#FunFindFriday: Smurfs XXX Porn Parody

smurfsxxx

I can’t help but wonder what the fuck Hustler was thinking when they gave the green light on this project.  There will likely be viewers with childhood memories of curiously stuffing a smurf figure somewhere the sun don’t shine…and maybe even liking it, but for crying out loud, DOES THERE REALLY NEED TO BE A PORN PARODY OF EVERYTHING A PORN EXEC CAN DREAM UP?!

No. No there does not. Case in point: This Ain’t Smurfs XXX.

I might be wrong but I thought the point of porn was to turn people on and help them get off. There is nothing, between the trailer and clips I’ve found online, that’s even remotely sexy.

Tacky? Yes.

Weird? Yes.

Childish? Yes.

Boring? Definitely.

Sexy, arousing, enticing or sultry, hells no!  In fact, if my vagina could, I think it might just curl up and die.

I mean, wtf is up with those ears?! It’s like a grade 2 class got a shit tonne of blue plasticine and made the worst lumpy blue pancakes they could. Then, to take it one step further, they decided it would be fun to smack them on the side of someones head. ‘Cause ya know, why the fuck not.

Don’t get me started on the acting. Jesus! It’s cringe worthy.

As for the script, every time they say something “smurfy” I die a little on the inside.

And what’s the deal with this “Mommy” bullshit?! Ugh. Let’s not also forget to mention the chemistry, of which THERE IS NONE. Maybe there are fleeting glimpses of it somewhere in the movie, but from what I can see it’s just plain ‘ol poorly costumed dick in vagina. A good porn that does not make.

I get it, Evan Stone has a contract with Hustler, but the fact that he’s in almost every XXX parody drives me bananas. It’s unnecessary…. just let the old guy retire already.

Then there’s Gargamel… his eyebrows give me the heebie geebies. That balding wig is just tacky. And his awkward flailing while muttering ‘rise my minion‘ to a glob of green play-doh, followed by a puff of animated smoke and hand convulsions makes me want to do bad things to him… and not in a potentially good way either. Oh, and that potato sack dress, can we please just not.

Though I will admit, the bleeping of cuss words at 1:18 (video above) was  pretty epic, I honestly  couldn’t stop myself from rewinding and watching over and over while laughing so hard I almost peed.

All in all, I think the real reason I hate it so much has something to do with staring at those blue painted bodies… it just brings back horrible visuals of the fiasco that was This Ain’t Avatar XXX, and that was a doozy… one that made me want to punch myself in the face on more than one occasion. #pornragemoment

At least it has one thing going for it, something I missed with the Avatar version: blue dicks. I just wonder how long the paint will last.  Judging by the continuity issues with Smurfettes lipstick, I’m guessing not very long.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again; if you’re gonna make a porn – even a parody – take some serious funds from your multi-million dollar empire and invest it like the makers of the awe inspiring Pirates did. Otherwise, gtfo!

 

Sit back, relax, let me come to you. Sign up through the form below and have my posts sent straight to your inbox. Don’t worry, I promise not to spam you!

Enter your email address:

 

shop sex ed 102

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply

Read previous post:
Review: "OOO" Boutique ~ Savor Me Flavored Condoms

One of the biggest complaints I hear about using condoms for oral is the horrible taste they leave in the...

Close