Stay Tuned! The Best & Worst Sex Toys – 2014 will be released Dec. 28th!
It’s that time of year again, when all the sex toy reviewers round up their fave products and list them in a ‘best of ’ post for all of you. I’ve done a few of these myself, offering up things I loved in 2010, and 2012 (2011 I was a lazy little bitch so that year didn’t get one), but this year I’m going to do things a little differently…
Rather than including just the things I reviewed in 2013, I’m going to list the products that continually served me well throughout the year, regardless of the year they were made, when I obtained them, or when they were first reviewed.
So here it is, for my last post of the year, on the last day of the year…
The Best & Worst Sex Toys of 2013!
FYI, the list isn’t in any order, just a compilation of my faves and not so faves as they came to me. Don’t pun that.
1.) First up, the famous Hitachi Magic Wand, or as it’s now been stupidly renamed, the Magic Wand Original. This baby has served me well since the day it arrived on my doorstep back in 2011. The deep and rumbly vibrations are strong enough to get me off in just under 3 minutes. The cushioned head is beyond comfortable. Even when drunk it does what it’s supposed to. Sure, after a few libations it might take a tad longer than normal, but its never failed me and that’s what matters. As Epiphora said, “BRUTE STRENGTH”. Honestly, I don’t know what I would do without it. It’s my end all, be all. If you grab something in 2014, make it the Magic Wand. It might be a little strong at first, but that’s nothing a layer of clothing can’t fix.
Watch my video review of the Hitachi Magic Wand.
2.) One of the very first vibes I used and abused until it finally died after 3 years of mistreatment was the Pocket Rocket. Convinced buying another would be a waste of money (struggling student, you know the drill), I opted to rely on old faithful… a set of fingers lubed with spit. A heavy masturbation session later, one that left my fingers cramped and clit rubbed raw, I realized just how useful my Pocket Rocket was. That was 8 years ago. If those were dog years it would be 45. Unreal. It still travels with me every place I go (most recently Paris & London) and has a permanent spot in my nightstand. If I could go back in time I’d cunt punch myself for holding out on the $20 it cost to replace it. When it comes to cheap but reliable clit vibes, look no further than the Pocket Rocket.
Watch my video review of the Pocket Rocket.
3.) The We-Vibe Touch was another I loved until it died, though its sad death went the same as my Lelo Ina, at the murderous jaws of a teething puppy (rather than due to my overuse and carelessness). Like my Pocket Rocket, I debated buying a replacement, trying to find reasons I should hold off on spending the big bucks on such a thing… then I remembered how it felt in my hand, so comfortable, so sleek, with little to no cramping of the wrist and a silicone coating that was easy to grasp. And the vibrations, those lovely deep vibrations. If good orgasms were going to be a thing of my future, I needed another Touch. And so it was, my Touch was replaced and I haven’t looked back since. 2013 was a better year because of it.
Read my review of the We-Vibe Touch.
4.) The Gigi is shaped like the Lelo Ella, targets the g-spot like few others, has decent enough vibrations to satisfy, is easy to operate, fully rechargeable, and is made of velvety smooth silicone. I use it most days when I want the Ella but need vibrations to get off. In 2014, I’m looking forward to the Gigi 2.
5.) On the flip side, there’s the G-Ki. I’ve loved this thing since the day I first used it. The vibrations are a tad stronger than Gigi, it’s fully rechargeable, has a lovely seamless silicone coating, is easy to maneuver and operate, is ergonomic, and best of all – has 5 different positions that allow it to fit my bodies needs with the bend of a locking shaft. I’m sure something will eventually replace these two, but as far as 2013 goes, they were perfect.
6.) Nothing compares to the Lelo Ella when it comes to targeted g-spot stimulation (likely why I still love the Gigi so much). The curved but flattened head make it perfect for direct pressure, and when gently rocked or thrust, hooks behind the g-spot adding another level of sensation. It’s even more perfect when I’ve got a vibe pressed on my clit. With the exception of my Bent Graduate, Ella is the only other toy I could count on to make me squirt. Also, the handle can be turned around and used as a basic dildo. Genius.
Read my mini-review of the Lelo Ella.
7. – 10.) Speaking of basic, for days I want something inserted but cant be bothered to make much of an effort, it doesn’t get better than the Fun Factory Amor, Babes ‘n Horny Kusama, Tantus Medium Silk, or Vixen Creations Tex. Yes that’s four, but to choose one over the others is nearly impossible. I love them all for very similar reasons; they’re crafted out of body safe silicone, are neither too big nor too small, insert effortlessly, have rounded bases so mounting is easy, are ridiculously comfortable once inserted, and best of all have little to no ridges or bumps so clean up is easy. If you want bare bones basic, each of these dildos has it in spades.
