Since some of the more commonly asked questions I get have always been from those that are new to sexuality, sex and exploring their sexual selves, I figured it was time I answered in video format. For those of you looking for more detailed information I’ve also created a 3 part series based around “First Time Tips” that you can find in through the following links: Part 1 (general info), Part 2 (tips for guys), Part 3 (tips for girls). If you’re interested in other issues regarding ‘virginity’ I suggest you check this link.
I truly hope that between this video and all the other ‘beginner’ posts I’ve created you’ll be better equipped to deal with anything that comes your way.
Most of you reading this are probably hoping for some helpful “sexual” tips that might aid you in pleasing your female partner, more so, turning her on.
The truth is, the way to a woman’s heart isn’t through playing with her nipples, diddling her clit, or touching her in that place she likes. Sure those things help, but they’re not the the end all/be all of sexual arousal.
Most women need to be “in the mood” in order to reach an orgasm. i.e. relaxed, stress free, comfortable, and in a state of mind where they don’t have constant worries running through their head.
You can try all you want physically, but unless she feels that everything is taken care of, I can pretty much guarantee that you’re attempts at turning her on will be futile.
To help you understand why I say this I’m going to give you a brief glimpse of what runs through most women’s mind, even while your playing with that “special” spot…
*While you’re doing your best to get her in the mood:
“Wow that feels good, a little higher, a little higher. He always knows right where to kiss me… don’t forget that the dishes need to get done. Why do I always have to do them? why can’t he do them for once?! Did he forget to buy toilet paper again? ugh, I hope the stores still open, these napkins are starting to rub me raw. That feels nice, a little lower, a little lower. Yeah right there. These sheets haven’t been washed in days. So gross. I’ll just put them in after we’re done. Perfect! I have to do the laundry I need that suit for work tomorrow anyways. What day was I supposed to pick up the dry cleaning? …“
The best suggestion I can give when it comes to getting your lady in the mood is to help her feel like she’s not doing it all on her own: do the dishes, put your dirty clothes in the hamper instead of the floor, make her dinner, pick up the kids from school, bring her flowers, do some of the grocery shopping (without her), vacuum, dust, clean the shit stained toilet, or sweep. The more she sees you making the effort the more likely she’ll be able to let go and enjoy herself.
We women hate doing the house work just as much as most men do, which is why we appreciate it so much when you actually do make the effort!
Trust me, if your woman starts coming home to a clean house (one less thing she has to do) I can pretty much guarantee she’ll want to thank you for your hard work.
Don’t believe me? Give it a go for a full 2 weeks and see what happens…
*no I am not sexist in any way, nor do I believe in stereo typing, but I’ve heard it enough times from girls to know what makes the difference between him getting some or getting none.
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Ever since I started making videos I’ve been consistently asked to cover having sex on your period. For as much as I wanted to, something internally fought me on it; the judgment, possible removal of the video, unnecessary flagging, trolls, wading through and deleting crappy/childish comments, dislikes etc.
With all the discouraged thoughts roaming in my head I put it off.
Truthfully, I just didn’t feel the need to invite any further negative attention, and assumed that a video on such a taboo subject would definitely bring that about.
Having said that, after much personal debate I finally decided that since these videos are for you – designed to educate, liberate, inform, and possibly help you engage in something you might enjoy – I would throw caution to the wind and make the video.
While having sex while on your period is nothing to be embarrassed about, ashamed of, or scared of, I do completely understand that for some of you it may be too “gross” to consider. If you choose to have sex on your period, or not, that’s a completely personal decision that every person, and couple, has a right to.
If you want to do it, that’s okay.
If you don’t, well that’s okay too.
Just keep in mind that no actual harm can come from having sex on your period, nor can any damage be done. It’s just the body flushing out what’s no longer needed.
For those of you that want more information, here’s some links to sites that should be handy and helpful when it comes to learning about the ovulation cycle and menstruation in general.
Regarding products mentioned in the video: Softcups, Diva Cup, Female/Internal Condom, and Diaphragm video.
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Contrary to what most of us grew up believing, the hymen is not a flat piece of skin covering the opening of the vagina only to be torn apart or punctured while having sex for the first time. If that were true, there would be no way for menstrual blood to exit the vagina during a period. For all its fabled mystery, the hymen is a body part like any other.
Having said that, hymens come in many shapes and sizes; some are thick and some are thin, some have tiny punctures while others are one singular hole, some look as if they have a series of tears in them, others look like they’ve been split down the middle, and some aren’t born with one at all. That’s just the beginning. Like all body parts, each hymen is unique to the person that owns it.
