Over the last 7 years of reviewing sex toys a lot of craptastic things have come my way. Some bored me, others gave me migraine inducing headaches, one had me ‘flailing like a maniac having a carpal tunnel fit‘, another was complete and utter torture. I’ve even gone so far as to liken a vibrator to a rabid bunny bashing at my bits. Ok, so that wasn’t the exact quote, but it’s close enough.
And that’s just the sex toy fails I’ve written about.
Not surprisingly there are more, many more. Most of which found themselves dumped in an over sized storage bin and tucked in the furthest corner of my closet never to be seen again…. until the desperate need to purge rolled around. Which leads us to this post.
Rather than spouting off my opinion based on appearances alone, which is what I tend to do with the horrors found in my #WTFWednesday posts, I’ve tested each of these (or had someone try, as was the case with the masturbators) and either thought they were so ridiculous that I couldn’t bring myself to write a full review, or had one session with them and said ‘nope, not doing this again’, banishing them to the bin forevermore.
Even with my displeasure, I’ll admit they’re not all horrible, heck some of you might even own a few and like them. But for me, these were deal breakers; sex toy fails I’ll never use again and couldn’t bare to dump on unsuspecting friends. That shit would just be cruel.
Once upon a time I was a huge fan of rabbit vibes. There was something so alluring about slipping one inside, pushing a button or two, and laying back like a lazy little b while it did all the work. It was around this period that I acquired the Rhythm O Bounding Bunny, a dual vibe I thought to be promising. However, after one use I realized it would be better off as roadkill…
Rather than your typical metal balls or pearls, the ‘rotations’ are carried out via what appears to be a half cob of corn covered by a heavy layer of saran wrap. And the spinning action, let’s just say the kernels undulate rather than turn… so not only are you having sex with thickly wrapped dinner left overs, now they’ve apparently been eaten by a transparent snake that’s writhing around inside your vadge. Get the visual, yeah not very hot is it?
Aside from that it’s heavy, big and bulky, isn’t very ergonomic, has far too many buttons controlling different things (making it difficult to manage when it’s stuffed inside you), is made of TPE (so although phthalate free, it’s still porous and can’t be fully sterilized), attracts lint and fluff like you wouldn’t believe, and requires 4 AAA batteries. Oh, and as an added bonus, any time you clench your PC muscles, it stops. Maybe I just don’t know my own strength. *smirk*
Everything considered, the vibe isn’t terrible, but it’s not great either. I’d say it lands somewhere between meh and blah. Not exactly the place you want to find your product sitting with a well versed sex toy reviewer. Sadly, the only thing it has going for it is the decently powerful clitoral stimulator, but you can find something similar without all the bulk or hefty price tag in a standard vibrating egg.
If you’re dead set on a dual vibe, one that’s body safe, rechargeable, and doesn’t look like a cob of corn, take a gander at a few other luxury options like the Lelo Ina 2, Je Joue Fifi, OhMiBod Freestyle W Rabbit, Vanity Vr6, or Envy Seven. For those of you looking for something cheaper, there’s the Fun Factory Tango, Joya Tulip, the unconventional Rock Chick, or maybe something within the Entice collection of dual vibes. Trust me, any of them are better than that damn bounding bunny
Fleshlight Blade & Fleshjack Sword
I’ve been a fan of Fleshlight ever since I finger fucked one in the poorly lit corner of a sex shop nine years ago. The realistic appearance, soft and plush texture, and ergonomic design instantly gave birth to a penis envy I still can’t shake.
Don’t get me wrong, I get it, people want the option to control how tight something is and giving them a masturbator with a squishy body probably seemed like a really great idea, but here’s the problem; it just doesn’t work that well.
Before I go on let me say that the experience, i.e. what the sleeves deliver, is true to form and exactly what it should be with any Fleshlight. But that’s where the fun stops. There’s no other way to say it than these versions feel cheap, flimsy, and just don’t live up to the standard I’ve grown accustom to.
Judging by exterior appearances they don’t look too bad; they’re highly detailed, original in design, and come in bright blue or gold casings. However, for as attractive as they are, I wouldn’t say they’re discreet. Rather than blending into the background these bad boys stick out like a sore thumb. I won’t lie, if I saw something made of bright blue plastic that looked like the end of a sword, I’d sure as hell ask what it was, if not reach out and open it myself. Then again I’m nosy like that.
As for the sleeves, they have smaller openings, are shorter in length, and sport thinner bodies than the original designs. If you bought a Fleshlight and found it to be too large, you might like them, but if you’re someone with a larger than average sized penis, you’ll probably have issues with insertion and use.
