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News: Fleshlight Is Discontinuing Sex In A Can

Fan of the stuff Fleshlight does?

There’s some sad news you need to know; as of Aug. 29. 2014. Fleshlight is discontinuing Sex In A Can versions.

Why, you ask? I have no clue. I can only speculate they don’t sell as well as the company hoped, or they’re doing the whole ‘out with the old to make room for the new’ thing. Which is kinda exciting, if it is the case.

My point: if you wanted one but never got around to it, here’s your LAST CHANCE BEFORE THEY’RE GONE!

*Note: the above video was made with the original cans, they’ve since updated them to look like ‘real’ beer cans, a.k.a “Gold Label”. You can find them all below. Regularly they’re $55.95 each, but with the 25% off discount they’re only $48.95, a 3 pack will run you $131.95, saving you $36. Looking for other Fleshlight deals, find ’em here. While I’m at it, Jenna Haze has 2 new textured sleeves.

Sex In A Can: Sukit Draft  Sex In A Can: Lady LagerSex In A Can: O'doyle's Stout
Screen Shot 2014-08-07 at 5.51.27 PM

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The Big Bin of #SexToyFails: Part 1

Over the last 7 years of reviewing sex toys a lot of craptastic things have come my way. Some bored me, others gave me migraine inducing headaches, one had me ‘flailing like a maniac having a carpal tunnel fit‘, another was complete and utter torture. I’ve even gone so far as to liken a vibrator to a rabid bunny bashing at my bits. Ok, so that wasn’t the exact quote, but it’s close enough.

And that’s just the sex toy fails I’ve written about.

Not surprisingly there are more, many more. Most of which found themselves dumped in an over sized storage bin and tucked in the furthest corner of my closet never to be seen again…. until the desperate need to purge rolled around. Which leads us to this post.

Big Bin Of Sex Toy Fails

the big bin of fails in all its glory

Rather than spouting off my opinion based on appearances alone, which is what I tend to do with the horrors found in my #WTFWednesday posts, I’ve tested each of these (or had someone try, as was the case with the masturbators) and either thought they were so ridiculous that I couldn’t bring myself to write a full review, or had one session with them and said ‘nope, not doing this again’, banishing them to the bin forevermore.

Even with my displeasure, I’ll admit they’re not all horrible, heck some of you might even own a few and like them. But for me, these were deal breakers; sex toy fails I’ll never use again and couldn’t bare to dump on unsuspecting friends. That shit would just be cruel.

The Big Bin Of Sex Toy Fails

bounding bunny dual vibeRhythm O Bounding Bunny

Once upon a time I was a huge fan of rabbit vibes. There was something so alluring about slipping one inside, pushing a button or two, and laying back like a lazy little b while it did all the work. It was around this period that I acquired the Rhythm O Bounding Bunny, a dual vibe I thought to be promising.  However, after one use I realized it would be better off as roadkill…

Rather than your typical metal balls or pearls, the ‘rotations’ are carried out via what appears to be a half cob of corn covered by a heavy layer of saran wrap. And the spinning action, let’s just say the kernels undulate rather than turn… so not only are you having sex with thickly wrapped dinner left overs, now they’ve apparently been eaten by a transparent snake that’s writhing around inside your vadge. Get the visual, yeah not very hot is it?

Aside from that it’s heavy, big and bulky, isn’t very ergonomic, has far too many buttons controlling different things (making it difficult to manage when it’s stuffed inside you), is made of TPE (so although phthalate free, it’s still porous and can’t be fully sterilized), attracts lint and fluff like you wouldn’t believe, and requires 4 AAA batteries. Oh, and as an added bonus, any time you clench your PC muscles, it stops. Maybe I just don’t know my own strength. *smirk*

Everything considered, the vibe isn’t terrible, but it’s not great either. I’d say it lands somewhere between meh and blah. Not exactly the place you want to find your product sitting with a well versed sex toy reviewer. Sadly, the only thing it has going for it is the decently powerful clitoral stimulator, but you can find something similar without all the bulk or hefty price tag in a standard vibrating egg.