For those new to sex positive education, interested in learning about their body or the bodies of others, this post should cover everything you need to know about the hymen.
What does your hymen look like?
If you’re curious about what your hymen looks like, following these steps should make the process much easier:
What you’ll need: a mirror, preferably one that sits on a stand (if you can get one that magnifies, even better), a place you feel comfortable where you have some privacy, and a flashlight.
Prop yourself up against something stable while sitting on the floor (a bed, wall, couch – something that wont shift) and spread your legs so that your comfortable and able to lean forward (this will allow you to look in the mirror closer if need be).
Position the mirror between your legs so you have a full view of your genitals.
Once comfortable, slowly spread the lips of your vulva (labia majora and minora) with one of your free hands.
When looking keep in mind the hymen is usually located 1 – 2 cm inside the vaginal opening, not deep inside the vaginal canal.
If you find a thin layer of skin with a small hole (or holes) present, your hymen is most likely ‘intact’. If you notice small traces of broken skin surrounding your vaginal opening, you may have already stretched or broken your hymen.
Regardless of what you find it’s normal, natural, and nothing to be freaked out by. If you do happen to have any concerns try talking to a parent, trusted knowledgeable adult or friend, doctor, searching trusted sex education sites online, or reading informational sex ed books.
Below are examples of various hymens which can act as a guide to help you find yours.
Dispelling Common Hymen Myths
Although it isn’t very common (about 1 in 200 people), some hymens cover the entire vaginal opening. This is usually detected at an early age, as it causes a constant abdominal pain, and usually requires surgical treatment. This type of hymen is called an “Imperforate hymen”.
Contrary to popular belief a person can get pregnant even if the hymen is intact. As such I suggest you remember to use a form of birth control while having sex. *An intact hymen covers the entrance of the vagina, but does not seal it. There is still an opening to let the monthly cycle (period) escape the body, therefore sperm is still able to pass through.
When the hymen tears, which may or may not happen, it can occur during exercise, tampon use, masturbation, or sexual activity.
Most of the membrane is already worn away when a person finally has intercourse, and it plays little to no role in the discomfort they may experience.
Bleeding the first time a person has sex does not necessarily mean that the hymen ‘broke’. Instead, bleeding during sex could be caused by tense vaginal muscles, a rushed entry, lack of lubrication, or abrasions inside the vaginal canal, among many other things. On that note, if a person doesn’t bleed the first time they have sex it doesn’t necessarily mean that the hymen did not tear.
Hymens are elastic in nature and vary in their elasticity from one body to another, which means that the breakage process also differs.
Everything You Need To Know About The Hymen: Random Hymen Facts
The name comes from the ancient Greek for “hymenaeus,” which means “vaginal-flap.” It was also the name for the Greek god of marriage, later also the Greek god of membranes; “Hymenaios.”
Due to similar reproductive system development, many mammals, including chimpanzees, elephants, manatees, whales, and horses retain hymens.
In the sixteenth and seventeenth centuries, medical researchers used the presence of the hymen, or lack thereof, as founding evidence of physical diseases such as “womb-fury” (hysteria). If not cured, womb-fury would, according to these early doctors, result in death.
As we all know knowledge is power, having accurate information about the hymen can help to normalize a persons fears about their body, sexuality, sexual experiences, and help promote greater self-confidence and acceptance.
Hopefully through watching the video your questions will be answered and you’ll gather some valuable insight about the hymen, along with changing your views on the perceptions associated with it.
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Before I get started please understand everyone born with a vagina has their own chemistry and hormones that contribute to the way they smell and taste. Regardless of how healthy they eat, how much time they spend scrubbing their genitals, or the choices they make both in and out of the bedroom, they are going to have their own unique scent. That’s just how it goes.
As for my suggestions, first and foremost: Douching doesn’t help. The vagina is not meant to be flushed with harsh chemicals or detergents. That’s probably the WORST thing anyone could suggest they do.
I’m pretty sure this is probably the first time you’ve heard that, so let me explain how things work…
The vagina has a naturally acidic pH level (healthy vaginal pH sits around 3.8 to 4.5 out of 14) that takes care of all the bad bacteria via discharge – fluid from glands inside the vagina and cervix – which carries away dead cells and bacteria, keeping the vagina clean and helping to prevent infection. When a person douches they wash away both the good and bad bacteria. Now with the good bacteria removed, the vagina is a perfect environment for the bad bacteria that enters to take over and run rampant.
