Yes, you read the title correctly. I’m reviewing a Baby Jesus Butt Plug.
Unlike my review of the Diving Nun, I’m not going to make any apologies. I’m over censoring my experiences, especially when it’s done for those who are unable to differentiate between a silicone molded sex toy called the “Virgin Mary” – for dramatic effect – and having sex with an actual crucifix (which would be wrong, since the sharp edges COULD STAB YOU IN YER BITS). If there is a product I feel like reviewing I’m going to, without shame, embarrassment, fear of retaliation, or guilt… so if you feel this deserves a warning before reading on, you can find one here.
Of course I do know that no matter where I take this review, or what I do to make light of it, many of you will be taken aback. So, in an effort to make it clear that we’re all on the same page let me just say this: I’m well aware of the potential implications and consequences sticking a little Jesus in my ass could create. Being married to someone who went to a very strict Catholic school I’ve been informed that this review in particular will practically pave a gleaming golden walkway to hell, complete with my very own fiery arches, winged apocalyptic horse drawn carriage, fanged minions, royal diamond encrusted scepter (sourced from unethical places and workers, of course), all topped off with a set of brass knuckles to rule them all… and I’m totally okay with that. At the end of the day I’ve made a living toting sex advice and slinging dildos. What’s one more silicone mold to add to the fire and brimstone?
I kid, I kid. Ugh, I’m just making it worse aren’t I?! Pffft. As if this is the very worst I could do.
p.s. if anyone can draw me the above stated scenario in graphic novel form I’d be beyond wowed.
Like the other Divine Interventions goodies, this adorable little plug arrived swaddled in nothing more than a First Holy Communion napkin to protect it; no clam shell plastic, no flimsy cardboard box, no thin plastic bag. Literally nothing other than the shipping box. For some this may come off at cheap or impractical, but to me it’s highly appropriate, especially considering the nature of the product; if someone was come across it they wouldn’t necessarily know what it was granting you the privacy and discretion you deserve. More than that it’s cost effective and eco-friendly. Plain brown boxed Jesus for the #win.
Regarding all of the non blasphemous reasons I think the Baby Jesus Butt Plug is a grand ‘ol time:
With the exception of facial features, namely the chubby little cheeks and forehead, the silicone body is supple and smooth with a generous bit of squish and give. Even with the variety of ridges to work past, it’s not overwhelming or intimidating, instead being designed to effortlessly slide and ‘pop’ into place with a generous amount of lube… just don’t make the mistake of thinking you wont feel much, because you will… a very weird experience indeed; what you’re sensing is the total awareness of Little J’s head going in your sphincter. Thankfully the bumps aren’t obnoxious or well defined, instead working quite well as a way to gauge how far it has traveled. It’s like a built in GPS system shared between you and J. I’m smirking at the thought.
Once inserted it’s not too big nor too small, being perfect for those looking to try something larger and sleeker than the Vixen Creations Buddy, but a tad more sensational and stimulating than the Tantus Ryder (both of which are fantastic if you’re afraid to explore, but willing to try). Size wise you’re looking at 4.5″ inches in length, 3″ inches insertable, and 1.5″ inches in diameter, all of which are pretty standard measurements where butt toys are concerned. Comparatively speaking, if you like the Tantus Ryder you’ll likely find they’re pretty damn similar, with the only major differences being the texturing and tapered lower portion; size wise, their near identical matches (pictured left).
On that note, the flexible and elongated flared base is far more desirable than typical round versions as it doesn’t shift, turn, slide, or spread the ass cheeks uncomfortably apart, instead fitting with little to no discomfort. For the most part it makes itself unknown, unless you’ve never used one, in which case you’ll know it’s there, at all times. For those that like suction cup action (i.e. thwacking your product down so it stays in place allowing you to mount it), once suctioned to a flat surface it stays stuck extremely well with little to no shifting or moving (great for use in the shower or tub).
When it comes to anything you pop in your butt you’ll want to make sure it won’t absorb bodily fluids, lube or bacteria, being that Baby J is made of non-porous silicone all the bases are covered. It’s also hypoallergenic, non-toxic, phthalate and latex free… basically put, if cleanliness is next to Godliness, this may just be as close as you’ll get where ass toys are concerned. And for the record, it passed the flame test with flying colors.
Totally unrelated to the usage I have to say that the coloring is quite stunning, displaying a lovely deep Merlot hue marbled with metallic charcoal grey and black tones, all gleaming like the North Star in the night.
There’s a fair amount of grooves where bodily fluids, lube and debris will collect, requiring more attention when it comes to cleaning. On the plus side it’s made of quality silicone so nothing will actually absorb into it, and a 3 minute purge in boiling water will sterilize it completely.
Before I continue I just want to point out that the next ‘issue’ has absolutely no effect on the usage of the toy, instead being more of a silly-little-bizzaro-land-masochistic-perfectionist expectation than a real complaint; if I’m going to be cramming Baby Jesus in my ass, I’d like the product to resemble him so closely that I legitimately feel the guilt and shame a sinning blasphemer would. After all, isn’t that the whole point? Sadly it certainly doesn’t look like him… in all honesty, I can’t help but think it could be the potential offspring of Big Baby from Toy Story 3 and Spider Baby (a.k.a Babyface) from Toy Story 1, if that could even be a thing. Or a baby ninja turtle, without the shell and fun colored bandana of course. Either way it’s cute, but not close enough. If only the one angry eyebrow could satisfy me esthetically. *sigh*
Again, this isn’t necessarily a fault of the product, just something you’ll want to keep in mind since the ass doesn’t self lubricate, and silicone can often create a drag on the skin, you’ll need lube, and lots of it to make insertion as easy as possible. If you’re not fully relaxed, lubed or ready, yes, you’ll likely find it a tad uncomfortable, but if you follow the steps I’ve outlined here, you’ll probably be pleasantly surprised by the glorious way it makes your ass feel.
Finally, it attracts lint, fluff, pet hair, your own hair, dust, etc, etc, etc, and damn near anything else that it might come in contact to like white on rice. If your a klutz like me, be sure all surfaces are clean or expect to be annoyed.
All things considered I wouldn’t say it’s my favourite plug, I wouldn’t even go so far as to say it’s my second favourite, but since it’s crafted from a quality material, isn’t overwhelmingly large or intimidating, feels comfortable once in place, and grants the opportunity to brag about something most people never will (ahem, buttsecks with Baby J. Trust me, I know just how wrong that statement was), I can see how it might just become a favourite of many.
Is it potentially inappropriate, a little creepier than expected, and tacky as all hell? Certainly, but I’d like to think I’m a better person and reviewer for it. The things I do for you people. #YouWin
If you’re looking for quality sex toys made by a small company, and don’t have any religious guilt to deal with (or if you do and it’s the thing that gets you off), head over to Divine Interventions and grab something that might just help you get a little closer to God. Can I get an Amen?
Or for those that want the same level of quality, without the religious aspect, I’m going to offer up the Non-Denominational line of sex toys … just as great, but without all the fun of being a total blasphemous sinner.
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