If you’re dead set on a dual vibe, one that’s body safe, rechargeable, and doesn’t look like a cob of corn, take a gander at a few other luxury options like the Lelo Ina 2, Je Joue Fifi, OhMiBod Freestyle W Rabbit, Vanity Vr6, or Envy Seven. For those of you looking for something cheaper, there’s the Fun Factory Tango, Joya Tulip, the unconventional Rock Chick, or maybe something within the Entice collection of dual vibes. Trust me, any of them are better than that damn bounding bunny


Fleshlight Blade & Fleshjack Sword

fleshlight blade swordI’ve been a fan of Fleshlight ever since I finger fucked one in the poorly lit corner of a sex shop nine years ago. The realistic appearance, soft and plush texture, and ergonomic design instantly gave birth to a penis envy I still can’t shake.

Having said that, of the over 15 different things I’ve received from Fleshlight, there were bound to be a few that left my testers unimpressed… for example, the Fleshlight Blade and Fleshjack Sword.

Don’t get me wrong, I get it, people want the option to control how tight something is and giving them a masturbator with a squishy body probably seemed like a really great idea, but here’s the problem; it just doesn’t work that well.

Before I go on let me say that the experience, i.e. what the sleeves deliver, is true to form and exactly what it should be with any Fleshlight. But that’s where the fun stops. There’s no other way to say it than these versions feel cheap, flimsy, and just don’t live up to the standard I’ve grown accustom to.

Judging by exterior appearances they don’t look too bad; they’re highly detailed, original in design, and come in bright blue or gold casings. However, for as attractive as they are, I wouldn’t say they’re discreet. Rather than blending into the background these bad boys stick out like a sore thumb. I won’t lie, if I saw something made of bright blue plastic that looked like the end of a sword, I’d sure as hell ask what it was, if not reach out and open it myself. Then again I’m nosy like that.

fleshlight blade sleeve compared to original fleshlightAs for the sleeves, they have smaller openings, are shorter in length, and sport thinner bodies than the original designs. If you bought a Fleshlight and found it to be too large, you might like them, but if you’re someone with a larger than average sized penis, you’ll probably have issues with insertion and use.

Also, I’ve been told they make a distracting ‘pffft’ sound with each thrust; unlike the original Fleshlight whose suction can be adjusted via a screw cap on the bottom, Blade and Sword have four little holes where the air gets pushed through during use. Not only is your experience slightly limited because of this, but as an added bonus you’ve now got four ways for the lube to dribble to the floor. Yay! #sarcasm.

On top of all that, the original versions are much easier to reassemble, just give them a good wash, cornstarch them up, and slide into place for safe keeping. Not the case with Blade or Sword. One of my testers went into graphic detail about how he used the end of his toothbrush to ‘angrily jam it into place’ while muttering profanities at it. Certainly not how a fake pussy should be treated.

fleshlight case compared to fleshlight swordOh, and once you finally do get the sleeve back in the cover, the cap refuses to stay put.  Push with all your might, force it if you have to, just know that no matter what you do, all your Sword/Blade wants to do is go commando. One knock to the floor and it’s game over, I’m not even referring to the lint they’ll pick up. If you ask me, Fleshlight did it right the first time around. #ScrewCapForTheWin.

Lastly, they kinda look like you’re fucking a pussy or ass that’s a pear. Literally. Probably not a big deal for many of you, but if you’re into banging edibles, may I instead suggest a hollowed pumpkin? One can only assume it’d be a lot more accommodating, cheaper too!

