One of the things I’ve always prided myself on is being handy when it comes to DIY projects, building stuff, and general run of the mill home renovations. I can put up perfectly level shelving in a blink of an eye, saw the shit out of wood like it’s no ones business and put together IKEA furniture almost effortlessly (I said almost), but it seems that using good ol’ power tools is where I excel; give me an electric drill, heat gun or circular saw and I’m in heaven…
So when I saw the Rock Box, a newish “vibe” toted as an “Incredibly Powerful Orgasm Machine“, I figured two of my fave things, sex toys and power tools, had finally meshed to create the most badass invention ever. Boy was I wrong. A shit tonne wrong. Mournfully wrong.
And it sucks so much it hurts.
Although the packaging of the thick cardboard box is sleek, professional and heavy duty, it seems there was minimal attention paid to maintaining an air of discretion; located on each upper right corner are the words “Incredibly Powerful Orgasm Machine” splayed in a font that’s hard for anyone to miss.
As if that wasn’t overkill, located on the back in large bolded black type are the words “Orgasmic Engineering For Men And Women“. While I understand that this may have been used to deter anyone from thinking it was an actual power tool, rather than a sex toy cleverly disguised as such, I can’t help but think it’s also a tad obnoxious. In total the word ‘orgasm’ was used 7 times, leaving me to ponder, is that really necessary?
No, no it is not.
Especially since the majority of people would be looking for it specifically, and most likely shopping on an adult website, not Home Hardware or Home Depot for crying out loud.
Even with all of that, what perplexed me most was the inclusion of the descriptions “She’s a punk rocker” and “He’s a punk rocker too!” – I get it, it’s called “Rock Box” and therefore someone felt the need to run with the theme. But to me, this just comes off as tacky and cheesy, not catchy or highbrow. Bonus points for trying though.
Before I go into all of the reasons the Rock Box will likely end up sitting tucked away in a corner collecting dust, I figure it’s a good idea to list the few redeeming qualities it has, because for as unimpressed as I was, there were some:
- It’s powerful. Really powerful. We’re talking 5,000 rpm’s here… which is fucking insane! Yes, it’s the same as the highest setting on the Hitachi Magic Wand, but the design makes it feel much stronger than that. Almost to the point of being overwhelming. Of course it’s not quite as strong as the Fairy Mini Wand (which comes in at a whopping 11,000 rpms), but it’s more than sufficient to get the job done… if you don’t go numb first.
- There’s attachments for both ‘girls’ and ‘guys’, making it doubly useful. Whether both will use it remains to be seen, but at least they didn’t just target it to one market.
- I’d say it’s discreet. No one in their right mind would think it’s meant for masturbation, though I’m sure they’d have a bunch of questions if they ever did come across it.
- With only one button and a dial located on the ‘ergonomic’ handle, it’s very easy to operate. Well, for the most part anyways.
- Measuring 20 ft in length, it’s got the longest power cord on a “massager” I have ever seen. Okay, I’ll admit I’m reaching for positives here, but for those with minimal outlets it’ll definitely come in handy.
As stated above, getting the Rock Box going is surprisingly simple… however putting it all together, that’s another story.
For Those With A Vulva: Take the ‘female’ attachment (the pink tongue like thing), pinch the clips at the end and slide it into the ‘vibration plate’, once it clicks it’s in place. Plug the lead into the plug socket located opposite the handle and plug it into the wall outlet. Start with the dial on 1 (trust me on this) and press the square button located on the underside of the handle, by now you should be experiencing the thumping rumble that is the Rock Box. To adjust the speed just turn the dial up/down, or for those that like a bit more control, press the button on and off for a pulsing experience. To turn it off just press the button. To remove the attachment pinch the clip at the end and slide it out of place (it’s advised that the product be unplugged when you do this). Easy peasy.
For Those With A Penis: Basically follow the same steps as above, but use the flat attachment.
Being that this isn’t your ‘typical’ masturbation device there are a few things you’ll want to keep in mind… don’t let the ‘male’ adapter vibrate on your testicles, it’s not meant to be used internally. Like a candle never leave it going unattended or covered with anything. And since it’s powered by an electrical outlet, it can’t be used in the water. Actually, don’t get any of it wet, ever. Sorry, just following what the instructions say.
As for using it, while the instructions suggest placing it so that the flat section rests on the clitoris and the tip hugs the curve of the vulva (pointing toward your vagina), it worked best for me when the tip was instead used for direct clitoral stimulation. Feel free to toy with it and see what does it for you. Regarding the male experience, I offered it to 3 close male friends and my partner, all in the name of science of course, to which they each scoffed and quickly declined. It seems there ain’t no man I know that wants a potential thumping power tool on his dick. Fair enough, I can’t say I blame them.
Oh My God! Where the fuck do I begin?!
