When I first saw these stunning rose quartz dildos online I was taken aback by their beauty, functionality, ergonomic design, and most importantly, the fact that they’re crafted from real crystal, a material that’s not only body safe, but also very near and dear to my spiritual heart.
Before launching into the world of sex toys I made a living as a part-time tarot card reader. Yes, you read that correctly. I worked the phone lines. Did private sessions. I used my ‘gift’ to help raise funds at charities, worked Halloween parties, bars, and salons, I even held parties (sort of like the Tupperware/Sex Toy/Scentsy parties you hear about) where readings were offered rather than a physical object, and for the most part, I made a good living at it. I had a list of regulars with whom I became friends, with many of them referring my services as they came to trust what was said.
Whether or not you believe in that type of thing really doesn’t matter to me. I just know it was something I was good at, liked, and felt good doing. It grounded me in a way many previous things hadn’t, and more importantly, it allowed me to ‘connect’ to both myself and the world around me in quite a remarkable way.
The point of this babbling… through those readings came a snowball effect, one that lead to studying the meaning of crystals, numerology, runes, astrology, chakras, and the like. In short, these products carry a bit more meaning in my world than they would for someone who’s not so well versed.
For me, they go beyond the realm of ‘sex toy’; they’re works of art carved from one of the most beautiful materials our planet can produce, with the ability to carry energy, shift emotions, heal, and restore in a way others can’t. I know, I know, I probably sound like I’m spewing a bunch of bullshit hocus-pocus-mumbo-jumbo you’d expect from the likes of our friend Miss Cleo… of course that’s not my intention (nor the way I made a living, don’t get it twisted).
Well, you can imagine my excitement when I came to see that there was an ENTIRE LINE of sexy crystal sex toys available!
Magical or not, you have to admit they are rather gorgeous, and that’s more than enough to leave me lusting for the day I can call one mine.
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Yep, you heard right. That 1970’s porno, the one that he got paid $200 to make and was shushed and hidden away for many a year thanks to Hollywood big wigs trying to protect the image of our muscle bound, gun toting, camouflaged, “Adriannn!!!” screaming friend, is now available through my online store… but here’s the thing, it’s not what you think. It’s um…. weird.
Really weird.
Like a bad art film with sex that doesn’t make any sense, and yet, it’s so intriguing you can’t help but watch.
From Sly frolicking in snow covered parks, splaying in an “I’m the king of the world” pose while atop a metal jungle gym (I wonder if James Cameron watched this just before making Titanic), to a bathing scene between Kitty and Stud that’s beyond awkward, it’s damn near mind boggling.
Add to that…
a shit tonne of pot smoking.
a naked pile up in front of a wonky fun house mirror.
“Stud” continually flexing while two girls fondle each other in front of him.
naked and fully clothed disco dancing for no apparent reason.
more pot smoking.
some of THE BEST booty clapping I’ve ever seen.
a random naked street flashing by a chick in a trench coat.
a guy getting a bj while eating a banana and talking about horse cock (I kid you not!).
two chicks standing with a Bull Mastiff then *poof* disappearing as quickly as they showed up (wtf!).
lots of hairy 70’s bush (not that I’m complaining).
even more pot smoking.
“Stud” violently beating Kitty with a belt for what feels like an eternity while voice over moans and squeals repeat in the background (for as much of a steroid induced rage fit it seems to be, it’s all fake).
naked ring-around-the-rosy.
a bunch of naked people sprawled out on a furry carpet passed out in what appears to be a cult suicide pact.
and an ending that is beyond *face palm* worthy.
…yes my friends, this movie has it all.
*Coles Notes version: Kitty loves Stud. Stud is a stud. Stud beats Kitty. Kitty and Stud throw a party. Sex, pot smoking, dancing, and mirrors happen. There’s a dog. Everyone passes out from all the ‘excitement’. Kitty and Stud wake up. Stud beats Kitty again. The End. *blank stare*
Of course it’s not very sexy, but shit, I don’t know of any others that are able to cram that much random tomfoolery into an hour and 6 minutes in a way that’s so wonderfully cringe worthy. I mean, captivating.
As for Rocky’s man bits, you do get to see them, quite often actually, however it’s never hard or raging, instead remaining in it’s flaccid state for every damn scene. Not cool Rocky, so not cool.
