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Review: Succu Dry & Count Cockula ~ Fleshlights

fleshlightsuccudryI started October with a post about the insanely bizarre (and totally badass!) Fleshlight Freaks, followed up with a review of the Miss Diagnosed Nurse Costume, and now, to  launch us into the month known by die hard Twilight fans as ‘the one where Breaking Dawn came out’, I’ll be keeping with the theme by offering this review of the vampire mouthed Fleshlights; Count Cockula and Succu Dry.

Of course I totally understand that these wont appeal to everyone, in fact, I’m pretty sure they’ll appeal to very few of you. However, being that they’re made by one of my favourite companies, and feature one of my all time favourite undead ‘monsters’ I just couldn’t resist.

*For those of you interested, in the coming days I’ll be holding a giveaway that includes 1 Succu Dry, 1 Tantus Vamp Dildo, 1 Fleshlight Drac dildo and a bunch of other goodies to coincide with the November 18 release date of the film Breaking Dawn (you know, the one with the mopey girl who falls in love with a vampire, but can’t be with said vampire because he’s a vampire, yet still loves said vampire even though he can’t keep her warm at night, so she falls for a werewolf who can keep her warm but probably also smells like a wet dog once he’s been out in the rain. Vampire and girl have sex. Werewolf  looses his shit, epic battle between vampires and werewolves ensue, yadda, yadda, yadda…yeah, that one. Want a more simplistic view of of the movie – check The Oatmeal, How Twilight Works)

*Totally proud of myself for finding a way to work The Oatmeal into a post about sex toys and vampires!! <- nod to Tosh 2.0 on that one.

Packaging

Succu Dry

Just like the majority of Sex In A Can  products the packaging is pretty stellar, and while the vampire versions may not be the most discreet, they’re definitely one a kind and branded exactly as I’d expect with red, black and white coloring, cheesy yet hilarious descriptions and graphic designs that are some of the best you’ll find on a male masturbator.

*They got the amazing designer Hydro74 to do the artwork, no wonder they’re so badass!

Each of the fake cans has quite a bit of weight to it (coming in at around a pound) and like a regular beer or pop can, has a flip tab lid (because the tab is part of the case it can’t be opened). The outer casing is made of solid plastic in a silverish tone with a matte finish that’s rather basic, I can only assume they were going for the ‘undead’ gray tone with that. Due to the writing and imagery I’m pretty sure they’re not something someone would immediately identify as as “sex toy”. However, if they pick it up and open it, you can bet your sweet ass they’ll ask what it is. You’ve been warned.

Succu Dry

The ‘straight’ version – Succu Dry – features a graphic design of  slightly pissed looking female vamp on the front, red and white tribal design around the top of the can, a ‘warning’ on one side and product description on the other. In true Fleshlight fashion, both are cheekily written:

Government Warning: (1) Guidelines for sex with vampires, the Nosferatu, Succubi, or other undead have not been established, but the rumors are gushing! (2) Should bleeding from the canine incisions in the neck occur in combinations of feelings of ecstasy, uncontrolled ejaculation, and submission, path with garlic to prevent excess fedding and seek consecrated ground before calling 911. Or just enjoy!“”

Feed The Need – Take a walk on the dark side and get familiar with this pale brew. But be careful! Though this may feel like love at first bite, make sure you have your wood poised to penetrate before you get completely drained! Enjoy to excess to ensure encounters with Succu Dry are A-Positive experience.”

Count Cockula

count cockula

The ‘gay’ version – Count Cockula – features the lower half of a male vampires face, complete with baring teeth and a trickle of blood on the lips. Splashed across the front in bright metallic red is the word “Cockula”, with the top of the letter “k” shaped like an erect penis (clever little so and so’s aren’t they!).  Unlike the Succu Dry can which had a tribal design around the top, there’s a solid black band with the word “Fleshjack” in white print that’s bordered by two thin red wisp designs. One side of the can has a ‘Government Warning’ and on the other, a similarly cheeky product description:

Government Warning: May cause full body convulsions and light-headedness. May also give your cock life after death. Call your doctor if erections last longer than four thousand years. To end erections cause by Count Cock-ula Soda, just kiss a guy with garlic breath. That always kills our vampire erections.”

