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Things That Need To Stop

During a slightly drunken tirade brought on by a shit tonne of dirty martinis, anger towards the industry in which I work and the twitter hashtag #thingsthatneedtostop (things that need to stop), I came to find that I was not alone in my frustration, as many of the complaints I had were also felt by others within the sex positive community. So at the request of someone that truly inspires me, I’ve decided to compile my list (and slightly expand on it) in the hopes that it might positively affect a change in some way or another.

So, if you’re someone who ‘works’ within the scene (bloggers, reviewers, manufacturers, retailers, educators etc) and are in support of this, feel free to retweet it and/or add your thoughts. This isn’t just about me, this is about all of us working together to create an environment of understanding, respect, acceptance and professionalism – even if it was born out of the blissful truth alcohol often provides.

For those of you interested, this sort of goes hand in hand with my Open Letter To Manufactures, Retailers and Consumers, read it if you’d like, then make the effort to affect a change.

*the list is in no particular order of importance, I’m copying it from the way the booze permitted it to flow.

Things That Need To Stop

1.) Social Media/Video sites disallowing Sexual Education & assuming it’s all shameful info.

Maybe it’s just my experience but it seems that anytime a sharing site views the tag ‘sex’ moderators instantly think it’s referring to a hardcore gonzo movie filled with gaping holes, full frontal nudity, creamy facials, spread eagle dudes taking it rough doggie styles and rim jobs.  Not that there is anything shameful about watching porn or getting off to it, quite the contrary. It’s just that it’s the only thing I can see being removed or considered ‘inappropriate’ in this instance. And while I understand the need to be diligent when deleting content that could potentially harm a websites online social standing (read “stock holders interests”), I just can’t get my head around how a positive view toward sexuality, engaging viewers to think consciously about their sexual practices and encouraging ownership of ones own sexual exploration is even close to the scene I previously mentioned. Sex is not porn. Sex is not bad. Sex is just sex. Get the fuck over it and let those who seek to educate do our job.

*Fortunately twitter hasn’t fallen prey to those who feel that sex positive content needs to be censored like Facebook, YouTube and even Craigslist. I’ve got my fingers crossed that it stays that way, but as more corporate advertisers get involved I wouldn’t bet on it.

2.) Shitty companies that make garbage products being the ‘mainstream”. “Our Jelly Toys Are The Best!”

If there is one thing that seriously pisses me off when it comes to ‘mainstream’ manufacturers it’s the fact that the vast majority of them are the ones creating harmful and cheap products that do nothing more than leach chemicals and fall apart after a few uses. Excuse me for saying so, but it’s high time companies that produce quality products like Tantus, Sliquid, Crystal Delights, Vixen Creations, Fun Factory, Lelo, Standard Innovations (We-Vibe) and Njoy (to name a bunch) became the industry standard by which everything else was measured. Of course part of the problem here is educating the customer to know crap from quality, something that becomes increasingly difficult as more sites are choosing to censor sex positive educators

3.) Expecting fantastic reviewers to NOT get paid for their work. At the end of the day IT’S WORK! Not fun. Well okay it *is* fun…but a shit tonne of free dildos & lube don’t pay the rent. Ya heard! 

If I had a dollar for every time someone wrote and asked me to review something, offering a “free” product as payment, I’d have a lot more money to put toward my consumption of booze and time to rage on twitter.  Unfortunately you can’t buy drinks with dildos, sure you can stir them but with many being rather girthy it gets kind of messy and wastes alcohol. And we all know wasting alcohol is just stupid.

All jokes aside, at the end of the day it’s reviewers that take countless hours out of their day to write the review, spread it through social media outlets (where your company had no pull), answer questions about your product to help generate sales, directed sales to your site, offered search engine optimization that built up your online rankings and given you direct access to a target market that would have otherwise been inaccessible – with all of it done UNPAID, except for that “free” dildo of course.  Maybe it’s just me but that just doesn’t seem fair. Nor does it make the dildo something that was “free”.

So here it is and I’ll say it again: people need to get paid for their work.

Whether it’s paying for the actual content, offering up an affiliate program (where they can make a commission), or creating some form of a reward system so they can save money on other products. The actual way of making it worth our while doesn’t really matter to me, it’s getting people rewarded for their work that does.

4.) Trying to buy reviewers opinions. Product features are just that. Reviews are HONEST experiences & reactions.

While this may seem like common sense I feel the need to explain something just so there are no more misunderstandings:

Review [ri-vyoo] noun: a critical evaluation, a formal assessment or examination of something, a general survey, a report or account of something. – simply put, reviews are opinions based on the personal experience(s) had by the reviewer. They include the good, all the little things that make the product/experience what it was, and should include the bad (if there was anything bad), offering consumers the opportunity to make an informed decision regarding their future purchase(s).

Product Placement/Feature: If you want someone to write glowing words about your product without actually having tried it, therefore providing little detail toward the actual experience, you want a product placement/feature.  Actually, what you’re asking is for someone to write a bunch of bullshit about your product.  My advice, don’t expect much, don’t try to control their work and yes, be sure to pay them, well; if they’re going to sell out you might as well make it worth their while.

*for the record, while I do get paid for my work none of my opinions have ever been bought, nor do I offer any editorial control to those that provide products for me to review.

5.) Lying to customers about the quality of products or saying something is what it’s not. TPR is NOT silicone. 

Simply put, don’t stuff a jelly vibe in my Vag and tell me it’s silicone. My vagina is classy and only likes the best of the best, anything else and I get unruly, miserable and volatile.  And yes, I do know the difference. It’s my own fault really, I’m spoiled. I can’t help it, my vagina deserves it!  Don’t make me punish you because I unknowingly punished myself. You lie, you get cut. That’s just how it works. 

 6.) Thinking every reviewer/sex educator/porn star wants to see a picture of your dick. WE DONT! Get over yourself!

If I had a dollar for every time this happened I’d get a least a months worth of rent covered.  Maybe two. For those that do it because they’re genuinely concerned about their Johnson, here’s something you may not have thought of yet – go see a doctor! I’m not a medical professional that can treat or diagnose you, neither are the majority of porn stars or reviewers. If we wanted to see a dick we’d watch a porn, then probably whack off and write a review. It’s that simple.

7.) Spamming reviewers w/ mass emails if they don’t respond to the 1st you send. We likely read it, then deleted it.

Okay, I know how bitchy that really sounded, and I totally admit that I very often get a backlog of messages making staying up to date rather difficult, but the truth is – if you’ve sent a message more than twice and haven’t gotten a response, it’s likely because the person a.) didn’t like the website b.) didn’t like the products you were offering 3.) thought you came off as a total conceited dickhead d.) already knows about your company and doesn’t want anything to do with it or e.) all of the above. Sending another 5 emails won’t change our minds. If anything it’ll just piss us off and make us block/delete you. Be nice and carry good stock, that’s all we’re asking for.

8.) Being impatient w/ reviews. Unless you do it you have no idea how hard it is to write a review…especially when it’s on a near daily basis, for things that are exceptionally similar or hard to put into words. Reviewers block happens.

