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Review: The Italian Stallion a.k.a The Sylvester Stallone Porno

Sylvester Stallone fans rejoice, The Italian Stallion (also known as Party at Kitty and Stud’s) is once again available online for your viewing pleasure.

Yep, you heard right. That 1970’s porno, the one that he got paid $200 to make and was shushed and hidden away for many a year thanks to Hollywood big wigs trying to protect the image of our muscle bound, gun toting, camouflaged, “Adriannn!!!” screaming friend, has popped up on PVLocker… but here’s the thing, it’s not what you think. It’s um…. weird.

Really weird.

Like a bad art film with sex that doesn’t make any sense, and yet, it’s so intriguing you can’t help but watch.

From Sly frolicking in snow covered parks, splaying in an “I’m the king of the world” pose while atop a metal jungle gym (I wonder if James Cameron watched this just before making Titanic), to a bathing scene between Kitty and Stud that’s beyond awkward, it’s damn near mind boggling.

nekkid ring around the rosy

Add to that…

  • a shit tonne of pot smoking.
  • a naked pile up in front of a wonky fun house mirror.
  • “Stud” continually flexing while two girls fondle each other in front of him.
  • naked and fully clothed disco dancing for no apparent reason.
  • more pot smoking.
  • some of THE BEST booty clapping I’ve ever seen.
  • a random naked street flashing by a chick in a trench coat.
  • a guy getting a bj while eating a banana and talking about horse cock (I kid you not!).
  • two chicks standing with a Bull Mastiff then *poof* disappearing as quickly as they showed up (wtf!).
  • lots of hairy 70’s bush (not that I’m complaining).
  • even more pot smoking.
  • “Stud” violently beating Kitty with a belt for what feels like an eternity while voice over moans and squeals repeat in the background (for as much of a steroid induced rage fit it seems to be, it’s all fake).
  • naked ring-around-the-rosy.
  • a bunch of naked people sprawled out on a furry carpet passed out in what appears to be a cult suicide pact.
  • and an ending that is beyond *face palm* worthy.

…yes my friends, this movie has it all.

*Coles Notes version: Kitty loves Stud. Stud is a stud. Stud beats Kitty. Kitty and Stud throw a party. Sex, pot smoking, dancing, and mirrors happen. There’s a dog. Everyone passes out from all the ‘excitement’. Kitty and Stud wake up. Stud beats Kitty again. The End. *blank stare*

Of course it’s not very sexy, but shit, I don’t know of any others that are able to cram that much random tomfoolery into an hour and 6 minutes in a way that’s so wonderfully cringe worthy. I mean, captivating.

As for Rocky’s man bits, you do get to see them, quite often actually, however it’s never hard or raging, instead remaining in it’s flaccid state for every damn scene. Not cool Rocky, so not cool.

Oh, and regarding the sex: IT’S ALL SOFTCORE. There’s no sweat, no real ‘O’ faces, no money shots, no chemistry, no close ups of privates while bumping uglies… just the writhing around of naked bodies sprawled about on beds, couches, and plush 70’s fur carpeting. Booooorrrrinnnngggg.

And then there’s some of my choice quotes (the majority of which come from the mouth of our highly intelligent Kitty):

Kitty: *staring longingly out a window while wearing a pink fluffy negligee* “Ahh, I wish Stud would hurry up and get home, he’s so animalistic. I love getting him mad, it gets me so horny”.

Kitty: “Go ahead Stud, give me all your juice!” And yet, there was no money shot. WTF?!

Kitty: *awkward shower scene with soap, soap and more soap* “dropping the soap makes me get closer to my favourite parts of his body”. I wonder how many inmates have thought the same thing while incarcerated.

Winner of “Best Booty Clap” Goes To…

Kitty: *again staring longingly out a window while wearing a pink fluffy negligee* “Stud says you need to find peace within yourself, but he doesn’t know how much I like it when he gets rough with me“.  Um, what?

Kitty: *while sitting cross legged on the floor attempting to meditate* “Funny, I get so horny when I’m sitting in the Full Lotus. Where’s your true nature? I’m beginning to think mines between my legs!“. Yes Kitty, your “true nature” is between your legs. Didn’t you know, that’s where trees come from? Silly Kitty.