With everything I disliked about these two I think you’d be better off snagging an original Fleshlight or a Fleshlight Vibro. Looking for something a little smaller? the three different Sex In a Can versions are much better options. Want a good deal? Check my Fleshlight sale page, I’ve collected the best sales and even listed a few combo packs and products you won’t easily find on the website.


  baconlubeBacon Flavored Lube

When it comes to bacon flavored foods there’s a lot that I ‘get’. Take smokey bacon Lays potato chips for example, it’s a no-brainer. Bacon flavored pancakes, delish. Beggin strips, probably the only thing my dog would leave me for. Baconnaise, that shit’s just necessary (it’s vegan too!). Bloody Caesar’s rimmed with bacon salt and spiked with Bakon Vodka, now you’re speaking my language.

However, when you start getting into the realm of bacon flavored gumballs, bacon sunscreen, bacon chocolate bars, bacon lollipops, bacon lip balm, or bacon soda, among other things, it’s time to take a step back and reassess the situation.

Then there’s Bacon Flavored Lube… and almost instantly everything in me screams no, JUST. NO.

I’m going to be blatantly honest and say there is no point in time when I want to go down on a partner whose junk smells like it was just flipped out of a frying pan and served up with all day breakfast. And in the off chance that I absolutely had to, I’d hope to be pleasantly surprised. Instead what you’re greeted with is much closer to licking a pan where bacon grease was left cooling to a white coating, than what you’d get from eating actual bacon. It’s salty, musty, thick and pungent, slightly sweet, and wrong on every level. I think my partner summed it up best when he said “it’s bacony, but it’s disgusting!”

baconlubeforbreakfastMaking matters worse, the scent lingers long after you’ve attempted to lick/wash it off. My word of advice, don’t go to the dog park after. It’s creepy, and depending on who’s in the park that day, could potentially land you in the hospital. Or jail. #guardyourprivates

Also, it’s billed as a ‘personal lubricant and massage oil’. Considering I have a hard enough time stomaching the lube idea, the massage oil takes it to a whole other level. Why anyone would want to be slicked down with simulated bacon grease just so they could be massaged into a stinking mess is beyond me. Shit, I might understand if it was actually good, but it’s not. I say again, ‘it’s bacony, but it’s disgusting!”

Being a lover of flavored lubes I have no problem admitting there’s a certain charm to ones that smell like desert, fruits, or other goodness, but there is nothing charming about the smell of cooked meat on someone’s privates. Period.

Rather than assaulting your taste buds with the horrific concoction that is bacon lube, I’d suggest any of the Sliquid flavored lubes, System Jo Tangerine Dream, Raspberry Sorbet, or Chocolate DreamIntimate Organics Macadamia Nut, or Cinnamon Vanilla by Good Clean Love. None of them taste like the crap J&D’s make, and they’re better lubes because of it.

End Rant.

So there you have it, the first edition of my big bin of sex toy fails.

Like what you read? Make sure to sign up for my mailing list below and be the first to know when I add another 4 next month… here’s a few hints as to what they might be; one’s a ‘collectors dildo’ created by a designer, another would be much better as a kids stuffed tooth to prep for dentist visits, one tastes like a medicine I was given when I was 12 and had tonsillitis, the last had me terrified while bathing in murky bathwater. Trust me, you don’t want to miss out!

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#FunFindFriday: Glow in the Dark Fleshlight Freaks

feature

Around this time last year Fleshlight came out with the Freaks collection of male masturbators, included in the mix was a Zombie, Drac, Frankenstein, Alien, and a Cyborg… because ya know, we all have our freaky deeky kinks and stuff.

This time around they’ve taken it one step further, creating glow in the dark versions of everything but the Alien, sad Alien is sad. While I can’t quite get my head around why they would create them to begin with, there must be some hidden market of folks just dying for a clawed up Zombie puss that I just don’t know about, I have to admit they do look pretty effen interesting.  My only complaint; the pictures make them look like they have some kind of matte sheathy cocoon cover and absolutely no hole. Weird. Meh, whateve’s. It’s Fleshlight, I’m sure they know what they’re doing…

All things considered I guess the real question is, would I do one? You bet yer sweet ass I would! But then again I’ve also stuck a nuns head in my vag, had sex with a rainbow of sorts, stuffed a giant dino dink in my hole, and had my way with fun puff balls. So yeah, this wouldn’t be to far off the mark for me… let’s just say that if I had a cock, things might really get out of control. I’m counting my blessings as I type.