I’ll be totally and completely honest here: I literally have a bin of products in a back log just waiting to be reviewed, most of which are in various forms of 2nd and 3rd drafts (I usually ‘test’ products 6 times, adding or changing things to the review as the experiences allow). Having said that, writing every day can be exhausting and often leads to a serious case of reviewers block/sex toy burn out. And while we may be very professional at what we do, we only have so many holes and so many hours in the day. Be patient, it’ll get done, and when it does it’ll probably be far better than you’d expect.

9.) Not giving reviewers the credit they deserve. Without them who would vouch for your product or help *sell* it?

There are some companies that are amazing when it comes to helping reviewers get off the ground, gain experience and treat them with the respect and understanding they deserve. On the flip side there are those that don’t seem to give two shits about the very person who is helping to expose the brand to an online market they would otherwise be unable to reach. Whether companies like it or not the sex toy reviewing army is the bridge to your target market, play nice with them and they’ll promote you in ways you probably didn’t know existed. Be shitty and you’ll forever regret it. Trust me on this one.

10.) Ripping off other companies ideas & trying to make a profit. Let the independent creators be for crying out loud!

I’ve seen it time and time again; little guy comes on the scene with a line of products that are truly inspiring (Njoy, Jollies, O’My to name a few), they start to sell and little guy begins to get some acknowledgment, big guy comes along and sees little guys product, thinks to himself “I can make that, and with my huge manufacturing plant I can do it at a fraction of the cost”, big guy steals little guys design (because he either didn’t know to patent it or couldn’t afford to), big guy markets it as his own, little guy tries to fight it but can’t afford to go up against big guy since finances are limited, big guy offers the products at a lower prices to a wider range of retailers and takes a large portion of the little guys market, little guy can’t afford to keep creating and shuts down shop. It’s sad. It’s unfair. It’s bullshit. It needs to stop.

This doesn’t just go for sex toys, this goes for the way the whole friggin world works. If you see something you like, buy it from the original person that made it. That’s the only way to stop this shit from happening. Even better, boycott the big guys that steal from the little guy and make sure everyone knows why you’re boycotting. Awareness, like knowledge, is power. Use it.

11.) Thinking ALL sex toy companies are the same. They’re not! Usually separated by motive. #passion vs #greed –

While the vast majority of manufacturers/retailers within the adult market are only in it to make a buck off your lack of product knowledge, there are quite a few that pride themselves on not only being eco-friendly but also wanting to offer the very best of the very best to their customers. Yes, they want to make money – if they didn’t how could they operate – but they’re not willing to place personal pocket change over user safety.

*The below lists might help when it comes to finding a company to support and buy from (I’ve provided two links  1.) The Manufacturers website  2.) Either the Manufacturers website via my affiliate link, or a site that carries the items via my affiliate link  –  if you buy through the affiliated links I get the credit – thanks for helpin a sista out!)

Manufacturers I’m fans of : Tantus (affiliated link), Vixen Creations (affiliated link), Happy Valley (affiliated link), Njoy (affiliated link), Bad Dragon, Lelo (affiliated link), LEAF (affiliated link), OhMiBod, Fleshlight, Fun Factory (affiliated link), Crystal ID, Jimmy Jane, Je Joue (affiliated link), Sliquid (affiliated link), System Jo (affiliated link), We-Vibe (affiliate link), Intimate Organics (affiliated link), Trust Intimacy Oil (there’s many more, I just didn’t want to overwhelm you too soon).

Retailers I’m fans of : SheVibe, Babeland, Eden Fantasys, My Tickle Spot, PinkCherry

12.) Thinking Sexual Education = Educators saying “go out & get laid everyday!!”. It’s about making informed decisions and helping people become empowered.

I’d go into further detail with this one but its pretty self explanatory.  All we’re trying to do is help others make responsible decisions and participate in activities knowing the full scope of possible consequences.

13.) Thinking that sexuality, sex, etc is shameful, disgusting, embarrassing & crude. Sex happens. We all do it.

Again I’m not going into detail. You get it. You wouldn’t be reading this if you didn’t.

14.) Trying to persuade reviewers that your new thing is THE new thing & we MUST have it to review! #beentheredonethat

Sorry to all the inventors, creators and dreamers who were offended by this one. I really didn’t mean for it to sound so shitty, but the truth is, while we appreciate your enthusiasm and passion we don’t need you to ‘sell’ us on the idea. We get it. And like the drunk person at the bar who keeps trying to convince us to go home with them because they’ll be “the best we ever had” (or some similar load of horse crap), your passion can be misconstrued and put us off of an otherwise amazing concept or idea. Basically put, it’s not about the product, it’s about the approach. If you’re real with us we’ll more than likely happily take the product for review, be persuasive/persistent and we’ll likely be annoyed and remain unimpressed.

15.) Not offering reviewers a way to make a living doing something they love. #hardwork should be #rewarded

This goes hand in hand with #3, #4 and #9. We work our asses off (sometimes literally) to offer something you can’t; an honest review of the product that covers everything a person would want to know before they buy. And although most of us work from home, it doesn’t mean we’re not slaving away over word choices, grammar or linking strategies to help build up your company. If you get paid to do what you do, so should we. Period.

*I’m re-posting from #3 just to make sure I get my point across:  Whether it’s paying for the actual content, offering up an affiliate program (where they can make a commission), or creating some form of a reward system so they can save money on other products. The actual way of making it worth our while doesn’t really matter to me, it’s getting people rewarded for their work that does.

16.) Asking for previews of reviews so that you can make changes if you don’t like the way it’s written. Previews are fine if it’s so that you can quote, link to or help promote, but to *change* content – you should have just done it yourself.

I don’t know about anyone else but I do not grant editorial control over my work to anyone for any reason, and when I’m courted by a company I make to let them know I’ll be writing an honest review of my experience. If they don’t like it they can go elsewhere. That’s not what I’m about.

17.) Not supporting your favourite reviewers. If you like what they do, buy through their links. It helps. Trust me!

This one is for the folks that read the reviews and watch the videos; if you like the work a reviewers done and are going to buy the products mentioned make sure to do so through their links.  Not only does it show the company that they’ve drawn traffic to the website (which makes the company want to continue working with them), it also provides a small portion of pocket change to keep doing something they love.

*for those that think reviewers are raking in the dough… nothing could be further from the truth. The amount most reviewers make is minimal. Maybe it’ll pay for groceries for the week. Maybe it’ll cover the internet and phone bills. Maybe it’ll help cover some of the rent. Just know that what many reviewers make is just enough to help and doesn’t support them 100%.

18.) Thinking that all reviewers are sex crazed whores that just want to f*ck all day. Some are/do, most don’t/aren’t.