Soda with Bite! Teeth are usually the last thing you want when getting sucked off. But with Count Cock-ula, the fear of being bitten is all the fun. So get ready to polish up your stake and drive it into this soft, vampire mouth for an orgasm that will wake the dead.

 The Good

As I’ve said in nearly every Fleshlight review, I can’t help but be impressed. Sure the vampire versions may be out of the ordinary (read ‘bizarre’, ‘freaky’, ‘kinky’) but that’s just part of their charm. I mean really, how many other vampire blow job devices are there? I’m betting on less than 5, possibly less than 3 – including these 2 – which only leaves the possibility of one more, which I’m going to assume would be a far crappier version – and that’s even if it exists to begin with.

When it comes to material, the fanged and crooked toothed mouth is crafted out of the same soft and pliable Real Feel Super Skin® all major Fleshlight products are made from, offering a high-quality texture that’s specially designed to replicate the sensation of penetrative sex. Fortunately the entire sleeve (read ‘mouth’) is made this way, eliminating the painful experience real fangs and teeth might provide.

Both also adjust to body temperature rather quickly, retaining heat very well. If you’d like to alter the sensation from the start, simply place them in warm water until they reach the desired temperature then remove for use ( just remember DO NOT boil or microwave it them – you WILL ruin them!)

In regard to the stats you’re looking at 7 3/4″ total length (all useable), a total circumference of 9 1/4′ (the can), an entrance that will comfortably fit up to an inch girth and a total width of 2/34 inches.  Taking those figures into consideration, I do want to make it clear that while it may seem fairly accommodating, because the sleeve has extra material all the way around to help it fill up the can and stay in place, it can be rather tight. Some might like it, some might not, either way I figured it was worth mentioning.

For the most part its exceptionally easy to use, just unscrew the cap, pour some lube down the interior, think dirty thoughts about vampires and go to it! If you’re looking for a better suction, or to experiment with the sensations simply unscrew the bottom cap until the desired effect is achieved.

Feedback

Since I can’t use the products myself I had to hand them off to folks who’s honest opinions I trust, this is what they had to say…

*names have been removed to protect my testers privacy, each was given one can to sample, a Succu Dry or Count Cockula respectively.

First Impressions:

Count Cockula Tester –  “I really don’t know what to say about this. On the one hand it’s a pretty cool concept. On the other, the thought of ramming my man bits in a vampires mouth is kinda scary. Yes I know it’s fake, but still…”

Succu Dry Tester –  “Okay, this is kind of freaky looking. So long as I get to pretend it’s that hot chick from Underworld I’ll do it!”

After Use:

Count Cockula Tester–  “Well, I can honestly say that was interesting. It was a little uncomfortable at first (he didn’t use lube) but then it got way better (after he added lube). The internal fang things felt really bizarre, they didn’t hurt, but I couldn’t stroke as hard as I usually would and when I adjusted the suction, if you can call it that, it basically super sucked to my dick. It didn’t hurt, just scared me because I thought it was stuck and I’d have to go to the hospital with this weird vampire thing balls deep on me. Once I figured out how to use it properly it let go and I got the chance to fiddle with the different suctions. The texture was really soft and completely different then what I thought it would be which made experimenting with different ways of using it really easy.”

Succu Dry Tester – “Wow. Okay, I can honestly say I’m impressed. I didn’t really know what to expect, actually that’s a lie, I was terrified it would rip my dick off! Surprisingly, it felt really good! The nubbed fangs inside were a little rough though, they almost felt like they were gripping my foreskin. Then again, it’s supposed to be a vampires mouth so I assume they did that on purpose. The only thing I had issues with was getting my dick inside when I first started, it was a pretty tight fit so it was a little uncomfortable, but after I added a lot of lube I was fine. I liked how soft and squishy it was, probably a good thing since it made it far less intimidating that way.”