Having said all that, for as cool as they kinda are, I would’ve been much more impressed if they spent their money making a video of fully costumed ladies designed to be used in conjunction w/the vStroker. Just picture all that skin peeling, stitch faced, fangy, electronic goodness bopping around in front of you while banging your freaky lil Fleshlight vag. I know, it’s so hot. I can’t even imagine. Maybe we’ll get lucky next year? *shrugs*

Anyhoo, you can check them out yourselves below, or head on over to the Fleshlight Freaks Glow In The Dark webpage to get more info. Personally I prefer the original Freak versions, but that’s just me.

Oh and by the way, they’re only available for a week so stock the fuck up while you can!

For those of you that don’t know what a Fleshlight is, here ya go…

As for the glow versions…

Cyborg…

cyborg fleshlight glowing

Drac…

drac fleshlight glow glowing drac fleshlight

Frankenstein…

Zombie…

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Review: Succu Dry & Count Cockula ~ Fleshlights

fleshlightsuccudryI started October with a post about the insanely bizarre (and totally badass!) Fleshlight Freaks, followed up with a review of the Miss Diagnosed Nurse Costume, and now, to  launch us into the month known by die hard Twilight fans as ‘the one where Breaking Dawn came out’, I’ll be keeping with the theme by offering this review of the vampire mouthed Fleshlights; Count Cockula and Succu Dry.

Of course I totally understand that these wont appeal to everyone, in fact, I’m pretty sure they’ll appeal to very few of you. However, being that they’re made by one of my favourite companies, and feature one of my all time favourite undead ‘monsters’ I just couldn’t resist.

*For those of you interested, in the coming days I’ll be holding a giveaway that includes 1 Succu Dry, 1 Tantus Vamp Dildo, 1 Fleshlight Drac dildo and a bunch of other goodies to coincide with the November 18 release date of the film Breaking Dawn (you know, the one with the mopey girl who falls in love with a vampire, but can’t be with said vampire because he’s a vampire, yet still loves said vampire even though he can’t keep her warm at night, so she falls for a werewolf who can keep her warm but probably also smells like a wet dog once he’s been out in the rain. Vampire and girl have sex. Werewolf  looses his shit, epic battle between vampires and werewolves ensue, yadda, yadda, yadda…yeah, that one. Want a more simplistic view of of the movie – check The Oatmeal, How Twilight Works)

*Totally proud of myself for finding a way to work The Oatmeal into a post about sex toys and vampires!! <- nod to Tosh 2.0 on that one.

Packaging

Succu Dry

Just like the majority of Sex In A Can  products the packaging is pretty stellar, and while the vampire versions may not be the most discreet, they’re definitely one a kind and branded exactly as I’d expect with red, black and white coloring, cheesy yet hilarious descriptions and graphic designs that are some of the best you’ll find on a male masturbator.

*They got the amazing designer Hydro74 to do the artwork, no wonder they’re so badass!

Each of the fake cans has quite a bit of weight to it (coming in at around a pound) and like a regular beer or pop can, has a flip tab lid (because the tab is part of the case it can’t be opened). The outer casing is made of solid plastic in a silverish tone with a matte finish that’s rather basic, I can only assume they were going for the ‘undead’ gray tone with that. Due to the writing and imagery I’m pretty sure they’re not something someone would immediately identify as as “sex toy”. However, if they pick it up and open it, you can bet your sweet ass they’ll ask what it is. You’ve been warned.

