For all the people who want to pass judgement on who they think I am, based on what they see in my videos and within this website…
I’m sorry if I know what it means to fully live and enjoy everyday like its the last. To be silly and not care about what anyone really thinks, or shy away from the things in life that I find fascinating, horrifying, outrageous, frightening, or beautiful.
I am who I am and that’s all I can be.
I misbehave, I talk loudly and with error at times. I push limits and buttons. I think freely and try my best to be positive in this crippled world. I hug and hold tightly. I hope and I pray and I try to have faith in people, life, love, lessons, and the fact that eventually everything will work out exactly as planned. I trust. I make an ass of myself daily, I joke, and take silly pictures. I banter, and swear, and yell, sometimes aggressively and at other times for the sheer humor in it. I say whats on my mind and I don’t pretend to be something I’m not.
I suck where love is concerned… not because I don’t know how to love… I think if there is one thing I am very good at, it’s loving, but because most people mistaken me for someone that I am not, and in the wake of fully knowing who I am, they disregard the good, in search of the bad, an excuse or reason to run from that which frightens them, because somewhere along the way they were treated unfairly, or used, or manipulated, or cheated on, or were told and believed they didn’t deserve or weren’t good enough, or worthy of love… the unconditional kind (*the only kind I know of), or that someone might actually get them and love them for who and/or how they are without the false pretenses or the masks. Without the criticisms or judgements. Without the needing to own, but instead share, grow, and flourish, allowing full freedom because that’s what unconditional love does, or did, before we grew up, got bitter and were told not to believe in such things.
I take risks, laugh loudly, taunt, harass to get my way. I say things that are politically incorrect. I listen and I talk, sometimes my responses or suggestions of advice are outright wrong, but I try and that’s what matters. I care and I do what I feel is necessary or called for in that moment. I believe in love and in the good in people. I reach out, wear my heart on my sleeve, babble way too much. I am far more transparent then I think I am. I make mistakes. I feel, I cry, I heal. I stir the pot and dance and sing (*again loudly). I rebel, I don’t take life seriously, I scream, shout, bleed, persist.
I respect people and their boundaries. I can sit at a dinner table in a restaurant and know how and when to “behave”. I can carry a conversation with a pauper or a millionaire. I’m probably a lot more educated then people give me credit for. I am proud of what I have accomplished so far. I am kind and considerate. I give the shirt off my back or the penny in my pocket. I’m quiet and shy (*yes there are those moments too). I second guess myself. I’m insecure at times. I beat myself up, and I forgive, sometimes even when I know I shouldn’t, but if you cant forgive, you’ll never forget and somethings aren’t worth holding onto. I read often and usually have more then one book on the go at once. I write, from the heart, from my soul. I have dreams of one day being bigger then I ever believed was possible. I let people know that they are loved, and why, and encourage them to be honest and real because that really is the best you can hope for in a person…
…somewhere down this long and winding road, I’ll find her… the woman inside of me… who piece by piece is coming together, through all of the lessons I’m learning and the paths that are unfolding before me. I’ll find her… the little girl who got lost somewhere along the way, and the fully grown woman who found her way back home to where the heart is.
And while I’m on this road of discovery I will continue to make no excuses for who I am, or how I am, or the way I behave.
After all, I’m just a girl, like any other girl…who wants to belong.
Take me or leave me. For better or worse… I am who I am.
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