I started October with a post about the insanely bizarre (and totally badass!) Fleshlight Freaks, followed up with a review of the Miss Diagnosed Nurse Costume, and now, to launch us into the month known by die hard Twilight fans as ‘the one where Breaking Dawn came out’, I’ll be keeping with the theme by offering this review of the vampire mouthed Fleshlights; Count Cockula and Succu Dry.
Of course I totally understand that these wont appeal to everyone, in fact, I’m pretty sure they’ll appeal to very few of you. However, being that they’re made by one of my favourite companies, and feature one of my all time favourite undead ‘monsters’ I just couldn’t resist.
*For those of you interested, in the coming days I’ll be holding a giveaway that includes 1 Succu Dry, 1 Tantus Vamp Dildo, 1 Fleshlight Drac dildo and a bunch of other goodies to coincide with the November 18 release date of the film Breaking Dawn (you know, the one with the mopey girl who falls in love with a vampire, but can’t be with said vampire because he’s a vampire, yet still loves said vampire even though he can’t keep her warm at night, so she falls for a werewolf who can keep her warm but probably also smells like a wet dog once he’s been out in the rain. Vampire and girl have sex. Werewolf looses his shit, epic battle between vampires and werewolves ensue, yadda, yadda, yadda…yeah, that one. Want a more simplistic view of of the movie – check The Oatmeal, How Twilight Works)
*Totally proud of myself for finding a way to work The Oatmeal into a post about sex toys and vampires!! <- nod to Tosh 2.0 on that one.
Just like the majority of Sex In A Can products the packaging is pretty stellar, and while the vampire versions may not be the most discreet, they’re definitely one a kind and branded exactly as I’d expect with red, black and white coloring, cheesy yet hilarious descriptions and graphic designs that are some of the best you’ll find on a male masturbator.
*They got the amazing designer Hydro74 to do the artwork, no wonder they’re so badass!
Each of the fake cans has quite a bit of weight to it (coming in at around a pound) and like a regular beer or pop can, has a flip tab lid (because the tab is part of the case it can’t be opened). The outer casing is made of solid plastic in a silverish tone with a matte finish that’s rather basic, I can only assume they were going for the ‘undead’ gray tone with that. Due to the writing and imagery I’m pretty sure they’re not something someone would immediately identify as as “sex toy”. However, if they pick it up and open it, you can bet your sweet ass they’ll ask what it is. You’ve been warned.
The ‘straight’ version – Succu Dry – features a graphic design of slightly pissed looking female vamp on the front, red and white tribal design around the top of the can, a ‘warning’ on one side and product description on the other. In true Fleshlight fashion, both are cheekily written:
“Government Warning: (1) Guidelines for sex with vampires, the Nosferatu, Succubi, or other undead have not been established, but the rumors are gushing! (2) Should bleeding from the canine incisions in the neck occur in combinations of feelings of ecstasy, uncontrolled ejaculation, and submission, path with garlic to prevent excess fedding and seek consecrated ground before calling 911. Or just enjoy!“”
“Feed The Need – Take a walk on the dark side and get familiar with this pale brew. But be careful! Though this may feel like love at first bite, make sure you have your wood poised to penetrate before you get completely drained! Enjoy to excess to ensure encounters with Succu Dry are A-Positive experience.”
The ‘gay’ version – Count Cockula – features the lower half of a male vampires face, complete with baring teeth and a trickle of blood on the lips. Splashed across the front in bright metallic red is the word “Cockula”, with the top of the letter “k” shaped like an erect penis (clever little so and so’s aren’t they!). Unlike the Succu Dry can which had a tribal design around the top, there’s a solid black band with the word “Fleshjack” in white print that’s bordered by two thin red wisp designs. One side of the can has a ‘Government Warning’ and on the other, a similarly cheeky product description:
“Government Warning: May cause full body convulsions and light-headedness. May also give your cock life after death. Call your doctor if erections last longer than four thousand years. To end erections cause by Count Cock-ula Soda, just kiss a guy with garlic breath. That always kills our vampire erections.”