Sorry, I have to correct myself on this one. We’re all sluts. The whole lot of us. There’s no one that could ever satisfy our greedy lust for smooth and supple silicone and the way it fills us. No man could ever please us. No woman could be enough. It’s why we bang various colored dildos and vibes every chance we get.  A raging hard-on just ain’t good enough for our spoiled holes anymore. So sorry to have to let you know this way, I just think it’s time I came clean for everyone’s sake <- sarcasm. *head desk* *head desk* *head desk*

*you have no idea how badly I want to fly into a rant about how liberating it is to take ownership of ones own sexuality and how wonderful it feels to know yourself more intimately than anyone else ever could… but I’ll save that for another post.

19.) Thinking that all reviewers are doing it for a “money grab” – most of us only review quality goods that are well made, created by companies we trust & help us educate in some way or another. We do it because we love it.#loveyourjoborquit

While I can’t speak for anyone else I can personally say that the main goal (for reviewing) has always been to expose my audience to a wide range of products that are easy to use, quality, crafted out of body safe materials and worthy of owning. If a product is poorly made, crafted out of materials that are sub-par, or breaks down after a few uses – 9 times out of 10 I won’t bother to review it. It’s just not worth my time (which could be spent exploring and experiencing products I do love), and definitely not worth yours (or your money).  Having said that, the reviews will be honest and offer info on the things I didn’t like about the product, I’m just not going to accept a product I know I’ll hate just so I can write a horrible review… if I had expectations that I’d like it and ended up not, you can bet your sweet ass I’ll let you know.

20.) Using horribly sexist/crude/violent/misogynistic descriptions for products. It doesn’t help anyone.

I covered this in my Open Letter To Manufactures, Retailers and Consumers, I’m not going to go off again here. I just may brain hemorrhage from rage if I do.

21.) Thinking a reviewer has nothing to offer because they are ‘new’. We’ve all been there.  Cut some slack & give some support. They deserve a chance.

At some point in time we’ve all been the new kid on the block. We’ve questioned what we had to offer and felt insecure jumping on board with all the amazing reviewers already on the scene. We’ve contacted companies and asked for products only to be met with rejection. We’ve taken what we could get, either because we didn’t know better or because we felt desperate. We’ve watched as others grew up through the ranks and felt stifled as we sat at the bottom waiting for our chance. My point, give the new reviewers a shot and help guide them when possible. This is a community, not a competition.

22.) Thinking that when your partner uses a product during sex it means you’re not good enough. #itsnotyouitsme 

Rather than being a selfish, shitty and egotistical person who thinks that they are the end all be all in bed, realize that a product may be able to do something you can’t and that maybe you’re partner needs that kind of stimulation in order to achieve an orgasm. It doesn’t mean your not good at what you do. It doesn’t mean they don’t’ like you. And it certainly doesn’t mean your not “good enough”. It just means that they need a little help getting from A to O and whatever they’ve got on hand will likely offer what they need.

*for the record, over 70% of women require clitoral stimulation to achieve an orgasm and considering that traditional penetration does nothing for the clitoris it’s pretty understandable that a female would want to add something external to the experience.

23.) Creating ‘competition’ between reviewers. Most of us are in it for the same reason – to do something we love, have fun doing it, make an impact in some way or another & explore our sexuality. We should be helping each other grow, not limiting

I understand that many reviewers see their ‘jobs’ as a competition for a persons dollar, but for me it’s bigger than that. My job has been, and always will be, to educate about sex, inform readers/viewers about the options available, encourage exploration of ones sexual self and support those within the community that I think have something positive to offer. Does this mean that my viewers/readers may very well buy something from their link instead of mine? Certainly…and I’m okay with it.  Sure, I’d prefer to be the one profiting, but I get it.

At the end of the day all that matters is that my readers/viewers have been exposed to another person who treats sex like it’s nothing to be ashamed of, and in the meantime also possibly found a product that will liberate them in some way. This is bigger than me. This is bigger than getting a cheque in the mail for a commission. This is about freeing people from the guilt ridden chains that bind and creating a society of people who are sexually aware and confident.

So that’s pretty much it. I’m done bitching for the night.

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Breaking Dawn Inspired Giveaway!

I’m going to admit something I never thought I’d have to publicly: I’m a huge fan of the Twilight series. The kind of fan that has a countdown to Breaking Dawn on her sidebar. Yes, I’m that lame. Now whether it’s because of the cheesy yet romantic storyline, hilariously over acted tearing off of shirts, amazing digitally created Werewolves, never before seen sun sparkly Vampires or teen angst filled scenes that can only be found in the 80’s movies  John Hughes crafted, I have no clue. I just know that I’m drawn to them like a moth to a flame. A perverted, dreamy eyed, wants to mount a vampire and still-believes-in-fairy-tales kind of moth.

*For the record I can see how silly the movies are and how predictable, over acted or overdone the plot line is, but I still love them. It’s my one fault.

So, with the release of the most sexually charged movie in the Twilight series (Breaking Dawn) being only 11 days away, I figured it was a perfect opportunity to hold a sex toy giveaway – one featuring some potentially creepy, scary or horrifyingly marvelous Vampire and Werewolf inspired sex toys!

The following packages are up for grabs

  • 1 Succu Dry Fleshlight, 4 oz bottle of Fleshlube, 3 condoms (various types), 15% off coupon to an online sexual wellness store, 30 minutes of free porn valid at Hot Movies For Her.

*Succu Dry and Fleshlube courtesy of Fleshlight.

  • 1 Count Cockula, 4 oz bottle of O’My Natural lubricant, 3 condoms (various types), 15% off coupon to an online sexual wellness store, 30 minutes of free porn valid at Hot Movies For Her.

*Count Cockula courtesy of Fleshlight.

  • 1 Tantus Vamp Dildo (it sparkles like Edward!!), 2.5 oz tube of Lelo Personal Moisturizer, 3 condoms (various types), 15% off coupon to an online sexual wellness store, 30 minutes of free porn valid at Hot Movies For Her

*Vamp courtesy of Tantus

  • 1 Fleshligh Drac dildo, 2.5 oz bottle of System Jo H2O, 3 condoms (various types), 15% off coupon to an online sexual wellness store, 30 minutes of free porn valid at Hot Movies For Her.

*Drac Dildo courtesy of SheVibe

  • 1 Small David The Werewolf dildo, 4oz bottle of O’My Natural lubricant, 3 condoms (various types), 15% off coupon to an online sexual wellness store, 30 minutes of free porn valid at Hot Movies For Her.

*David The Werewolf courtesy of Bad Dragon.

  • 1 Death By Orgasm – Werewolf Silver, 2.5 oz bottle of System Jo H2O, 3 condoms (various types), 15% off coupon to an online wellness store, 30 minutes of free porn valid at Hot Movies For Her.