Succu Dry

The ‘straight’ version – Succu Dry – features a graphic design of  slightly pissed looking female vamp on the front, red and white tribal design around the top of the can, a ‘warning’ on one side and product description on the other. In true Fleshlight fashion, both are cheekily written:

Government Warning: (1) Guidelines for sex with vampires, the Nosferatu, Succubi, or other undead have not been established, but the rumors are gushing! (2) Should bleeding from the canine incisions in the neck occur in combinations of feelings of ecstasy, uncontrolled ejaculation, and submission, path with garlic to prevent excess fedding and seek consecrated ground before calling 911. Or just enjoy!“”

Feed The Need – Take a walk on the dark side and get familiar with this pale brew. But be careful! Though this may feel like love at first bite, make sure you have your wood poised to penetrate before you get completely drained! Enjoy to excess to ensure encounters with Succu Dry are A-Positive experience.”

Count Cockula

count cockula

The ‘gay’ version – Count Cockula – features the lower half of a male vampires face, complete with baring teeth and a trickle of blood on the lips. Splashed across the front in bright metallic red is the word “Cockula”, with the top of the letter “k” shaped like an erect penis (clever little so and so’s aren’t they!).  Unlike the Succu Dry can which had a tribal design around the top, there’s a solid black band with the word “Fleshjack” in white print that’s bordered by two thin red wisp designs. One side of the can has a ‘Government Warning’ and on the other, a similarly cheeky product description:

Government Warning: May cause full body convulsions and light-headedness. May also give your cock life after death. Call your doctor if erections last longer than four thousand years. To end erections cause by Count Cock-ula Soda, just kiss a guy with garlic breath. That always kills our vampire erections.”

Soda with Bite! Teeth are usually the last thing you want when getting sucked off. But with Count Cock-ula, the fear of being bitten is all the fun. So get ready to polish up your stake and drive it into this soft, vampire mouth for an orgasm that will wake the dead.

 The Good

As I’ve said in nearly every Fleshlight review, I can’t help but be impressed. Sure the vampire versions may be out of the ordinary (read ‘bizarre’, ‘freaky’, ‘kinky’) but that’s just part of their charm. I mean really, how many other vampire blow job devices are there? I’m betting on less than 5, possibly less than 3 – including these 2 – which only leaves the possibility of one more, which I’m going to assume would be a far crappier version – and that’s even if it exists to begin with.

When it comes to material, the fanged and crooked toothed mouth is crafted out of the same soft and pliable Real Feel Super Skin® all major Fleshlight products are made from, offering a high-quality texture that’s specially designed to replicate the sensation of penetrative sex. Fortunately the entire sleeve (read ‘mouth’) is made this way, eliminating the painful experience real fangs and teeth might provide.

Both also adjust to body temperature rather quickly, retaining heat very well. If you’d like to alter the sensation from the start, simply place them in warm water until they reach the desired temperature then remove for use ( just remember DO NOT boil or microwave it them – you WILL ruin them!)

In regard to the stats you’re looking at 7 3/4″ total length (all useable), a total circumference of 9 1/4′ (the can), an entrance that will comfortably fit up to an inch girth and a total width of 2/34 inches.  Taking those figures into consideration, I do want to make it clear that while it may seem fairly accommodating, because the sleeve has extra material all the way around to help it fill up the can and stay in place, it can be rather tight. Some might like it, some might not, either way I figured it was worth mentioning.

For the most part its exceptionally easy to use, just unscrew the cap, pour some lube down the interior, think dirty thoughts about vampires and go to it! If you’re looking for a better suction, or to experiment with the sensations simply unscrew the bottom cap until the desired effect is achieved.

Feedback

Since I can’t use the products myself I had to hand them off to folks who’s honest opinions I trust, this is what they had to say…

*names have been removed to protect my testers privacy, each was given one can to sample, a Succu Dry or Count Cockula respectively.