Kitty: *while rolling a joint* “Stud say’s a girl hasn’t completed her education until she knows how to really lick a good joint“.  And here I thought you rolled joints. Clearly I haven’t completed my education.

Stud: *just before getting a bj* “Be careful you bit me last time
Kitty: *on her knees in front of him* “I’ll be velvet mouthed on your shank of love!” *then erupts into an unscripted fit of giggles*.  I wish I was kidding, but I’m not. Amazing.

“Addddrrriiiaaaannnn!” Oops, wrong movie.

Even with all that to work with I have to admit, my favourite dialogue between the two includes some brilliant scripting, mostly because it’s almost as if the person writing it was psychic:

Stud: *staring forlorn into a mirror* “When are they gonna recognize me?
Kitty:Soon everyone will know who you are.
Stud:Screw it! I’m gonna get an ulcer over it…
Kitty:Someday you’ll be known as the ‘Italian Stallion!!!
Stud:Let’s get high.

Ah yes, escapism at it’s very best. Brilliant! Fucking brilliant!

If you’re up for a roller coaster ride of a flick filled with wtf’s, nakedness, 70’s disco music, and Sly, without the heavily accented voice or facelifts he’s come to be known for, you can find the whole movie on PV Locker for under ten bucks…  you probably won’t get off while watching it, but being able to say you’ve seen Sly Stallone’s man bits just might be worth it.

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#FunFindFriday: Smurfs XXX Porn Parody

smurfsxxx

I can’t help but wonder what the fuck Hustler was thinking when they gave the green light on this project.  There will likely be viewers with childhood memories of curiously stuffing a smurf figure somewhere the sun don’t shine…and maybe even liking it, but for crying out loud, DOES THERE REALLY NEED TO BE A PORN PARODY OF EVERYTHING A PORN EXEC CAN DREAM UP?!

No, no there does not. Case in point: This Ain’t Smurfs XXX.

I might be wrong but I thought the point of porn was to turn people on and help them get off. There is nothing, between the trailer and clips I’ve found online, that’s even remotely sexy. Tacky? yes. Weird? yes. Childish? yes. Boring? definitely. Sexy, arousing, enticing or sultry, hells no!  In fact, if my vagina could, I think it might just curl up and die.

I mean, wtf is up with those ears?! It’s like a grade 2 class got a shit tonne of blue plasticine and went to town creating the worst lumpy blue pancakes they could. Then, to take it one step further, they decided it would be fun to smack them on the side of someones head. ‘Cause ya know, why the fuck not.

Two words: the acting. Jesus! It’s cringe worthy. As for the scripting, every time they say something “smurfy” I die a little on the inside. And what’s the deal with this “Mommy” bullshit?! Ugh. Let’s not also forget to mention the chemistry, of which THERE IS NONE. Maybe there’s fleeting glimpses of it somewhere in the movie, but from what I can see it’s just plain ‘ol poorly costumed dick in vagina. A good porn that does not make.

I get it, Evan Stone has a contract with Hustler, but the fact that he’s in almost every XXX parody drives me bananas. It’s unnecessary…. just let the old guy retire already. Fuck, he’s pushing 90!

And what the fuck is up with Gargamel?! His eyebrows give me the heebie geebies, that balding wig is just tacky, and his awkward flailing while muttering ‘rise my minion‘ to a glob of green play-doh, followed by a puff of animated smoke and hand convulsions makes me want to do bad things to him… and not in a potentially good way either. Oh, and that potato sack dress, don’t even get me started. #failburka

Though I will admit, the bleeping of cuss words at 1:18 (video above) was  pretty epic, I honestly  couldn’t stop myself from rewinding and watching over and over while laughing so hard I almost peed.

All in all, I think the real reason I hate it so much has something to do with staring at those blue painted bodies… it just brings back horrible visuals of the fiasco that was This Ain’t Avatar XXX, and that was a doozy… one that made me want to punch myself in the face on more than one occasion. #pornragemoment

At least it has one thing going for it, something I missed with the Avatar version: blue dicks. I just wonder how long the paint will last.  Judging by the continuity issues with Smurfettes lipstick, I’m guessing not very long.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again; if you’re gonna make a porn – even a parody – take some serious funds from your multimillion dollar empire and invest it like the makers of the awe inspiring Pirates did. Otherwise, gtfo!