It’s big, it’s bulky, and it’s so heavy it’s annoying. Seriously. Measuring just over 7.5″ inches from side to side, around 6.5″ inches from top to bottom, and bearing a weight of ‘Jesus-Christ-I-can’t-focus-on-my-orgasm-because-I’m-having-sex-with-a-kids-bowling-ball‘, this thing is nothing to laugh at, and in all honesty, makes the ‘ergonomic’ element almost non existent.
Let’s just say I dropped one of the attachments on the floor and it looked like this after (<—). Gross. And for the record, I’m a clean freak, so seeing this made me shudder. Maybe I should start using sex toys to clean. They clearly do a much better job at picking up pet hair than my vacuum does.
If you follow my reviews you should know by now that I veer on the side of caution, avoiding most rubber or jelly toys when I can. Unfortunately I was mislead and believed the attachments were made of Silicone. They are not. They’re made of TPR, and while it’s better than a basic jelly product (because it’s phthalate and latex free), it is porous and will retain lube, bodily fluids and bacteria. Make sure to clean it well, otherwise, ick!
Although the power is a definite selling point, it’s also a force to be reckoned with. Once the vibration is combined with the weight there is no way you can use it with just one hand… instead you’ll likely find yourself holding onto both sides for dear life or using your thighs like a vice grip to clamp it in place.
Maybe it’s just me, but with the amount of women who are unable to reach climax on their own, the added stress using the Rock Box creates is just too much. Sex toys should not be this challenging.
The folks at the company call them ‘vibrations’, I call them rumblings from the deepest, darkest pits of hell. I’ll admit, I’m the type that loves intense, penetrating, rumbly sensations, but the Rock Box is in a league of it’s own. Having said that, the first 3 settings aren’t bad… and the 4th really doesn’t feel that different from the 3rd, but once you jump to the 5th things get out of control. *The 6th, don’t even. That shit’s just scary. It’s like an angry rabid bunny decided your vag needed to get beaten the fuck up and the only way to do so would be to relentlessly thump at your lady bits with its hind quarters as fast and hard as it can. Picture it, yeah, my point exactly.
Even though the button and dial are relatively easy to reach, once the thing gets going
and you’re thigh mastering like your life depended on it, that feature goes out the window pretty quickly. Especially since your main challenge will now be trying to keep your arm/legs/genitals from shaking out of control or going numb.
Sure, they’re easy to manipulate, but I can’t help but think that the little pinchable clips jutting out at the end of the attachments might suffer from some form of debacle (should it be dropped, clumsily stepped on, or handled a little too roughly) and end up broken, in which case you’d be royally screwed.
One of the things I love about my Hitachi Magic Wand, and pretty much any other hand held massager for that matter, is the fact that it plugs into an outlet allowing me the opportunity to use it for as long as I need without fear of the batteries dying mid orgasm. Knowing the Rock Box was powered by the same source I assumed it would be a benefit… nope, not at all.
Rather than providing the necessary and continued stimulation what you get is a wobbly cord that keeps detaching once the dial goes beyond 3. Awkward and unsatisfying just aren’t the words.
Because of the size of the fan, which is beyond obnoxiously large, the damn thing never sits upright, instead toppling over to one side any time you put it down. All in all, this design makes resting it on your body for hands free action almost impossible. It was a stupid idea and I hate it. There I said it. God I feel better.
Finally, IT’S LOUD. I mean really loud. Lawnmower loud. Distractingly loud…. to the point of being downright awful. Yes, most hand held wands are noisy, but they’re not even close by comparison. It’s so bad that at one point my partner thought I was using the drill to put up shelves. You can imagine his surprise when he walked in and saw me furiously trying to reach an orgams with what appeared to be some form of power tool.
Ah, the life I live, it’s magical.
Care & Cleaning
Since you can’t get any of it wet the only option you have is to wipe it down with a slightly damp cloth or toy wipe. As for the attachments you can do the same, just make sure they’re totally dry before reinserting them.
When it comes to lube, though I don’t know if you’d really need any, I’d suggest a good water based one.
Clearly the Rock Box has some issues to work out before it can become a coveted product adored by the masses, but like many others that came before, I’m sure there are quite a few people who will benefit from its use. Was I one of them? No, not really, and to be honest, I wouldn’t buy it knowing everything I do now.
The orgasms it delivered, while intense, were something I had to work for, struggle with attaining, and on more than one occasion, bow out of due to the overwhelming urge to pitch it out a window. Yes, my feelings for the Rock Box were just that extreme.
Having just been through hell and back, here’s my suggestion… if you like really intense sensations, have nerve endings that are dulled leaving you in need of something strong, enjoy torturing yourself (or others) in a sexual way by letting rabid bunnies bash your junk, or simply want to try every niche pleasure object created (shit, I do!), then the Rock Box just might be for you. Otherwise, opt for a Sybian, which actually does work, and/or consider yourself forewarned.
For more info or to get a Rock Box of your own make sure to head on over to Vibrators.com, and while you’re there, make sure to check out their sex toy sale page for some great deals on a bunch of much better sex toys. You even get free shipping!
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