, explore different forms of touch, and discover what feels most pleasurable. Clitoral stimulation can be approached in a variety of ways, from gentle caresses and circular motions to the use of vibrators and other toys. By paying attention to your body’s responses and using lubrication, you can ensure a more comfortable and satisfying experience.

Ultimately, clitoral stimulation is about connecting with your body and embracing what brings you pleasure. Open communication with a partner, as well as personal exploration, allows for deeper intimacy and a better understanding of sexual desires. The clitoris plays a central role in sexual arousal and orgasm, and learning to stimulate it effectively can lead to more fulfilling and enjoyable sexual encounters. Remember, the journey of discovering pleasure is personal, so take the time to experiment, relax, and enjoy the experience at your own pace.

If you’d like to purchase products designed specifically for clitoral stimulation be sure to check out any of my favourite online sex toy stores be it Pinkcherry, SheVibe, or Babeland. Make sure to shop around so you can get the best prices available.

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Q&A: Problems with Penetration

Question:

Terribly sorry to bother you, I know you get a lot of emails and messages, but I really love your videos and they have helped me a lot, so I thought you might be able to help me with my situation and I couldn’t find the answer to my question in any of your videos.

To be blunt, my boyfriend has a rather large penis (7.5in, 2 in.wide), and I’m a very small female (120lbs), and we have been having problems in the bedroom. We are probably the most intimate couple I know, completely in love, and after a long wait we decided that we wanted to have sex. We’re both virgins. However, whenever we try, he cannot penetrate. I know that it is not a matter of our comfort level, both of us want it very much, and I get wet, but he can never penetrate more than an inch without me experiencing extreme pain. So I guess you could say we’re having problems with penetration. Inserting tampons larger than regular size is even uncomfortable for me. We have tried multiple times with various condoms, and I am aware of the fact that the first time will hurt, but I was wondering if you have any suggestions, like positions we could try, or products we could buy to make it less uncomfortable for me, or any other advice you might have.

Would it be easier if we “practiced,” as in, he tries to penetrate a little more every time? Or would that just make the pain worse? Should I use a toy, or would that just be silly?

Thanks for your help,

Worried First Timer

Answer

Dear Worried First Timer,

Thanks for watching and supporting what I do!!

What your are experiencing is very common and something I hear all the time. That being said, please be aware of the fact that it is normal, to be expected and nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about.

As for suggestions, I think you should start small and then work up to an actual penis. There are many things that you can use that are smaller then him that will help your body to stretch (it won’t actually ‘stretch out’, so don’t worry about that), get accustomed to having something inside, as well as hopefully provide you with the stimulation you need to have an orgasm.

Foreplay

First I would suggest making foreplay a very regular and integral part of your experience. I say this because the more aroused you are the more your vaginal canal will expand to allow the insertion of a penis. Just to be clear, when the vaginal canal at its largest (fully expanded) it’s “usually” between 6″ – 7″ inches deep, whereas it’s normally only 3″ – 4″ inches deep. Crazy, I know. Unfortunately, more foreplay doesn’t equal a deeper expansion.

Foreplay doesn’t have to be anything specific, just whatever it is that turns you on in the moment. For some people it’s cuddling, others like talking dirty, some like watching porn, others prefer something more external like light caresses, massages, or spankings. Feel what’s right for you in the moment, it’s all about turning yourself on.

Also by making foreplay a regular part of your experience you allow your body to go through the natural response cycle of arousal, allowing you to lubricate and ready yourself for intercourse.

Start Small and Go Slow

Next, I would suggest either using a finger or a small silicone dildo to get yourself used to the feeling of having something inside. This can be done by him or by you. I’d personally suggest a dilator set, they often have everything you need, starting with smaller sized dildos and graduating to much larger. Or if you’re looking for something more specific I’d say go with a Small Silk, Little Flirt, or a Tantus Meteorite (my review) the last one is meant for anal use, but can just as easily be used vaginally. They’re all relatively small, made of body safe materials, have a base so you can get them out easily, and will last you a lifetime.

As for using them, I don’t suggest you just try and cram them in or go for an instant thrusting motion as it’ll likely be painful. Instead, lube both yourself and the toy up, then when you’re ready slowly insert the toy until it starts to hurt and when it does… just stop. Don’t remove it or shift it, just leave it exactly where it is. I know this may seem a little silly, but as time passes your body will relax and you’ll find the pain will subside. When you’re ready insert a bit more until it hurts, again, just stop. Keep going like this until the toy is completely inside you. For some people this takes one session, for others a few days of practice, some are able to do it on the first go. There is no barometer for what’s right or wrong. Just take your time and go slow. Eventually it will far less painful and something you can learn to enjoy.

Once you’re comfortable with the toys, try having him use his finger to penetrate you. I realize that it still might hurt, but using lots of lubricant and relaxing can make a world of difference. Again, I don’t suggest that he use his fingers in an “in and out” motion as the friction can sometimes hurt, but instead place that he slowly insert one in you for as long as your comfortable. Follow the same steps outlined above until you’re comfortable and ready to explore something larger like two fingers. From there you could attempt a larger sized dildo or have him try and penetrate you. Again, it may still be painful but usually if you’ve taken the necessary time to allow your body to get used to the feeling, it can make a world of difference.

Relax

The final suggestion I have is to take some time relaxing before you have sex. The more relaxed you allow your body to become the more you will enjoy the experience because you are not tense, and therefor not “tightening” up.