Oh, and regarding the sex: IT’S ALL SOFTCORE. There’s no sweat, no real ‘O’ faces, no money shots, no chemistry, no close ups of privates while bumping uglies… just the writhing around of naked bodies sprawled about on beds, couches, and plush 70’s fur carpeting. Booooorrrrinnnngggg.
And then there’s some of my choice quotes (the majority of which come from the mouth of our highly intelligent Kitty):
Kitty: *staring longingly out a window while wearing a pink fluffy negligee* “Ahh, I wish Stud would hurry up and get home, he’s so animalistic. I love getting him mad, it gets me so horny”.
Kitty: “Go ahead Stud, give me all your juice!” And yet, there was no money shot. WTF?!
some of the best twerking I’ve ever seen
Kitty: *awkward shower scene with soap, soap and more soap* “dropping the soap makes me get closer to my favourite parts of his body”. I wonder how many inmates have thought the same thing while incarcerated.
Kitty: *again staring longingly out a window while wearing a pink fluffy negligee* “Stud says you need to find peace within yourself, but he doesn’t know how much I like it when he gets rough with me“. Um, what?
Kitty: *while sitting cross legged on the floor attempting to meditate* “Funny, I get so horny when I’m sitting in the Full Lotus. Where’s your true nature? I’m beginning to think mines between my legs!“. Yes Kitty, your “true nature” is between your legs. Didn’t you know, that’s where trees come from? Silly Kitty.
Kitty: *while rolling a joint* “Stud say’s a girl hasn’t completed her education until she knows how to really lick a good joint“. And here I thought you rolled joints. Clearly I haven’t completed my education.
Stud: *just before getting a bj* “Be careful you bit me last time” Kitty: *on her knees in front of him* “I’ll be velvet mouthed on your shank of love!” *then erupts into an unscripted fit of giggles*. I wish I was kidding, but I’m not. Amazing.
Whoops, wrong movie.
Even with all that to work with I have to admit, my favourite dialogue between the two includes some brilliant scripting, mostly because it’s almost as if the person writing it was psychic:
Stud: *staring forlorn into a mirror* “When are they gonna recognize me?” Kitty: “Soon everyone will know who you are.” Stud: “Screw it! I’m gonna get an ulcer over it…” Kitty: “Someday you’ll be known as the ‘Italian Stallion‘!!!” Stud: “Let’s get high.”
Ah yes, escapism at it’s very best. Brilliant! Fucking brilliant!
If you’re up for a roller coaster ride of a flick filled with wtf’s, nakedness, 70’s disco music, and Sly, without the heavily accented voice or facelifts he’s come to be known for, you can find the whole movie on my online store… you probably won’t get off while watching it, but being able to say you’ve seen Sly Stallone’s man bits just might be worth it.
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Granted I’m not the best chess player, in fact I’m far from it… but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy a challenge now and then, and with a stunning set like this, I can’t help but wonder if a losing a quick game would be worth it.
From the same company that created seriously pretty packaging for M.A.C., redefined how you get your morning coffee and worked with fourty-four 8th grade students on re-designing key elements of their environmenteven if it does resemble a batch of Ikea furniture, comes a forward thinking, totally luxurious and exceptionally high end chess set; each of the 32 pieces doubles as a vibrator, complete with matte and glossy textures, medical grade silicone and ABS surfaces (so it’s totally body safe), a handmade walnut game board and wait for it… gold-plate detailing. Ohhhh. Ahhhhh.
With all that I guess there’s only one question to ask: what’s it gonna cost you?
A cool $10,000.
Yeah, you read right. Ten. Thousand. Dollars. For some people that’s a down payment on a house, a new car, a portion of University tuition, a backpacking trip across the globe, or the end to debt… for others it’s a mind-fuck followed by diddling game of chess.
Though I will admit, they don’t look like anything too special, sexually speaking of course – except for the castles, which are slightly reminiscent of the We-Vibe Touch, or the Knights, just because I think they might be great for shallow g-spot stimulation. The rest however, meh. For $10,000 I’d expect much more.
Feel free to check them out at Kiki De Montparnasse… or think of all the other things ten grand could buy. Your call.
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I can’t help but wonder what the fuck Hustler was thinking when they gave the green light on this project. There will likely be viewers with childhood memories of curiously stuffing a smurf figure somewhere the sun don’t shine…and maybe even liking it, but for crying out loud, DOES THERE REALLY NEED TO BE A PORN PARODY OF EVERYTHING A PORN EXEC CAN DREAM UP?!