Final Thoughts:

Count Cockula Tester – “Would I recommend this to others? Sure, but only if they had some kind of vampire fetish, otherwise I’d just suggest the regular Sex In A Can things, they’re a little less scary and are a lot more discreet”

Succu Dry Tester – “If I had to suggest one of the Fleshlight products I don’t know if it would be this one. Sure it’s fun and all, but I don’t know how people would react if I said something like ‘hey, you should get a fake vampire fleshy thing to suck your dick’, you know what I mean? I’d probably suggest the bigger one (he meant the larger Fleshlight not a Sex In A Can), it’s a lot more comfortable, has more room to work with and doesn’t have fangs”

The Bad

When it comes to possible dislikes with the product there are sadly a few to consider;

1.) Since the cases are rather thick and not quite as long as the original Fleshlights (which are much longer and wider), they tend to offer a much tighter and shorter fit. For some of you this might be a good thing, for others an uncomfortable annoyance. The best advice I can give is to measure yourself when erect, then make a decision based on your size. Also, keep in mind that you can remove the sleeve from the case and use it that way – some prefer this method as it gives more control over the grip/sensation.

2.) Because the cans are smaller it’s also a little harder to vary the level of suction you’re going to experience. I’ve been told that it’s almost as if you get a powerful one or none at all. Since I don’t have a penis I can’t really offer my opinion, guess you’ll just have to try for yourself (go on, you know you want to!).

3.) This one is strictly coming from those that I’ve talked to who have used the product (6 people in total); because this model has an interior texture of little nubs that resemble fangs, it has the potential to be a slightly uncomfortable experience, one that doesn’t allow for heavy or rough thrusting. If you like a firm grip and being rough these might not be the ones for you.

4.) No matter how I angled myself, how close or far away I looked, or how much I wanted to see some major differences in the mouths I just couldn’t. It seems as though they’ve taken the same sleeve and just popped it into two very different cases. Not that I’m really complaining. After all, it’s the fangs (not the lips) that count with these versions. For those of you that do care about the lips, you may want to consider the versions taken from the molds of different porn stars instead (Female Fleshlight Porn Stars, Male Fleshlight Porn Stars).

*View both versions of the vampire mouths to the left and tell me what the major difference is. There’s none. Case closed.

Care & Cleaning

When it comes to lubes I would only suggest a good water based one as a silicone or oil based product will ruin it. Trust me on this!

To clean it simply remove the insert from the case and rinse it very well with lukewarm water; the product is porous so you will want to make sure there is no “residue” (read semen, lube etc) left behind. Once it’s clean either let it air dry or pat it with a lint free cloth (NEVER rub it or you will ruin the texture and appearance). Once it’s dry shake some corn starch or Renewing Powder and pat it gently; this will help to keep it soft and supple, rather then allow it to get sticky or tacky with use.

*If you do notice that it’s gotten gummy, sticky or tacky don’t worry, it’s not defective and don’t use soap or harsh chemicals to try to clean it. If it’s really bad you can try using isopropyl alcohol – again, be gentle.  The material tends to do that over time (as do most other UR3, Cyberskin and similar materials).

Final Verdict

When it comes to wonderfully bizarre and kinky sexual wellness products, these are high on my list. Sure, there are others that also offer an intensely unique experience (Bad Dragon takes the cake for that!), but because of the designs used they’re unfortunately little less ‘mainstream’ and far more ‘shock and awe’ inspiring (vampire mouth or 14 inch Dragon dong? You decide).

In my opinion, Fleshlight has managed to jump that hurdle by creating something that’s a little twisted, but very popular with a larger group of people and therefor much more accepted as a viable option when seeking sexual satisfaction w/ the undead (with the amount of sexy vampire characters on TV and in the movies how could it not be?). So, if you’re looking for a well made product that fulfills your vampire fantasys and potentially allows you to explore in ways you never dreamed imaginable, I’d highly suggest checking out the Succu Dry or Count Cockula male masturbators. Who knows, that bite just might surprise you.

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#FunFindFriday: Fleshlight Freaks

I figured that since it’s October I’d set the tone for the month with something a lil bit freaky, kinky and/or scary. Now, considering the fact that I’ve tweeted, facebooked and linked the hell out of them, the creepy and bizarre Fleshlight products probably aren’t going to be anything new to some of you. However, since I  also know there are a few who don’t do the ‘social media’ thing and instead only subscribe to my blog (or check it every so often) I thought I’d add it here, ’cause well – I don’t want to be the only person with them seared into my brain when I lay down to sleep at night.

 

To be honest, when I first saw them I thought it was a prank. Something akin to an bad April Fools joke or an episode of Punk’d gone awry. Alas, I was wrong. Dead wrong. Each and every one of these terrifying looking vaginas and penis’s is real, crafted out of Fleshlights patented SuperSkin material or platinum cured silicone no less.

