Contrary to being included in #WTFWednesday, I’m actually a huge fan of sex dolls.

Seriously. I’m not joking.

Having said that, I don’t get sexually aroused by them. Which I guess probably seems even weirder. For me it’s not a *sex* thing… I’m just, fascinated.

It’s so bad that my computer has an ENTIRE BOOKMARKED FOLDER of links dedicated to them; from quirky sports gear and horror stories, to photography projects, more photography, and sex doll comparisons (if you’ve ever been curious, start there), artistic takes, short films, mainstream movies, interviews with doll connoisseurs, tours of a top notch sex doll factory, and shoes, I kid you not, THERE ARE BLOW UP DOLL SHOES (I promise, it’s not at all what you expect).

Everything considered, I think I’ve got all the bases covered.

Before I make things really awkward, let’s clear something up… I’m not referring to the blow up sex dolls easily found on the interwebs. No, no. Not those.

In truth, I find them cheap, tacky, and useless. Sure, it’s totally plausible they’ll get you off, but if I had a dick, I don’t think the pixelated face, new shower curtain smell, and plastic vaginal slit would cut it. Especially since there are some pretty decent masturbators available for around the same price… without the sound of balloons rubbing together or the worry they’ll pop the second you lay on them.

What I’m talking about is the real sex dolls, the ones so freakishly human in appearance they’re unnerving. Having said that, it’s not the dolls I’m baffled by (shit, if I had a dick you can bet your sweet ass I’d try one on for size. #truth), it’s the “accessories” and “add-ons”, basically the sex doll parts, that leave me staring perplexedly.

For example…

This video which makes everything exceptionally real

Now let’s take that one step further…

Doll Eyes

Aside from wanting a different color, I have no idea why a person would need to replace an eyeball… has it lost its glossy sheen? Did the smooth texture get permanently ruined by a haphazard shot of jizz? Did one just happen to *pop* out mid bang and go rolling across the floor, forever lost to the air vent? Skull fuck gone wrong? Did it dent? chip? break? crack? fade?… I could go on but I’m totally lost for words.

Imagine the scene should some poor unsuspecting roommate or elderly family member open a discreetly marked delivery box, only to find a set of eyes (God forbid it be just one) looking back at them. It’s the thing heart attacks and 911 calls are made of. Having recently found a box with a hand in it (don’t ask, it’s not what you think), I know all too well the potential trauma that could ensue.

Considering they start at $45 a pop, these babies aren’t cheap. Want veins? No problem, that’ll cost you an extra $25.

Living a fantasy is one thing, but jamming an eye in a dolls head just so you can get off to a different colored iris is a whole other. God forbid you put it in backwards, how the fuck would you get it out? Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Oral Inserts

I gotta tell ya, I can’t help looking at these things without cringing. They just look scary… although I will admit, the ones with the little peg coming out of the lower jaw kinda look like a squirt gun of sorts. Which makes them a bit more fun. Albeit fucked up, but still.

Is it just me or do you also hear the voice of a backwoods hick ringing horrifically in you ears… “he got a real purty mouth ain’t he“. Deliverance, I blame you for this. *shudders*

Think $45 for an eye ball is outrageous? You can get a set of teeth for $50, or upgrade to a full mouth piece for $200. I’m actually surprised they don’t offer the option of a blinged out grill. Now that would be hardcore.

Labia Repair Kit

If there’s an add-on that makes total sense to me, it’s the labia repair kit; between the friction of sex and possible lack of attention to detail while cleaning, I can see how a labia might get a little lackluster over time. My problem with it: considering all the Pinterest fails floating around, one can only assume repairing a labia with no previous experience could only turn out terribly.

It’s like arts ‘n crafts meets labiaplasty. But not.

The difference: when you make a mess in arts and crafts you can throw some glitter on that shit and call it a day. Screw this up and you’re pretty much done for. Although a sparkly labia does have a certain appeal.

Don’t want to spend time arts and crafting a labia, just buy a labia insert. Done and done.

Then there’s this video…

Extra Faces

Although having a room full of interchangeable heads would work wonders at keeping the dream alive, I just don’t know if I can get down with this.

The description says it all…

Replacement Tongue

Forgive my ignorance, but I have so many questions about these…

Is it for when you’d rather not have a conversation with a gaping hole in a head?

Does it do anything other than sit in a mouth?

Is it compatible with the different oral inserts?

Is it firm? Or squishy? Or velvety? Or…?

Is it the type of silicone that attracts lint?

How do you keep it in place?

When you kiss the doll (which I’d assume most would do) does it move around or just sit there?

And most importantly, considering most high quality silicone sex toys will last a lifetime with a minimum amount of care, what the fuck did you do that you need to replace it???

Seriously, this is the one that really and truly leaves my mind boggled. I just, I can’t.

And this video… which is by far probably my favorite.

And finally, the pièce de résistance…

Bum Hole Insert

It’s common knowledge humans generally don’t have a problem with gaping assholes, however this doesn’t look to be the case with sex dolls.  I guess the company realized this wasn’t very attractive and created something to remedy the situation. That or there were far too many requests for such a thing.

One part chewed up gum. One part balloon knot. Enter the bum hole insert. I can only imagine what people were using before these fun little guys came around.

At the very least it’ll keep your doll from becoming a home for misguided ants or rodents.

Side note: They’d probably also make for a pretty great cat toy, just give them a rub down with some potent catnip first.

End rant.