*Death By Orgasm and all other additional offerings courtesy of Sex Ed 102 w/ Kara_Sutra

Of course I know there are many of you that don’t like Twilight, many who would much rather suffer some form of serious pain than watch any of the movies, so for you I have this to offer…

Eric Skarsgard, Stephen Moyer, Deborah Ann Wool, Kristin Bauer (the Vampires) or  Joe Manganiello (the Werewolf) from True Bloood, Kate Beckinsale,  Rhona Mitra (lady vamps) or Michael Sheen (Werewolf “Lucien”) from the Underworld movies, Sybil Danning as the Queen Werewolf ‘Stirba’ in Howling II, Ethan Hawke in Daybreakers, Aliyah as Akasha in Queen Of The Damned, Wesley Snipes or Stephen Dorf in Blade, Kiefer Sutherland in The Lost Boys, Taylor Kinney and Michael Trevino in The Vampire Diaries, Salma Hayek as Santanico Pandemonium in From Dusk Till Dawn, Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt and Antonio Bandares in Interview With A Vampire, Michael J. Fox or Justin Bateman in Teen Wolf (part 1 and 2 respectively) – Need I say more?

If you want a chance to win simply head over to my facebook page and follow the Breaking Dawn Inspired Giveaway Instructions to track your entries.

Good Luck!!

p.s. You can bet your sweet ass I did this to coincide w/ the full moon~!
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An Open Letter to Sex Toy Manufacturers, Retailers, and Consumers

When I started working in a ‘sex toy shop’ 9 years ago I really didn’t expect I’d be sitting here writing another entry for this blog. In all honesty, I don’t think I expected much but a regular paycheck (at minimum wage), a small commission, and the opportunity to do something I was very passionate about; talk about sex and sexuality in a carefree environment that frowned on censorship and allowed its staff to be who they were, no matter what that meant.

That position far surpassed my expectations, becoming the first that made me feel I was making a real contribution to the happiness and well being of others. When my time at the shop came to an end (due to my personal unwillingness to sell people crap – something the company almost forced us to do) I began creating videos on the topics I was continually asked by customers. After a couple months, I started doing sex toy reviews. Fortunately, what I had (and have) to offer has been well received and allowed me to continue doing something I love.

Of course this road hasn’t been easy. I’ve fought through censorship, horrible stereo-typing, criticism, false flagging, labeling, trolling, and bullying. I’ve worked with power hungry companies that wanted to ‘buy’ my opinion and take complete control of my work (I didn’t give in). I’ve had manipulative people say they ‘just wanted to help’, only to turn around and try and take ownership of the rights to my material as a form of payment. I’ve had online accounts suspended, shut down and/or been penalized for the type of topics I cover. I’ve even lost some friends and the support of those that I love. But no matter the struggles I faced or the hell I’ve had to raise, all of the experiences taught me one thing; at the end of the day someone some where will be benefit from what I do, and that’s what matters.

Luckily my experiences haven’t been all bad. I’ve witnessed positive changes within the industry that came in leaps and bounds. What was once a market predominantly filled with harmful jelly dildos, chemical filled lubes, and dangerous toys has quickly become one where customer input, reviewer feedback, company accountability, safety, and environmental friendliness are major players in the ‘sex toy’ game.

Having said that, there are still many things I see wrong within the industry and rather than staying quiet, I’m writing an open letter to sex toy manufacturers, retailers, and consumers, with the hopes it will force a change. Although I know much of this article will go unheard or acknowledged by the very people it’s meant to reach and impact, it’s something I feel I have to do.

With that in mind, I genuinely hope that this brings a new level of awareness to you – the consumer and/or reviewer – and in the process, makes the manufacturers of some of the worst made, horribly packaged, cheapest, and faulty products step up their game and take responsibility for what they create and contribute, whether it be a product, stereo type, negative image or otherwise.

Sex Toy Packaging: The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly

I don’t know how many times I’ve seen it, but the image of near naked men (pic is NSFW) and women followed by cheesy slogans, sexist and sexually explicit wording, dangerous suggestions, and cheaply made cardboard boxes never fails to make me wonder just what the hell a company was thinking when they designed it. Not only is this tacky and unprofessional, it’s also ignorant  and rude. Maybe it’s just me but I’d like to think that you wouldn’t need to dumb down your audience to sell them something.

Actually, it should be the opposite; by packaging your product in a way that makes the item look visually appealing, informational and classy, consumers would be more willing to shell out their hard earned cash. I’m not just talking luxury items here, I’m talking everything from little bullets to traditional vibes and beyond.

Don’t think it’s a big deal? That’s fine, I’ll elaborate…

Kinky Kim Love DollIf there was one thing that was a constant within the store where I worked it was the look of embarrassment, guilt, and shame found on the customers faces when they came to the register ready to make a purchase. For as shy as they may have already been, the vast majority of the time it was those that had picked the poorly packaged products that couldn’t look us in the eye. On many occasions I was asked to either remove the packaging and/or provide a double bag to hide it. For an industry filled with such crass and verbally suggestive writing you’d think someone somewhere would have caught on to the fact that it was embarrassing and cut that shit out.

Maybe it’s just me, but wording like “tear that ass a new one”, “pump her p*ssy with your thick meat“, “plunge deep into her tight cherry hole“ and “breed him like a good pig“ aren’t the most arousing sentences I’ve had the pleasure of reading. Truthfully, they sound like something I’d hear from a 12 year old that’s recently found his Dad’s stash of porn and thinks doing what he sees and using wording found within the pages will make him sound cool to his friends. Of course that’s before he matures and realizes that it’s mostly sexist, rude, potentially damaging, and ignorant (stereotype intended – bashing of most pornography not intended).

Pipedreams "Young Tight Snatch"Whether manufactures or consumers realize, it’s this irresponsible and thoughtless packaging that’s part of the reason intimate accessories are treated like ‘toys’ to giggle at rather than the sexual wellness products they are.

Let me be clearer: every time sexist, immature, or tacky slogans are used they work toward maintaining the stereotype that intimate accessories aren’t meant to be treated legitimately, and instead support the idea that they are ‘gag’ gifts only meant for bachelorette parties, stags, and birthdays – instead of tools to help a person learn about their body, develop a healthy level of confidence, and become comfortable in their own skin.

I realize that because of international shipping laws, along with differing governmental standards, products must be called ‘novelties’ in order for production and distribution to exist. However, that doesn’t mean that words and sayings like “ram his tight little a**hole“ also need to be used. In fact, many of the high end products being created by companies like Lelo, Tantus, Fun Factory and JimmyJane (to name a few) contain the word ‘novelty’, yet also refrain from being tacky and cheesy. If you ask me, more companies need to follow their lead.

*Yes, I do know that there is a market for these items. Yes, I also know that those who are into that sort of thing should be allowed to buy the products without repercussion or judgement. Let me make myself clear, so long as it’s consenting adults I don’t give a rats ass what anyone does. My issue is with the packaging, not the consumers or their use of said items.

Misinformation & Potential Harm

Jelly dong filled with phthalates made by California ExoticsWhether it’s harmful jelly materials, chemical  filled lube, Nonoxynel-9, or unsafely made and mislabeled products, when it comes to the marketing and manufacturing of intimate accessories there are many problems that exist with the industry. Unfortunately this is still a  ‘taboo’ subject for many people and as such, very little information is offered regarding the safety issues of these items, leaving consumers to make their purchases completely unaware of the damage they may be doing to their body and the horrible cycle they’re allowing to continue.

