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Shower sex is something most people have thought about at one point or another, but in the real world, having an amazing time is sometimes easier said than done; from potentially dangerous slippery surfaces to maneuvering bodies in a small space, the inability to stay lubricated to accidentally getting soap in your partners eyes, there’s a lot of possibly frustrating things to contend with. Hopefully by following the tips outlined below the results can be pretty amazing.

Shower Sex: Safe, Fun, and Creative Ways to Make it Work

Lubrication Matters: While the water from the shower might feel like it’s helping, it actually washes away the body’s natural lubrication quickly, which can lead to discomfort or even pain. That said, if you find your natural lubrication doesn’t last very long in the shower try adding a silicone-based lubricant, like Pjur Original Bodyglide, which is waterproof and won’t break down as easily in the shower. This will help maintain a smooth, friction-free experience and can make a huge difference, especially during longer sessions.

Avoid Using Shower Products as Lubricants: It might be tempting to reach for soap, shampoo, shower gel, or even lotion to use as a substitute for lube in the shower. But please don’t – these products aren’t designed for internal use. They can be harsh on sensitive areas, causing dryness, irritation, and even throwing off your body’s natural pH balance, which can lead to issues like developing bacterial vaginosis or a yeast infection. As mentioned above, you’re best to stick to a body-safe silicone lube that’s specifically made for intimate use to avoid any negative side effects. Trust me on this.

Prevent Slips with a Bath Mat: Shower floors can be slippery at the best of times, and adding lubricant into the mix increases the chance of slips and falls. To stay safe, get a good quality bath mat or a non-slip rubber mat for your shower. This will help you and your partner keep your footing, allowing you to stay more present and relaxed rather than be distracted or worrying about balance.

Use the Water for Temperature Play: One of the unique benefits of shower sex is the potential for sensory play with water. Experiment with different water temperatures by adjusting from cool to warm as you let the spray run over your partner’s body. This can be stimulating and exciting, as temperature shifts create new sensations. Just be sure to test the water on your wrist first to avoid accidentally scalding your partner with hot water!

Try Sensory Play with a Variable-Setting Shower Head: If your shower has a detachable shower head with variable settings (pictured right), it’s another great tool for sensory play. Rotating through different settings, like a gentle mist or a more focused stream, can add a range of sensations to your partner’s experience. You can target specific areas or allow the water to flow over erogenous zones, turning the shower itself into part of your play.

Bring in a Waterproof Vibe: For those who enjoy clitoral stimulation, adding a waterproof vibrator can make a world of difference. Products like the We-Vibe Touch (pictured left), We-Vibe Tango, or JimmyJane Form 2 are waterproof and designed for external use, offering consistent stimulation that complements shower play. These toys can help make the experience more satisfying, especially for partners who need direct clitoral stimulation.

Find the Right Position: Positioning can be tricky in a confined, slippery space. Instead of fumbling around, go straight for positions that work well in the shower, like doggy-style. With one partner bending forward, place a foot on the edge of the tub or shower ledge for support. If you want a bit more support, have your partner hold your hips. This also allows them to pull you towards them for deeper penetration while also keeping you from slipping all over the place.

Invest in Shower-Specific Gear: Shower-specific support gear can make a huge difference, especially if you’re planning to make shower sex a regular thing. Simple accessories like a locking suction footrest or a suction shower handle provide extra stability and make it easier to hold certain positions. These are affordable, easy to install, and allow for safer movement, which ultimately leads to more enjoyable experiences.

Set the Mood with Lighting: Creating a romantic ambience can make the shower feel more inviting and intimate. Try turning off the main lights and using candles, which add a soft glow without taking up much space. For those feeling more adventurous, swapping out your usual bulb for a color-changing LED like Phillips Hue (my favourite), or black lights can bring a fun, creative vibe to the experience. Just make sure any lighting adjustments are made before you start to avoid any potential hazards like getting shocked.

Use Protection: Unless you’re actively trying to conceive or know for certain that your partner is STI-free, it’s wise to use protection in the shower, just as you would anywhere else. Keep in mind that the lubricant on condoms can wash away quickly in water, which may lead to dryness and even increase the chance of breakage. Adding a bit of extra silicone lubricant on the condom can help maintain its effectiveness, ensuring you stay safe while still enjoying the experience.