“Soda with Bite! Teeth are usually the last thing you want when getting sucked off. But with Count Cock-ula, the fear of being bitten is all the fun. So get ready to polish up your stake and drive it into this soft, vampire mouth for an orgasm that will wake the dead.”
As I’ve said in nearly every Fleshlight review, I can’t help but be impressed. Sure the vampire versions may be out of the ordinary (read ‘bizarre’, ‘freaky’, ‘kinky’) but that’s just part of their charm. I mean really, how many other vampire blow job devices are there? I’m betting on less than 5, possibly less than 3 – including these 2 – which only leaves the possibility of one more, which I’m going to assume would be a far crappier version – and that’s even if it exists to begin with.
When it comes to material, the fanged and crooked toothed mouth is crafted out of the same soft and pliable Real Feel Super Skin® all major Fleshlight products are made from, offering a high-quality texture that’s specially designed to replicate the sensation of penetrative sex. Fortunately the entire sleeve (read ‘mouth’) is made this way, eliminating the painful experience real fangs and teeth might provide.
Both also adjust to body temperature rather quickly, retaining heat very well. If you’d like to alter the sensation from the start, simply place them in warm water until they reach the desired temperature then remove for use ( just remember DO NOT boil or microwave it them – you WILL ruin them!)
In regard to the stats you’re looking at 7 3/4″ total length (all useable), a total circumference of 9 1/4′ (the can), an entrance that will comfortably fit up to an inch girth and a total width of 2/34 inches. Taking those figures into consideration, I do want to make it clear that while it may seem fairly accommodating, because the sleeve has extra material all the way around to help it fill up the can and stay in place, it can be rather tight. Some might like it, some might not, either way I figured it was worth mentioning.
For the most part its exceptionally easy to use, just unscrew the cap, pour some lube down the interior, think dirty thoughts about vampires and go to it! If you’re looking for a better suction, or to experiment with the sensations simply unscrew the bottom cap until the desired effect is achieved.
Since I can’t use the products myself I had to hand them off to folks who’s honest opinions I trust, this is what they had to say…
*names have been removed to protect my testers privacy, each was given one can to sample, a Succu Dry or Count Cockula respectively.
Count Cockula Tester – “I really don’t know what to say about this. On the one hand it’s a pretty cool concept. On the other, the thought of ramming my man bits in a vampires mouth is kinda scary. Yes I know it’s fake, but still…”
Succu Dry Tester – “Okay, this is kind of freaky looking. So long as I get to pretend it’s that hot chick from Underworld I’ll do it!”
Count Cockula Tester– “Well, I can honestly say that was interesting. It was a little uncomfortable at first (he didn’t use lube) but then it got way better (after he added lube). The internal fang things felt really bizarre, they didn’t hurt, but I couldn’t stroke as hard as I usually would and when I adjusted the suction, if you can call it that, it basically super sucked to my dick. It didn’t hurt, just scared me because I thought it was stuck and I’d have to go to the hospital with this weird vampire thing balls deep on me. Once I figured out how to use it properly it let go and I got the chance to fiddle with the different suctions. The texture was really soft and completely different then what I thought it would be which made experimenting with different ways of using it really easy.”
Succu Dry Tester – “Wow. Okay, I can honestly say I’m impressed. I didn’t really know what to expect, actually that’s a lie, I was terrified it would rip my dick off! Surprisingly, it felt really good! The nubbed fangs inside were a little rough though, they almost felt like they were gripping my foreskin. Then again, it’s supposed to be a vampires mouth so I assume they did that on purpose. The only thing I had issues with was getting my dick inside when I first started, it was a pretty tight fit so it was a little uncomfortable, but after I added a lot of lube I was fine. I liked how soft and squishy it was, probably a good thing since it made it far less intimidating that way.”
