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Sex Ed 102 Q&A: Is My Boyfriend Gay?

Question:

First I just want to say that I love your YouTube videos, they are so informational.

I would appreciate if you could help me with a dilemma. I recently saw a picture of my boyfriend on a website that I would consider to be a gay site. It’s primarily for people who are attracted to transsexual people. Most of the people on the site are pre-op which means they still have dicks, which makes me even more concerned. I have absolutely no idea if he has ever been with someone like this or if this is just a fantasy but even if it is just a fantasy, I’m concerned.

I don’t know how to bring this to his attention but I know I need to because I’m worried and he could be putting me in danger of getting something. How do I let him know or ask him if he is living a double life or is on the downlow? We’ve been together for 3 1/2 years and it would hurt my heart to know that he is like this. He has never shown signs of being interested in men in any way. As a matter of fact he always talks and acts as if he’s damn near homophobic. I appreciate your help!

Answer:

First off thanks for watching and supporting what I do!

As for the question…I too have been there.

When I was in high school I was in a relationship with someone that I loved very much. We were very close, not only lovers but best friends, we were together all the time and thought one day we would get married…typical high school sweethearts.

One day I found his journal and read it (which I know was wrong of me) and in doing so found a phone number and beneath it a males name and a code. Out of curiousity and trusting my instincts, I called it. The number was for a chat line called “Manline“, where males can talk with other males (I’m sure you know what I’m getting at). I was shocked, sad, angry, hurt and disappointed. You name it, I felt it.

So after a few days of tormenting myself I confronted him. He denied it. I asked him again and told him that I already knew what was going on so he better be honest. He still denied it, not only that but got very angry with me for invading his personal space and privacy. Looking back, and knowing him as well as I did, I can completely understand why he’d be upset. And in truth, it wasn’t so much that he was interested in men that hurt, it was that he had lied to my face without a thought towards my feelings.

I made a decision based on the information I had to end the relationship. I didn’t want to chance “catching” something nor did I want to be lied to. I also wasn’t sure if I could trust him again, if he was able to lie once, what was to say that he couldn’t/wouldn’t do it again. It broke my heart, but I felt it was in my own best interest.

Of course my situation isn’t your situation, so what I have to offer is this; before you make up your mind make certain it is him and not someone that looks like him, sounds like him or writes like him. How you do that is your choice, but I do think it’s important. If you’ve done your research and are sure it’s him, bring it up with him in a gentle and respectful way (I find asking rather than confronting can make a big difference in how people react). Let him know that you are not judging, but that you need to know for your own safety and security. I’d also suggest taking some time to figure out if he’s someone that you want to continue having in your life if it is true – just because he may be attracted to men or transexuals doesn’t men he’s a bad person or that he’s not the same person you once loved.

Be prepared for him to deny it, to lie, to try to cover it up to get mad at you, at himself, to yell, or cry, or start a fight. If it is infact him, you may be putting him in a situation that he is personally not yet ready to face or deal with. He might not even know himself “what” he is or “who” he is, and this might be part of his experimentation or exploration to find out. Please also keep in mind that as this may be his way of experimenting…it might also be something that will pass in time. However, this was never meant for your eyes. Only his.

In my situation there was a long period of time afterward where we did not talk. We were always aware of how each other was, either through friends or the ‘scene’ we both frequented, but for the most part there was no face to face contact. After about a year of absence from each others lives we talked on the phone, it was an emotional, eye opening and healing conversation where he admitted everything and told me that he was gay, that he had been all along but didn’t want to come out for fear of how people would react. He was a sensitive person and the thought of people rejecting or abandoning him terrified him, rather than coming out he just kept quiet. Up until his passing over a year ago we were still in each others lives, often having short periods of distance followed by intense periods of catching up and being inseparable. Regardless of our past, until the day he died there was love. Lots of love…and also lots of forgiveness.

Unfortunately I cannot say that you will have your own “happy ending”, that the pain, frustration and confusion you’re experiencing will all be for nothing. I don’t know you and I don’t know him, so my opinion is just that – an opinion. I can however suggest that maybe this isn’t something personal about or against you…but instead, a part of who he is and needs to learn about so that he can within himself become “whole”.