In an attempt to help raise your level of awareness I’m going to offer a little info on a few of the above issues, maybe after reading them you’ll think twice before you make your next purchase.

Jelly Toys – Just Say No

Although they are one of the top selling items, “jelly” products are also some of the worst, and since manufacturers won’t provide the exact ingredients of their various mixes, it’s hard to know what they’re really made of. One thing is for sure, they do contain phthalates, a harmful chemical that has been identified as a potential health concern. Aside from that they’re porous, very porous, absorbing bodily fluids, lube, and bacteria rather easily. Unfortunately they also can’t be disinfected, so whatever you use with them, stays with them. As if all that wasn’t bad enough, they’re the least durable of the soft rubber products on the market and often have an uneven surface that will fall apart (flaking and tearing are common). The noxious fumes they emit will also potentially cause headaches and/or respiratory problems.

Does this really sound like something you want to not only spend your money on, but also put in your body? Think about it. Seriously

Spermicide – When Safe Sex Isn’t Good For You

Nonoxynel-9, commonly known as spermicide or N9, is in my opinion one of the more misunderstood chemicals out there. Originally it was thought that the chemical could kill sperm and thus reduce the possibility of transmitting an STD or an unplanned pregnancy. However, about 10 years ago it was discovered that it actually INCREASES the chances of contracting infections like HIV by creating lesions on the layers of skin cells in the vagina or rectum walls, potentially facilitating infection.

There are other downfalls or potential dangers to using N9: it offers no protection against sexually transmitted infections such as gonorrhea or chlamydia, if used regularly N9 can increase a womans chances of contracting Bacterial Vaginosis as well as yeast infections, there have been reports of vaginal bleeding after intercourse, as well as increased chances of vaginal dryness or itching due to misuse.

Again I ask, do you really want to put that in your body?

A Few Extras

Harmful chemicals aside, there’s a few other things you should look out for; if it doesn’t have a flared base don’t put it in your butt (that includes random objects, fruit and vegetables), if it looks like it’s unsafe trust your gut (it probably is), if it looks like it’s cheap and might hurt/fall apart it probably will, if it has a bunch of chemicals in it that you can’t pronounce and sound bad don’t use it (unless you’re willing to look them up and learn what you’re getting into).

Simply put, think about what you’re really buying and don’t just fall into the trap the label wants to you believe. You’re smarter than that.

I want change by BanksyYou Have The Power: Effecting a Change

As I said in the beginning of this post I left my job due to the inability and unwillingness to sell people crap. No matter how hard I tried to justify it, or  the commission I stood to make, I couldn’t bring myself to suggest something that may do someone harm. Fortunately I’m still of that mindset and work hard to avoid lower quality products when possible, instead opting to offer an item that gives you more bang for your buck. It’s not about money to me, it’s about your sexual exploration, enjoyment and safety.

Of course this choice has another benefit that many don’t realize; in offering the best of the best I’m doing my part to raise the level of standards within the industry and teaching people what to look for, the companies to support, and things they need to avoid.

If you’d like to continue to see changes within the industry, ones that will hopefully impact both retailers and manufacturers, forcing them to be accountable for their packaging, products, and the message they send, I have a few suggestions to help you make your voice heard:

  • Vote with your dollar. Sure it sounds cheesy, but being that they all want your money you have a bigger say in what they continue to create than you probably think. If you see something that has offensive, tacky or unappealing packaging, don’t buy it. If you see a jelly toy, don’t buy it. If you see a misleading label, don’t buy it. If you have money to spend and are looking for somewhere to shop, pick the retailers that are in line with what you believe in like Babeland, Early To Bed, Good For Her,  and my fave – SheVibe – to name a few.
  • Learn all you can about the sex toy industry. Whether it’s what products are made of or the different options available, being educated gives you the power to make well informed decisions. If you read the ingredients in something before you eat it/buy it, take the same time to be aware of what your sticking in your other orifices too.
  • Be a voice of change. While it may sound overwhelming, you can to write big name manufacturers and ask what they’re doing to improve their products, make the company sustainable, what their overseas factory standards are like for workers, and if they’re treating the environment the way it deserves. Ask your local sex toy shops the same questions.  Raise some eye brows and force the issues.  Voice your opinion and don’t be afraid to offer your input. Changes have happened because people made them happen.  Not from staying silent.
  • Teach others and spread your message. Whether it’s starting a blog, doing reviews, making videos, talking to friends about what you know, speaking up in social media (be it twitter, facebook or otherwise), there are a lot of options available for you to reach a larger audience. Sure it’s sex related which may be awkward and weird (depending on your lifestyle, level of involvement) but if you’ve read this you likely have something many don’t – knowledge about intimate accessories that could make things better.
  • If you are a retailer/reseller, be it an online shop or brick and mortar store, pay attention to what you’re buying and only stock those you know are safe (both in regard to design and materials). Provide an area in the store that offers educational material for your customers or better yet, offer seminars for those that want to learn more.  Teach your staff about materials and help them learn how to sell, it’s not only good for them and the customers, it’s just good business. Sponsor events that are in line with what you do and get your name out there. Write to your local papers and let them know your mission, for all you know this might be news to them and provide you with a interview opportunity. Offer affiliate or review programs so that people like me can get their hands on products from companies they want to support and make a small living at it.

As for the issue of not wanting to help big business; if there was another way to offer these goods (like them being made by other sources) I’d gladly do so, but unfortunately that’s just not the case in the industry right now. I’d much rather help consumers recognize what’s good and bad, have them spend their money on those items, and force the manufacturers to discontinue the shit products simply because they realize they’re not making the money they used to.  I’m pretty sure many of you (within the industry) will know which companies I’m talking about. If you’re still not sure, check out this Open Letter To The Sex Toy Industry written by the fantastic Dangerous Lilly.

I hope my open letter helped some of you to see the industry for what it is, and allowed the information needed to make responsible and informed decisions. At the end of the day this isn’t just about me or you; this is about change as a whole. It’s about telling the big name corporations that we just won’t take it anymore. That we know better and expect better from them. Because that’s what we deserve.

Signed,

Me.

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#FunFindFriday: Fleshlight Freaks

 

I figured that since it’s October I’d set the tone for the month with something a lil bit freaky, kinky, and/or scary. Now, considering the fact that I’ve tweeted, facebooked, and linked the hell out of them, the creepy and bizarre Fleshlight products probably aren’t going to be anything new to some of you. However, since I also know there are a few who don’t do the ‘social media’ thing and instead only subscribe to my blog (or check it every so often) I thought I’d add it here, ’cause well – I don’t want to be the only person with them seared into my brain when I lay down to sleep at night.

To be honest, when I first saw them I thought it was a prank. Something akin to an bad April Fools joke or an episode of Punk’d gone awry. Alas, I was wrong. Dead wrong. Each and every one of these terrifying looking vaginas and penis’s is real, crafted out of Fleshlights patented SuperSkin material or platinum cured silicone no less.