Of course I’m not one to judge, hell, I’ve spent a night or two fantasizing about what Jacob’s werewolf dong might look like should he happen upon me like a bitch in heat, but there’s just something about these that makes me wonder if the hype is all it’s cracked up to be. They’re stunning, I’m not arguing that, it’s the functionality that I find myself questioning.

*For the record, I think the details on the Cyber Dildo and the labia on the Drac Fleshlight are to die for! Furthermore,  if companies like Bad Dragon, Whipspider Rubber Works and Divine Interventions can do it, who’s to say Fleshlight cant?

As I’ve said in previous posts regarding male sex toys – I don’t have a penis so I can’t judge the Vag’s for myself (though I’d love to hear from those that have done these gnarly beasts), and from what I can gather on the website the dicks are for ‘external purposes only’ (I’m assuming that’s a legal thing and not legit). So, for those of you that are into this sort of thing, be it dark and sinister role-play, or just a basic curiosity about sex with something from the beyond, this one goes out to you. May your fantasies be fulfilled and your wet-nightmares a thing of the past.

*I’ve taken the quotes from the website since I don’t have the products in my hand to make a proper description…and also because they’re far more entertaining then anything I could write. Copy and paste for the win! #fail

Fleshlight Freaks: Zombie Dildo & Sleeve

Dead Nights Now Living

“You must be warned. While fucking your brains out is usually the goal at hand, these creatures of the walking dead are in dire hunger. Have a necromantic night in the degrading skin of the Zombie Fleshlight or question yourself with the lifeless, yet vibrant deteriorating cock of the living dead.”

Fleshlight: “Fucking your brains out may not be the best idea, but how could you resist? Made with Fleshlight’s patented SuperSkin material in stunning detail, your dead nights will now always be living.

Dildo: This zombie wants your brains, and the only way to get them is to fuck them out of you! Made with healthcare-grade, platinum cured silicone in extreme detail by Fleshlight®, you better aim for the head.

Fleshlight Freaks: Alien Sleeve & Dildo

Reports Confirmed!

For years the government has been trying to keep UFOs and the existence of extraterrestrial life an eyes-only secret. Now, Fleshlight is making the secret public in the most private of ways. Take a journey into an interstellar vortex of pleasure in the Alien Fleshlight, or welcome a probing by abducting the Alien’s cosmic cock.

Fleshlight: “For years, increasing accounts of an Unidentified Fucking Object have been reported by mystified Fleshlight fans with little or no substantiating evidence. The denial of the existence of this object has driven the scandal to levels of near hysteria. Finally, after publicly rebuffing the existence of exxxtra-terrestrial fuckery, the once top-secret “Alien” is now being made available to the public from Fleshlight, the maker of the #1 selling sex toy for men

Dildo: “What took light-years to arrive is now ready to be abducted in your deepest of spaces.  Made with healthcare-grade, platinum cured silicone in extreme detail by Fleshlight®. You will cum-firm, not deny, its massive existence.

Fleshlight Freaks: Frankenstein Sleeve & Dildo

It’s Alive!

“Born from the experiments of Fleshlight’s maddest of sex toy scientists comes a collection of the abhorred monster. Feel the scary pleasures of the stitched Frankenvag and witness a massive Frankencock of monstrous proportions.”

Fleshlight: “You will scream “It’s Alive!” when you experience the feeling of this abhorred monster. Made with Fleshlight’s® patented SuperSkin material in stunning detail, you are sure to have an electrifying night.”

Dildo: “There is only one monster this massive creation can belong to. Made with healthcare-grade, platinum cured silicone in extreme detail by Fleshlight®, you can now have what they say brought his wife to life.

Fleshlight Freaks: Drac Sleeve & Dildo

“I Want To Suck Your…”

“Beware of the alluring aesthetics of the Drac that Fleshlight has created or you may soon find yourself missing your most precious of fluids. Take a flight on the dark side in the winged Fleshlight, or get staked by the centuries old cock from the walker of the night.”

Fleshlight: “Take a flight on the dark side and have a fling in the wings. Made with Fleshlight’s® patented SuperSkin material in stunning detail, you can now have what the realm of the living has been missing for centuries.”

Dildo: “It’s your turn to get staked by the blood sucking nightwalker. Made with healthcare-grade, platinum cured silicone in extreme detail by Fleshlight®, you can have the centuries old famous cock.”