 

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Review: Zazel – The Scent Of Love


Screen shot 2014-01-20 at 11.43.11 PMAfter reviewing This Ain’t Avatar XXX I was pretty sure porn couldn’t get that much worse, especially considering it had everything bad porn should; poorly painted blue people (who’s genitalia weren’t painted might I add), tacky music, horrible cut-to scenes, cheesy dialogue, a lack of sexual chemistry between performers, a plot that made little sense and a terrible 3D option that was migraine inducing. Basically put – it was bad, real bad.

When I saw Zazel: The Scent Of Love, a 2008 movie that had previously won 7 AVN awards, being offered for review on Eden Fantasys I quickly scooped it up. Unfortunately to my shock, horror and surprise it was just as bad as This Ain’t Avatar, dare I say on some levels – possibly even worse.

Side Note: They fail to mention the awards were won back in 1998 when the movie was originally released, not in 2008 when it was re-released. What can I say, it’s false advertising at its best! It did win a 2009 AVN award for “Best Classic Release” though.

Plot

When it came to the plot there really wasn’t much, if anything, to go on: a woman (“Zazel”, played by Sasha Vinni) receives a call from a nameless man informing her that the proposal to create “the most arousing perfume ever” has gotten the go ahead. Zazel then sets out to find the perfect ingredients which include “Lust” (Hell), “Sensuality” (Heaven), “Pleasure” (Desire) and “Enchantment” (Mystic). From there the film bounces around from scene to scene with her having sordid love affairs with exotic flowers, randomly wandering around in a garden, painting, airbrushing, drawing and daydreaming about various sexual explorations. Pretty run of the mill for porn these days.

Scene Breakdown

*random excerpts from our conversation while watching have been included

zazelcoyThe film begins with Zazel feverishly drawing a Coy fish by a pond, which eventually turns into a “” resembling one of those damn Avatars who swims, plays and dances in the water (make shift pool is more like it) in front of a yellow tarp (wtf that was about I have no clue) and  eventually leads to a cunnilingus scene with a “Water Nymph” (played by Grace Harlow), who might I add wears some seriously fun white zipper crotched panties.

For the record, it was a far better paint job then the one we found in Avatar.
Jamie:”You promised me this would be nothing like that stupid Avatar movie! WHY IS THAT LADY PAINTED BLUE??!!”

Jamie: *at the sight of the fun white zipper panties* “It’s like she over stayed her welcome from the cock rock era”
Me: “Imagine getting one of your labia caught in that mess ~ ouch!”

medium_2008_9_17_zaz2The painting of a beautiful flower behind a white frame that begins to contract and move, quickly making it apparent that the artwork has been done on a woman’s genitals and lower portion of her body (inner thigh etc).

Trust me, CLICK THE PICTURE –>

Me: “wow, that’s some amazing artwork…hey, wait a minute, is that a…oh my God, that’s a coochie!”
Jamie: “why the hell does she keep poking at it? Even I know better than to do that!”

Then, out of nowhere Sasha Vinni is shaving a woman’s (Lene Hefner) pubic hair with an old style gold razor so that an artist (Devin Deray) can tattoo a flower on her vulva…which obviously leads to the three of them having sex.

Me: “yeah, because after I’ve had someone inflict 1000 needle jabs to my vag the first thing I want to do is get laid”
Jamie: “aren’t you supposed to put a bandage on a tattoo after you get one?  How are they going to bandage that?’
Me: “I don’t know, a diaper maybe?”
Jamie: “Jesus honey, she didn’t shit herself!”
*I proceed to burst out laughing so hard he has to stop the film

zazel_the_scent_of_love___zazel_aromat_ljubvi_1996___43_gb_720pblu_rayrip_555173Next up is Sasha Vinni (again…) painted like a tiger with her hair in cornrows, writhing and crawling around a random jungle. This entire scene goes back and forth between her being a “tiger” – complete with ‘rawring’ – and a faceless woman’s ass painted like a tiger having sex with a man. Totally random, not at all hot, very cool body paint work. For the most part, it just looked like a big tiger was eating a hot dog. Also, get your sweet tiger poster here. Not into Tigers, what about some Zoobooks?

