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Redefining Virginity

For The Beginner, Health & Wellness, Sexuality

Over the course of the last 2 years I have spent much time debating whether or not to make this video. The reason for the debate was that ones “virginity” and the term itself, are hard to define in today’s society. As such, I thought that I would instead make a video that opened the doors of communication to help you define for yourself what being a Virgin, and Virginity are.

The word/term “Virgin” as defined by;

The Free Dictionary

1. A person who has not experienced sexual intercourse.
2. A chaste or unmarried woman; a maiden.
3. An unmarried woman who has taken religious vows of chastity.

Random House Dictionary

1. a person who has never had sexual intercourse.
2. an unmarried girl or woman.
3. Ecclesiastical. an unmarried, religious woman, esp. a saint.

Online Etymology Dictionary

c.1200, “unmarried or chaste woman noted for religious piety and having a position of reverence in the Church,” from O.Fr. virgine, from L. virginem (nom. virgo) “maiden, unwedded girl or woman,” also an adj., “fresh, unused,” probably related to virga “young shoot.” For sense evolution, cf. Gk. talis “a marriageable girl,” cognate with L. talea “rod, stick, bar.” Meaning “young woman in a state of inviolate chastity” is recorded from c.1310. Also applied since c.1330 to a chaste man. Meaning “naive or inexperienced person” is attested from 1953. The adj. is recorded from 1560 in the lit. sense; fig. sense of “pure, untainted” is attested from c.1300.

Wikipedia

Virginity refers to the state of a person who has never engaged in sexual intercourse. There are cultural and religious traditions which place special value and significance on this state, especially in the case of unmarried females, associated with notions of personal purity, honor and worth. Like chastity, the concept of virginity has traditionally involved sexual abstinence before marriage, and then to engage in sexual acts only with the marriage partner.

Unlike the term premarital sex, which can refer to more than one occasion of sexual activity and can be judgment neutral, the concept of virginity usually involves moral or religious issues and can have consequences in terms of social status and in interpersonal relationships.

The term originally only referred to sexually inexperienced women, but has evolved to encompass a range of definitions, as found in traditional, modern, and ethical concepts.^[1]^[2]^[3]^[4] Heterosexual individuals may or may not consider loss of virginity to occur only through penile-vaginal penetration,^[1]^[3]^[4] while people of other sexual orientations may include oral sex, anal sex or mutual masturbation in their definitions of losing one’s virginity.^[3]^[5]^[6] Further, whether a person can lose his or her virginity through rape is also subject to debate, with the belief that virginity can only be lost through consensual sex being prevalent in some studies.^[2]

Feel free to comment on what you believe the terms mean, and how they apply to you or society. Please also feel free to throw in any information that I did not mention in regard to the term or words presented and how they may have changed over time.

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Sex Ed 102 Q&A: Is My Boyfriend Gay?

Q & A, Sexuality

Question:

First I just want to say that I love your YouTube videos, they are so informational.

I would appreciate if you could help me with a dilemma. I recently saw a picture of my boyfriend on a website that I would consider to be a gay site. It’s primarily for people who are attracted to transsexual people. Most of the people on the site are pre-op which means they still have dicks, which makes me even more concerned. I have absolutely no idea if he has ever been with someone like this or if this is just a fantasy but even if it is just a fantasy, I’m concerned.

I don’t know how to bring this to his attention but I know I need to because I’m worried and he could be putting me in danger of getting something. How do I let him know or ask him if he is living a double life or is on the downlow? We’ve been together for 3 1/2 years and it would hurt my heart to know that he is like this. He has never shown signs of being interested in men in any way. As a matter of fact he always talks and acts as if he’s damn near homophobic. I appreciate your help!

Answer:

First off thanks for watching and supporting what I do!

As for the question…I too have been there.

When I was in high school I was in a relationship with someone that I loved very much. We were very close, not only lovers but best friends, we were together all the time and thought one day we would get married…typical high school sweethearts.