Be gentle with your approach, loving with your words and try to remember that we all, on every level, deserve to be treated with respect and decency no matter what our sexual “choice” in life is. That being said, I have lived my life by one very true motto that spoke volumes to me when I was younger and questioning the “wrongness” or “rightness” of my own sexuality:

A hand is a hand,
A touch is a touch,
Love is Love.
And Love cannot be denied.

I wish you the best of luck and truly hope that whatever happens you’ll be able to remain respectful and understanding regarding each others feelings. I wish there was a clear cut answer to this kind of situation, unfortunately there isn’t and we just have to make up the road as we go.

Kara_Sutra

p.s I would also like to state that in my opinion, when it comes to being homosexual, transexual etc…there is no right or wrong. The statement that it is a persons “choice” has no relevance to me. You are who you are and that can’t be ignored or denied. Nor should it be.

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Condom Sizing Guide

You’ve found yourself standing in front of a wall of condoms, and staring back at you are over 30 different brands all suggesting that theirs is “the best“… and yet, you don’t know which one to choose.

What I just described is something I’m asked about on a daily basis. So, in an attempt to make things easier I’ve created this condom sizing guide to help you discover the different brands available, offer some suggestions, and hopefully help you find the perfect size condom for you.

Average Condom

Average condoms are the condoms you’ll find in pretty much every drug store, online sexual wellness shop, gas station, dispenser or pharmacy. Many of them will be referred to as “original” by the manufacturer and have limited added features like ribbing, special lubricants or otherwise.

Unless specified on the box you can pretty much count that the vast majority of condoms are “average condoms” and therefore fall within 7 – 7.9 inches in length.

*Because these condoms are made of latex I’m going to highly suggest you avoid oil based lubricant’s as they’ll likely ruin the condom.

Average Condom Sizes

Head Width: 2″
Shaft width: 2″
Base Width: 2″
Length: 7 – 7.9″
Thickness: 0.0027″
Lubrication: Water Based/Silicone/Spermicidal
Special Features: None unless you purchase those with specific features like ribbing, textures, warming/cooling lubricant etc.

Snugger Fit

For those of you that aren’t very big in the girth department “Snugger”, or tighter fitting condoms, might be exactly what you’re looking for. As you’d likely assume, they’re slightly smaller in circumference and tend to be great if you find ‘average’ condoms slip off due to being too large or overly bulky.

If you’ve hesitated trying this type of condom due to the fact that you don’t like your penis to feel ‘suffocated’ not to worry, the head of these condoms is usually the same as ‘average’ condoms, with the body being thinner to fit more comfortably.

*Because these condoms are made of latex I’m going to highly suggest you avoid oil based lubricant’s as they’ll likely ruin the condom.

Snugger Fit Condom Sizes

Head Width: 2″
Shaft Width: 1.75″
Base Width: 1.75″
Length: 7″
Thickness: 0.0027″
Lubrication: Water Based/Silicone/Spermicidal
Special Features: Thinner body

Extra Head Room/ More Room At The Top

For those that complain about the average condom being “suffocating” or “too tight” others offering more ‘head room’ are a great choice. Not only do they allow the person wearing them a bit more room to maneuver (without the worry of possibly breaking the condom), they also offer added stimulation for their partner as they often rub against the g-spot, walls of the vagina, or prostate.

*Because these condoms are made of latex I’m going to highly suggest you avoid oil based lubricant’s as they’ll likely ruin the condom.

Extra Head Room Condom Sizes

Head Width: 2.75″
Shaft Width: 2″
Base Width: 2″
Length: 7.25″
Thickness: 0.0027″
Lubrication: Water Based/Silicone/Spermicidal
Special Features: Larger/ wider tip to allow more room for the head of the penis.

Extra Large/Magnum Condoms

Although the average penis size is between 4″ – 5.5″ inches in length, there are people who require a larger condom. As such, the condoms in this category are larger sized in both girth and length. If average condoms leave you feeling constricted, these large condoms are what you’re looking for.