Zazel has more random sex with flowers. *Booooooring!

220px-Zazel_Three_MusketeersThree women (Sasha Vinni, Brooke Lane and Anna Romero) dressed in garb even Lady Gaga wouldn’t touch (17th-century-style period costume, not very tastefully done either) strip, make-out and perform cunnilingus on one another. Eventually the scene leads to 2 of the women pulling out dick shaped rubber/latex spurs and attaching them to the back of their boots. As expected, they have sex with the fun dick spurs. *Quite possibly one of the more interesting ‘wtf’ moments of the film.

Jamie: “Why is there minstrel music playing?”
Me: *in all seriousness while referring to the cat from Shrek* “Why do they all look like puss in boots?”
Jamie: “did you really just say that?”
Me: “I want a fun feather in a hat like that!”
Jamie: “no, no you don’t”
Me: “those are not rubber dicks! they can’t be! wait…I…what the f*ck?! Okay that’s actually rather genius, though they really shouldn’t be using rubber, that’s just cheap and icky”

More diddling by Zazel with flowers…

zazelFade from black to 3 female angels (Sasha Vinni, Brooke Lane and Helena) and one male angel (Antonio Valentino) with huge wings he can’t seem to maneuver, all painted with sparkly glitter, hair in knots piled on their heads and the most boring looks on their faces.  The ladies participate in various sexual acts (lots of making out, nipple play, touching and cunnilingus) while the male angel only mildly participates (caresses breasts, licks nipples etc).  Eventually it leads to sex, with the same bored expressions and lack luster body glitter stealing the scene.

Random cut to a black and white scene from what looks like the inside of a barn, with a woman (Gina LaMarca) on a bed wearing white pasties and panties, dancing erotically (basically stripping) for a male observer (Jon Severini). Before long the clothes are off and the two of them are going at it on the bed. In an epic unexpected moment Jon blows his load – way past her body – and the two of them somehow end up frolicking in a pool. Because sex in a barn should always lead to playing in a pool. Duh.

As if the last scene wasn’t random or pointless enough we now find Zazel dressed in a costume of half man/half woman and tangoing back and forth in front of the camera while a woman with a shaved head and fun, sparkly clothes pins on her nipples gives oral sex to a perfume bottle. During the whole scene Zazel explains the opposites and balance of male/female.

Me: “Oh My God, are those really bedazzled clothes pegs on her nipples”
Jamie: “No…wait…yes, yes they are fun sparkly clothes pegs on her nipples. Wow, didn’t see that one coming”

Random mermaid lesbian sex with Zazel and another female (Nikki St. Gilles) on an iceberg that rocks back and forth on top of the water, and may or may not lead to a possible case of motion sickness of the viewer(s). Unless you’re into that kind of thing you may want to fast forward this one.

In the second to last scene Zazel is doodling or drawing in a book (I honestly lost interest by this point) and has visions of a “She-Devil” ( Anna Romeo) dressed in a fire engine red latex costume (think The Cell meets Legend), complete with latex horns, boots, open-assed shorts and a long pointed devil’s tail crammed in her butt (not kidding). After Zazel nods off to sleep (while drawing) the “She-Devil” sneaks behind and cuts her head off with a scythe, she then drops the head on the table and proceeds to climb on the table, making the decapitated head perform oral sex on her (I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried).

7986974During the entire scene (and the rest of the “Hell” scenes to follow) the bottom half of the screen is filled with digitally superimposed flames. And here I thought the 3D effects from This Ain’t Avatar XXX were migraine inducing, I’ve never wanted to scream “JUST MAKE IT STOP!!” so badly.

zazel_scene_8_fh.mp4Zazel awakens from the dream holding her throat and we find the “She-Devil” strutting and dancing in front of a fire place, she then walks over to one side of the mantle and a “stone” structure turns into a gargoyle (Kevin James) who she peels paint off of. The scene continues with the She-Devil having sex with the  gargoyle and a “Demon Man” (Drew Rees), which ends in a dp scene.

The film ends with a monologue by Zazel, wrapped in a robe, once again randomly wandering in a garden and babbling about beauty, pussy, sexuality or some other mouthful of poorly scripted garbage. As many of you can probably tell by the time the movie was over I had enough.