11.) There are other days when I want something a bit more fulfilling, something challenging and full of texture, something with weight behind it, taking orgasms to another level, leaving me worked over. For those days I grabbed the Divine Interventions Virgin Mary. Crafted out of body safe silicone, Mary’s shape and design stimulates internally with every thrust, and the girth and length provide fullness without jabbing my bits. The base is a set of leg? balls? meh, so holding on, flipping around, and/or maneuvering is simple. Sure, it’s a bit out of the ordinary and fairly sacrilegious, but I’m willing to withstand eternal damnation for something this good.
Review of the Divine Interventions Virgin Mary coming 2014. Read my review of the Diving Nun, it’s slightly larger, and almost as good as Mary.
12.) There are many times throughout the year when decadence is necessary and only the best will do… as in the Crystal Delights Small Frosted or Clear Glass Plugs. Both are handmade of Borosilicate glass, feel otherworldly once inside, are easy to care for, will last a lifetime, and with genuine Swarovski crystals embedded in the base, offer luxury most other butt plugs can’t. Considering I failed at cramming things in my butt
like hoped this year, these made my ass feel like it had done something very special, every time.
13.) If you read about it in my 2012 list (it was #8), I don’t know what else there is I can say about the Liberator Fascinator Throe that I haven’t said already. It’s still holding up like new, hasn’t leaked once, still travels with me most places, and is something everyone should have. Like literally EVERYONE. Okay, so this isn’t a ‘sex toy‘ per se, but over the last 2 years I’ve used it almost every time I’ve diddled or had sex. That’s a big deal. Like I said, EVERYONE. SHOULD. HAVE. ONE.
Read my review of the Liberator Fascintaor Throe.
There were a few other products I used, though not with the same amount of loyalty or frequency as the others, leading them to end the year with an honorable mention rather than a spot in my Top 13.
I kept telling myself 2013 was going to be the year of full out assault, however it took me until December to try a few new things. Even then I wasn’t overly impressed with myself. Five toys in yer butt (separately of course) does not an epic year make. When I did finally get around to it I was lucky enough to have the Tantus Meteorite. It’s like a finger but thinner, significantly more bendy, not at all overwhelming, easy to insert, has a better base than you’ll find on most, and looks like what would happen if Fruit Loops and Original Life Savers birthed a sex toy. Awesome! If there was one new find I’m grateful for this past year, it’s the Meteorite.
Read my review of the Tantus Meteorite.
The Tantus Neo is another plug that appeared at the end of the year, though in reality it arrived much sooner… the box it was in got tucked away with a bunch of Christmas decorations, only to be found as the season rolled around. Yes, I suck. And yes, I misplace sex toys ALL. THE. TIME. Even though it’s a little larger than I’m used to, it’s totally doable, and with the right amount of prepping is surprisingly comfortable. I’ve only used it a handful of times so far, but if 2014 is the year my ass gets a good work out, I think it might just end up one of my favorite butt toys.
Review of the Tantus Neo coming 2014.
Things That Left Me Disappointed
I hated this piece of junk in 2012, and I still hate it now. It’s a serious space hog, and although it is powerful, it’s also fucking awkward and useless. If I had my way the Rock Box would be pitched off a balcony from the highest floor and smashed to bits. Stupid Rock Box IS STILL STUPID. That’s all I’m going to say about that.
*to be honest, I’ve only held onto it so I could make two videos; one of me bashing it in a review, the other of me taking a bat to it. Seriously. I’m gonna go all Office Space on this bitch. It will be EPIC.
The Tantus T-Rex is the only dildo I’ve held onto in the hopes my vag will accept it willing (rather than while sauced on decent Tequila). I’m not sure what got the idea in my head, but I was certain 2013 would be the year I’d finally own this beast… sadly it just didn’t happen. So yes, I’m still disappointed. Though that’s more with myself then what Tantus has offered up. For all intense and purposes, it’s a work of art that most size queens would drool over. A size queen I am not. Vagina, you disappoint me.
Read my review of the Tantus T-Rex.
I often wonder what the fuck Lelo was thinking when they created Ida. A twirling internal vibrator I understand. Couples vibes I understand. Remote controls I understand. Most of what Lelo does I understand. But this weird combination of all of the above, I don’t. It’s not that comfortable, tears condoms to pieces, is not easy to get the hang of without a manual, isn’t very powerful, and it’s not shaped right for clitoral stimulation. All I have to say is, Lelo, please go back to the drawing board and make this pain in the ass better. Thanks.
Read my review of the Lelo Ida.
With the love I have for We-Vibe, Thrill was a product I had really high hopes for. Yes, it got me off. Yes, it was relatively easy to use. And yes, a company I respect created it. But the vibrations leave much to be desired, and the design just wasn’t up to par. Lets just say that after a few more goes with it I was unimpressed.
Read my review of the We-Vibe Thrill.
So there you have it, my best and worst sex toys of 2013! Hopefully between this and my other yearly lists you’ll be able to find something worth your hard earned cash, and if you’re left wondering, remember you can always use my contact form to ask any questions you might have.
Also, now’s a really good time to start looking for sex toy deals and discounts, especially since many retailers are looking to unload back stocked items. Need help with where to start, check my sex toy sale page.
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