With a little preparation and some added creativity, shower sex can be an exciting way to bring something new into your sex life. The key is to prioritize comfort and safety so that you and your partner can stay in the moment and make the most of the unique experience.

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Sex Ed 102: Painful Sex, Possible Causes & How To Fix It

Over the years I’ve received an alarming number of messages from my female-bodied viewers regarding ‘pain during sex.’ For some, it’s an annoyance, while for others, it has made it impossible to achieve orgasm or even enjoy the experience. This is an issue that can deeply affect both sexual and emotional well-being, yet it’s often not discussed openly.

Understanding Painful Intercourse: Common Causes and Contributing Factors

Painful intercourse, or dyspareunia, is a common yet complex issue that affects many female-bodied individuals. This condition can stem from a wide range of physical, psychological, and situational factors, and often involves more than one contributing cause. The experience can vary significantly, with discomfort ranging from mild irritation to intense, debilitating pain. For anyone experiencing this issue, understanding its causes and exploring possible solutions can be essential steps toward reclaiming sexual comfort and intimacy.

With that in mind, I thought I’d address this topic by exploring the various reasons painful intercourse might be occurring, from physical and hormonal causes to emotional factors, and provide insights into potential solutions that can help bring back comfort, confidence, and pleasure in the bedroom.

Painful Sex: General Causes

Before we get into the more complex causes of painful intercourse, it’s important to remember that discomfort during intimacy can arise from many factors, some of which might be surprisingly simple or situational. For instance, timing and setting can play a big role in comfort. If intimacy is happening when you’re feeling rushed, tired, or distracted, your body might not be in the best state to enjoy it fully. Creating a relaxing, intentional environment can make all the difference. Taking time to set the mood – maybe with calming music, dim lighting, or anything else that helps you feel present – can give you a sense of ease and make the experience far more enjoyable. Giving yourself space to fully relax without rushing is a gentle way to feel more connected to your body and your partner.

Lubrication: Another factor to consider is lubrication. Even if you aren’t dealing with hormonal dryness, natural lubrication can vary based on hydration, stress, diet, and where you are in your menstrual cycle. Without adequate lubrication, friction can make intercourse uncomfortable or even painful. If this is the case, using a good-quality lubricant that feels right for you – water-based, silicone-based, or a hybrid – can provide much-needed comfort and ease. Sometimes, something as simple as adding lube can make intimacy feel smoother and more enjoyable, allowing you to focus on the connection and pleasure rather than any potential discomfort.

Penis Size: Sometimes, painful sex happens simply because the size of your partner is a bit more than your body comfortably accommodates, and that’s completely normal! When there’s a size difference that leads to discomfort, it’s all about finding ways to make things work comfortably. Communication with your partner about pacing, depth, and rhythm can go a long way, and exploring positions that allow you more control – like being on top – can help you find angles that feel good and prevent deeper penetration that might be uncomfortable. Additionally, using a generous amount of lubricant can reduce friction, making things smoother and more pleasurable. Taking your time with lots of foreplay and easing into things can also give your body a chance to relax, while also become fully aroused, which helps make everything more comfortable. Working together to find what feels best can create intimacy and pleasure while keeping you at ease.

Allergies: If you notice itching, burning, or irritation after using condoms, lube, or sex toys, your body might be sensitive to certain ingredients or materials. Latex allergies, for instance, can cause an immediate reaction, but even non-latex products sometimes contain chemicals that aren’t skin-friendly for everyone. Trying hypoallergenic, water-based lubricants and switching to toys made from body-safe materials like medical-grade silicone or glass can often make a huge difference. And if you need to use condoms, there are plenty of latex-free options designed with comfort in mind.

Medications: It’s also worth thinking about the impact of medications. Many commonly prescribed drugs – such as antihistamines, antidepressants, and certain birth control pills – can have side effects that cause dryness or impact libido, which might not be something you expect. If you think your medication could be contributing, talking with your healthcare provider or pharmacist can be helpful. They might suggest alternatives, or provide guidance on ways to balance side effects.

If you’ve found that the cause of discomfort isn’t related to general factors like those mentioned above, it might be helpful to explore some of the more complex causes of painful intercourse. Often, persistent discomfort can stem from deeper physical, hormonal, or emotional reasons that aren’t as easily recognized but are very real and common. Understanding the body’s nuances and how health, hormones, or past experiences can influence sexual comfort is a valuable part of this journey. In the sections below I’ll delve into some of the more specific causes of pain during sex and offer possible solutions that can help you move toward a more comfortable, enjoyable experience.