Dialogue

Being that there wasn’t any scripted dialogue between the actors there really isn’t much to cover. Having said that I wish they had used a professional voice actress for the internal monologue/thought process of Zazel. Not only did she come off as a totally fake and forced version of what someone might consider a ‘timid female’, but her attempt at being sexy caused the exact opposite effect, sounding amateurish, monotone, cheesy and the least compelling I’ve ever heard.

It probably wouldn’t have been so bad had her narration been few and far between, instead it was present every scene and between scenes while she wad diddling flowers or painting vaginas – basically put, it got old fast, real fast!

The Bad

Aside from the fact that it was outdated there were other aspects of this film that made it rather hard to watch;

  • All the sex scenes were void of passion or feeling. No one looked interested, aroused, excited or like they were really enjoying it. Maybe it was a lack of chemistry. Maybe it was a lack of talent. Maybe it was the director wanting it to be ‘artistic’. Or maybe it was all of the above. Either way we fast forwarded through every sex scene and ended up far less turned on then when we began.
  • On that note, the sex scenes go on far too long which makes it even harder to watch (pun not intended). With a 126 minute run time, this movie could have easily been cut down to 70 – 90 minutes, which may have made it a bit more enticing.
  • Although there is no scripted dialogue you often see the actors talking dirty to each other yet can’t hear what they’re saying, something both of us found rather disappointing.

e164f4b5ee08The Good

Don’t get me wrong, Zazel has a lot going for it; the cinematography is visually stunning with lush back drops that stir the imagination, the costumes – though outdated – are for the most part creative, extravagant, awe inspiring and interesting, the artwork, including body painting, drawings and vaginal ‘tattoos’ is beautifully done, some of the scenes are compelling, shocking and cross lines I’ve never seen in a porn before (the decapitated head/oral sex scene for one), and the lack of dialogue between performers allowed me to watch without the constant snickering or giggles many other adult movies beget.

It’s also a movie I could see some viewers really appreciating, especially those that are off put by the visuals and intensity ‘hard core’ gonzo movies provide.

Cast

Sasha Vinni – Zazel/Blue Siren/Tiger/Brunette Musketeer/Female Angel/Mermaid * Grace Harlow – Water Nymph * Lene Hefner – Tattooed Girl * Devin Deray – Tattoo Artist * Anna Romero – Redhead Musketeer/Body Double for Female Angel/She-Devil * Brooke Lane – Blonde Musketeer/Female Angel * Antonio Valentino – Winged Male Angel * Helena – Female Angel * Gina LaMarca – Seductress * Jon Severini – Man * Nikie St. Gilles – Blonde Beauty/Mermaid * Kevin James – Gargoyle/Body Double for Winged Male Angel * Drew Reese – Demon Man

Credits

Director – Philip Mond * Producer – Marco * Music – Dino and Earl Ninn * Cinematographer – Philip Mond * Editor– James Avalon * Distributor – Metro Interactive * Budget– $237,000

Screen shot 2014-01-20 at 11.43.32 PMAwards

Listed as “26th” in “The 101 Greatest Adult Tapes Of All Time” by AVN Magazine * AVN Awards (1998) – Best All-Sex Film/Best Group Scene/Best Cinematography/Best Art Direction/Best Editing/Best Overall Marketing Campaign/Best Selling Tape of the Year * AVN Award (2009) – Best Classic Release 

Final Verdict

If you’re looking for a movie full of sex scenes that are visually compelling rather than sexually exciting, contains little to no dialogue, sex scenes that border on soft-core, elaborate costumes and ventures far from the ‘standard’ adult film formula the market seems to be flooded with, you might just want to check out Zazel: The Scent Of Love.

On the other hand, if you prefer a movie that has all of the above and chemistry, dialogue, witty banter and no migraine inducing graphics, I suggest opting for a movie like Pirates instead.

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Review: This Ain’t Avatar XXX

This Aint Avatar XXX Porn ParodyLike most people, I’m guilty of believing the hype when it comes to products that are heavily promoted. I don’t know what’s wrong with the wiring in my brain that makes me believe the object of said hype is worth it, but I almost always fall for it.