If you find that ‘larger’ sized condoms don’t seem to be big enough, as a last resort I suggest trying some of the extra large condoms like Trojan Magnum or Durex XXL. Just keep in mind that if you’re not really in need of larger condoms it’s best that you don’t use them as they’ll probably fall off or possibly shift during use.

*Because these condoms are made of latex I’m going to highly suggest you avoid oil based lubricant’s as they’ll likely ruin the condom.

Extra Large/Magnum Condom Sizes

Head width 2.5″
Shaft width 2.25″
Base width 2″
Length 8 – 9.5″
Thickness 0.0025″
Lubricant: Water Based/Silicone/Spermicidal
Special Features: Larger over all body with a tapered base to allow the condom to stay put.

Custom Sized Condom Options

For those of you still having a hard time finding a condom that fits when shopping through big name condom retailers, you might want to look into companies specializing in custom sized condoms. Currently, there are only 3 companies doing this (technically two), but it’s worth a shot if you’re looking for something a bit more specific to your needs.

My Size Condoms

MySize offers 7 different options, covering everything from 47mm to 69mm width. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on your personal needs, the main selling point of these condoms is the focus on girth over length; according to their measuring page the only measurement you take is circumference “the length of the penis doesn’t matter for the condom size“. I’m not sure if that means all the condoms are a generic length, or if they’re rounded out against the girth, but if length is what matters to you, I suggest trying one of the other options.

They Fit Condoms

For those of you in need of something more specific, TheyFit condoms (recently purchased by One Condoms), has over 95 different sizes to choose from. Rather than just focusing on girth, TheyFit has an easy 5 step penis measuring system that covers all the bases. Whether you need something big, small, thick or thin, they’ve got you covered. The only down side, I heard that the line came off the market in 2007 due to complexities of making them and issues with the manufacturer, however the site is still up and running and I’ve been told they’re currently available in the UK/Europe. That’s something, right?

Coripa Condoms

Ranging from 3 inches to almost 10 inches with varying proportional widths, Coripa condoms has 55 options to choose from. Like TheyFit, Coripas predecessor, there’s a downloadable and printable measuring guide that easily allows you to measure width and girth. Again, they’re only available in the EU however you can get them at Condomania.

FYI: The reason the condoms are not currently available outside the EU market is due to the fact that the FDA hasn’t yet approved ‘fitted’ condoms for sale in the US. Your best bet is to go through a third party online sex toy retailer that ships to your location.

Final Verdict

So there you have it, hopefully this condom sizing guide will help make your next trip to the store far less stressful! Don’t forget, if you ever have any questions you can send them in via the handy form on my contact page.

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Sex Ed 102 Q&A: I like talking dirty, am I normal?

Question:

I got into a relationship almost a year ago (I’m now 18) and I just realized that I have a really big naughty side to me and am starting to show it. I don’t know why but just texting can sometimes get me excited and arouse me. He likes it and so do I, but people are making me feel like I’m a slut because of the way I am starting to act towards him which is making me feel bad about myself.

Is what I’m feeling normal? Am I really just a “slut”? I like talking dirty, am I normal?

Please help, I’m so confused!

Just Another Confused Teen

Answer

Dear JACT ,

Simply put – you’re normal! What you’re going through is very common and to be expected at your age. There is nothing wrong with you and it’s not something to be ashamed or embarrassed about.

What you’re experiencing is a natural part of puberty and something most teens experience between the ages of *10-17 for girls and *12-18 for boys (I use those numbers because they are what is commonly defined as a “teen”). This change in sexual awareness and arousal is due to changes in hormones that shift the body from childhood to being capable of reproduction.

This is a time that should be embraced as an opportunity for you to learn about your body, what you’re feeling sexually, and why, rather than worrying what other people think. That said, in regard to those who are calling you a “slut” or making you “feel like one”, I suggest you ignore them and learn to be gentler, kinder, and more accepting of yourself and your new found breach into womanhood.

