Contrary to what most movies depict, first times are rarely what we expect.
There aren’t rose petals or candles casting a glow. There’s no moment of tender, all encompassing bliss or the crooning voice of our favorite music artist in the background. Rather than a bed, many first timers find themselves in the back of a car, couch, or even in a park, as the thought of holding out for a time when the parents are out is just too bothersome, or too long of a wait.
On top of that (and based on the messages I’ve received) the majority of writers found their “first time” to be clumsy, anxiety ridden, overwhelming, scary, ill planned, uncomfortable and confusing (or any mix of the above), even when it was a good one.
It’s because of this that I thought I’d write a series of posts on the subject of first times, all with the hope that I’d be able to transform what was once a scary and overwhelming experience, to one that’s a bit better planned, a little more fun, definitely more comfortable and a lot more enjoyable.
Unlike a lot of my other written articles that are completed in one go, my first time sex tips have been split into 3 separate entries:
Sex: Getting Ready For Your First Time
When it comes to having sex the first time there are a few things I highly suggest you take into consideration before deciding to act on the impulse;
What’s Your Motivation?
1.) The first thing you might want to think about is the personal motivation you have behind your choice in actions. While I’m not here to judge, I am here to remind you that intercourse, intimacy, and any form of sexual relations can and do often have emotional, mental, physical and spiritual after effects. For some the after effects will be wonderful, comfortable, confidence boosting and/or blissful, for others it may be a period of guilt, regret, disappointment or anger (all of which are “normal”).
That said, if the reasoning behind losing your “virginity” is one that’s due to peer pressure, societal factors or doing it “for the sake of it”, I suggest you take a moment to rethink your motivation and make sure it’s something you can live with after. Like I said, I’m not here to judge, I just don’t want you doing something you’ll live to regret or beat yourself up for.
*For hetero sex, what type of Contraception/STD protection will you be using?
*For same sex relations what type of STD protection will you be using?
On that note, while I understand where people are coming from with the belief that the female should have to deal with the pill (or other methods) and the male should be the one responsible for getting the condoms, I’m not someone who shares that belief.
In my opinion, each one of us owes it to ourselves to take responsibility for our bodies and our own personal well being. If you want to stay STD free and you want to avoid the chances of an unplanned pregnancy, come prepared.
For the ladies that means getting your hands on condoms, should that be your choice of protection (or even just your back up). For males that means discussing all of the options open to the female (if it’s hetero sex) and if you’re in a relationship, making sure she’s taking them on time or applying them as directed.
I’m sure most of you would think this is common sense but all too often I hear about “scares” that happened all because someone relied on someone else, only to realize after, that they were the person who should have taken responsibility of things for themselves. Don’t leave your safety in someone’s hands, 7 times out of 10 they’ll fail you.
3.) Since the #1 complaint I hear regarding condoms is that they ‘spoil the mood‘ I think it’s very important to practice putting them on properly (and taking them off properly) as it’ll help to make the moment move a lot smoother and quicker.
When it comes to practicing I think the best advice is to go with the flow; if you masturbate use that time to practice putting on a condom, masturbate with it on (which will get you used to the sensation) and then take it off following the directions on the box (using toys to experiment with while you wear a condom is also a good idea).
While it might be a bit of a pain in the ass, and maybe a mood kill, when it comes to the actual moment all the planning and prepping will go a long way in saving you from embarrassment or potentially doing it wrong.
4.) For those that choose to use a diaphragm, female condom or any other barrier method of protection I also suggest you take the necessary time, before being sexually active, to learn and practice putting the product in place, as well as safely removing it.
If you choose to use a hormonal method of protection, I suggest you speak with your doctor about how long it takes to become fully effective since the time on them varies. The last thing you need is to start taking a product and become sexually active because you think you’re protected, only to realize you weren’t.
5.) I realize that for a lot of people the topic of sex and sexuality are still touchy subjects, even with that in mind I think it’s important to have someone to talk to after. Whether it’s a friend you trust, a teacher, parent, doctor, guardian, mentor, coach or other relative, having a person who’s willing to listen and help can make a world of difference – especially if something goes wrong or you’re dealing with negative emotions like guilt.
6.) Finally, if you’ve had unprotected sexual interactions with another person, whether it be oral, anal or otherwise I suggest you get tested for STI’s/STD’s just to be on the safe side. While the majority of them require the transmission of bodily fluids to be transferred, it doesn’t mean that there aren’t others that need skin to skin contact to cause an
I realize that for most of you the thought of going to get STD tested can raise a mountain of fears and anxiety, making the suggestion easier said then done. That said, if there is one thing I want to make very clear it’s that the process it self is very easy; all you need to do is to visit a local STD testing lab, hassle free clinic, or talk to your doctor. If you’re in a real hurry sometimes you can even call ahead for setting up an appointment the same day.
In most cases testing sites are conveniently located throughout the country and are staffed by caring and highly trained individuals. While you’re there they will perform the tests as well as answer any questions you may have about your risk, possible diagnoses, or the testing process. Then, within three days (sometimes shorter, sometimes longer) you’ll be able to get the results of your STD test. These results are most often delivered by a counselor who can assist you in dealing with emotional and practical considerations if a test comes back positive.
For those of you that just can’t bring yourself to visit a clinic or talk to a doctor there are other options available like online sites that send out STD Testing Kits allowing you to do the test in the comfort of your own home. Once you receive the test kit, follow the simple instructions then mail it back to the lab and you can receive your results online within 1-3 business days. After that you have the option of calling and setting up an appointment to speak with someone should you need to, or you can go to your own doctor and speak with him or her instead.
Sex can be a wonderful experience that allows us to bond, explore, ignite and surrender to a person in ways nothing else can. It can also be the cause of heartache, regret, disappointment and life altering choices that leave us questioning why we did it in the first place.
For those of you that are just happening to come to this stage of exploration, whether it be by yourself or with a partner, I hope this series of blogs can help you shape and create your moments to be closer to the former, rather then that latter.
If you have any questions or concerns please feel free to go through Sex Ed 102 videos or the Sex Ed 102 website first, as more often then not your answer will be found there. Still feeling lost? No worries, head over to my contact page and send in your question. If it’s one I get often enough – or one that I think would really benefit others – I just might include it in my Sex Ed 102 Q & A (don’t worry, I never identify who sent the question in).
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