Of course I’m not one to judge, hell, I’ve spent a night or two fantasizing about what Jacob’s werewolf dong might look like should he happen upon me like a bitch in heat. But there’s just something about these that makes me wonder if the hype is all it’s cracked up to be. They’re stunning, I’m not arguing that, it’s the functionality that I find myself questioning.

For the record, I think the details on the Cyber Dildo and the labia on the Drac Fleshlight are to die for! Furthermore, if companies like Uberrime, Creature Cocks, and Pris Toys can do it, who’s to say Fleshlight cant?

As I’ve said in previous posts regarding sex toys for those with a penis – I don’t have a dick so I can’t judge them for myself, and from what I can gather on the website the dildos are for ‘external purposes only’ (I’m assuming that’s a legal thing and not legit). So, for those that are into this sort of thing, be it dark and sinister role-play, or just a basic curiosity about sex with something from the beyond, this one goes out to you. May your fantasies be fulfilled and your wet-nightmares be a thing of the past.

*I’ve taken the quotes from the website since I don’t have the products in my hand to make a proper description. Also, because they’re far more entertaining then anything I could write. Copy and paste for the win!

Fleshlight Freaks: Zombie Sleeve

“Dead Nights Now Living”

“You must be warned. While fucking your brains out is usually the goal at hand, these creatures of the walking dead are in dire hunger. Have a necromantic night in the degrading skin of the Zombie Fleshlight or question yourself with the lifeless, yet vibrant deteriorating cock of the living dead.”

Fleshlight: “Fucking your brains out may not be the best idea, but how could you resist? Made with Fleshlight’s patented SuperSkin material in stunning detail, your dead nights will now always be living.“

Fleshlight Freaks: Alien Sleeve

“Reports Confirmed!”

“For years the government has been trying to keep UFOs and the existence of extraterrestrial life an eyes-only secret. Now, Fleshlight is making the secret public in the most private of ways. Take a journey into an interstellar vortex of pleasure in the Alien Fleshlight, or welcome a probing by abducting the Alien’s cosmic cock.“

Fleshlight: “For years, increasing accounts of an Unidentified Fucking Object have been reported by mystified Fleshlight fans with little or no substantiating evidence. The denial of the existence of this object has driven the scandal to levels of near hysteria. Finally, after publicly rebuffing the existence of exxxtra-terrestrial fuckery, the once top-secret “Alien” is now being made available to the public from Fleshlight, the maker of the #1 selling sex toy for men“.

Fleshlight Freaks: Frankenstein Sleeve

“It’s Alive!”

“Born from the experiments of Fleshlight’s maddest of sex toy scientists comes a collection of the abhorred monster. Feel the scary pleasures of the stitched Frankenvag and witness a massive Frankencock of monstrous proportions.”

Fleshlight: “You will scream “It’s Alive!” when you experience the feeling of this abhorred monster. Made with Fleshlight’s® patented SuperSkin material in stunning detail, you are sure to have an electrifying night.”

Fleshlight Freaks: Drac Sleeve

“I Want To Suck Your…”

“Beware of the alluring aesthetics of the Drac that Fleshlight has created or you may soon find yourself missing your most precious of fluids. Take a flight on the dark side in the winged Fleshlight, or get staked by the centuries old cock from the walker of the night.”

Fleshlight: “Take a flight on the dark side and have a fling in the wings. Made with Fleshlight’s® patented SuperSkin material in stunning detail, you can now have what the realm of the living has been missing for centuries.”

Fleshlight Freaks: Cyborg Sleeve

“Artificial Intercourse”

“Technology is progressing and it was only a matter of time before Fleshlight was able to create the most breathtaking of bionic experiences. Upload your cock into the intelligent design of the Cyborg Fleshlight, or experience the impressive organ of enhanced technological abilities with the Cyborg cock.”

Cyborg Fleshlight: “Get turned on by a bionic experience with the #1 selling product in Artificial Intercourse. Made with Fleshlight’s® patented SuperSkin material in stunning detail, you can now take your cock on a journey through the ejaculation super highway.”

Whether you’re intrigued by the tentacle texture, vampire fangs, or alien-like sensations, these products offer a visually and sensorially immersive experience. Made with the same high-quality, body-safe material as traditional Fleshlights, they provide the perfect combination of fun, fantasy, and functionality. With their durability and easy maintenance, Fleshlight Freaks and Fantasy sleeves let you explore new realms of pleasure while ensuring a comfortable and reliable experience every time!

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Homemade Sex Toys: What You Need To Know

I hate to say it, but I don’t make a habit of offering up household items you can masturbate with.  Don’t get me wrong, I know there are a lot of people who have limited options making things they find around the house seem rather appealing, but if someone isn’t sure of what they’re doing there’s a chance they could unintentionally harm themselves, or worse, do some serious physical damage.

That in mind, when I took on the responsibility of educating the masses about sex it included keeping them safe. In an attempt to help you avoid doing any harm while still learning about your body, here are some tips and ideas that might prove helpful, including a list of things I think would be okay for personal use whether you’re playing alone or with a partner.

Household Items You Can Masturbate With - banner image

 Household Items You Can Masturbate With

For those with vulvas/vaginas

Fruit & Veggies

Household Items You Can Masturbate With - Cucumber

Fruits and vegetable are a great free option; only use vegetables that are ripe (no rotten, mushy, or soft spots, ), pliable, and have a smooth surface like a Cucumber, Zucchini, Banana, or Carrot  – again, make sure the ends aren’t sharp or pokey, wash them beforehand to remove any pesticides or other harmful chemicals, and use a condom.

If you don’t want to use fruits or vegetables but like that they’re discreet, there are vibrating corn and cucumber sex toys as well as a product called the ‘emojibater‘ (it’s the eggplant emoji) that could be fun to play with.  If you want something a little more chill, why not go for a Popsicle dildo.  There’s also a bunch of fun food inspired sex toys by Hole Punch Toys; from radish butt plugs to an ‘ass cream cone‘.  Of course these aren’t items you’ll find lying around your house, but if you’re looking for totally discreet body safe options, they’re some of the best.

Note: don’t stick stuff fruits and veg in your butt, they don’t have a flared base to stop them from going so deep you can’t get them out. Yes, I’m serious. Just don’t.

Dilator Sets

Long tapered candles can be fun to explore with, especially if you find ones that have differing thickness. I’d also suggest opting for something with a higher melting point; soy based products tend to soften quickly which might make the difficult to insert, use, and remove. I’d also suggest staying away from anything scented or containing oils since there is no way to tell if the ingredients could be potentially harmful and the oils will break down a condom. Finally, definitely use a condom with candles; if it melts it could leave residual wax inside you that will be hard to remove.

Brush handle, rounded ones work best, try to avoid any with seams as they could cut or scrape you internally. You could also opt for a make up brush handle – usually you can find them in kits offering different sizes to play with (good for a vaginal dilator option). Try snagging something with a rounded base, rather than square or pointed, as it would make insertion easy and far more comfortable. Thick handles are best as you’re less likely to accidentally hurt yourself (thinner brushes have more potential for internal poking). Also, opt for one that doesn’t have any writing on the handle as it could rub off inside you.