Yes, even when it’s a parody porn.  Even more so when it’s a parody porn made by the folks at Hustler.

You’d think by now I’d know better. *sigh*

Having said that, I’m going to start this review by stating that I had really, really, really high hopes for This Ain’t Avatar XXX. I expected that the 3D version (which used those fun red & blue glasses) would be epic and that the quality of the DVD itself would be above par. Sadly, neither was the case.

Spoiler Alert; If you have not seen This Ain’t Avatar XXX and plan on it, I suggest you only read the above first 2 paragraphs as this review will most likely ruin it for you.

Review: This Ain’t Avatar XXX

3D Version/Effects

There’s no nice way to say this, so I’m just going to be blunt: the 3D version sucks!

No really, it sucks balls hard!!

Right from the start the picture was distorted, often pixelated, blurred, and became increasingly hard to watch (even with the shitty glasses on). In a sad attempt to give the benefit of the doubt (or maybe it was my disillusioned wishful thinking) I blamed the TV and DVD player, insisting it wasn’t the actual movie that was the problem. I mean c’mon, it’s Hustler, they have the money to put into a proper 3D production right? Maybe not.

As if the above attempt to salvage the 3D wasn’t bad enough, I switched to naively thinking it might be the distance we were sitting from the screen.  After moving closer, farther, sitting dead center to the screen, squatting so I was lower, tilting my head so I looked like a confused dog, jamming the glasses against my head, putting the disc in another DVD player, and finally squinting so that the screen was just a tiny slit, I had to accept it was the quality of filming that was the real problem.  Side note: headaches from shitty 3D movies aren’t fun.

My Partners 2 cents: First of all, the flick is promoted as a 3D extravaganza. T.A.A. has about as much in common with 3D as twinkies have with nutrition. Even old school 3D would cringe at the horribly cheap blue and red bleed technique that gives the slightest instances of three dimensions, but not without completely discoloring and blurring the picture. Fail. Epic Fail.

Star Rating (out of 5):

This Ain't Avatar XXX Porn ParodyCostumes/Body Paint

When I read the publicity regarding the body paint being used I was once again mislead into having high expectations. Like I said earlier, I should have known better. *shakes head*

Hustler Press Release:

We used an alcohol-based paint so that it wouldn’t sweat or rub off during the film’s most important scenes.”

“We used more than 40 bottles of the makeup and they cost more than $50 a bottle, so you can imagine what kind of finances went into airbrushing the actors blue!”

According to my lovely calculator that’s just over $2,000 (with tax of course) – Wow. What a huge budget for a multi-million dollar corporation. Sarcasm.

If you ask me, they should have just banished the blue airbrushing to the hole it belongs, invested more and actually used special effects because after one blow job, the chin of one of the actresses (Nicki Hunter) was completely paint free. Last I checked some of the “most important scenes” in porn included blow jobs. Hell, in some movies they’re the best part! Silly me, what was I thinking?

FYI: The knees, hands, boobs, inner thighs, asses and various parts of the body also showed a lack of paint (or smearing) after a short period of time.

avatarxxxAside from the above mentioned issues I feel the need to let you in on one of the most disappointing aspects of This Ain’t Avatar XXX

THE DICKS ARE NOT BLUE!!!

Isn’t the whole point of porn cock shots? How in sweet baby Jesus’ name can you make a porn movie with blue people and NOT give them blue dicks!?

Ugh, such a let down, especially considering that they could have just put a blue condom on. Sure, it’s cheap and probably not ideal, but it would have been something, and in this case something would have been much better than a flesh colored dong hanging off a smeared blue painted body.

Considering how much I’ve already bitched, I’m not going to get into how the use of over sized fake ears, bedazzled areolas/nipples, feather boas, Hustler t-shirts and unrealistic lingerie brought down the film.

My Partners 2 cents: It’s only saving grace, and alternately its ultimate downfall, is the hilarity of the make-up and special effects. You can’t help but laugh at watching a blue alien (with a pink cock might I add) slam a pair of blue butt cheeks and effectively wipe off paint to reveal white skin underneath.

