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Q&A w/ Kara_Sutra: The Best Condoms And Lube For Anal Sex

Condoms & Safer Sex Products, For The Beginner, Lubes, Q & A

Question

I recently got into a new relationship and we’re planning on having sex soon (I’m a gay male by the way). The problem is that I’m not that experienced, both with partners and toys (and condoms for that matter). I’d like some help where lube and condoms are concerned. Do you have any lubes that you’d personally recommend, preferably silicone for anal play?

Also, would you have any flavored lubes that you’d recommend? We’ve tried a bunch of cheap samples we bought at a local novelty store and they were all pretty gross. Most of them were really thick, sickly sweet, and kinda burned our mouths. We obviously don’t need them to have a good time, but sometimes it’s fun to try new things. Any suggestions would be great.

Finally, I’m not that sexually experienced and quite nervous. Do you have any tips for a first timer?

Answer

Whether it’s anal, vaginal, or otherwise, first times can be overwhelming and scary. Trust me I know, I’ve been there. At some point we all have. With that in mind, the discomfort you may encounter during first time anal sex could be minimum or very intense depending on how relaxed you are. It’s for this reason that I created a post on anal sex tips for beginners, all designed to help make things a bit more comfortable and fun. I suggest reading the full post just so you’re not missing anything. In the meantime, I’ve copied the most valuable info below.

Sh*t Happens… Sometimes.

Before I get into the how-to’s of comfortable butt play, I think it’s worth mentioning the one thing most people are afraid of… having their partner remove whatever they’ve inserted and it being covered in shit. Yes, I really did write that and I really am going there.

The truth of the matter is sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn’t. It can be as little as a tiny speck or a lot (though that’s usually not the case), sometimes there’s nothing at all. Diet can have an affect, as can how recently your last bowel movement was. If it’s something you’re really worried about make sure to go beforehand, don’t eat foods that you know make you feel gassy or have to go (avoid fatty, fried, and spicy food as well as caffeine), and try using a quality douche to clean yourself out.

At the end of the day any time you engage in butt play there’s a chance shit will happen. It’s normal, natural, and should be expected. Sure, it can be embarrassing but if you’re having sex with a great lover that’s mature, understanding, and informed, it doesn’t have to be.

Now that that’s said and done let’s get on to questions at hand…

First Time Anal Sex Tips

Before engaging in full anal penetration it’s a good idea to take some time to warm up; relaxing breathing exercises, meditating, and getting comfortable with your partner will prove helpful in the long run. Remember, the more relaxed you are the more relaxed your muscles will be. This will go a long way when it comes to inserting a toy, finger, or penis comfortably.

After you’ve added some lube, add a finger and just a finger; trying to insert a penis right off the bat can be a shock to the system. Likewise, going too fast too soon can cause you to tense up, leading to a painful experience rather then a enjoyable one. By using a finger you prep the body, stretch the muscles, and allow yourself time to get used to the feeling.

Once the finger is inserted, have your partner leave it there until you’re totally comfortable and relaxed. Tell them not to thrust or move it around… just insert it and leave it.

When you’re ready have them slowly remove the finger. Doing it quickly can cause you to tense up, so make sure to go slow. From there I suggest adding more lube and a toy. You’ll want one that’s on the smaller side, flexible, made of 100% silicone, and has a flared base like the Small Tantus Silk (pictured right). This will give you the opportunity to work up to something larger with minimal discomfort.

Whether you decide to continue with a finger, toy, or penis, have them thrust gently in the beginning. Take your time, relax into it, and try to enjoy the moment.

I know we see the people of porn taking it like champs, but they’re trained professionals. It’s what they do for a living. You’re not expected to take a pounding the first time around. It’ll likely take a few tries, or maybe you won’t ever feel comfortable doing that. Either way, it’s totally okay and normal.

If you’re partner is having a hard time inserting, try doing it doggy style. This may make it easier as you’re the one determining how far it gets inserted and at what speed. Simply have your partner on their knees staying as still as they can. Then slowly back up onto it. Once they’re inside you can find a pace and depth that’s comfortable for you.

Finally, be gentle with yourself and know that if at any time you want to stop there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s your body, you get to call the shots.

The Best Condoms And Lube For Anal Sex

Silicone Lube Options

Since the anus doesn’t self lubricate you’re definitely going to want to invest in some good quality lube. Most silicone lubes are very similar; they’re condom compatible, will maintain a slippery consistency and wont dry out like water based lubes, are tasteless and odourless, are glycerin/paraben free, and are great for use in the shower. Personally I use Sliquid Silver, Premium System Jo, Sliquid Silk, or Pjur. They’re all affordable, quality lubes, made by companies I trust.

If you’re wary of pain and want something that will relax your butt without numbing the area (which can be dangerous since you’re unable to feel tearing), I highly suggest Analyse Me Spray by Pjur. I’ve also heard really great things about Intimate Earth Ease Lube (pictured left). Rather than using benzocaine or lidocain (numbing agents), Intimate Earth uses Bisabolol (a component of chamomile essential oil) which will relax the area while also potentially providing anti-irritant, anti-inflammatory, and anti-microbial benefits.