DIY Vibrators

Household Items You Can Masturbate With - Personal Massager VibratorPersonal Massager for clitoral or vulva stimulation.  Very often users don’t know what type of vibrations they like, be it deep and rumbly or surface level and buzzy,  opting to start with something familiar gives you the chance to explore without breaking the bank.

Electric Toothbrushs; the handle for insertion, the gentle or soft bristles for clitoral stimulation. Just keep in mind most of the newer versions have detachable brush heads. Not a good idea to insert the brush end as it could fall off while inserted. You’ll be able to get it out, but it won’t be fun.

household items you can masturbate withThat said, when thinking about this type of stimulation I highly suggest going small and cheap to start; a ‘Facial Massage Tool‘ (really, it’s a Pocket Rocket) or a bullet vibe  are perfect options. Not only are they discreet and affordable, they provide a high level of vibration for a decent price. If you try them and find them too surface level, maybe it would be worth it to spend more on a Whal Deep Tissue Massager or a Magic Wand (a.k.a. Hitachi Magic Wand, the one that started it all).  You can usually find cheap ones at local dollar stores. If you’re struggling to find anything Amazon usually has quite a few options available.

The vibration of a cell phone or gaming controller (external; vulva, clitoris, labia etc). In most cases the vibrations won’t be as strong as a typical vibrator, but if your sensitive (or just learning about your body) they could be enough.

Shower Play

Household items you can masturbate with - shower headMassaging Shower Head while bathing. Snag one that has a long cord and a variety of settings to offer different types of stimulation. Looking for something a little more fun, you could opt for a light up version.

Running water from the bathtub faucet; just lie on your back and let the water run over the vulva and clitoris. Choose times where temperatures won’t unexpectedly fluctuate (scalding your bits isn’t fun).  Also, it’s free which is definitely a good thing.

The washing machine while it’s on the “spin” cycle. You can sit on it or press your clitoris up against the corner for stimulation. It’s not the best in terms of vibration, but it might work for some.

Vibrating shower sponges can be a great option if you’re looking for something that’s discreet. The vibrations usually aren’t that powerful, but they can do the job when necessary.  If you’d prefer something with stronger vibrations, making a DIY version is pretty simple if you follow these steps: purchase any sized soft foam sponge you prefer (stay away from anything rough like natural loofahs, they’ll hurt), using an exacto knife cut a small but deep slit into the side of the sponge, insert your favourite waterproof bullet vibe (I prefer the WeVibe Tango as it has very strong vibrations), and go.  Feel free to experiment with various sized sponges until you find one that works best for you.

Although you can use coconut oil, almond oil, and various other oils for masturbation purposes (opt for virgin, unrefined versions), soaps, shampoos, and body washes are not meant to be used internally. Jerking off (penis only) with them is fine, but even that might cause irritation. More on acceptable lubes below.

For Those Withe Penises

Fruit & Veggies

Household items you can masturbate withCarved out fruit or vegetables are a great way to explore different sensations and textures.  Avoid highly acidic fruits like oranges, lemons, and limes, as they could irritate the urethral opening at the tip of the penis. I’d also avoid anything that has seeds as they can sometimes be sharp, leading to painful small scratches and abrasions; scooping out the seeds first is a good idea.  Everything considered, you’d be good to go with any of the following;

  • Due to their maneuverability and shape, melons are a top choice; honeydew, cantaloupe, and small watermelons will work once the seeds are scooped out. If you have weak arms or have a had time holding things a melon could be easily placed on a surface (bed, table, counter, couch) while penetrated (if you cut one side flat it’ll sit in place easier and won’t roll).
  • Grapefruits, oranges, and other thick fruits can easily be made into a stroker; simply cut the fruit into thick rings, remove the centre (you’re basically creating a donut) and slide it up and down your shaft.

Side note, if you cut the fruit too thin it will last for a few strokes before falling apart. Also, remove all seeds before use as they can cut and scrape. Finally, avoid the tip of your penis as the acidity could be irritating.

Pillows etc

Couch cushions, mattress folds, and pillows can be manipulated to create different types of pressure.  Simply put a condom on, sandwich you penis between the objects, and go to it. I’ve heard that this works best if you’re either on your knees (between the mattress and box spring) or lying on your stomach (which adds to the pressure). Use things that can easily be washed, don’t use couch cushions if the cover can’t be removed.

You can make a pocket pussy out of various objects (simple instructions here, you can find more via Google).

Playing With Textures

Bubble wrap, considering all the different types available the options are almost endless. You can either cut a long strip and roll it up in a tube shape (so that there are layers) to create a stroker of sorts.  If that doens’t work try cutting a section, placing in your hand, and rubbing it up and down your shaft.  Just keep in mind that you’ll likely need a good lube to avoid uncomfortable friction or pulling of the skin on your penis.

Bubble Wrap - household items you can masturbate withLarge plastic cup filled with pudding, jello, etc. A few things to note, both of these options are rather messy, and if left to dry without cleaning will get sticky. Also, depending on the type of jello you use it could stain fabrics. If you’re prone to yeast infections, opt for sugar free.

Line a plastic cup with two thick kitchen sponges add some lube and you’re good to go. Just remember to use the soft non-scratch side of the sponge… otherwise, ouch.

Gloves are an option too, though depending on the type you get there could be some pulling or chaffing. I’d suggest dish gloves or silicone oven mitts, and LOTS of lube (try playing with different textures). On that note, any type of fabric will likely absorb lube so you’ll need plenty. Also, colored gloves might temporarily stain body parts. Keep that in mind when stroking.

Socks or leg warmers (experiment with different textures, thicknesses, and lengths).

For Couples

Body Support

Although this section doesn’t specifically cover household items you can masturbate with, it will offer up a whole bunch of ways you and your partner(s) can play with things you find around the house.

For those with limited mobility, back issues, or needing a little extra support, try opting for a large body pillow, firm pillows, a rolled up comforter or sleeping bag. They all work great when it comes to propping you up and exploring different positions.  More than that, they’re much cheaper than Liberator Sex Furniture.  If you expect to be kneeling all these options will work, as do knee pads designed for gardening and foam kneeling pads (added bonus: depending on the size, the latter are also fun to try and spank with).

Different sensations on erogenous zones can go a long way for heightening arousal and getting the juices flowing; ice cubes, feathers, electrostatic and micro fiber dusters, Wartenberg Pinwheels, fake flowers, and natural soy candles (they tend to have a lower melting point so there’s less of a chance you’ll get burned) can be fun to explore with.

BDSM

If you’re into spankings you’re in luck, simple things from around the house are often readily available or easy to find at very affordable prices; from spatulas (opt for silicone or wood) to paddle shaped cutting boards, wooden spoons, to leather belts (never hit anyone with the buckle, if possible see if you can remove it), stationary rulers (again, opt for plastic or wood over metal and make sure the edges aren’t sharp), flip flops and shoes of various sizes (make sure they’re clean), to books of different shapes and sizes (paperback feels different than a hardcover), and of course gloved hands, there are tonnes of options if you think outside the box.