Please remember that it isn’t something that is going to happen over night and instead is going to take some time for you to get used to. That being said, once you are comfortable and ready it can make the experience a much more pleasurable one then a painful one.

I do understand how frustrating this can be and hope that some of my suggestions helped.

Kara_Sutra

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Sex Ed 102 Q&A: Help! I Can’t Orgasm

Question:

Hi Kara Sutra,

I just wanted to ask if maybe you could tell me what’s wrong with me; every time I have sex with my boyfriend I can’t climax. I can have them on my own… just not with him. Help! I can’t orgasm, and I’m really starting to wonder what’s wrong with me?

Answer:

What you’re facing is unfortunately very common. So let me first just put it out there that there’s nothing wrong with you and it’s not any ones fault. Most women have had at least one (if not a handful) of occasions where they aren’t able to climax with their partner, men too. It’s normal, natural, and nothing to be embarrassed by. It’s just part of being sexually active.

Before I offer any suggestions, I’m going to throw out a few scenarios as I find it can be helpful to think outside the box when addressing issues like this.

Solo Sex vs Coupled Sex

You said you can come on your own, but not with him, maybe it’s a case of nerves, maybe you don’t feel totally relaxed, maybe you’re scared you’re going to look stupid, either way what you’re going through is pretty common. Let me explain…

When a person climaxes during intercourse it requires being in a position where they’re comfortable, feel safe, and trust the environment, and/or person they’re with, not to mention being comfortable in their own skin and/or the way their body will behave.

Although this isn’t always the case, sometimes our bodies do things we can’t control when we orgasm – convulse, make faces, twitch, say embarrassing stuff, flail, shudder, squirt, scream, shake, tense up, go limp (to name a few) – and no matter how hard we try, we just can’t stop that from happening. Allowing someone to see us ‘out of control’, for lack of a better term, requires vulnerability and courage. Two things that can be very hard to muster up when we already feel exposed.

When we masturbate, things are usually quite different; most people ensure they’re in a place where no interruptions can happen, that they’re secure, and the worries they have are limited; they aren’t scared someone else will get soaked if the squirt, that they’ll be laughed at for the look on their face/something they do or say in the heat of the moment, or that they’ll be judged for they way their naked body looks. Basically, there’s limited to no risk of embarrassment when masturbating, allowing us to let go completely, which definitely helps with achieving an orgasm.

Throw another person into the mix all sorts of embarrassing situations present themselves. Often times we’re not even conscious of this and enter into sexual relations unaware, only to end up disappointed. This isn’t to say that we’re not comfortable with our partner(s) or that we don’t love him/her. It has more to do with the conscious/unconscious state of being and the willingness to share a very intimate and personal experience.

One thing I’ve come to learn from most women is that once they have had a self induced orgasm in front of their partner where nothing “bad” happened, they are better able to achieve an orgasms with them next time around.

With that in mind, I suggest you take a night where you both masturbate for each other. I’m serious. Relax and allow yourself to have an orgasm in front of him. Try not to be embarrassed or afraid to let go. Don’t rush, take as long as you need. Do it for you and you alone. Use whatever toy you feel works best and that you love to personally play with. If it helps, just pretend that he isn’t even there. Sit him in a corner by himself in the shadows and do all of the things you would normally do for yourself. Whether it’s lighting candles, playing music, fantasizing about a male/female you are attracted to or putting on your pajamas. What ever you do when you are by yourself, do that.

I know it’s probably a scary, overwhelming, intimidating, and bizarre idea to throw out there, but if you trust your partner, self, and want to get past any issues you might be having it’s worth trying. What’s the worst that can happen? …you’ll have an orgasm, might do something embarrassing, he’ll make you feel better about it, and the next time you’ll both know what to expect. No biggie. Trust me, if he loves you and wants to see you happy, he’ll do whatever it takes to make you feel comfortable in your own skin.

Other Suggestions

For as hard or uncomfortable as it might be, talk to your partner about your insecurities and the things that make you feel vulnerable in the moment. If they understand where you’re coming from they may be willing to help you explore and feel confident in your skin.

Try using toys during sex. It is VERY common that most women can’t achieve an orgasm without the clitoral stimulation that a penis can not provide. By introducing toys during sex you create the much needed stimulation of the clitoris.

You also might want to look for a more powerful vibrator like the Hitachi Magic Wand as it may be “harder” for you to reach the level of arousal you need from clitoral stimulation to achieve an orgasm. Keep in mind that not everyone is built the same, so what might take one woman 1 minute of stimulation to reach an orgasm might take another 10 minutes, a half an hour, or even longer.

When it comes to sex there are certain “levels” within the a persons Sexual Response Cycle that need to be reached in order to achieve an orgasm. You may want to watch my video on the subject in order to learn more about your body and the way it’s reacting, so that you can understand what’s happening and hopefully figure out what you specifically need to do.

Finally, stop trying. One of the main problems that people face when achieving an orgasm is that they forget to relax and enjoy it. They stress themselves out about and end up not being able to allow it to happen naturally. Remember, sex is supposed to be fun not stressful.

It may take more then one go at it, but with time if you are able to relax enough to let go and surrender to that primal part of yourself, you should be able to reach an orgasm. Enjoy it!

hope that helped

Kara_Sutra

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