Of course there are some drawbacks to using silicone lubes; they have the potential to stain fabrics, you’ll need soap and water to fully remove them, and they can break down silicone toys. If you’re nervous about ruining a toy just do a patch test on the bottom of it to see if it’ll be an issue.

Water Based Lube Options

I know you specifically asked for silicone lubes, but I figure it’s always good to have options.

For water based I tend to go with Sliquid H20 because it doesn’t have the shitty chemicals most others do (the people behind the company focus on body safe ingredients so that helps). It also doesn’t get sticky or tacky quickly. It still will a bit, all water based lubes do, but it’s not as bad. If it starts to dry you can easily use spit or water to get it slippery again. When I’m out of Sliquid I use Pjur Med Natural Glide Water Based Lube (pictured right) or Slippery Stuff it’s more of a gel consistency but melts quickly with body heat.

Flavored Lube Options

As for flavored lubes System Jo and Sliquid Swirl are great if you like fruitier flavors. If you’d prefer something that tastes like dessert Wet Warming Desserts and Wicked Sensual Care have the biggest varieties.

Cherry Vanilla Sliquid (pictured left) is my favourite (check my Cherry Vanilla Sliquid Review here). It’s light and fruity with a hint of vanilla. Not at all thick or gross, and didn’t leave a bad after taste. More than that it didn’t burn my throat or tongue. If you want to sample them before investing in a larger size, the Lip Lickers Cube from Sliquid has 4 different flavours you can try. I can’t recommend Sliquid enough!

Wicked Sensual Care has 10 different dessert flavored lubes with most of them being what you’d typically expect. From Salted Caramel to Vanilla Bean, Cinnamon Bun to Candy Apple, they’ve got all the bases covered. With regard to price points, they come in two different sizes so you don’t have to break the bank if you’re not sure about a flavor. I find they’re a bit sweeter, not too syrupy (considering the flavors), have a nice consistency (not sticky or tacky), and a little goes a really long way.

Going back to 2010, System Jo made the first flavored lubes I really liked. The flavors are light, the lube isn’t too thick or goopey, and the feeling is more like a slippery silicone lube than water based. My faves are Chocolate Delight (my review), Tangerine Dream (it tastes like a Creamsicle), and Banana Lick. They also just came out with a ‘Candy Shop’ line, I’m excited to try the Cotton Candy and Butterscotch flavors. There’s a whole bunch more on the System JO website. If you want a bit more info here’s my review of System Jo fruit flavors.

Condoms I’d Recommend

Condom wise, you’ll likely want one that’s barely there. If neither of you have a latex allergy you should enjoy One Vanish, Skyn, Kimono Micro Thin, and Trojan Bareskin. I’ve tried them all and think they’re some of the best around. You can usually find good deals on the Undercover Condoms website in their ‘bulk’ section.

Even though you’ll be using lube you’ll benefit from lubricated condoms as they’ll reduce any chance of friction. Just make sure not to use one that has Nonoxynol-9 as it can actually increase your chances of contracting an STD/STI. Also, don’t go for Magnums unless you absolutely need the larger size. An improper fit can slip off during intercourse, which defeats the purpose of wearing it in the first place. If you’re not sure what size will work best for your needs, this condom sizing guide should help. There’s also my succinct beginners condom guide.

Hopefully this post helped you to not only find a lube and condoms that works for your needs, but also gave you some valuable information on how to make your first time an enjoyable one.

I linked you to the places I shop online, support and trust. If you’d prefer to shop somewhere for reasons of discretion I’ve also linked to Amazon. If you find any of the products I’ve mentioned cheaper elsewhere please let me know so I can pass on the savings other readers.

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Beginners Guide: How To Give A Tit Job

For The Beginner, Good Guides, How To's, Tips, Tricks and Suggestions

When it comes to sexual acts, tit jobs are often one of the things I’m asked about on a regular basis. In practice it’s a relatively easy thing to pull off, though it can admittedly be a little uncomfortable, awkward, distracting, oddly funny, and weird at first… especially if you’ve never done it before or aren’t that comfortable with trying new things.

If it’s something you’d like to try, or if you’d simply like to be better at it, feel free to check out the video above and read the content below. Both have valuable insight and techniques that will have you mastering and enjoying it in no time!

What is a tit job?

Basically, it’s when someone with a dick (or strap-on) has sex with a set of tits.

The act itself is a low risk, non-penetrative form of outercourse (rather than intercourse), that involves thrusting between breasts to create friction and visual stimulation for sexual gratification. It can be used as a form of foreplay leading up to sex, combined with oral sex for greater stimulation, or used in place of sex itself. If done safely, tit jobs allow both partners to enjoy themselves sexually without the worry of an unintended pregnancy or risk of contracting an STI/STD.

Beginners Guide: How To Give A Tit Job

Although it can be fun, jumping straight to it often doesn’t feel like the most natural thing to do, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be easy or effortless.

I suggest starting with some foreplay and taking the time to both get aroused. When you feel ready slowly maneuver yourself into a position where your breasts are level with your partners penis. You can do this by kissing down their torso, moving down to give them a blow job, or lowering yourself to your knees while you undo their pants/belt/skirt etc.

Once you’ve got yourself into position you can rub their penis over your breasts and nipples. Next, add some of the lube to their penis (a teasing handjob works great), then simply place the penis between your breasts and press them together, sandwiching it in the process. From there you should be good to go.