* Check in regularly to ensure consent and that your partner is okay with the products you’re using.

Neck ties, belts with double-d rings, skipping rope, and scarves can all be used to restrain your partner. Again, make sure this is something they are okay with and have scissors handy just in case you’re unable to easily release them. On that note, don’t use any special knots or tie them too tightly; rope burn and the inability to untie a partner can be a painful and stressful situation if not properly prepared.

Lubes

Personally I highly suggest investing in a good, affordable, body safe lubricant like Sliquid H20 (here’s my comparison review of 5 different Sliquid lubes), however being that this post is dedicated to household items you can masturbate with I figure I’d better cover lubes as well.

The Don’ts

If you’re planning on masturbating in the shower I don’t advise using soap, shampoo, body wash, shaving cream, conditioner, or bubble bath for internal use.  Not only can the chemicals cause irritation, strip away the naturally occurring bacteria, and/or dry out your skin, they could also cause infection.

On that note, if you’re using them for external stimulation (penis only) you might be able to get away with it, but even then there might be irritation and drying. Instead I’d opt for natural unrefined virgin oils since they’ll work in water (we’ll get to that in a bit).

I’ve heard of people using margarine/butter/lard for jerking off (penis only), and although they could be used if nothing else is available, I wouldn’t. Margarine is composed of chemicals that probably shouldn’t come into contact with your genitals. Separately, no one knows if it’s safe.

With regard to butter, casein proteins from the milk can become rancid pretty quickly. Rotting animal proteins and genitals really aren’t a good mix. On top of that, it’ll stain your sheets and clothing, not to mention be messy and difficult to clean up. Again, if there’s nothing else available you could probably get away with it, however I absolutely would not suggest either for internal usage (vaginal/anal).

Absolutly Not…

For some reason people think it’s okay to use ointments like Rub-A535, Bengay, Vicks Vapo Rub, and Tiger Balm as lubricants. This is a bad on idea on so many levels. First and foremost, these products clearly state on the care sheet “For External Use Only”; the ingredients shouldn’t come into contact with mucous membranes, can sting and cause severe irritation, aren’t easily washed off, can break down condoms, and will stain clothes and sheets.

I know some of you might be thinking that means externally stimulating with them is okay. Sorry but no. They’ll cause irritation and burning and could damage the delicate tissue of your penis or vulva. More than that, they might even cause an infection.

I personally know someone that jerked off with BenGay, it burned so bad he needed a hospital visit. Within a week the top layer of skin on his penis changed colour (not permanently) and began peeling off. Again, just don’t. It’s not worth the pain and suffering.

Vaseline (petroleum jelly) and Baby Oil (mineral oil) are hard no’s. Sure, they might get the job done, but the possible negative side effects aren’t worth it. Researchers at UCLA conducted a study on vaginal health (2013), the study determined that those who used petroleum jelly vaginally were 2.2 times more likely to experience vaginosis, unusual vaginal discharge, bacterial overgrowth in the vagina, burning sensations, and irritation. Those that used mineral oil were much more likely to have an overgrowth of Candida (a fungus that can lead to yeast infections) in their vagina.

Health risks aside, due to its composition Vaseline acts as a water repellent barrier that clogs pores and doesn’t dissolve in water; when it comes time to clean up you’ll have a hard time washing it off.  This is definitely a problem if you use it internally. Also, it”ll stain clothes and sheets. Like I said, hard no’s.

The Do’s

A neutral hand lotion is a cheap and easy option for those with penises. Opt for unscented versions that are free of parabens, dye, and alcohol. Also, don’t expect lotion to last long; most lotions are formulated to absorb quickly. For those with vaginas you’ll want to go another route as internal use will likely throw off your vaginal chemistry, cause irritation or an infection.

*If you’re not sure if you’ll have a bad reaction test a small amount on the inside of your wrist; if you don’t break out in a rash it should be fine.

Pure Aloe Vera Gel is a great option for those looking for something natural. The thick consistency is great for keeping things slick and slippery, it’s non-toxic, will absorb nicely, has healing properties, and is affordable. Just make sure you’re purchasing 100% Aloe Vera with no dyes, added chemicals, fragrances, or alcohol like this one. If you’d prefer to make your own you can usually buy Aloe Vera plants at home and garden stores. As an added bonus because Aloe isn’t oil based it’s safe for use with latex and polyurethane condoms.

Natural Oil Lubricants

Natural unrefined virgin oils, like fractioned coconut oil, sweet almond oil, and grapeseed oil are good for clitoral stimulation, massaging the vulva, intercourse, and jerking off.

When shopping look for pure oils that are natural/virgin, unscented, fragrance free, dye free, and preservative-free. Partially hydrogenated/refined oils contain additives that might cause irritation or leave the skin dryer than before.

Some tips For Using Natural Oils As Lube

  • Do a patch test on the inside of your wrist to make sure you wont have an allergic reaction (some are allergic to nuts like coconut and amonds).
  • Use natural oils sparingly, an excess buildup of oil in the vagina can be a breeding ground for yeast and/or unwanted bacteria (this often isn’t an issue, but it’s best to be on the safe side).
  • If you’re prone to yeast infections steer clear; coconut oil is naturally anti-fungal and antibacterial, as such it could disrupt vaginal pH balance and cause a yeast infection.
  • On that note, any kind of natural oil left for long periods of time within your vagina or vulva (labial folds and clitoral hood) can possibly go rancid causing foul smelling odours, vaginal and urinary tract infections, and bacterial overgrowth. Simply wash with a gentle soap and water and you should be fine (external only).
  • Natural oils will break down latex condoms, gloves, dental dams, diaphragms, and other latex products reducing their effectiveness. Polyurethane and lambskin condoms are ok.
  • Oils can be messier, harder to remove, and there’s the possibility of staining clothing and sheets. A simple patch test on fabrics can determine if they’ll stain.
  • Oils aren’t compatible with all sex toys. Do a patch test first to make sure yours will be okay.

 Tips & Suggestions

  • Always make sure the product you’re using is clean and in proper working order; i.e. no deep scratches, broken parts, jagged edges, wobbly pieces, has no smell or caked on dirt, missing parts etc.
  • DO NOT use things like pens, pencils, or markers as they could leak the ink/dye into your vagina. Or worse, stab you with the sharp writing end.
  • DO NOT use anything that accidentally pinch, poke, jab, cut, or scrape you.
  • Always use a condom to help minimize the transfer of bacteria.
  • I really shouldn’t have to write this but I’m going to anyways – PETS ARE NOT SEX TOYS, AND NEITHER IS MEAT FROM THE GROCERY STORE! Don’t, just don’t.

 

That’s pretty much all I can suggest for now, hopefully it helped in some way. If you have any questions feel free to get in touch via my contact page, or if you happen to have a suggestion that worked for you, I’d love if you shared in the comment section below.

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