Star Rating (out of 5): ★½

Scenes/Acting/Plot

This Ain't Avatar XXX Porn ParodyTruthfully the only words that come to mind when I think of the sex scenes are cold, detached, boring, uninspiring, repetitive, uninteresting, and yawn inducing. Neither of us were aroused watching this movie and for the most part, actually fast forwarded through the sex scenes. Who does that?!

As for the Acting; the lines are spat out with a dire lack of enthusiasm, there is no real emotion or chemistry between the performers, the costuming/body paint made it hard to tell one person from another and with the exception of one scene that included a lot of drooling, no one looked like they wanted to be there. Boring. Bored. Lame. ‘Nuff said.

When it comes to the plot, lets just say there really isn’t one.

It’s basically flashback after flashback, guy talking to the screen while fun digital numbers (a la matrix) flash in the corners of the screen. Sex in a bush. Sex on a rock. Guy talking to the screen again. Sex on a table. Sex on the floor (with socks on). Sex on another rock. Group sex in a bush (don’t pun that)… and so on. Not in that order, but just as boring as described. Actually, I think my description made it sound better than it is.

avatarxxxporn*side note: For me, a sense of detail and realism is always a selling point in porn, not to mention the maintenance of a theme – that said, why is it that there is a scene where a human is alive in the “Panwhoran” jungle and yet the affects of their world don’t affect her? Did they realize at some point during filming that she was allergic to the body paint and couldn’t be painted??  It’s a minor detail, but for those of us who care about such things it’s extremely distracting.

My Partners 2 cents: Although my hopes weren’t high, the acting is absolutely abysmal, even by pornography’s standards. If your movie isn’t going to have a plot, then don’t offer even a semblance of one, even if it is a parody.  And the sex scenes themselves have a lot to be desired. Repetition and disinterest are the two main culprits. There are more variations than blow-cowgirl-blow-doggy-blow-reverse cowgirl-blow that can be taken advantage of in a script. When the actors look particularly bored performing these limited routines, it hurts the film even more.

Add to that the fact that the camerawork was relegated to mostly single motionless extended shots for the majority of the time, the sound was incredibly inconsistent and bad lighting proved to be not a friend to more than a few actors and you have one bad movie.

Choice quotes we uttered while watching:

Him: “Why are they having sex on a tanning bed?”
Me: “That’s not a tanning bed, it’s a table with a lid”
Him: “Why does the table have a lid?”
Me: “I have no clue! Here’s a better question, why isn’t his dong blue?!”

*he finally give in and goes to change DVD*
Me: “Wait, stop, look!! She’s got fun bedazzled boobs! Never mind, one just fell off.”

Star Rating (out of 5): a really shitty ½ star for trying

Final Verdict

I’ll admit this review was basically a giant bitch fest, but when you compare movies like this to other bar raising greats like Pirates, can you really blame me?

If there is any part of you that is still curious about This Ain’t Avatar XXX, go ahead, be my guest and watch it. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you when you find yourself staring at the screen blurry eyed from the crappy 3D, head pounding from watching  for too long, bored out of your mind by the lack of depth or sexual chemistry, utterly disappointed with the plot, and laughing while pointing out the bare spots on the actors bodies.

Yes, it really is that bad.

For those that loved the original Avatar and thought the character Neytiri was hot, so hot you’d like to do her, here’s my advice; get the Alien Fleshlight, rent or buy the original movie and stroke it while watching the sexual tension mount between her and Jake. It’s a hell of a lot better, and much more arousing than this parody.

avatarxxxbackofboxMy Partners 2 cents: This certainly ain’t AVATAR, and barely qualifies as a porno parody. Taking on the skin version of a major Hollywood Blockbuster implies that the makers might put above average effort into their work. My assumption was that ‘This Ain’t Avatar’ might be somewhere in the ballpark of ‘Pirates‘. To say I was disappointed would be an understatement.

Overall Rating (out of 5 stars): ★★

*I’m giving it 2 stars because although it was crappy, I can tell they made the effort. I’m also sure that in one way or another it could have been much worse, though truthfully, I’m not exactly sure how.

Other reviews of This Ain’t Avatar XXX:

Xcritic: http://www.xcritic.com/review/36257/misty-stone-this-aint-avatar-xxx/

The Life & Art of Vern: http://outlawvern.com/2010/11/16/this-aint-avatar/

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