If it feels awkward at first don’t worry, it will get easier as you figure out what positions work best for you and your body type.

You’ll also probably find that the penis slips out easily. Again, this is totally normal and nothing to be embarrassed by. Just slide it back in and keep going.

Tips & Suggestions

While a fairly standard practice, there are tips and suggestions to help make the experience much more enjoyable for everyone involved…

Don’t Be Scared

The main problem I hear from my viewers is having the courage to do it, being nervous about trying it, and not feeling comfortable naked in front their partner. All of these experiences are totally normal, natural, and should be expected, especially if it’s your first time or if you’re experimenting with a new partner. Anytime we’re naked and exposed, trying something we’ve never done before, there’s bound to be some sense of nervousness or vulnerability. The best advice I can give is to relax, have fun with it, and know that no matter what you think of your body, your partner likely thinks you’re sexy as hell and can’t wait to be naked with you.

Don’t Forget About Your Needs

On that note, this can be one of the least stimulating experiences for the person offering up the tits. If this is a problem for you, I have the following suggestions:
- get your partner to reach behind and stimulate you (by hand/with a toy – works best if they’re on top straddling you)
- if you’re kneeling with them sitting in front of you and you don’t have any hands free (because you’re using them to hold your breasts together), you can try to mount a dildo from above as if you’re riding it.
- for better clitoral stimulation, try using a product that’s designed for hands free use like the Eva by Dame or a floor based model like The Cone.
- if you’re still wearing undies, you could easily place a vibrator like a We-Vibe Touch inside to help hold it in place.
- for those with an ample bosom, use your upper arms to push your boobs together. Depending on how you’re positioned you can possibly reach down and play with yourself without much issue.
- have your partner take over holding your tits so you can stimulate yourself.
- try incorporating a boob job with a 69 position.

Lube Is Your Friend

Just like having sex without proper lubrication can be uncomfortable, painful even, so can giving an unlubed boob job. There can be chaffing. Pulling of skin on skin. Friction burn. An inability to thrust completely. The dick getting stuck somewhere in the cleavage. Granted these things don’t always happen, but they can, which is why I always suggest having a good bottle of water based or silicone lube on hand. You can easily change things up by using a lubricant that cools/warms, comes in flavors (for bj’s), or otherwise.

If you’re not planning on engaging in protected intercourse you can use something oil based (like coconut oil, almond oil, or generic massage oil), otherwise steer clear as oil easily breaks down latex condoms. In a pinch you could use spit, but it does tend to dry out faster.

Size Doesn’t Matter (Boob Size That Is!)

Contrary to what you might think, you don’t need to have huge tits to pull this off; for those that aren’t big in the boob department, I’d suggest leaning forward over your partner while they lay on their back – gravity will likely offer a bit more to work with. It probably won’t be as easy as someone with a larger set, but it is still possible.

Explore & Experiment

If you want to have a bit more fun try incorporating oral sex. It might be a little awkward or uncomfortable for those lying on their backs, and you likely wont be able to deep throat very well. But it’s still something worth experimenting with. Just remember to use a dental dam or condom to help reduce the risks of transmitting an STI.

Rather than using a simple in and out thrusting motion, try grabbing the breasts and jiggling them while the penis is sandwiched between.

Things To Avoid – Tips For Those With The Penis

Unless your partner says they like it, don’t just grab their tits, jam ’em together and go to town. Not only can you rub yourself raw, you can also hurt your partner with the force of pushing the breasts together, and/or the friction that’s created while you thrust. Again, I highly suggest the use of a good lube to help make the experience comfortable.

If your partner is going to be giving you a blow job, when your penis comes out from the top of their cleavage – go slow. I’ve heard many instances where the someone has accidentally rammed their penis in the back of their partners throat, jabbed them in the face, or poked them in the eye (seriously!) etc. Remember, this is meant to be fun… if you hurt your partner there is a very likely chance they won’t be up for doing it again.

Be careful how you position yourself or move when kneeling over your partner (with them on their back). Often the breasts will slide and drop to the side of the body, especially for those with large breasts; if you’re not careful you could accidentally pinch or jam them between your leg and your partners body.

If you’ve talked to your partner and they just aren’t comfortable with the idea or don’t like giving a tit job, you can purchase realistic breast masturbators online (pictured right). Although they’re not the real thing, they could go a long way for helping you explore and experiment without having to bother/pressure your partner.

When it comes to ejaculating, I highly suggest talking beforehand about what’s okay and what’s off limits. I’ve received more than enough messages from viewers who have been unexpectedly shot in the face, eye, mouth, or hair by their partner who thought it was part of the plan. Remember, communication is key.

Regarding Positions

A variation in positions can not only help with visual or physical stimulation, it can also help with putting either person in a place of control, while also making the experience a bit more comfortable.

*Note: Unlike the content within the video, I’m opting out of using ‘male’ and ‘female’ pronouns when suggesting positions below. Instead, I’m going to use ‘Partner A’ to represent the person with breasts, and ‘Partner B’ to represent the person with the penis/strap-on etc.