Fleshlight Freaks: Cyborg Sleeve & Dildo

Artificial Intercourse”

“Technology is progressing and it was only a matter of time before Fleshlight was able to create the most breathtaking of bionic experiences. Upload your cock into the intelligent design of the Cyborg Fleshlight, or experience the impressive organ of enhanced technological abilities with the Cyborg cock.”

Cyborg Fleshlight: “Get turned on by a bionic experience with the #1 selling product in Artificial Intercourse. Made with Fleshlight’s® patented SuperSkin material in stunning detail, you can now take your cock on a journey through the ejaculation super highway.”

Cyborg Dildo: “Breathtaking bionic experiences await you with this creation of artificial intercourse. Made with healthcare-grade, platinum cured silicone in extreme detail by Fleshlight®, you can now have an impressive organ of enhanced technological abilities.”

Update: Sadly you can no longer find any Fleshlight Freaks (except the Alien) on the Fleshlight website.

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Review: The Stamina Training Unit ( STU) by Fleshlight

If you read my blog, watch my product reviews, or follow me on Facebook / Twitter, you’re probably quite familiar with my love of the Fleshlight.  For those of you that don’t know about my lust, well, all I can say is it may just be the one and only product that gives me #penisenvy on a regular basis. I’d almost say daily.

Not only is the product well made, easy to use, soft, supple, discreet and realistic looking, it’s also probably the closest you’re going to get to the ‘real thing’ when it comes to fake vagina’s. Seriously! It’s amazing!

As for this review, I’m going to be covering the Stamina Training Unit, a product created by Fleshlight that’s designed to help you learn to last longer in bed, and more then that; help you become a better lover. Judging by my ‘testers’ experiences, it really will help.

How It Works

When I first saw the STU I thought it was a joke, I mean, how could a product help you to learn to last longer? It just sounded so absurd. However, after receiving and reading the manual the product came with, I totally got it…

Hidden within the 10 pages of the STU Manual (FREE with a purchase of the STU) are tiny gems of wisdom that most people should know, regardless of gender. From methods of stimulating the clitoris, performing oral sex on a vag, finding the g-spot (I’ll admit, the part about the g-spot is kinda cheesy with its pirate references), learning how to get to the brink of orgasm and back again, all without actually orgasming, this manual is definitely the selling point of this “unit”.

On that note, I’m sure most of you are hoping that I’m going to give out the hints and tips suggested within the manual, unfortunately I’m not allowed, or I probably would. That said, what I can offer (that’s throughout the manual) is something that should be common sense when it comes to being good at any sexual technique – practice makes perfect!

To help you practice the manual has a few key things to offer;

stuf“Mastering the art of ‘Brinkmanship'”: (as explained above) – 4 methods with steps to follow.

“Short Circuits”: the ultimate emergency safeguards against any ejaculation before you’re ready. (We tried it, it worked…very interesting!)

“Routines”: 3 different stroke patterns to help you learn to last longer. (My partner and I tested them and yes, they do work)

“Goals”: benchmarks to set for yourself while using the STU as a way of measuring how you’re progressing – 4 in total. (I think they may get rather tedious and possibly boring, but if you’re learning to last longer they’re worth a go and will definitely help)

“Five Essentials”: 5 essentials to remember when performing under pressure. (Rather simple common sense stuff, but helpful none the less – especially for those of you that are still learning)

Sure the Fleshlight itself is a badass find, but it comes down to following the guidelines set out in the manual that will help you to last longer, not the actual product.

The Good

The sleeve (the part you have sex with) is crafted from the same patented Real Feel Super Skin® as all the others within the Fleshlight collection. However, what sets it apart is the specifically designed “inner canal” texture; rows of small bumps that are soft, supple, comfortable and very accommodating. It also comes with a metallic gold case rather than the typically found black ones. I’m guessing it was supposed to be a clever reference to “going for the gold”? )

For those of you that aren’t familiar with the Fleshlight line of products, I previously did a review that outlined all of the necessary care, cleaning, uses and suggestions for ways the product could be used. If you’d like to view it this link should take you there. Otherwise, here’s the basics

  • the product measures 10 inches in length and is 4 inches around at its largest, so it should be a comfortable size for most
  • if you’d like to alter the sensation, the Fleshlight can be placed in warm water until it reaches the desired temperature (DO NOT boil or microwave it!)
  • to further adjust the sensation, you can unscrew the bottom cap until the desired level of suction is reached
  • finally, while there is no need to use a condom with the Fleshlight (as long as you do NOT share your Fleshlight!), doing so will not harm the product or yourself.