First Impressions:

Count Cockula Tester –  “I really don’t know what to say about this. On the one hand it’s a pretty cool concept. On the other, the thought of ramming my man bits in a vampires mouth is kinda scary. Yes I know it’s fake, but still…”

Succu Dry Tester –  “Okay, this is kind of freaky looking. So long as I get to pretend it’s that hot chick from Underworld I’ll do it!”

After Use:

Count Cockula Tester–  “Well, I can honestly say that was interesting. It was a little uncomfortable at first (he didn’t use lube) but then it got way better (after he added lube). The internal fang things felt really bizarre, they didn’t hurt, but I couldn’t stroke as hard as I usually would and when I adjusted the suction, if you can call it that, it basically super sucked to my dick. It didn’t hurt, just scared me because I thought it was stuck and I’d have to go to the hospital with this weird vampire thing balls deep on me. Once I figured out how to use it properly it let go and I got the chance to fiddle with the different suctions. The texture was really soft and completely different then what I thought it would be which made experimenting with different ways of using it really easy.”

Succu Dry Tester – “Wow. Okay, I can honestly say I’m impressed. I didn’t really know what to expect, actually that’s a lie, I was terrified it would rip my dick off! Surprisingly, it felt really good! The nubbed fangs inside were a little rough though, they almost felt like they were gripping my foreskin. Then again, it’s supposed to be a vampires mouth so I assume they did that on purpose. The only thing I had issues with was getting my dick inside when I first started, it was a pretty tight fit so it was a little uncomfortable, but after I added a lot of lube I was fine. I liked how soft and squishy it was, probably a good thing since it made it far less intimidating that way.”

Final Thoughts:

Count Cockula Tester – “Would I recommend this to others? Sure, but only if they had some kind of vampire fetish, otherwise I’d just suggest the regular Sex In A Can things, they’re a little less scary and are a lot more discreet”

Succu Dry Tester – “If I had to suggest one of the Fleshlight products I don’t know if it would be this one. Sure it’s fun and all, but I don’t know how people would react if I said something like ‘hey, you should get a fake vampire fleshy thing to suck your dick’, you know what I mean? I’d probably suggest the bigger one (he meant the larger Fleshlight not a Sex In A Can), it’s a lot more comfortable, has more room to work with and doesn’t have fangs”

The Bad

When it comes to possible dislikes with the product there are sadly a few to consider;

1.) Since the cases are rather thick and not quite as long as the original Fleshlights (which are much longer and wider), they tend to offer a much tighter and shorter fit. For some of you this might be a good thing, for others an uncomfortable annoyance. The best advice I can give is to measure yourself when erect, then make a decision based on your size. Also, keep in mind that you can remove the sleeve from the case and use it that way – some prefer this method as it gives more control over the grip/sensation.

2.) Because the cans are smaller it’s also a little harder to vary the level of suction you’re going to experience. I’ve been told that it’s almost as if you get a powerful one or none at all. Since I don’t have a penis I can’t really offer my opinion, guess you’ll just have to try for yourself (go on, you know you want to!).

3.) This one is strictly coming from those that I’ve talked to who have used the product (6 people in total); because this model has an interior texture of little nubs that resemble fangs, it has the potential to be a slightly uncomfortable experience, one that doesn’t allow for heavy or rough thrusting. If you like a firm grip and being rough these might not be the ones for you.

4.) No matter how I angled myself, how close or far away I looked, or how much I wanted to see some major differences in the mouths I just couldn’t. It seems as though they’ve taken the same sleeve and just popped it into two very different cases. Not that I’m really complaining. After all, it’s the fangs (not the lips) that count with these versions. For those of you that do care about the lips, you may want to consider the versions taken from the molds of different porn stars instead (Female Fleshlight Porn Stars, Male Fleshlight Porn Stars).

*View both versions of the vampire mouths to the left and tell me what the major difference is. There’s none. Case closed.

Care & Cleaning

When it comes to lubes I would only suggest a good water based one as a silicone or oil based product will ruin it. Trust me on this!