Cowboy: Partner A lays on their back while Partner B straddles their torso (kneeling), and places the penis/strap-on between the breasts of Partner A. Once in this position either partner can grab the breasts and wrap them around the penis. Because this position limits the amount of movement the Partner A has, this places Partner B in control of the rhythm, speed, and timing as to which the ejaculation and/or orgasm occurs. Also, it’s a good idea for the person on top to remember not to lean all their weight as it could accidentally make breathing difficult (for their partner).

Reverse Cowboy: This position is like cowboy only instead of Partner B facing the partner, they’re turned to face their feet. While in this position the person on the bottom can provide oral or manual stimulation to the anus, balls, taint, or other erogenous zones, while the person on top can reach forward and manually stimulate their partner. Again, this position limits the actions of the person beneath, giving Partner B the opportunity to reach down and control the rhythm, speed, and timing when it comes to ejaculation and/or orgasm. One thing to keep in mind when it comes to the oral sex aspect is that it increases the risk of contracting an STD. As such, I suggest using a dental dam to create a barrier and limit the risks.

Standing: Pretty much what it sounds like; Parner B stands while Partner A either kneels or sits in front of them. Although this does usually lend to a more typically thought ‘submissive’ role, it actually gives Partner A a bit more control when it comes to thrusting. Depending on the heights of the people involved, as well as the way the penis curves, this position can be rather difficult or annoying for both parties. Also, depending on the size of breasts involved the act of lifting, pushing together, and holding in place can be tiring. It can also be tough on the knees and joints (use a pillow for adding padding).

Edge of The Seat: When it comes to placing Partner A in control, I’ve been told that this position is preferred. Partner B sits while Partner A kneels in between their legs, using the legs of Partner B for support. Then, leaning forward, Partner A can place the penis between the breasts and control the speed, depth, and rhythm of thrusts. An alternative to this has Partner A sitting, with Partner B standing in front. I suggest experimenting with both positions and seeing which works best for you.

Hopefully this helped in some way and answered any questions you might have, but most of all, I hope this provided you with a new and fun way of exploring and experimenting with your partner without also having to worry about an unintended pregnancy or contracting an STD.

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Dear Ronda Rousey, Just Say Yes To Lube!

For The Beginner, For The Guys, For The Ladies, Health & Wellness, Opinion

: credit: getty images/maxim/kara_sutra reviews

If you follow the sex positive community on twitter, you probably saw a thread of angry tweets recently pop up in your feed with the hashtag #tweetyourlube, created by @EmilyNagoski in support of Rachel Kramer Bussels‘ Salon article, where she refuted some terrible sex advice UFC Bantamweight Champion, Ronda Rousey, had to give a male reader.

In the Maxim Magazine piece, Ronda Rousey was asked, “What should a guy ALWAYS do in bed? What should a guy NEVER do in bed?”, to which she answered…

What should a guy always do? Take his time. In general, a girl takes a minute. He needs to get her ready. You should never need lube in your life. If you need lube, than you’re being lazy…and you’re not taking your time.

While I can appreciate what she’s trying to suggest – that great sex comes when you’re present in the moment, not rushing, and enjoying your partner – her answer was ignorant, disappointing, and very unacceptable.

It’s this kind of uninformed advice that further purports the misguided beliefs that a.) if a person can’t get wet it’s because their partner is doing something wrong and failing them, b.) their partner is responsible for their sexual arousal, and/or c.) lube generally isn’t necessary.

I’m sorry Ronda, but no. Just no. This is just not okay.

Arousal and Desire: Knowing The Difference

According to Ms. Rousey’s answer, all it takes for a person to get wet is time, more time, and a bunch of foreplay.

Unfortunately this isn’t exactly how things work.

What she failed to understand is that there is a difference between the processes of arousal and desire. Arousal (the cause of lubrication, we’ll get to that below), is an involuntary physiological bodily response to a type of stimulus. Whereas the desire to have sex is often based a psychological need or want for sexual intimacy. While the two are often deemed as being one in the same, they are two separate experiences.

Furthermore, although arousal and desire often work together, they can also operate independently, for instance; your partner may want to have sex but their body may not respond the way they need/want (i.e. lack of wetness), or in the opposite case, they may not want to have sex but their body could be responding (as is the case with some rape victims who experience orgasm during the attack).

Sure, a lack of foreplay could play a big role in lowered sexual arousal (and subsequent wetness) but there are a variety of other factors that could have an impact as well. Simply suggesting that it comes down to foreplay, time, and more time, is highly ignorant.

But I digress.

You Are Responsible For Your Orgasm, Not Your Partner

Since 2007 I’ve received countless emails from my cis male readers/viewers asking for help when it came to stimulating their cis female partner. In almost every situation the reader felt like he was doing something wrong because his partner couldn’t get wet, wasn’t fully aroused, or couldn’t orgasm no matter how hard he tried.

Unlike Ms. Rouseys advice that he spend more time on stimulation, my first suggestion was often to open the lines of communication; find out what type of touch she preferred, where she liked to be touched, the amount of pressure she needed, and where she was most sensitive to sexual stimulation. Without this information, no amount of help I had to offer would be of any use.

Yes, a person should take their time, but if you’re not doing what your partner likes or needs, it’s pointless. And spending more time doing it certainly isn’t going to help.