Painful Sex: Physical Causes

Infections and Inflammations:

Urinary Tract Infections (UTIs): Urinary Tract Infections (UTIs) can significantly contribute to painful intercourse, creating discomfort that can range from mild to intense. When a UTI is present, the urinary tract becomes inflamed and sensitive, particularly in the urethra and bladder. During intercourse, friction and pressure around these areas can exacerbate the pain, leading to a burning or stinging sensation. Additionally, the infection can cause the muscles around the pelvic area to tense in response to discomfort, further intensifying pain during intimacy. For those prone to UTIs, incorporating preventative habits – such as urinating before and after intercourse, staying hydrated, and practicing good hygiene – can help reduce the risk of infection and related pain. Seeking prompt treatment for UTIs, typically with antibiotics, is essential to alleviate symptoms and restore comfort.

Yeast and Bacterial Infections: Yeast and bacterial infections, such as bacterial vaginosis (BV) and candidiasis (yeast infections), are common causes of painful intercourse due to the irritation, swelling, and inflammation they can cause in the vaginal area. Both types of infections disrupt the natural balance of bacteria in the vagina, leading to symptoms like itching, burning, and an unusual discharge. During intercourse, these symptoms can worsen as friction aggravates the sensitive, inflamed tissues, resulting in increased discomfort or pain.

Yeast infections are usually caused by an overgrowth of Candida fungi, while bacterial vaginosis is linked to an imbalance in vaginal bacteria. Treating these infections is crucial to relieve symptoms and prevent further complications; antifungal medications are typically effective for yeast infections, while bacterial vaginosis usually responds to antibiotics. Practicing good hygiene, avoiding scented products, and wearing breathable fabrics can also help prevent these infections and reduce discomfort during intimacy.

Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs): Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs) can be a significant source of painful intercourse, as they often cause inflammation, sores, and irritation in the genital area. Infections such as herpes, chlamydia, and gonorrhea can lead to discomfort during intimacy due to symptoms like burning, itching, and swelling, which are exacerbated by friction. For example, herpes can cause painful sores and blisters on or around the genitals, making any contact intensely uncomfortable.

Additionally, untreated STIs like chlamydia or gonorrhea can lead to pelvic inflammatory disease (PID), which causes chronic pelvic pain that can further impact sexual comfort. Prompt diagnosis and treatment of STIs are essential to reduce pain and prevent long-term complications. Safe sex practices, regular STI testing, and open communication with partners about sexual health can all help in managing risks and ensuring a more comfortable and healthy sexual experience.

Structural or Muscular Conditions

Shortened Vaginal Canal: A shortened vaginal canal can contribute to painful intercourse, causing discomfort during penetration. This condition may result from various factors, including congenital anomalies, surgical procedures such as hysterectomy, or conditions like pelvic inflammatory disease (PID) that can lead to scarring or adhesions in the pelvic region. When the vaginal canal is shortened, it may limit the space available for penetration, resulting in increased friction and discomfort. Individuals experiencing pain due to a shortened vaginal canal should consult a healthcare provider or pelvic floor therapist for guidance.

Solutions may include specific techniques to ease penetration, the use of lubricants to reduce friction, or pelvic floor exercises to enhance muscle flexibility and control, ultimately promoting a more comfortable and pleasurable sexual experience.

Uterine Fibroids: Uterine fibroids, which are noncancerous growths in or on the uterus, can contribute to painful intercourse due to their impact on pelvic anatomy and sensitivity. These fibroids can vary in size and location, with some growing large enough to press against surrounding organs, including the vaginal canal or bladder, leading to discomfort or pain during intimacy. Depending on their size and placement, uterine fibroids can create pressure and increase sensitivity in the pelvic area, causing pain with deeper penetration.

Treatments for fibroids range from medications that help shrink them to more direct interventions, like uterine artery embolization or surgical removal. Consulting a healthcare provider can help determine the best approach to manage fibroid symptoms and alleviate pain during intercourse, leading to greater comfort and enjoyment.

Endometriosis: Endometriosis is a condition where tissue similar to the uterine lining grows outside the uterus, often affecting the ovaries, fallopian tubes, and other pelvic organs. This displaced tissue can become inflamed and form scar tissue, leading to chronic pelvic pain and discomfort during intercourse, especially with deeper penetration. Pain from endometriosis can be persistent, and the inflammation may also cause cramping and sensitivity that can extend to other areas of the pelvis.