One day I found his journal and read it (which I know was wrong of me) and in doing so found a phone number and beneath it a males name and a code. Out of curiousity and trusting my instincts, I called it. The number was for a chat line called “Manline“, where males can talk with other males (I’m sure you know what I’m getting at). I was shocked, sad, angry, hurt and disappointed. You name it, I felt it.

So after a few days of tormenting myself I confronted him. He denied it. I asked him again and told him that I already knew what was going on so he better be honest. He still denied it, not only that but got very angry with me for invading his personal space and privacy. Looking back, and knowing him as well as I did, I can completely understand why he’d be upset. And in truth, it wasn’t so much that he was interested in men that hurt, it was that he had lied to my face without a thought towards my feelings.

I made a decision based on the information I had to end the relationship. I didn’t want to chance “catching” something nor did I want to be lied to. I also wasn’t sure if I could trust him again, if he was able to lie once, what was to say that he couldn’t/wouldn’t do it again. It broke my heart, but I felt it was in my own best interest.

Of course my situation isn’t your situation, so what I have to offer is this; before you make up your mind make certain it is him and not someone that looks like him, sounds like him or writes like him. How you do that is your choice, but I do think it’s important. If you’ve done your research and are sure it’s him, bring it up with him in a gentle and respectful way (I find asking rather than confronting can make a big difference in how people react). Let him know that you are not judging, but that you need to know for your own safety and security. I’d also suggest taking some time to figure out if he’s someone that you want to continue having in your life if it is true – just because he may be attracted to men or transexuals doesn’t men he’s a bad person or that he’s not the same person you once loved.

Be prepared for him to deny it, to lie, to try to cover it up to get mad at you, at himself, to yell, or cry, or start a fight. If it is infact him, you may be putting him in a situation that he is personally not yet ready to face or deal with. He might not even know himself “what” he is or “who” he is, and this might be part of his experimentation or exploration to find out. Please also keep in mind that as this may be his way of experimenting…it might also be something that will pass in time. However, this was never meant for your eyes. Only his.

In my situation there was a long period of time afterward where we did not talk. We were always aware of how each other was, either through friends or the ‘scene’ we both frequented, but for the most part there was no face to face contact. After about a year of absence from each others lives we talked on the phone, it was an emotional, eye opening and healing conversation where he admitted everything and told me that he was gay, that he had been all along but didn’t want to come out for fear of how people would react. He was a sensitive person and the thought of people rejecting or abandoning him terrified him, rather than coming out he just kept quiet. Up until his passing over a year ago we were still in each others lives, often having short periods of distance followed by intense periods of catching up and being inseparable. Regardless of our past, until the day he died there was love. Lots of love…and also lots of forgiveness.

Unfortunately I cannot say that you will have your own “happy ending”, that the pain, frustration and confusion you’re experiencing will all be for nothing. I don’t know you and I don’t know him, so my opinion is just that – an opinion. I can however suggest that maybe this isn’t something personal about or against you…but instead, a part of who he is and needs to learn about so that he can within himself become “whole”.

Be gentle with your approach, loving with your words and try to remember that we all, on every level, deserve to be treated with respect and decency no matter what our sexual “choice” in life is. That being said, I have lived my life by one very true motto that spoke volumes to me when I was younger and questioning the “wrongness” or “rightness” of my own sexuality:

A hand is a hand,
A touch is a touch,
Love is Love.
And Love cannot be denied.

I wish you the best of luck and truly hope that whatever happens you’ll be able to remain respectful and understanding regarding each others feelings. I wish there was a clear cut answer to this kind of situation, unfortunately there isn’t and we just have to make up the road as we go.

Kara_Sutra

p.s I would also like to state that in my opinion, when it comes to being homosexual, transexual etc…there is no right or wrong. The statement that it is a persons “choice” has no relevance to me. You are who you are and that can’t be ignored or denied. Nor should it be.

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Sex Ed 102 Q&A: I like talking dirty, am I normal?