In all honesty, this is the kind of thing that makes me ridiculously angry. Unfortunately societal standards have often dictated that it takes a strong, steadfast, virile man to get a female off. That her orgasm is his responsibility. That she is dependent on him and his skills to ‘get her ready’. That if she doesn’t orgasm it’s his fault because he finished too quickly, or didn’t take his time, or wasn’t focused, or wasn’t a good lover, or didn’t know what he was doing, or didn’t anticipate her needs, or couldn’t read her body language, or was ‘lazy‘, or…

I could go on, but the point I’m trying to make is that if you can’t orgasm or become aroused with your partner it’s your responsibility to learn about your body and communicate what you need.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that speaking about sex, or during sex for that matter, is an easy or comfortable thing to do. With all the shame surrounding the subject, our bodies, and sexuality in general, I know how hard and complicated it can be. But if you don’t take ownership of your pleasure and share your needs, you can’t fault your partner when they do try to please you but miss the mark.

A Bit About Vaginal Lubrication, Or Lack Thereof

Before I go on, I figured this would be the perfect opportunity to give a quick run down on vaginal lubrication. That way we’ll all be completely clear on how what Ms. Rousey is suggesting isn’t exactly the best advice…

Vaginal Lubrication: The Coles Notes

During sexual arousal the ‘female’ body experiences a variety of physical changes, the vulva and clitoris swell, the nipples become erect, muscular tension pulls the uterus upwards causing the vaginal canal to extend (both in length and width – called ‘tenting‘), and the vaginal walls fill with blood in a process called vasocongestion (also how erections occur). This vasocongestion causes increased pressure which, in turn, causes the fluid within the blood serum to be pushed through the tissues of the vaginal wall… thus, the vagina becomes lubricated.

Vaginal fluid has other functions besides making it easier for a penis, finger, or sex toy to enter; it decreases pressure and reduces the amount of friction that occurs (potentially saving the vaginal walls from tearing), limits any pain that may be associated with intercourse (allowing for a more comfortable experience), while also changing the chemical nature of the vagina, causing it to become more alkaline and less acidic (making it more hospitable to sperm).

The amount of lubrication created varies from person to person, may be different one day from the next, and changes based on any number of factors.

On that note, the addition of a good lube, whether because a person needs or wants to, certainly isn’t anything to feel bad or embarrassed about. When everything is said and done, it’s a fantastic way of helping things along, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Causes of Vaginal Dryness

Contrary to what Ms. Rousey implied, vaginal dryness is not always caused by a partners lack of time spent engaging in foreplay. Instead, there are many other reasons lack of lubrication could be occurring, including but not limited to;

side effects from medication (many medications often impede sexual arousal, inhibiting the bodies ability to naturally lubricate)

usage of allergy or cold medications (often have a drying effect on the body causing reduced vaginal lubrication)

usage of hormonal birth control methods like the pill (causes a variety of shifts, spikes, and drops in hormones as well as changes in the Ph balance of the vagina)

menopause/perimenopause (lowered estrogen levels are often experienced during this time which affect lubrication)

health issues (diabetes, hypertension, polycystic ovarian syndrome, heart and kidney disorders, among others)

undergoing chemotherapy (dryness throughout the body is a common side effect)

skin irritations/allergic reactions (soaps, dyes, laundry detergents and dryer sheets, body washes, perfumes, etc. can have an irritating and drying effect on the skin/genitals which could affect natural lubrication)

pregnancy, having recently given birth, breastfeeding (shifts in estrogen/progesterone levels, possible lack of genital sensitivity requiring, tenderness due to childbirth, lowered estrogen during to lactation/breastfeeding can all have a negative impact on vaginal lubrication)

douching (disturbs the normal chemical balance of the vagina, often leading to irritation and vaginal dryness)

alcohol abuse/alcohol use (alcohol has a dehydrating affect on the body which could lead to vaginal dryness, it also acts as a depressant on the nervous system affecting sexual arousal and orgasm)

past traumatic experiences and negative emotions (guilt, stress, anxiety, fear, etc which cause a lack of arousal)

smoking cigarettes (cigarettes can affect circulation and destroy estrogen which can affect arousal and vaginal lubrication)

As you can clearly see, there are many reasons a person may not become lubricated enough for comfortable intercourse. To imply that it simply comes down to a lack of foreplay, without acknowledging other causes, is an uninformed thing to suggest. To then take it one level further and also state that a person should “never need lube in their life” is just ignorant, rude, and insensitive. Ronda, you can do better.

Dear Ronda Rousey, Just Say Yes To Lube!

Look, I get it, when a person reaches the point of popularity that Ronda Rousey has, the general public starts thinking that because they are experts on one thing (in her case, fighting), they must be experts on a variety of topics… and when they’re then made into sex symbols by the media, that usually comes with the added bonus that they’re assumed to be highly educated on all things sex. Before long they’re touting sex advice on widely read publications, and praised for it, even when the advice they’re offering could be detrimental to someones health, sense of self, or relationship.

Everything considered, I can’t help but sympathize with the readers who will take her words at face value, apply the suggestions she made, find they’ve had no difference (because she didn’t properly educate them), and feel bad about themselves, their partners, and the sex they’re having. Especially when all it might have taken is a bottle of good lube to help things along.

