Sex Ed 102 Q&A: Peer Pressure/Talking Dirty

Question:

I recently starting “talking dirty” with my boyfriend of 3 months because he kept asking me to. At first I thought it was fun and it even turned me on, I liked doing it, but now he’s saying things that make me feel like what I’m doing is bad or wrong. He keeps saying that I’m “making” him do things he doesn’t want to and that it’s my fault because he can’t help himself. I thought he was kidding, but then he tried to use it against me and say that “since we went that far, having sex is the next step“. I’m not sure I’m ready but he’s making me feel guilty! What should I do? Is it really all my fault? Should I have sex with him?

Please help if you can

Guilty as Sin

Answer:

Dear Guilty as Sin,

Whether over the phone or online “talking dirty” is a fantastic way for a couple to interact sexually without actually having sex before their ready. Not only can it be a wonderful way of learning what your partners likes or dislikes are, what they are comfortable with and how far they are willing to go, but it also is great for or exploring their own sexual chemistry without placing themselves in a state of danger due to the risks of STD’s or an unwanted pregnancy.

That said, you shouldn’t feel guilty or ashamed of anything you’ve done. You chose to speak the way you did because you were curious about it and felt comfortable enough with him to explore that part of yourself. You’re allowed that.

As for the comment that you “made him” jerk off, I just want to clear one thing up…no you didn’t. He masturbated because he CHOOSE to ~ you weren’t there and therefor weren’t able to put his hands on himself, you didn’t make him move them the way he likes, and you certainly didn’t control whether or not he had an orgasm. He choose all of those actions and for him to say you “made him” do it is very incorrect. From the sounds of it he’s looking to place the blame on someone else so he doesn’t have to feel it anymore.

At any given time he could have changed the subject or stopped himself, but he didn’t (emphasis on HE), and that was his choice. He has no right to use it against you or in an attempt to make you feel guilty. What he is doing is maipulative, cruel, vindictive, disrespectful and you don’t deserve that kind of treatment.

That said, being that you were “dirty talking” you did have some influence over the words you chose fully knowing how they would affect him. I’m going to also assume that you liked what you said got a rise out of him, and it may have been something you were intending. In spite of your possible intentions, I want for you to know that his behavior after the fact and during are not your responsibility; we each have a choice in how we behave and how we handle situations. In my opinion he is handling this one very poorly and that’s something you need to discuss with him.

In regard to whether or not you should have sex with him that’s for you to decide, but I do want to point out that sex should be something that we share with our partner out of love, respect, friendship, passion, comfort, understanding, or any of the other positive reasons that people choose to connect… not because of guilt or manipulation.

In my honest opinion, so long as he is making you feel guilty, it’s not a good enough reason to ‘put out’. You deserve better then that.

Hopefully that helps

Kara_Sutra

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