Contrary to being included in #WTFWednesday, I’m actually a huge fan of sex dolls.
Seriously. I’m not joking.
It’s so bad that my computer has an ENTIRE BOOKMARKED FOLDER of links dedicated to them; from quirky sports gear and horror stories, to photography, more photography, and sex doll comparisons (if you’ve ever been curious, start there), artistic takes, short films, mainstream movies, interviews with doll connoisseurs, tours of a top notch sex doll factory, and shoes, I kid you not, THERE ARE BLOW UP DOLL SHOES (it’s not what you expect). Everything considered, I think I’ve got all the bases covered.
Before I make things really awkward, let’s clear something up… I’m not referring to the blow up sex dolls easily found on the interwebs. In truth, I find them cheap, tacky and useless (they break faster than a $1 air mattress after 10 minutes in the hot sun, trust me). Sure, it’s totally plausible they’ll get you off, but if I had a dick, I don’t think the pixelated face, new shower curtain smell, and plastic vaginal slit would cut it. Especially since there are some pretty decent masturbators available for around the same price… without the sound of balloons rubbing together or the worry they’ll pop the second you lay on them.
What I’m talking about is the real sex dolls, the ones so freakishly human in appearance they’re unnerving. Having said that, it’s not the dolls I’m baffled by (shit, if I had a dick you can bet your sweet ass I’d try one on for size. #truth), it’s the “accessories” and “add-ons” that leave me staring perplexedly.
This video which makes everything exceptionally real
Now let’s take that one step further…
Aside from wanting a different color, I have no idea why a person would need to replace an eyeball… has it lost its glossy sheen? Did the smooth texture get permanently ruined by a haphazard shot of jizz? Did one just happen to *pop* out mid bang and go rolling across the floor, forever lost to the floor vent? Skull fuck gone wrong? Did it dent? chip? break? crack? fade?… I could go on but I’m totally lost for words.
Imagine the scene should some poor unsuspecting roommate or elderly family member open a discreetly marked delivery box, only to find a set of eyes (God forbid it be just one) looking back at them. It’s the thing heart attacks and police phone calls are made of. Having recently found a box with a hand in it while cleaning (don’t ask, it’s not what you think), I know all too well the potential trauma that could ensue.
Considering they start at $45 a pop, these babies aren’t cheap. Want veins? No problem, that’ll cost you an extra $25.
Living a fantasy is one thing, but jamming an eye in a dolls head just so you can get off to a different colored iris is a whole other. God forbid you put it in backwards, how the fuck would you get it out? Ain’t nobody got time for that!
I gotta tell ya, I can’t help looking at these things without cringing. They just look scary… although I will admit, the ones with the little peg coming out of the lower jaw kinda look like a squirt gun of sorts. Which makes them a bit more fun. Albeit fucked up, but still.
Think $45 for an eye ball is outrageous? You can get a set of teeth for $50, or upgrade to a full mouth piece for $200. I’m actually surprised they don’t offer the option of a blinged out grill. Now that would be hardcore.
If there’s an add-on that makes total sense to me, it’s the labia repair kit; between the friction of sex and possible lack of attention to detail while cleaning, I can see how a labia might get a little lackluster over time. My problem with it: considering all the Pinterest fails floating around, one can only assume repairing a labia with no previous experience could only turn out terribly.
It’s like arts ‘n crafts meets labiaplasty. But not. The difference: when you make a mess in arts and crafts you can throw some glitter on that shit and call it a day. Screw this up and you’re pretty much done for.
Wanna try your hand at it? The whole kit and caboodle will only set you back $30. Go on, you know you want to.
Although having a room full of interchangeable heads would work wonders at keeping the dream alive, I just don’t know if I can get down with this. Why, you ask?
The description says it all…
“Now its easier then ever to order additional faces for your RealDoll2. Simply select the options you want below and then click the purchase button.
*The RealDoll Classic faces adhere to the Classic skulls with Velcro. The RealDoll2 faces adhere to the RealDoll2 skulls with magnets. The Wicked RealDoll faces and the RealDoll2 J, L, & M faces are full head faces and go on a full head skull. The faces match to the skulls they are sold with as mentioned above, they are not interchangeable with the other skulls.”
They lost me at velcro, magnets, and head skull. For a mere $500 this too could be yours.
Forgive my ignorance, but I have so many questions about these: is it just for when you’re not having oral sex and don’t want to be having a conversation with a gaping hole in a head? Does it do anything other than sit in a mouth? Is it compatible with the different oral inserts? Is it firm? Squishy? Is it the type of silicone that attracts lint? How do you keep it in place? When you kiss the doll (which I’d assume most would do) does it move around or just sit there?
And most importantly, considering most high quality silicone sex toys will last a lifetime with a minimum amount of care, what the fuck did you do that you need to replace it???
Seriously, this is the one that really and truly leaves my mind boggled. I just, I can’t.
Bum Hole Insert:
It’s common knowledge humans generally don’t have a problem with gaping assholes, however this doesn’t look to be the case with sex dolls. I guess the company realized this wasn’t very attractive and created something to remedy the situation. That or there were far too many requests for such a thing.
One part chewing gum, one part balloon knot, enter the bum hole insert. I can only imagine what people were using before these fun little guys came around.
At the very least it’ll keep your doll from becoming a home for misguided ants or rodents.
Side note: They’d probably also make for a pretty great cat toy, just give them a rub down with some potent catnip first.
Truth be told, I don’t have a problem with all the random parts and pieces. I don’t even find them that weird. It’s just that most of the fun comes with the illusion; an effect that would disappear rather quickly should I find myself spending an hour haphazardly screwing in a new jaw, only to realize that like most IKEA furniture, I did it wrong… and trying to fix it would only make matters worse. #FuckYouIkea
With my apparent obsession I’ve often wondered if the life of a traveling sex doll repair person could be a lucrative career change. You know, kinda like a Geek Squad for worn out cooches or missing eyes (might get me to use my melon baller).
If you’re thinking the same thing don’t bother, that jobs already taken.
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