Like I said in the start of this post, I appreciate what she was trying to do with her answer, but I think she needs to take a step back, get some insight on how the body works and until she’s learned better, leave sex ed to those who know what they’re actually talking about.

Investing a bottle of good lube probably wouldn’t hurt her either. #dontknockittilyouvetriedit

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First Time Sex Tips For Females: Everything You Need To Know and More!

For The Beginner, Sex Ed 102

In the first post in my ‘first time sex’ series I touched on the basics including the decision about what type of contraception you’ll be using, getting products like lubricant to help make the experience more pleasurable, the motivation behind the choice to be sexually active, and making sure to have a person you can speak with, both before and after, who might be able to help and offer guidance should you need it.

The second post focused on all the tips, suggestions and information I thought most cis males would need to know, or at least want to know, to help make the experience an enjoyable one for both them and their partner(s).

For those of you jumping into the series, I highly suggest you go back and read the first article as it will set the tone and possibly give you the insight you need to decide if having sex is something you’re really ready for.

tip: even if you identify as being a cis female I suggest you read the post directed at cis males as it can help give you some valuable insight to what most go through and possibly even help you relay information to others.

As for this article, I’m going to be covering tips, suggestions and first time sex tips I think everyone with a vagina should know before engaging in sexual activity, hopefully making the experience the best it can be for everyone.

Safety First

As someone with a vagina, there are two types of protection you need to worry about; contraception (or protecting against an unplanned pregnancy) and STD/STI protection. While most think that anything you use offers the dual protection needed, it sadly isn’t the case. With this in mind, I’m going to offer some tips and suggestions to help you find and choose a method that works for you, while also offering some tips to help ensure its effectiveness.

Contraception

Choosing a method of contraception can be a rather daunting one, especially with all the options on the market. Now add that to the fact that some products like the diaphragm require a “fitting”, others like the pill require a prescription and others still require insertion/placement by a doctor (IUD) and you’ve got a handful of issues to deal with. Unfortunately the situation can often be overwhelming and scary, I know, I’ve been there.

The best suggestion I can give is to talk to someone you trust or do an online search (Scarleteen, Sexualityandu.ca and Sexetc have some great info) to find a method that you think would work for you. Once you’ve learned all that you can about the product(s), schedule a visit with your doctor or local hassle free clinic to speak about your options.

In most cases your doctor will go over all the dangers, possible side effects (if there are any) and benefits that you need to know before making a decision. While you can always change your mind and switch products should you decide to later, make sure to take the opportunity to ask any questions you may have before deciding as it’s the best way to avoid any delays in intimacy with your partner, something that’s often suggested when switching.

tip: if you’re switching from a product like the diaphragm to the pill it’s suggested that use another method of protection (like the condom or female condom) to allow the product to fully take effect. You’re doctor will be able to tell you how long you should expect to wait.

Ensure Effectiveness

Whether it’s the pill, diaphragm, female condom, IUD, shot (depovera), patch, sponge or male condom, putting the method into practice is of utmost importance. I say this because most don’t take the necessary steps to ensure proper application, an issue that plays a large role in the effectiveness and guarantee of positive results.

If you’re going to be using a product that’s meant to be inserted like the internal/female condom, diaphragm or sponge (others listed here) I suggest taking the time to practice getting it into place before you use it for intercourse. Doing so will likely help make the situation faster, easier, less confusing and definitely more comfortable. Let’s be real, there’s nothing worse then hearing your partner knock on the bathroom door and anxiously ask “are you okay in there?” while you’re fumbling to learn how to put in your diaphragm. #true story

If condoms are more your thing, it would be a good idea to practice applying them on a brush handle, banana, cucumber, or other phallic shaped object so that you’ll know how to do it right, and more importantly, know enough to notice if your partner is doing it wrong. If your partner is unsure about what condoms are best, I created a condom size chart which might prove helpful.

If you’re going to be using products like the pill or patch, which work by affecting your hormones, I suggest finding out how long it takes for them to be active and giving them the necessary time to set in. I also suggest you get in the habit of taking them everyday at the same time (in the case of the pill), a practice that will go a long way for ensuring effectiveness.

tip: because some antibiotics and medications can cancel out the pill, I suggest you talk to your doctor and ask any questions you may have to ensure that this doesn’t happen while you’re engaging in intercourse.

STD/STI Protection

Unfortunately condoms, the female condom and dental dam (the latter being something used for oral intimacy rather than intercourse) are the only products currently on the market offering dual protection against STD/STI’s and unplanned pregnancies. If you are going to be using a method of protection that is strictly for contraception (listed above) I highly suggest you also get in the practice of STD/STI protection, as it’s something that could very likely save your life, if not save you the headache of an unwanted STD/STI.

On that note, I don’t agree that males should be responsible for the condoms and females responsible for the contraception. In fact, I think it’s a very good idea for everyone to get into the habit of carrying condoms at all times, especially considering that you never know when the heat of the moment may strike. Better safe then sorry right?

Tips & Suggestions

Some of the most common worries I hear from females are that they’ll be “too loose”, “too tight”, that they might bleed, they don’t know what to do (“am I just supposed to lay there?”), that they’ll do it “wrong” and finally that it will hurt. If you can relate to any of the above, don’t worry, you’re not alone.