In an effort to avoid further name calling I suggest that you keep your private life separate from those who feel the need to pass judgment. Not everyone needs to know what you’re doing or saying to him. That’s between you and he. If it is something that you would like to share, only do so with those that you feel comfortable with, trust, and know wont have any negative feedback.

Also keep in mind that if they haven’t yet, those who have been making you “feel like a slut” will soon discover that they too are experiencing sexual feelings towards others and like you, may not know whats going on or how to deal with it.

Hope that helped,
Kara_Sutra

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Sex Ed 102 Q&A: Non-Latex Condoms

Question:

Hi Kara, I just wanted to say that I love your videos and the new website! I have a question of my own that I don’t see anywhere so I figured I’d just send it in a message. My boyfriend and I have had sex before, we always use condoms but sometimes I get a rash or sore after. We’ve ruled most things out, however we were wondering if there were such things as non latex condoms and where we could get them?

I’d really appreciate an answer, even a video! Thanx in advance

Wondering in Wisconsin

Answer

Dear Wondering in Wisconsin,

Thanks for watching and supporting what I do!

There are condoms made out of materials other than latex but they tend to be pretty pricey. Having said that, if you’re on a budget and aren’t allergic to latex (as ruled out by a doctor), I’m going to suggest that you opt for less expensive latex condoms that come in larger quantities so you always have some on hand when the mood strikes. On that note, I suggest having your doctor test you for a latex allergy, just to be sure.

I’m also going to suggest seeing your doctor if after every time you have sex you break out in a rash. It might not be an allergy, but instead an STD. It’s nothing to be embarrassed or worried about, many healthy, happy, smart and loving individuals get STD’s.

As for the different types of condoms, should you decide to try them;

Lamb skin:

Trojan’s Naturalamb is one of the last remaining brands widely available. Some people who use them rave about their comfort, while others complain that there is a distinct farm-like smell to them. The most important thing to know about natural membrane condoms is that they do not provide protection from STDs — they are only effective as a barrier for contraception. Other than that they also tend to be far more expensive then the other non-latex condoms on the market.

While I don’t think I need to say this I’m going to – if you’re a vegan or vegetarian you probably won’t want to try them for obvious reasons.

Polyisoprene:

For people with latex allergies, SKYN condoms are an amazing breakthrough and, thankfully, a much more affordable option when it comes to offering protection against an unplanned pregnancy and STDs, including HIV. The feel of SKYN is noticeably different and much thinner than latex condoms. SKYN is made from a synthetic material called polyisoprene which is stretchy and form fitting unlike polyurethane condoms.

SKYN condoms are not as thin as polyurethane condoms, but in most cases they will fit better.

Polyurethane:

Polyurethane condoms are made of the same material the female condom is made from and are thought to provide protection against both pregnancy and STDs. Trojan Supra condoms are much thinner than standard latex condoms, and they are also made a bit larger (unlike latex, polyurethane doesn’t stretch, so the larger size is in part to prevent breakage). Another stated benefit of polyurethane is that it transmits heat better than latex, thus enhancing sensitivity.

Hope that helped and provided you with some of the options available, while also offering some info on each so you can find one that best suits your needs.

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Sex Ed 102: Male Sexual Enhancement, The Basics

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Sex Ed 102: Male Sexual Enhancement, The Basics

Since I started creating videos back in 2007 one of the issues I’ve continually covered is premature ejaculation. Whether inquiring about the various options available online, or natural ways of obtaining results, this seems to be something that effects a large portion of my readers/viewers. As such, I thought I’d finally answer in a series of articles that covers a large variety of options and products available, while also providing a video that hits on all the basics.

Before I go into the various products and natural methods available to you, I thought it best to provide some insight on the way the body functions during arousal, that way you’ll be able to fully understand how things work, how each option applies, and possibly find one that best fits your needs.