I might be wrong but I thought the point of porn was to turn people on and help them get off. There is nothing, between the trailer and clips I’ve found online, that’s even remotely sexy.
Tacky? Yes.
Weird? Yes.
Boring? Definitely.
Sexy, arousing, enticing or sultry, hell no! In fact, if my vagina could, I think it might just curl up and die.
I mean, wtf is up with those ears?! It’s like a grade 2 class got a shit tonne of blue plasticine and made the worst lumpy blue pancakes they could. Then, to take it one step further, they decided it would be fun to smack them on the side of someones head. ‘Cause ya know, why the fuck not.
Don’t get me started on the acting. It’s cringe worthy.
As for the script, every time they say something “smurfy” I die a little on the inside.
And what’s the deal with this “Mommy” bullshit?! Ugh. Let’s not also forget to mention the chemistry, of which THERE IS NONE. Maybe there are fleeting glimpses of it somewhere in the movie, but from what I can see it’s just plain ‘ol poorly costumed dick in vagina. A good porn that does not make.
I get it, Evan Stone has a contract with Hustler, but the fact that he’s in almost every XXX parody drives me bananas. It’s unnecessary…. just let the guy retire already.
Then there’s Gargamel… his eyebrows give me the heebie geebies. That balding wig is just tacky. And his awkward flailing while muttering ‘rise my minion‘ to a glob of green play-doh, followed by a puff of animated smoke and hand convulsions makes me want to do bad things to him… and not in a potentially good way either. Oh, and that potato sack dress, can we please just not.
Though I will admit, the bleeping of cuss words (video above) was pretty epic, I honestly couldn’t stop myself from rewinding and watching over and over while laughing so hard I almost peed.
All in all, I think the real reason I hate it so much has something to do with staring at those blue painted bodies… it just brings back horrible visuals of the fiasco that was This Ain’t Avatar XXX, and that was a doozy… one that made me want to punch myself in the face on more than one occasion.
At least it has one thing going for it, something I missed with the Avatar version: blue dicks. I just wonder how long the paint will last. Judging by the continuity issues with Smurfettes lipstick, I’m guessing not very long.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again; if you’re gonna make a porn – even a parody – take some serious funds from your multi-million dollar empire and invest it like the makers of the awe inspiring Pirates did. Otherwise, gtfo!
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Following in the footsteps of one of my all-time fave sex toy reviewers, I was interviewed by Xbiz Premiere for the June issue of their magazine. I know that for most of you this wont seem like that big of a deal, but as far as adult industry publications go, this is HUGE!
The portion I’m in is the “Blogger Spotlight”, something they started a few months back featuring those that blog within the realm of sexuality, sex and intimate accessories.
To read the interview you can check their digital version (just click “view current issue online”) or download the PDF, though I’ll admit the file is huge, really huge, so reading it online (or here) might be your best options. For those with computers that take a long time to load, or others that are simply too lazy to view things if it requires clicking about (joking! well, kinda), I’ve posted a full copy below with links to the products/things I talked about. If you choose to hit up the online edition, I’m on page 101, though being on 102 might have been just that little bit cooler, what with Sex Ed 102 and all.
Regardless of the page, I’m super excited about this and so very thankful to the lovely Ariana Rodriguez for including me.
Kara_Sutra Delivers Sex Ed, Toy Advice With Signature Approachability
By Ariana Rodriguez
Kara_Sutra became known for hosting “Sex Ed 102: all the things you didn’t learn … but should have,” a popular web series in which she shed light on the topic of healthy sexuality with information and advice directed at inquiring adults. Inspired by the lack of sex-related knowledge she encountered while working at an adult shop, Kara_Sutra’s blog and video series is fueled by viewer/reader questions about sex and consumer interest in the booming sex toy marketplace. “Her sweet and friendly demeanor dotted with sly humor, the occasional trucker’s mouth, and fantastic natural cleavage has won her a large and supportive fan base,” Kara_Sutra’s bio says, and she maintains her relationship with fans by keeping an open stream of communication via social media.
When did Kara_Sutra Reviews & Sex Ed 102 launch, and what inspired their creation?