In an attempt to help, I’ve listed some tips/suggestions that I hope will build your level of confidence and give you some insight regarding what to expect your first time around.

Getting Ready

No matter if you’re female, male or transgendered, I highly suggest learning to masturbate before sexual activity. While this may seem like an attempt to keep you from having sex, nothing could be farther from the truth. To me, the act can play a vital role in preparing you for your first sexual experience; it’ll help you to learn about your likes and dislikes, get you in touch with your body, help you discover parts you didn’t know existed, and give you the upper hand when it comes to relaying everything you’ve learned to your partner. If there is one thing I can’t stress enough it’s that communication and preparation is key to a good sexual experience – especially for the first time, but I’ll get to that in a bit.

First Time Sex Tips For Girls: Everything You Need To Know And More!

Relax

I put this on the top of the list for the boys, though I think it’s probably one of the most important for everyone – as simple as it may sound, being relaxed is probably one of the best pieces of advice I can give. When you’re relaxed your heart rate is lower, stress levels decrease, your mind becomes still, you have a better chance of becoming aroused and any anxiety you may be feeling will drift away. Sure, it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal but maintaining a sense of calm will go a long way for helping to relax the vaginal muscles and make the experience a tad less painful.

My suggestion: When trying to stay relaxed you may think of the old standby techniques like breathing, maintaining a sense of calm and going with the flow will have the best effect, and to a certain extent, you’re right. However, I personally think being prepared in every aspect will make the biggest difference when it comes to the big day/night or otherwise. If you know how to use your chosen method of protection, what your likes and dislikes are, what type of stimulation both you and your partner prefer, what type of lube you’ll be using and have talked about all your fears or anxieties with someone you trust, that will go a long way for helping you stay calm in the heat of the moment as you’ll already know what to expect and not be caught off guard.

Loosen/Tighten Up

One of the most commonly asked questions (and biggest worries) I get from females is that they’ll be “too tight” or “too loose” for their first time. While it is an issue that’s often blown out of proportion and something most myths are made of, you can have a small degree of control over the way your vagina functions when it comes to being “loose” or “tight”.

The vagina is a pretty amazing thing; when aroused it has the ability to “tent” where the vaginal canal, usually only 3-4 inches deep, swells and pulls back, expanding to 5-7 inches, allowing a larger object to enter. It’s this “tenting” that will often create a “looser” feeling. For those of you that think it’s a bad thing, keep in mind that it usually only happens when a female is aroused, pointing to the fact that you’re likely doing something right. In regard to “tightening”, since the walls are lined with muscle, the vaginal canal has the ability to tense and contract (something you can learn to do) making it feel tighter around your partner’s member. If you’d like more information on myths and misconceptions associated with being “loose” or “tight”, I suggest you read this article on the subject.

My Suggestion: If your concern is that you’ll be “too tight”, I suggest purchasing a small dildo or vibrator (it doesn’t have to be expensive) to help you “loosen” up. While the process isn’t one that will leave lasting permanent results (meaning you won’t have a gaping hole after putting something in your vag) it will go a long way for helping you get used to the feeling of having something inside, as well as deriving pleasure from a foreign object. If your concern is that you’ll be “too loose”, I suggest learning to flex and contract your PC muscles, as that is what you’ll be using to “tighten” around your partner during intercourse.

tip: learning to tighten your PC muscles is actually very easy: the next time you urinate break the flow of your pee for intervals of 3 seconds at a time (i.e pee for 3 seconds, hold for 3 seconds etc). Pay attention to the way it feels and mimic that sensation any time you can. You can do it when in line at the bank, grocery shopping, watching t.v. or writing in your journal. The best thing about it, no one knows you’re doing it.

Painless Pleasure

Unfortunately there is no hard or fast rule, suggestion or advice to guarantee that the experience will be painless. Sure there are lots of things you can do to help, but the amount of pain you experience will depend on many factors; your level of relaxation, arousal, personal lubrication (or use of purchased lube), body compatibility (his penis is very large, your vagina is very “small”) and open communication being some of them.

My Suggestion: The advice I have to offer here is twofold;

1.) As I stated earlier, do your best to relax. Just like every other muscle in your body, when you’re tense, scared or afraid in the moment your vaginal muscles will likewise tense, possibly making insertion a little harder then previously thought. While relaxing is much easier said then done, little things like lighting candles, playing music, spending lots of time on foreplay and learning to trust your partner can go a long way to creating an environment where you feel safe, secure, able to let go and relax.

2.) One of the main issues I find people tend to overlook is the role being “wet” plays in great sex; if you’re not aroused enough your body most likely wont naturally provide the amount of personal lubricant needed to make insertion of the penis “easy”, if not easier. This is where the application of a good lube comes in. That said, I highly suggest you invest in a body safe lube that’s low in glycerin. It doesn’t have to be expensive and it doesn’t have to be silicone. In fact, a good water based lube like the ones System Jo (from $6.75) or Sliquid (from $8.48) make, will usually do. Apply a little to both you and your partner before intercourse to ensure there is less friction, i.e. pain.

Bleeding

There’s no other way I can put this then to say, some people will bleed and some wont. It doesn’t happen to everyone, and it doesn’t happen all the time. For some the blood may be a little heavy like a light period, for others it might be just a drop. Either way it’s “normal”, natural and nothing to be ashamed of. While we’re on the subject, for those that don’t know much about the hymen, I suggest you watch this video to give you a better understanding of why some people might bleed.

