I figured that since it’s October I’d set the tone for the month with something a lil bit freaky, kinky and/or scary. Now, considering the fact that I’ve tweeted, facebooked and linked the hell out of them, the creepy and bizarre Fleshlight products probably aren’t going to be anything new to some of you. However, since I also know there are a few who don’t do the ‘social media’ thing and instead only subscribe to my blog (or check it every so often) I thought I’d add it here, ’cause well – I don’t want to be the only person with them seared into my brain when I lay down to sleep at night.
To be honest, when I first saw them I thought it was a prank. Something akin to an bad April Fools joke or an episode of Punk’d gone awry. Alas, I was wrong. Dead wrong. Each and every one of these terrifying looking vaginas and penis’s is real, crafted out of Fleshlights patented SuperSkin material or platinum cured silicone no less.
Of course I’m not one to judge, hell, I’ve spent a night or two fantasizing about what Jacob’s werewolf dong might look like should he happen upon me like a bitch in heat, but there’s just something about these that makes me wonder if the hype is all it’s cracked up to be. They’re stunning, I’m not arguing that, it’s the functionality that I find myself questioning.
*For the record, I think the details on the Cyber Dildo and the labia on the Drac Fleshlight are to die for! Furthermore, if companies like Bad Dragon, Whipspider Rubber Works and Divine Interventions can do it, who’s to say Fleshlight cant?
As I’ve said in previous posts regarding male sex toys – I don’t have a penis so I can’t judge the Vag’s for myself (though I’d love to hear from those that have done these gnarly beasts), and from what I can gather on the website the dicks are for ‘external purposes only’ (I’m assuming that’s a legal thing and not legit). So, for those of you that are into this sort of thing, be it dark and sinister role-play, or just a basic curiosity about sex with something from the beyond, this one goes out to you. May your fantasies be fulfilled and your wet-nightmares a thing of the past.
*I’ve taken the quotes from the website since I don’t have the products in my hand to make a proper description…and also because they’re far more entertaining then anything I could write. Copy and paste for the win! #fail
“Dead Nights Now Living”
“You must be warned. While fucking your brains out is usually the goal at hand, these creatures of the walking dead are in dire hunger. Have a necromantic night in the degrading skin of the Zombie Fleshlight or question yourself with the lifeless, yet vibrant deteriorating cock of the living dead.”
Fleshlight: “Fucking your brains out may not be the best idea, but how could you resist? Made with Fleshlight’s patented SuperSkin material in stunning detail, your dead nights will now always be living.“
Dildo: “This zombie wants your brains, and the only way to get them is to fuck them out of you! Made with healthcare-grade, platinum cured silicone in extreme detail by Fleshlight®, you better aim for the head.“
“For years the government has been trying to keep UFOs and the existence of extraterrestrial life an eyes-only secret. Now, Fleshlight is making the secret public in the most private of ways. Take a journey into an interstellar vortex of pleasure in the Alien Fleshlight, or welcome a probing by abducting the Alien’s cosmic cock.“
Fleshlight: “For years, increasing accounts of an Unidentified Fucking Object have been reported by mystified Fleshlight fans with little or no substantiating evidence. The denial of the existence of this object has driven the scandal to levels of near hysteria. Finally, after publicly rebuffing the existence of exxxtra-terrestrial fuckery, the once top-secret “Alien” is now being made available to the public from Fleshlight, the maker of the #1 selling sex toy for men“
Dildo: “What took light-years to arrive is now ready to be abducted in your deepest of spaces. Made with healthcare-grade, platinum cured silicone in extreme detail by Fleshlight®. You will cum-firm, not deny, its massive existence.”
“Born from the experiments of Fleshlight’s maddest of sex toy scientists comes a collection of the abhorred monster. Feel the scary pleasures of the stitched Frankenvag and witness a massive Frankencock of monstrous proportions.”
Fleshlight: “You will scream “It’s Alive!” when you experience the feeling of this abhorred monster. Made with Fleshlight’s® patented SuperSkin material in stunning detail, you are sure to have an electrifying night.”
Dildo: “There is only one monster this massive creation can belong to. Made with healthcare-grade, platinum cured silicone in extreme detail by Fleshlight®, you can now have what they say brought his wife to life.“
“I Want To Suck Your…”
“Beware of the alluring aesthetics of the Drac that Fleshlight has created or you may soon find yourself missing your most precious of fluids. Take a flight on the dark side in the winged Fleshlight, or get staked by the centuries old cock from the walker of the night.”
Fleshlight: “Take a flight on the dark side and have a fling in the wings. Made with Fleshlight’s® patented SuperSkin material in stunning detail, you can now have what the realm of the living has been missing for centuries.”
Dildo: “It’s your turn to get staked by the blood sucking nightwalker. Made with healthcare-grade, platinum cured silicone in extreme detail by Fleshlight®, you can have the centuries old famous cock.”
“Technology is progressing and it was only a matter of time before Fleshlight was able to create the most breathtaking of bionic experiences. Upload your cock into the intelligent design of the Cyborg Fleshlight, or experience the impressive organ of enhanced technological abilities with the Cyborg cock.”
Cyborg Fleshlight: “Get turned on by a bionic experience with the #1 selling product in Artificial Intercourse. Made with Fleshlight’s® patented SuperSkin material in stunning detail, you can now take your cock on a journey through the ejaculation super highway.”
Cyborg Dildo: “Breathtaking bionic experiences await you with this creation of artificial intercourse. Made with healthcare-grade, platinum cured silicone in extreme detail by Fleshlight®, you can now have an impressive organ of enhanced technological abilities.”
Update: Sadly you can no longer find any Fleshlight Freaks (except the Alien) on the Fleshlight website.