Count Cockula Tester – “Would I recommend this to others? Sure, but only if they had some kind of vampire fetish, otherwise I’d just suggest the regular Sex In A Can things, they’re a little less scary and are a lot more discreet”
Succu Dry Tester – “If I had to suggest one of the Fleshlight products I don’t know if it would be this one. Sure it’s fun and all, but I don’t know how people would react if I said something like ‘hey, you should get a fake vampire fleshy thing to suck your dick’, you know what I mean? I’d probably suggest the bigger one (he meant the larger Fleshlight not a Sex In A Can), it’s a lot more comfortable, has more room to work with and doesn’t have fangs”
When it comes to possible dislikes with the product there are sadly a few to consider;
1.) Since the cases are rather thick and not quite as long as the original Fleshlights (which are much longer and wider), they tend to offer a much tighter and shorter fit. For some of you this might be a good thing, for others an uncomfortable annoyance. The best advice I can give is to measure yourself when erect, then make a decision based on your size. Also, keep in mind that you can remove the sleeve from the case and use it that way – some prefer this method as it gives more control over the grip/sensation.
2.) Because the cans are smaller it’s also a little harder to vary the level of suction you’re going to experience. I’ve been told that it’s almost as if you get a powerful one or none at all. Since I don’t have a penis I can’t really offer my opinion, guess you’ll just have to try for yourself (go on, you know you want to!).
3.) This one is strictly coming from those that I’ve talked to who have used the product (6 people in total); because this model has an interior texture of little nubs that resemble fangs, it has the potential to be a slightly uncomfortable experience, one that doesn’t allow for heavy or rough thrusting. If you like a firm grip and being rough these might not be the ones for you.
4.) No matter how I angled myself, how close or far away I looked, or how much I wanted to see some major differences in the mouths I just couldn’t. It seems as though they’ve taken the same sleeve and just popped it into two very different cases. Not that I’m really complaining. After all, it’s the fangs (not the lips) that count with these versions. For those of you that do care about the lips, you may want to consider the versions taken from the molds of different porn stars instead (Female Fleshlight Porn Stars, Male Fleshlight Porn Stars).
*View both versions of the vampire mouths to the left and tell me what the major difference is. There’s none. Case closed.
Care & Cleaning
When it comes to lubes I would only suggest a good water based one as a silicone or oil based product will ruin it. Trust me on this!
To clean it simply remove the insert from the case and rinse it very well with lukewarm water; the product is porous so you will want to make sure there is no “residue” (read semen, lube etc) left behind. Once it’s clean either let it air dry or pat it with a lint free cloth (NEVER rub it or you will ruin the texture and appearance). Once it’s dry shake some corn starch or Renewing Powder and pat it gently; this will help to keep it soft and supple, rather then allow it to get sticky or tacky with use.
*If you do notice that it’s gotten gummy, sticky or tacky don’t worry, it’s not defective and don’t use soap or harsh chemicals to try to clean it. If it’s really bad you can try using isopropyl alcohol – again, be gentle. The material tends to do that over time (as do most other UR3, Cyberskin and similar materials).
When it comes to wonderfully bizarre and kinky sexual wellness products, these are high on my list. Sure, there are others that also offer an intensely unique experience (Bad Dragon takes the cake for that!), but because of the designs used they’re unfortunately little less ‘mainstream’ and far more ‘shock and awe’ inspiring (vampire mouth or 14 inch Dragon dong? You decide).
In my opinion, Fleshlight has managed to jump that hurdle by creating something that’s a little twisted, but very popular with a larger group of people and therefor much more accepted as a viable option when seeking sexual satisfaction w/ the undead (with the amount of sexy vampire characters on TV and in the movies how could it not be?). So, if you’re looking for a well made product that fulfills your vampire fantasys and potentially allows you to explore in ways you never dreamed imaginable, I’d highly suggest checking out the Succu Dry or Count Cockula male masturbators. Who knows, that bite just might surprise you.
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