Truth be told, I don’t have a problem with all the random parts and pieces. I don’t even find them that weird. It’s just that most of the fun comes with the illusion; an effect that would disappear rather quickly should I find myself spending an hour haphazardly screwing in a new jaw, only to realize that like most IKEA furniture, I did it wrong… and trying to fix it would only make matters worse. #FuckYouIkea

With my apparent obsession I’ve often wondered if the life of a traveling sex doll repair person could be a lucrative career change. You know, kinda like a Geek Squad for worn out cooches or missing eyes (might get me to use my melon baller).

If you’re thinking the same thing don’t bother, that jobs already taken.

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Ever wanted to know what it was like to have sex with a hot dog? Well, thanks to the Si-X Type f Sleeve you’re in luck. I mean really, who doesn’t want to bang something that’s all rubbery and sweaty from the microwave?

If the image to the left wasn’t enough to make you wonder what the fuck the deal was, there’s the one to the right. Maybe it’s just me, but I can’t help but think someone must have had a thing for chewed up gum when they designed it. Yum?

No matter how I look at it I don’t see a vagina, nor anything else I’d want to stick my hypothetical dick in… it’s more like a slug with a gaping bum hole. Yes I went there. Look at it, how could I not!?

Speaking of slugs, for those that were lucky enough to miss out on Biology class, and the horrific dissection of some poor dead creature that came with it, someone went to the liberty of slicing the Si-X Sleeve in half just so you could see its insides. #science

If all that didn’t make your dick traumatically retreat, there’s the pictures below to work with. The stretchy one isn’t too bad, comparatively speaking of course, as for the other…  I guess you need a penis to understand, because frankly, I just don’t get the weird hotdog water sports. *shrugs*

Oh hay, in case I forgot to mention, it also comes in black, grey, and white. You know, for those times when a pink hot dog/slug/worm just won’t cut it.

Looking for even more wtf’ness? check out the seriously freaky Cyberflesh Mouth and Breasts, The Concubine, Mr.Jack, and the pencil sharpener turned Dildomaker  – I shit you not, these things are things!

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I debated including this as part of #FunFindFriday because in my world a pencil sharpener turned Dildomaker is seriously fun. Then my logical and rational sides kicked in, bringing me continuously back to a big ‘ol wtf?

I’m probably wrong, but I think I saw it in one of the Saw movies. If not, they should seriously consider the inclusion, it could do wonders for the franchise.

I’ll concede, it’s genius… in a very absurd way.  Just think how exciting boring rainy days could be! Scrap booking would be a thing of the past.  Grocery shopping would take on a whole new life. Moreover, you’d never have to buy a sex toy again, especially with all the options; everything would basically become a penis in waiting.

Though to be honest, the actual thought of it makes me squirm; no matter how many times I try not to, I can’t help but think of an actual penis in a pencil sharpener; the blade spinning, slicing, and reshaping it to a generalized perfection. Yeah, not the best visual.

Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on who you are (I won’t lie, I do want one!), the Dildomaker is just a concept and not a real thing, yet.

Created by Francesco Morackini, the idea behind it is to “provide the users what they really want: “Pleasure” and moreover “sexual pleasure”. The Dildomaker is just a tool which doesn’t give pleasure directly. The distance created here on purpose, tries to raise questions on our relationship between us and manufactured products.”

Yeah, we get it Francesco, you’re smart and we’re not. Blabbity, blah, blah.

Regardless of how cool it is, and whether or not it’ll actually come to life at some point, the sad fact remains that just like every other sex toy, machine, technological advancement, or gadget, the novelty of the Dildomaker would eventually wear out its welcome, finding home on a dusty shelf tucked away in a cupboard somewhere… his Prohibition Kit on the other hand, now that’s another seriously kick ass invention. One that would likely see a lifetimes worth of use in my humble abode.

For those of you that want more info, head on over to the Cargo Collective website and take a look around.

Looking for even more wtf’ness? check out the seriously freaky Cyberflesh Mouth and Breasts,  The Concubine and Mr.Jack – they’re even more hideous… in every way possible.

Sit back, relax, let me come to you. Sign up through the form below and get my posts sent straight to your inbox. Don’t worry, I promise not to spam you!

While struck with insomnia a few nights ago I found myself tweeting images of horrible sex toys I’d found. Then this thing happened and I just couldn’t help but create a blog post for it.

Yes, it was just that bad.

Consider this the start of #WTFWednesday. You have the Cyberflesh Mouth & Breasts to thank for that.

Very rarely am I totally perplexed by a sex toy, but this thing. MY GOD! This thing just leaves me all kinds of speechless & bewildered.

I mean, what the fuckity fuck is it? A duck billed platypus mixed with a fish, mixed with a creepy boggly eyed hand muppet puppet (look at it upside down), fused with a cheap ass rubber chicken? Yes, yes it is.  AND YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO PUT YOUR DICK IN IT.  In case you don’t want to waste time flipping your head to look at it, I’ve done you the luxury of turning it around for you below. I think I’m officially traumatized.

After staring at it for some time I think it’s what I would expect to see if I tripped balls on acid and had a paranoid freak out moment where rabid leprechauns caught Animal from the Muppets and skinned him alive in front of me. *shudders*

It’s just wrong. Every kind of wrong. Every. Kind.

And really, is that supposed to look like warts on the wrist part shaft? Because it does. And it’s obscene.

I’d like to find the person that created this and shake the shit out of them while screaming angrily: “wtf is wrong with you?! Why in the name of all that is holy would you manufacture this?! You’re part of what’s wrong with the industry!” Then I’d break down and cry like a baby in the fetal position.

Of course this isn’t the only scary sex toy out there, for more check out  The Concubine and Mr.Jack – they’re hideous in every way possible.

Sit back, relax, let me come to you. Sign up through the form below and get my posts sent straight to your inbox. Don’t worry, I promise not to spam you!