Many more people than you’d think take great pleasure in bondage play. Regardless of the way society views it, BDSM is all about taking the physical & mental stimulation experienced during sex and shifting it to the extreme; exploring exploitation of established power dynamics within a relationship in a safe and consensual way. Although the play involved may get dark or heavy, there is the greater understanding of respect & boundaries since the activities are often considered to be unacceptable in day to day scenarios. Should two people consent to these activities though, a very sensual and satisfying experience can be had.
For those curious, here’s what goes down in a typical BDSM type encounter:
Setting Boundaries
The first thing that should be established is an understanding between everyone that’s about engage in any kind of BDSM play. This is when people explain what kind of physical or verbal conduct is okay and what isn’t. Someone who might be okay with giving up sexual control might not be okay with being called a sex object or otherwise demeaned. In the same vein, someone who wants some spanking and hair-pulling might ask that nothing be done that risks any blood being drawn. The goal here is to understand what each person wants from the encounter as well as what they don’t. If there’s going to be a “safe word” to take both people out of play, now is when it will be put forward.
The Preparation Phase
Once everyone is on the same page, it’s time to get any accessories together so you’re well prepared. Engaging in BDSM play often requires more than just condoms and a bit of lube. While there are many different ways of exploring, restraints usually factor in. This can be a bathrobe sash, a length of rope, or even purpose-made handcuffs just for the occasion (ewsingles.com often describes gear related to BDSM for those curious). Since BDSM often deals with one partner being at the whims of the other, some physical tools can help to create this environment of power exchange.
So the preparation phase largely has to deal with getting all of the necessary equipment ready & clean for the session at hand. Spanking paddles, ice cubes for temperature play, the works. Preparation is key for creating a fantastic uninterrupted BDSM scene.
The Scene Itself
The next portion is the actual act of BDSM, often referred to as a “scene” by experienced practitioners. Wikipedia has a stellar glossary for other BDSM related terms. What’s important now is to actually put the plans into motion. This is when people get tied up and exchange in power dynamics. BDSM encompasses a wide array of different acts, some more outlandish than others. It’s called a scene largely because there is a degree of acting or roleplay involved. Anyone participating may likely have an entirely different life outside of the BDSM dungeon, they need to shelve this persona to make room for their bondage involved role.
For the dominant, that means taking charge and cementing their place as the person who “drives” the encounter, while for the submissive it means accepting their role as, well, subservient. Once both people are in the mood and everything is set up, the scene can begin. The long-form of BDSM is Bondage, Discipline, Submission, and Masochism. The bondage refers to physically restraining someone in some way using some form of restraint. Next comes discipline, where the dominant person asserts their control & dominance over the other usually through the creation of rules and expectations unique to each sexual encounter. Submission is, of course, the submissive filling in their part of the bargain, seeking to either deal with the consequences that require “discipline” or doing their best to fall within the rules created by the dominant. Finally, the masochism aspect deals with deriving sexual pleasure from either humiliation or pain, essentially the physical & mental sides of the same coin. All four of these work together to create a BDSM scene for everyone involved to delight in.
Aftercare
What most people fail to consider when talking about BDSM is what comes afterward. It isn’t uncommon for a BDSM session to be over an hour long with lots of whipping, extreme sexual gratification, and of course a few less than flattering things being said in the heat of the moment. Aftercare deals with how the two partners return to their “true” selves after engaging in a scene. Typically this takes the form of the dominant person dressing any and all wounds suffered by the submissive so the physical aftershocks of the scene are dealt with. It also involves them being a little bit subservient to them, making sure they are at their most comfortable as well as keeping their needs for food and water met.
The mental aspects of aftercare are not to be understated at the same time. After spending time talking about how worthless someone is or how they’re only good as a sex slave, mental aftercare deals with reminding them that those things were said as part of the scene and not a reflection of how that person is actually conceptualized. Even your average Ned Flanders types can engage in BDSM play within the comforts of their own home. Once a scene is over, this person will remind their partner as to how they actually see them and why that person is worthwhile in their life.
Conclusion
If you notice, a lot more care goes into BDSM before and after a scene than during it. The scene is merely a way of acting out base desires that for whatever reason appeal to us as sexual beings. Preparing for that scene requires some time since you aren’t using materials typical of anyone’s day to day life, and of course, you need to make sure your partner is actually consenting to what is about to occur. When the scene’s over, it’s time to indulge in some quality aftercare that’s pretty much on the other end of the spectrum that BDSM lies on normally. Going from extreme hedonism to altruism helps to balance out the mental & physical states of both involved, leaving only sexual pleasure as a reminder of what has occurred.