Care & Cleaning

When it comes to lubes I would only suggest a good water based one as a silicone or oil based product will ruin it. Trust me on this!

To clean it simply remove the insert from the case and rinse it very well with lukewarm water; the product is porous so you will want to make sure there is no “residue” left behind. Once it’s clean either let it air dry or pat it with a lint free cloth (NEVER rub it or you will ruin the texture and appearance). Once it’s dry shake some corn starch or Renew powder and pat it gently; this will help to keep it soft and supple, rather then allow it to get sticky or tacky with use.

*If you do notice that it’s gotten gummy, sticky or tacky don’t worry, it’s not defective. The material the product is made of tends to do that over time (as do most other UR3, Cyberskin and similar materials). If you want to keep it soft and supple just use the corn starch or Renew powder.

stuThe Bad

In regard to the actual Fleshlight, I love it and have nothing bad to say about it!

As for the manual…

While it is for the most part relevant, honest, interesting, resourceful and straight forward, there are parts of the manual that are cheesy, slightly unnecessary (like the statement “No not the vehicle, that’s what you use to get her in bed”) and just didn’t hit the “funny” level they were hoping for, instead coming across as insincere.

I get where they were coming from and what they were trying to achieve, however, as an educator and someone who takes sex (and sex toys) seriously, I just would have liked to have seen a little bit more of a healthy respect for sex and sexuality.

*Had they removed the vehicle comment, and taken finding the g-spot a bit more seriously, rather then using a pirate who uses words like “Ahoy matey“, “Shiver Me Timbers“, “find her love cave” and “Scallywag” (really?, really?? ) to describe the experience, I would have been much more impressed with no complaints.

Final Verdict

Like all of the other products that Fleshlight makes I actually do love the STU!

Sure the manual has a few sections (really only 2 – “G Marks the Spot” and “The Hummer”) I wasn’t that fond of but to be honest, the rest was more then I expected. That in mind, if you’re someone who doesn’t last very long in bed, would like to practice with something that’s as close to the ‘real thing’ as you’re going to get, while also having a few pointers, suggestions, goals or tips to help guide you, the Stamina Training Unit by Fleshlight is pretty much the whole package.

For a limited time the Stamina Training Unit is on sale for $17.50 off!! They’re also doing a 25% off SITEWIDE SALE, plus free shipping with orders over $100! Sweet deal bro!

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Review: Fleshlight Sex In A Can: Original Label


*This video was made in 2009, since then the company has redone the cases to resemble beer cans. The sleeves are the exact same, just the cans are different.

Brewed to have the same legendary feel of the original Fleshlight Sex In A Can ™ is full bodied, finishes smooth, and sure to satisfy.

With three distinct orifices corresponding with unique inner textures, all housed in a compact beer can case, Sex in a Can is sure to satisfy even the most discerning taste.

The soft, pliable Real Feel Super Skin® masturbation sleeves are made from a patented, high-quality material designed to replicate the sensation of penetrative sex.

The molded sleeve comes housed in an attractive and sturdy canister that resembles an ordinary flashlight, allowing for simple and discreet storage.

It’s easy to use, clean, and 100% safe. With proper care and usage, your Fleshlight product will give you a lifetime of enjoyment!

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Fleshlight male toy in a can

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Review: The Fleshlight Masturbator


Fleshlight Masturbator Review

After 2 years of requests from my male viewers I finally received my very own Fleshlight so I could do a Fleshlight masturbator review for all of you!

I have to say it is probably the BEST male masturbation product I have EVER seen, so much so that it leaves me with serious feelings of #penisenvy.

The soft, pliable Real Feel Super Skin® masturbation sleeves are made from a patented, high-quality material designed to replicate the sensation of penetrative sex.

The molded sleeve comes housed in an attractive and sturdy canister that resembles an ordinary flashlight, allowing for simple and discreet storage.

It’s easy to use, clean, and 100% safe. With proper care and usage, your Fleshlight product will give you a lifetime of enjoyment!

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