Treatments like hormonal therapies, pain management, or, in some cases, surgical options can help reduce symptoms.  For those with endometriosis, finding a comfortable position, taking time for relaxation, and working closely with a healthcare provider are essential steps for managing discomfort and achieving a more enjoyable sexual experience.

Pelvic Inflammatory Disease: As mentioned above, PID causes inflammation, scarring, and even abscesses in the pelvic region, which can make intercourse painful, particularly with deeper thrusting. The chronic pain and sensitivity resulting from PID may also contribute to tension in the pelvic muscles, increasing discomfort during intimacy.

Treatment for PID generally involves antibiotics to address the infection and may include pain management options to ease pelvic discomfort. Early treatment of PID is essential to prevent lasting damage to the reproductive organs and to alleviate the pain associated with intimacy.

Vaginismus: Vaginismus is a condition where involuntary contractions of the pelvic floor muscles make penetration painful or, in some cases, impossible. These muscle spasms can occur as a response to anticipated pain, anxiety, or previous negative experiences, creating a cycle of discomfort and apprehension around intimacy. Individuals with vaginismus may experience a burning or tight sensation when attempting penetration, often due to the involuntary tightening of muscles.

Treatment typically involves pelvic floor physical therapy, relaxation exercises, and, in some cases, the use of dilators to gradually increase comfort. Working with a sex therapist or counselor can also help address any emotional or psychological factors contributing to the condition, enabling individuals to experience intimacy with greater ease and confidence.

Skin Conditions and Sensitivities

Lichen Sclerosus: Lichen sclerosus is a chronic skin condition that causes thinning, itching, and white patches on the vulva or around the anus. This condition can make intercourse painful due to the fragility of the skin, which may tear or become irritated easily during sexual activity. Individuals with lichen sclerosus often experience itching, burning, and discomfort, which can worsen with friction.

Treatment usually includes topical corticosteroids to manage symptoms and reduce inflammation, helping to restore comfort in the genital area. Using gentle lubricants and avoiding perfumed or irritating products can also reduce irritation during intimacy, improving comfort and reducing the risk of skin damage.

Dermatitis: Dermatitis, an inflammatory skin condition, can affect the genital area and lead to painful intercourse due to itching, redness, and irritation. It can be triggered by allergies, contact with scented products, or certain fabrics, resulting in heightened sensitivity of the affected skin. During intercourse, friction can worsen the irritation, causing a burning sensation or discomfort. Identifying and avoiding triggers, as well as using hypoallergenic, fragrance-free products, can help prevent flare-ups.

Treatments may include soothing creams, such as hydrocortisone, to reduce inflammation. Practicing good skin care and using lubricants during intimacy can also help prevent discomfort and promote a more comfortable sexual experience.

Painful Sex: Hormonal Changes

Vaginal Dryness:  Hormonal changes, particularly during certain times of a menstrual cycle, menopause, breastfeeding, or due to certain contraceptive methods, can significantly impact vaginal lubrication, leading to dryness.

As estrogen levels change or decline, the vaginal tissues can become less elastic and produce less natural moisture, resulting in increased friction during intercourse. This dryness can cause discomfort, burning sensations, and even pain during penetration, making intimate experiences less enjoyable. Additionally, the thinning of the vaginal walls can heighten sensitivity, further contributing to discomfort.

Estrogen Deficiency: Estrogen deficiency, commonly occurring during menopause, postpartum, or as a side effect of certain medications, can lead to painful intercourse due to its impact on vaginal health. Lowered estrogen levels cause the vaginal tissue to thin and produce less natural lubrication, resulting in increased dryness and sensitivity. This thinning makes the vaginal walls more prone to irritation and discomfort during sexual activity, especially from friction. Symptoms may include burning, itching, and pain with penetration.

To alleviate both of these possible issues, individuals may benefit from using water-based or silicone-based lubricants which can enhance comfort during intercourse. Hormonal treatments, such as topical estrogen creams, can also help to restore moisture and elasticity in the vaginal tissue, relieve pain, and enhance comfort, making sexual intimacy more pleasurable.