For The Beginner, Q & A, Sexuality

Question:

I got into a relationship almost a year ago (I’m now 18) and I just realized that I have a really big naughty side to me and am starting to show it. I don’t know why but just texting can sometimes get me excited and arouse me. He likes it and so do I, but people are making me feel like I’m a slut because of the way I am starting to act towards him which is making me feel bad about myself.

Is what I’m feeling normal? Am I really just a “slut”? I like talking dirty, am I normal?

Please help, I’m so confused!

Just Another Confused Teen

Answer

Dear JACT ,

Simply put – you’re normal! What you’re going through is very common and to be expected at your age. There is nothing wrong with you and it’s not something to be ashamed or embarrassed about.

What you’re experiencing is a natural part of puberty and something most teens experience between the ages of *10-17 for girls and *12-18 for boys (I use those numbers because they are what is commonly defined as a “teen”). This change in sexual awareness and arousal is due to changes in hormones that shift the body from childhood to being capable of reproduction.

This is a time that should be embraced as an opportunity for you to learn about your body, what you’re feeling sexually, and why, rather than worrying what other people think. That said, in regard to those who are calling you a “slut” or making you “feel like one”, I suggest you ignore them and learn to be gentler, kinder, and more accepting of yourself and your new found breach into womanhood.

In an effort to avoid further name calling I suggest that you keep your private life separate from those who feel the need to pass judgment. Not everyone needs to know what you’re doing or saying to him. That’s between you and he. If it is something that you would like to share, only do so with those that you feel comfortable with, trust, and know wont have any negative feedback.

Also keep in mind that if they haven’t yet, those who have been making you “feel like a slut” will soon discover that they too are experiencing sexual feelings towards others and like you, may not know whats going on or how to deal with it.

Hope that helped,
Kara_Sutra

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Exploring the Female Body

For The Ladies, Health & Wellness, Sex Ed 102, Sexuality

I’m doing this video to answer some of the most asked questions I’ve received since I started making videos back in 2007. Hopefully it will help you understand the importance of knowing your body, get rid of any concerns you may have, and teach you to love the skin you’re in.

First and foremost, it’s important to note that from vulvas to nipples, eyes to teeth, every body is different and worthy of appreciation and respect. On that note, I want to stress how important it is that you learn to regularly touch yourself (it doesn’t have to be sexually) and look at yourself in the mirror. If you’re not familiar with your body there’s a likely chance you wont notice if anything is different, which could be a sign that something might be wrong health wise.

Also, during your explorations take note of anything that may feel good or bad to the touch. One of the key elements of intimacy and being sexually gratified is communication. If you don’t know what you like, how do you expect to help someone else please you?

Links to books in the video:

Sex In the City by Lisa Sussman

Sex in the City tackles every aspect of dating and relating you can imagine – and many that you’d never have thought of. Covering everything from how to meet a partner – and identify the losers – to dating and sexual etiquette, down-to-earth advice on birth control and STDs, saucy tips for between-the-sheets bliss, satisfaction-guaranteed positions, wild sex, sex with your ex and how to cope with being a born-again virgin.

Hip, fun and funky in terms of design and approach, with over 50 specially commissioned colour illustrations, Sex in the City is a highly entertaining read, as well as an informative one. Better than a Cosmopolitan-fuelled evening out with the girls, this is the ultimate sex book for twenty-first century women.

Sexuality – A highly informative book covering all aspects of sexual development including the male and female reproductive systems with highly in depth, full color diagrams and illustrations. A must read!

Sex for Dummies by Sabine Walter

The bestselling guide to a rewarding sex life and a deeper relationship.

Looking for the straight facts on sex? In this friendly, authoritative guide, renowned sex therapist Dr. Ruth gives you the latest on everything from oral sex and popular positions to new methods of birth control. She also debunks sex myths and covers new therapies to manage low libido, overcome sexual dysfunction, and enhance pleasure.

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