Sex Ed 102 started back in March of 2007, with the reviews following shortly after. During a shift at the adult novelty store where I was employed a gentleman asked if I could help, he stated that he had “poked” his girlfriends vagina and “it didn’t do anything,” leaving him to wonder what he was doing wrong. I asked him what he meant by “poked,” to which he replied (while motioning with his hands) that he had poked it, like literally poked it. At that moment two things came to me: why would someone tell him to do that (?!), followed by that poor girl laying there being poked at — what a horrible experience that must have been. It was that night that I went home and made what became the first video in the series “Things Boys Need To Know About Sex”. Within the first 24 hours of being on YouTube it gained just over 100,000 hits, and although that isn’t very much by today’s standards, back then it was considered a viral video. Almost instantly my inbox was flooded with questions regarding sex or sex toys, making it apparent to me that there was an obvious need for this type of information, and prompting me to continue making videos.
*The video link I included isn’t the original, and therefore doesn’t show the true view count the video received (which was close to 2 million before YouTube killed my account), it’s just a mirrored copy someone posted a few years back. Looking at the video now I shudder with wtf was I thinking moments! Ugh, #failvideo
How have your blogs and videos evolved since they launched?
When I first started I didn’t really know what I was doing, the attention and growth happened almost overnight, leaving me to create videos as I saw fit. Initially my videos were only around three minutes in length and although the information I offered was well researched, I wasn’t quite sure of how to present it, finding myself talking to the camera as if I was talking to a friend. At the time it worked, but with changes to the policies within YouTube’s structuring I had to make necessary adjustments to allow the videos to stay on the site. Fortunately that worked in my favor as it forced my videos to become much more professional, respectful, gender-inclusive and structured. Now my videos are free of distracting background music, longer in length to present all the information I want to offer, cover a much larger range of topics as well as much more luxurious products. Looking back at the first few videos I cringe, especially when comparing them to the level of quality I’m creating now. I’ve since left YouTube and now place my videos on Blip.tv, they allow the content I provide without any issues and have much better customer service.
How would you describe your relationship with your readers?
My relationship with my readers and viewers is pretty amazing, most of the videos and blog posts were inspired by questions they sent in, with their feedback being my guide for future topics. I’m a social media butterfly so communication flows from Twitter to Facebook, Pinterest to Tumblr, and includes everything from answering questions about sex to guiding them to products best suited for their needs, helping them through personal issues to general bantering. In turn they’ve showed me the utmost loyalty a girl could ask for, honestly, if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t be where I am today. They are awesome and I’m exceptionally grateful!
Please provide an “anatomy of Kara_Sutra product review.” What factors of a product’s design and functionality do you cover?
In regard to product reviews, my main focus has always been providing an honest, reliable and open-minded review, while also offering the “best of the best” to my viewers with an emphasis on affordability, quality, safety and ease of use. Having said that, if a product doesn’t work for me (personally) I’ll do my best to cover it in way that’s honest but respectful, for instance the T-Rex made by Tantus is a BEAST and just didn’t work with my body, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t others who would absolutely love it, especially with the level of quality it has to offer. Judging by the number of people who regularly ask for shopping advice I think I’ve done a pretty good job so far.
Current industry trend in product design that you’d like to see more of?
The level of quality being offered now is exceptional, especially when compared to when I first started. I’d personally love to see more body safe products being made, with attention being given to discreet designs and luxurious materials (Crystal Delights, Jollies, Njoy and the Leaf collection being prime examples).
I’m a sex-positive advocate, reviewer, vlogger, branding, media and publicity creation consultant. In 2007 I created a series on YouTube called Sex Ed 102 to educate on sex positivity, pleasure products, sex tips, tricks, & techniques, contraception options, and STI info. To date Sex Ed 102 has gained over 17 million views on YouTube alone! Keep reading...
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ther or not you believe in that type of thing really doesn’t matter to me. I just know it was something I was good at, liked, and felt good doing. It grounded me in a way many previous things hadn’t, and more importantly, it allowed me to ‘connect’ to both myself and the world around me in quite a remarkable way.
For me, they go beyond the realm of ‘sex toy’; they’re works of art carved from one of the most beautiful materials our planet can produce, with the ability to carry energy, shift emotions, heal, and restore in a way others can’t. I know, I know, I probably sound like I’m spewing a bunch of bullshit hocus-pocus-mumbo-jumbo you’d expect from the likes of our friend Miss Cleo… of course that’s not my intention (nor the way I made a living, don’t get it twisted).
Sylvester Stallone fans rejoice, 
naked and fully clothed disco dancing for no apparent reason.
As for Rocky’s man bits, you do get to see them, quite often actually, however it’s never hard or raging, instead remaining in it’s flaccid state for every damn scene. Not cool Rocky, so not cool.