Above is my video on the Male Sexual Response Cycle, hopefully it’ll answer some of your questions. If not, keep reading, we’re just getting started…

A Bit About Erectile Dysfunction

As stated within the video, the penis becomes erect due to the flow of blood that’s directed to it during the first stage of arousal, and continues growing in intensity during the second. For some, this will be something that happens quickly and easily with little provocation, while others may find it’s a slow and difficult process.

For some achieving an erection won’t be the issue, instead maintaining one will prove to be the challenge. No matter the stimulation received – whether it’s visual or physical – their penis becomes flaccid in the heat of the moment, leaving them feeling frustrated, embarrassed, angry, and/or disappointed.

Whether you find yourself relating to the first or second paragraph doesn’t really matter. What matters is realizing it happens to people of all ages – from teens to 30 somethings and older – gay, straight, bi, trans, black, white or otherwise, and isn’t anything to be ashamed, embarrassed or humiliated by. It’s normal, natural, and to be expected from time to time. So normal in fact that over 18 million people aged 20 and over have had issues when it came to erectile dysfunction (study published in the February 1, 2007, issue of the American Journal of Medicine). Having said that, you’re definitely not alone.

Whether it’s minimal, moderate, or severe erection problems your dealing with, it’s important to note many things could be the possible cause including, but not limited to

physiological reasons (i.e. too much alcohol, medicine, drugs, smoking)
psychological reasons (i.e. performance anxiety, anger, exhaustion, stress, depression)
illness (i.e. heart disease, prostate cancer, diabetes, high blood pressure and other circulatory problems)
low testosterone (if you think this is an issue you can try some of the natural testosterone boosters found online, just check with your doctor beforehand to make sure they’re right for you)
a poor choice in diet (i.e. fatty, sugary, or processed foods)
an overall lack of physical fitness.

Regardless of the type of erectile difficulties you’re facing I do suggest speaking with a professional just to make sure a serious underlying health condition isn’t the cause.

Natural Methods

Taking all of that into consideration there are things you can do, outside of buying a product or popping a pill, that are worth trying.

Depending on your lifestyle you might want to make some changes in your diet and/or the chemicals you put in your body. If you’re used to eating a diet that’s heavy in fats or are a smoker (or take other recreational substances – read ‘drugs’) you might want to start eating a lean, low-fat, high-fiber diet and nip the fun stuff in the bud.

Since exercise is known to boost levels of HDL cholesterol (the good kind) you might want to get some exercise into your routine, not only will it possibly help you feel better (yay for endorphins!) but it’ll also help get the blood flowing, something that’s very important when it comes to erections.

Try not to stress or worry too much. I know that may seem a little silly or obvious, but many people fail to realize the impact their mental state has on their level of arousal, as well as maintaining it.

Lastly, take the time you need to become aroused and try not to rush things. Very often people just jump into bed without investing time in foreplay, in process often also limiting the level of arousal they’re experiencing – part of achieving an erection is being aroused, if you don’t take the time it may just have an effect.

Once you’ve ruled out health issues being the root cause, you could try a virtual online clinic specializing in PE programs for erectile dysfunction, or you could work with a doctor specializing in Erectile Dysfunction. There are also natural testosterone boosters available online that are worth looking into.

Sexual Enhancement Products

Maybe it’s just me but the term ‘sexual enhancement products’ seems pretty straight forward, but for those of you still on a learning curve – they’re products designed to aid in enhancing the sexual experience of the person using them.

Like many other intimate accessories they come in a wide variety of shapes, sizes, colours, materials, methods of application and work in different ways. Whether you like the feeling of something that cools, warms, desensitizes (numbs), or tingles, there’s a range of options available. Not to mention products that work by drawing more blood to the area being stimulated (usually the penis), or limiting the flow of blood from the area and helping to maintain its firmness. Basically put, in the world of male sexual enhancement, there’s definitely lots to choose from.

In an attempt to help you deal with the issues listed above, while also providing a little bit of pleasure, I’ve listed a multitude of male sexual enhancement products within the different parts of this series. Hopefully between the information presented here and the mini product reviews (links below), you’ll be able to find a product, or mixture of products, that will work for you and your specific needs and wants.