With that in mind, they don’t need to use heavy soaps, detergents, creams, cloths, or sprays. Mild soap and water will suffice for external cleaning of the vulva.
My second suggestion is to bring up the option of 100% cotton underwear as it will allow the body to breathe and reduce the amount of sweat present, which will also hopefully result in less of a vaginal odor. Aside from that, it would be a good idea to limit the amount of tight synthetic material, thongs, and g-strings worn as they trap bacteria and can bring on the potential for infection.
If you use deodorant on your vulva and/or vagina I suggest you stop. That, like douching, can equal a recipe for disaster; the body sweats for a reason. By applying deodorant to the vulva/vagina they can not only increase the chance of infection, but also confuse the body and force it to overcompensate in other ways.
I’d also suggest seeing a doctor as the cause of the smell might be due to an infection like bacterial vaginosis (caused by an imbalance of naturally occurring bacterial flora).
Douching – using water or a medicated solution to clean the vagina
Having a bath with antiseptic liquids
Having a new sex partner
Having multiple sex partners
Perfumed bubble baths and some scented soaps
Smoking
Using an IUD (intrauterine device), such as a contraceptive device made from plastic and copper that fits inside the uterus
Using vaginal deodorants
Washing underwear with strong detergents or change of laundry detergent
Among other natural causes, Bacterial Vaginosis may occur from semen entering the vagina and throwing off the natural pH balance. That said, if you’ve been having unprotected sex, stop. After your partner has seen a doctor and knows that they’re free and clear of an infection, or has been successfully treated for one, go back to using condoms to limit the semen that comes into contact with the vagina (unless your trying to conceive of course).
Vaginal Hygiene: How To Talk To Your Partner
The last thing I want to mention on this topic is that the way that you choose to discuss it and the words you choose to use will have a direct impact on your partner as a person and a lover; if you go to them in a loving way, with kind words, the offer to help, and be willing to learn all that you can (even possibly help pay for medication or cotton undies), they will be more willing to oblige and attempt to “fix the problem”.
Contrarily, if you go at your partner in an angry, disgusted, frustrated, turned off, embarrassed or rude manner, I can pretty much guarantee that you will not only offend and hurt them, but also create a situation where they feel embarrassed and ashamed of their vulva/vagina and in turn, their sexuality. They will think of the vagina as “dirty”, “gross”, or “shameful”, and likely not want to put out… and when they do, they will be less than enthusiastic and probably wont enjoy it very much. Trust me, I hear it all the time.
On that note, please also try to understand that for most, their vulva/vagina is a very touchy subject. Many people are raised in a society that teaches us to believe that our sexuality, body parts, and sex itself, are things we shouldn’t speak about and should hide away from others;
we are taught to use words like “private parts” in reference to our genitals, a seemingly innocent choice of wording that only further instills this belief.
depending on the culture a female has been raised, she could be taught to think that her vagina is “foul”, “disgusting”, “gross”, “dirty”, “nasty”, and all those other words associated with the things we shouldn’t want to touch or talk about.
daily we are bombarded by mainstream media promoting products that “help” women to feel “fresh”, “clean”, and smell like “flowers” or “summer rain”. These companies do nothing more then make millions by continually misleading the mass viewing public and cause unknowing females to believe that their vaginas are not self cleaning and instead shouldn’t smell the way they do.
Basically, the vulva/vagina is something that not very many women are comfortable talking about… let alone their own genitals.
Be conscious and conscientious with your choice in wording and how to choose to deal with the situation, and understand that by bringing it up you could be hitting a really vulnerable issue for your partner.
If your relationship is important to you, I suggest that you take the time necessary to understand the way the female body works and learn as much as you can. Unfortunately, due to the corporations that solely exist to make society think vaginas are “dirty”, we are taught to think that there is really only one option, when instead, there are many.
I hope that this helps you understand that there is nothing wrong with your partner or the way they smell and provided you with options to think about.
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I’m a sex-positive advocate, reviewer, vlogger, branding, media and publicity creation consultant. In 2007 I created a series on YouTube called Sex Ed 102 to educate on sex positivity, pleasure products, sex tips, tricks, & techniques, contraception options, and STI info. To date Sex Ed 102 has gained over 17 million views on YouTube alone! Keep reading...
Contrary to what most of us grew up believing, the hymen is not a flat piece of skin covering the opening of the vagina only to be torn apart or punctured while having sex for the first time. If that were true, there would be no way for menstrual blood to exit the vagina during a period. For all its fabled mystery, the hymen is a body part like any other.