Low Testosterone: Although often associated with male bodied sexual health, testosterone plays a role in female libido, vaginal lubrication, and tissue health. Low levels can lead to reduced arousal and natural lubrication, resulting in dryness and discomfort during intercourse. Low testosterone can occur due to aging, certain medications, or underlying health conditions.

Thyroid Imbalances (Hypothyroidism and Hyperthyroidism): Thyroid hormones impact many aspects of sexual and reproductive health. Hypothyroidism, or low thyroid hormone levels, can cause low libido, vaginal dryness, and fatigue, which can all contribute to painful intercourse. Hyperthyroidism, or high thyroid hormone levels, may also cause menstrual irregularities, which can impact hormonal balance and sexual comfort.

High Prolactin Levels: Elevated levels of prolactin (a hormone primarily involved in milk production) can reduce estrogen and testosterone levels, leading to reduced vaginal lubrication, low libido, and discomfort during sex. High prolactin can result from stress, certain medications, or pituitary gland issues.

Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS): PCOS is an endocrine disorder that affects hormone levels, often causing higher-than-normal androgens (male hormones) in the body. This can disrupt estrogen levels, potentially leading to irregular menstrual cycles, vaginal dryness, and reduced libido, which can cause discomfort during intercourse.

Adrenal Insufficiency: The adrenal glands produce essential hormones, including sex hormones and cortisol. Adrenal insufficiency, often due to conditions like Addison’s disease, reduces these hormones, which may lead to decreased libido, fatigue, and vaginal dryness.

Addressing hormonal imbalances through lifestyle adjustments, hormone replacement therapies, or other medical treatments can help manage these symptoms and improve comfort during intimacy. Consulting with a healthcare provider is essential to identify the underlying causes and find effective treatments.

Painful Sex: Emotional and Psychological Factors

Emotional and psychological factors can significantly contribute to painful intercourse, as the mind and body are closely connected when it comes to sexual health. Mental health concerns such as anxiety, stress, relationship issues, or past trauma can lead to physical manifestations, such as muscle tension or a lack of natural lubrication, making intimacy uncomfortable. Addressing these underlying factors can help relieve pain and enhance overall sexual well-being. Therapy, open communication, and relaxation techniques are valuable tools in exploring and alleviating these emotional contributors to discomfort.

Anxiety and Stress: Anxiety about performance, body image, or even unresolved trauma can directly impact physical comfort during intercourse by triggering involuntary muscle tension, especially in the pelvic floor muscles. When we feels anxious, the body often tightens in response, which can make penetration uncomfortable or even painful. Additionally, stress can decrease libido and reduce natural lubrication, leading to increased friction and discomfort. Practices such as mindfulness, breathing exercises, or seeking help from a mental health professional can help manage anxiety and stress, fostering relaxation during intimacy and reducing physical pain.

Relationship Dynamics: The dynamics within a relationship can have a significant impact on comfort during intimacy. If there’s tension, unspoken needs, or unresolved issues, these can affect both emotional and physical comfort. Feeling emotionally connected to your partner can play a big role in feeling safe, relaxed, and open during intimacy. Building trust and creating an open space to share feelings or desires can enhance comfort and make intimacy feel safe and fulfilling. Simple, honest conversations about needs and boundaries, as well as shared moments of relaxation, can help create a more supportive environment for closeness and ease.

Past Trauma: Past trauma such as sexual assault or abuse, can make intimacy feel challenging, even years later. Traumatic experiences can lead to emotional and physical responses, like involuntary pelvic muscle tightening, heightened anxiety, or fear of pain, which can all make intimacy feel overwhelming. Healing from trauma is a personal journey, and there’s no rush – each small step toward comfort is a big achievement. Working with a trauma-informed therapist, practicing grounding techniques, or simply communicating openly with a supportive partner can help create a safer, more nurturing environment for intimacy. You deserve to feel safe, in control, and at ease in your body, and finding the right support can make all the difference in moving toward comfort and pleasure.

Final Thoughts

Painful intercourse is a multifaceted issue that varies from person to person. With the right approach, resources, and support, individuals can find relief and foster a more comfortable and fulfilling sexual experience. Consulting healthcare providers, working through any emotional or psychological barriers, and exploring practical solutions can help individuals reconnect with their bodies and enjoy intimacy without pain.

For anyone experiencing persistent pain, seeking support from a medical professional is of the utmost importance, as they can provide personalized guidance and treatments to help bring comfort and confidence back into intimate experiences.

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