My Suggestion: Although I can’t offer any suggestions to stop you from bleeding, I can offer some that might help make the experience a little less mortifying. First, place a dark colored towel beneath you, not only will it possibly soak up the blood but it will also keep it from staining your sheets and mattress. Unless you’re in it, having sex in a bed you’ve just bled in can be slightly frightening for some first timers. Second, go slow. While this might not play a huge role in how much (or even if you do) bleed, it can go a long way for decreasing friction and/or tearing of the hymen, something that is most definitely a contributing factor. Finally, if it hurts don’t be afraid to tell your partner, you’re more than allowed. The same thing goes if it’s too fast, slow, deep, hard, soft, shallow, or otherwise – speak your mind and don’t shy away. This is something you will most likely remember for the rest of your life, take every step you can to make it a great one.

Being A Great Lover

Very often I’m sent messages from scared and nervous viewers, just about to embark on their first time, asking what it is they are supposed to do. Like the majority of advice I’ve given in this post, there’s no specific answer – the best I can give is to do whatever you need to do to make sure you enjoy it. In short, be selfish! Sure it may sound bad, but very often someone is left disappointed and orgasmless, wondering “is that what it’s all about?”.

My Suggestion: Whether it’s grinding your clit against your partners pubic bone (not penis), riding hard and rough or soft and gentle, playing with your clitoris while their inside you, using a toy to help speed along the orgasm, or simply trying different positions until you find one you like, do everything and anything you want. I mean that. Don’t be afraid or embarrassed by your actions. Your orgasm and enjoyment are your responsibility, not theirs.

Last but not least, be gentle with yourself. Don’t take it too seriously and remember it’s your first time, not you’re hundredth. Just like riding a bike, learning to roller blade or playing a sport, being “good in bed” is something that comes with time, experience, learning, being open to change and willing to explore your opportunities. It’s also something that’s going to change with each different partner, when it comes to sex, nothing is a surefire guarantee.

Final Thoughts

It’s safe to say that your first time will most likely be scary, overwhelming, nerve wracking, exciting, intense, thrilling, and memorable. And although I’d like to tell you otherwise, no matter how “perfect” you try to make it, I can almost guarantee something will go wrong. The more you expect that, the more able you’ll be in the moment to let it go, move on, and not let it effect things.

Will you’re first time be what you expected? not entirely, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a good time.

Will it be fantastic? Hopefully, though it seems first times rarely are.

Will it be something you always remember? I’d think so, which is why I suggest doing everything in your power to make it a good one.

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First Time Sex: Erection Issues

For The Beginner, For The Guys, Q & A, Sex Ed 102

Question :

Hi!

I’ve just recently found your videos and I’m hooked! You’re adorable and so fun to watch. But anyway, I was hoping you could help me out with a problem I’m having.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over 2 months now. And in those two months we’ve done pretty much everything but intercourse. Keep in mind we’re both virgins. Today we both decided to take the next step and have sex. Well that did not work out at all.

Penis erect, condom on, attempt to insert… and fail.
It just would not go in. And then… erection gone.

I knew I’d be tight so we even agreed that he would kind of prep me with one finger… then two. But even just two fingers is tight. He WAS having a problem keeping it up (not the norm for him) Maybe nerves? So it maybe could have been hard but not hard enough? Could the addition of lube helped at all?

Any advice would be great.

Thanks

Answer:

First of all thanks for watching my vids!!

As for the questions, what you went through is completely normal. I hear it all the time so dont be too worried.

For your part, the fingering was a very good idea and usually helps. It may have been that you were nervous and tensed up when he went to insert his penis, causing you to “tighten” up. It could also be that you werent “wet” enough for an “easy” insertion. For next time you may want to do what you did previously with the fingering, add some lube and try to relax. Dont let this be something that makes you nervous or scared, instead make it something that is enjoyable and exciting.

As for his part, he was probably very nervous about “failing” you. There seems to be a huge difference when it comes to males and females and sexually pleasing their partners. Women aren’t expected to do very much, or so it seems, however there is a lot of pressure placed on males to “perform” and have their partner orgasm. (By the way, if you don’t have an orgasm during intercourse it’s completely normal, that may just come in time) For him this was/is going to be a defining moment of his “manhood”, and there is a lot to go wrong.

He could go soft
He could orgasm too soon
He could go on for too long
He could be too big and it could hurt you
He could be too small and not enough to please you
He could get it in but then not know what to do with it
Not to mention the list of other fears/doubts/anxiety that go through a males head.

When it comes to sex, especially first time sex, there is so much to think about. The best advice I can give is to be supportive and let him know that it’s okay no matter what happens and that when it’s meant to happen it will. Let him know that if he goes soft it’s normal, especially for the first time, and that you don’t judge him for it.

Also in the future, if he does go soft you can always do other things to help him regain his erection like give him oral sex or manual stimulation (hand job). Or if he’s willing to wait it out, you can have him stimulate you until he is ready again.

If you’d like a better understanding of what’s going on, and possibly some products that might be helpful, I suggest giving these articles a read:

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