To clean it simply remove the insert from the case and rinse it very well with lukewarm water; the product is porous so you will want to make sure there is no “residue” (read semen, lube etc) left behind. Once it’s clean either let it air dry or pat it with a lint free cloth (NEVER rub it or you will ruin the texture and appearance). Once it’s dry shake some corn starch or Renewing Powder and pat it gently; this will help to keep it soft and supple, rather then allow it to get sticky or tacky with use.

*If you do notice that it’s gotten gummy, sticky or tacky don’t worry, it’s not defective and don’t use soap or harsh chemicals to try to clean it. If it’s really bad you can try using isopropyl alcohol – again, be gentle.  The material tends to do that over time (as do most other UR3, Cyberskin and similar materials).

Final Verdict

When it comes to wonderfully bizarre and kinky sexual wellness products, these are high on my list. Sure, there are others that also offer an intensely unique experience (Bad Dragon takes the cake for that!), but because of the designs used they’re unfortunately little less ‘mainstream’ and far more ‘shock and awe’ inspiring (vampire mouth or 14 inch Dragon dong? You decide).

In my opinion, Fleshlight has managed to jump that hurdle by creating something that’s a little twisted, but very popular with a larger group of people and therefor much more accepted as a viable option when seeking sexual satisfaction w/ the undead (with the amount of sexy vampire characters on TV and in the movies how could it not be?). So, if you’re looking for a well made product that fulfills your vampire fantasys and potentially allows you to explore in ways you never dreamed imaginable, I’d highly suggest checking out the Succu Dry or Count Cockula male masturbators. Who knows, that bite just might surprise you.

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#FunFindFriday: Fleshlight Freaks

I figured that since it’s October I’d set the tone for the month with something a lil bit freaky, kinky and/or scary. Now, considering the fact that I’ve tweeted, facebooked and linked the hell out of them, the creepy and bizarre Fleshlight products probably aren’t going to be anything new to some of you. However, since I  also know there are a few who don’t do the ‘social media’ thing and instead only subscribe to my blog (or check it every so often) I thought I’d add it here, ’cause well – I don’t want to be the only person with them seared into my brain when I lay down to sleep at night.

 

To be honest, when I first saw them I thought it was a prank. Something akin to an bad April Fools joke or an episode of Punk’d gone awry. Alas, I was wrong. Dead wrong. Each and every one of these terrifying looking vaginas and penis’s is real, crafted out of Fleshlights patented SuperSkin material or platinum cured silicone no less.

Of course I’m not one to judge, hell, I’ve spent a night or two fantasizing about what Jacob’s werewolf dong might look like should he happen upon me like a bitch in heat, but there’s just something about these that makes me wonder if the hype is all it’s cracked up to be. They’re stunning, I’m not arguing that, it’s the functionality that I find myself questioning.

*For the record, I think the details on the Cyber Dildo and the labia on the Drac Fleshlight are to die for! Furthermore,  if companies like Bad Dragon, Whipspider Rubber Works and Divine Interventions can do it, who’s to say Fleshlight cant?

As I’ve said in previous posts regarding male sex toys – I don’t have a penis so I can’t judge the Vag’s for myself (though I’d love to hear from those that have done these gnarly beasts), and from what I can gather on the website the dicks are for ‘external purposes only’ (I’m assuming that’s a legal thing and not legit). So, for those of you that are into this sort of thing, be it dark and sinister role-play, or just a basic curiosity about sex with something from the beyond, this one goes out to you. May your fantasies be fulfilled and your wet-nightmares a thing of the past.

*I’ve taken the quotes from the website since I don’t have the products in my hand to make a proper description…and also because they’re far more entertaining then anything I could write. Copy and paste for the win! #fail

Fleshlight Freaks: Zombie Dildo & Sleeve

Dead Nights Now Living

“You must be warned. While fucking your brains out is usually the goal at hand, these creatures of the walking dead are in dire hunger. Have a necromantic night in the degrading skin of the Zombie Fleshlight or question yourself with the lifeless, yet vibrant deteriorating cock of the living dead.”