Also, I’ve been told they make a distracting ‘pffft’ sound with each thrust; unlike the original Fleshlight whose suction can be adjusted via a screw cap on the bottom, Blade and Sword have four little holes where the air gets pushed through during use. Not only is your experience slightly limited because of this, but as an added bonus you’ve now got four ways for the lube to dribble to the floor. Yay! #sarcasm.
On top of all that, the original versions are much easier to reassemble, just give them a good wash, cornstarch them up, and slide into place for safe keeping. Not the case with Blade or Sword. One of my testers went into graphic detail about how he used the end of his toothbrush to ‘angrily jam it into place’ while muttering profanities at it. Certainly not how a fake pussy should be treated.
Oh, and once you finally do get the sleeve back in the cover, the cap refuses to stay put. Push with all your might, force it if you have to, just know that no matter what you do, all your Sword/Blade wants to do is go commando. One knock to the floor and it’s game over, I’m not even referring to the lint they’ll pick up. If you ask me, Fleshlight did it right the first time around. #ScrewCapForTheWin.
Lastly, they kinda look like you’re fucking a pussy or ass that’s a pear. Literally. Probably not a big deal for many of you, but if you’re into banging edibles, may I instead suggest a hollowed pumpkin? One can only assume it’d be a lot more accommodating, cheaper too!
With everything I disliked about these two I think you’d be better off snagging an original Fleshlight or a Fleshlight Vibro. Looking for something a little smaller? the three different Sex In a Can versions are much better options. Want a good deal? Check my Fleshlight sale page, I’ve collected the best sales and even listed a few combo packs and products you won’t easily find on the website.
Bacon Flavored Lube
When it comes to bacon flavored foods there’s a lot that I ‘get’. Take smokey bacon Lays potato chips for example, it’s a no-brainer. Bacon flavored pancakes, delish. Beggin strips, probably the only thing my dog would leave me for. Baconnaise, that shit’s just necessary (it’s vegan too!). Bloody Caesar’s rimmed with bacon salt and spiked with Bakon Vodka, now you’re speaking my language.
However, when you start getting into the realm of bacon flavored gumballs, bacon sunscreen, bacon chocolate bars, bacon lollipops, bacon lip balm, or bacon soda, among other things, it’s time to take a step back and reassess the situation.
Then there’s Bacon Flavored Lube… and almost instantly everything in me screams no, JUST. NO.
I’m going to be blatantly honest and say there is no point in time when I want to go down on a partner whose junk smells like it was just flipped out of a frying pan and served up with all day breakfast. And in the off chance that I absolutely had to, I’d hope to be pleasantly surprised. Instead what you’re greeted with is much closer to licking a pan where bacon grease was left cooling to a white coating, than what you’d get from eating actual bacon. It’s salty, musty, thick and pungent, slightly sweet, and wrong on every level. I think my partner summed it up best when he said “it’s bacony, but it’s disgusting!”
Making matters worse, the scent lingers long after you’ve attempted to lick/wash it off. My word of advice, don’t go to the dog park after. It’s creepy, and depending on who’s in the park that day, could potentially land you in the hospital. Or jail. #guardyourprivates
Also, it’s billed as a ‘personal lubricant and massage oil’. Considering I have a hard enough time stomaching the lube idea, the massage oil takes it to a whole other level. Why anyone would want to be slicked down with simulated bacon grease just so they could be massaged into a stinking mess is beyond me. Shit, I might understand if it was actually good, but it’s not. I say again, ‘it’s bacony, but it’s disgusting!”
Being a lover of flavored lubes I have no problem admitting there’s a certain charm to ones that smell like desert, fruits, or other goodness, but there is nothing charming about the smell of cooked meat on someone’s privates. Period.
Rather than assaulting your taste buds with the horrific concoction that is bacon lube, I’d suggest any of the Sliquid flavored lubes, System Jo Tangerine Dream, Raspberry Sorbet, or Chocolate Dream, Intimate Organics Macadamia Nut, or Cinnamon Vanilla by Good Clean Love. None of them taste like the crap J&D’s make, and they’re better lubes because of it.
So there you have it, the first edition of my big bin of sex toy fails.
Like what you read? Make sure to sign up for my mailing list below and be the first to know when I add another 4 next month… here’s a few hints as to what they might be; one’s a ‘collectors dildo’ created by a designer, another would be much better as a kids stuffed tooth to prep for dentist visits, one tastes like a medicine I was given when I was 12 and had tonsillitis, the last had me terrified while bathing in murky bathwater. Trust me, you don’t want to miss out!
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