Fleshlight: “Fucking your brains out may not be the best idea, but how could you resist? Made with Fleshlight’s patented SuperSkin material in stunning detail, your dead nights will now always be living.

Dildo: This zombie wants your brains, and the only way to get them is to fuck them out of you! Made with healthcare-grade, platinum cured silicone in extreme detail by Fleshlight®, you better aim for the head.

Fleshlight Freaks: Alien Sleeve & Dildo

Reports Confirmed!

For years the government has been trying to keep UFOs and the existence of extraterrestrial life an eyes-only secret. Now, Fleshlight is making the secret public in the most private of ways. Take a journey into an interstellar vortex of pleasure in the Alien Fleshlight, or welcome a probing by abducting the Alien’s cosmic cock.

Fleshlight: “For years, increasing accounts of an Unidentified Fucking Object have been reported by mystified Fleshlight fans with little or no substantiating evidence. The denial of the existence of this object has driven the scandal to levels of near hysteria. Finally, after publicly rebuffing the existence of exxxtra-terrestrial fuckery, the once top-secret “Alien” is now being made available to the public from Fleshlight, the maker of the #1 selling sex toy for men

Dildo: “What took light-years to arrive is now ready to be abducted in your deepest of spaces.  Made with healthcare-grade, platinum cured silicone in extreme detail by Fleshlight®. You will cum-firm, not deny, its massive existence.

Fleshlight Freaks: Frankenstein Sleeve & Dildo

It’s Alive!

“Born from the experiments of Fleshlight’s maddest of sex toy scientists comes a collection of the abhorred monster. Feel the scary pleasures of the stitched Frankenvag and witness a massive Frankencock of monstrous proportions.”

Fleshlight: “You will scream “It’s Alive!” when you experience the feeling of this abhorred monster. Made with Fleshlight’s® patented SuperSkin material in stunning detail, you are sure to have an electrifying night.”

Dildo: “There is only one monster this massive creation can belong to. Made with healthcare-grade, platinum cured silicone in extreme detail by Fleshlight®, you can now have what they say brought his wife to life.

Fleshlight Freaks: Drac Sleeve & Dildo

“I Want To Suck Your…”

“Beware of the alluring aesthetics of the Drac that Fleshlight has created or you may soon find yourself missing your most precious of fluids. Take a flight on the dark side in the winged Fleshlight, or get staked by the centuries old cock from the walker of the night.”

Fleshlight: “Take a flight on the dark side and have a fling in the wings. Made with Fleshlight’s® patented SuperSkin material in stunning detail, you can now have what the realm of the living has been missing for centuries.”

Dildo: “It’s your turn to get staked by the blood sucking nightwalker. Made with healthcare-grade, platinum cured silicone in extreme detail by Fleshlight®, you can have the centuries old famous cock.”

Fleshlight Freaks: Cyborg Sleeve & Dildo

Artificial Intercourse”

“Technology is progressing and it was only a matter of time before Fleshlight was able to create the most breathtaking of bionic experiences. Upload your cock into the intelligent design of the Cyborg Fleshlight, or experience the impressive organ of enhanced technological abilities with the Cyborg cock.”

Cyborg Fleshlight: “Get turned on by a bionic experience with the #1 selling product in Artificial Intercourse. Made with Fleshlight’s® patented SuperSkin material in stunning detail, you can now take your cock on a journey through the ejaculation super highway.”

Cyborg Dildo: “Breathtaking bionic experiences await you with this creation of artificial intercourse. Made with healthcare-grade, platinum cured silicone in extreme detail by Fleshlight®, you can now have an impressive organ of enhanced technological abilities.”

Update: Sadly you can no longer find any Fleshlight Freaks (except the Alien) on the Fleshlight website.

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