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Dear Ronda Rousey, Just Say Yes To Lube!

Dear Ronda Rousey, Just Say Yes To Lube!
credit: getty images/maxim/kara_sutra reviews

If you follow the sex positive community on twitter, you probably saw a thread of angry tweets recently pop up in your feed with the hashtag #tweetyourlube, created by in support of Rachel Kramer BusselsSalon article, where she refuted some terrible sex advice UFC Bantamweight Champion, Ronda Rousey, had to give a male reader.

In the Maxim​ Magazine piece, Ronda Rousey​ was asked, “What should a guy ALWAYS do in bed? What should a guy NEVER do in bed?”, to which she answered…

What should a guy always do? Take his time. In general, a girl takes a minute. He needs to get her ready. You should never need lube in your life. If you need lube, than you’re being lazy…and you’re not taking your time.

While I can appreciate what she’s trying to suggest – that great sex comes when you’re present in the moment, not rushing, and enjoying your partner – her answer was ignorant, disappointing, and very unacceptable.

It’s this kind of uninformed advice that further purports the misguided beliefs that a.) if a person can’t get wet it’s because their partner is doing something wrong and failing them, b.) their partner is responsible for their sexual arousal, and/or c.) lube generally isn’t necessary.

I’m sorry Ronda, but no. Just no. This is just not okay.

Arousal and Desire: Knowing The Difference

According to Ms. Rousey’s answer, all it takes for a person to get wet is time, more time, and a bunch of foreplay.

Unfortunately this isn’t exactly how things work.

What she failed to understand is that there is a difference between the processes of arousal and desire.  Arousal (the cause of lubrication, we’ll get to that below), is an involuntary physiological bodily response to a type of stimulus.  Whereas the desire to have sex is often based a psychological need or want for sexual intimacy. While the two are often deemed as being one in the same, they are two separate experiences.

Furthermore, although arousal and desire often work together, they can also operate independently, for instance; your partner may want to have sex but their body may not respond the way they need/want (i.e. lack of wetness), or in the opposite case, they may not want to have sex but their body could be responding (as is the case with some rape victims who experience orgasm during the attack).

Sure, a lack of foreplay could play a big role in lowered sexual arousal (and subsequent wetness) but there are a variety of other factors that could have an impact as well. Simply suggesting that it comes down to foreplay, time, and more time, is highly ignorant.

But I digress.

You Are Responsible For Your Orgasm, Not Your Partner

come as you are bookSince 2007 I’ve received countless emails from my cis male readers/viewers asking for help when it came to stimulating their cis female partner. In almost every situation the reader felt like he was doing something wrong because his partner couldn’t get wet, wasn’t fully aroused, or couldn’t orgasm no matter how hard he tried.

Unlike Ms. Rouseys advice that he spend more time on stimulation, my first suggestion was often to open the lines of communication; find out what type of touch she preferred, where she liked to be touched, the amount of pressure she needed, and where she was most sensitive to sexual stimulation. Without this information, no amount of help I had to offer would be of any use.

Yes, a person should take their time, but if you’re not doing what your partner likes or needs, it’s pointless. And spending more time doing it certainly isn’t going to help.

Screen Shot 2015-11-06 at 1.21.54 PMIn all honesty, this is the kind of thing that makes me ridiculously angry. Unfortunately societal standards have often dictated that it takes a strong, steadfast, virile man to get a female off. That her orgasm is his responsibility. That she is dependent on him and his skills to ‘get her ready’. That if she doesn’t orgasm it’s his fault because he finished too quickly, or didn’t take his time, or wasn’t focused, or wasn’t a good lover, or didn’t know what he was doing, or didn’t anticipate her needs, or couldn’t read her body language, or was ‘lazy‘, or…

I could go on, but the point I’m trying to make is that if you can’t orgasm or become aroused with your partner it’s your responsibility to learn about your body and communicate what you need.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that speaking about sex, or during sex for that matter, is an easy or comfortable thing to do. With all the shame surrounding the subject, our bodies, and sexuality in general, I know how hard and complicated it can be. But if you don’t take ownership of your pleasure and share your needs, you can’t fault your partner when they do try to please you but miss the mark.

A Bit About Vaginal Lubrication, Or Lack Thereof

Before I go on, I figured this would be the perfect opportunity to give a quick run down on vaginal lubrication. That way we’ll all be completely clear on how what Ms. Rousey is suggesting isn’t exactly the best advice…

Vaginal Lubrication: The Coles Notes

During sexual arousal the ‘female’ body experiences a variety of physical changes, the vulva and clitoris swell, the nipples become erect, muscular tension pulls the uterus upwards causing the vaginal canal to extend (both in length and width – called ‘tenting‘), and the vaginal walls fill with blood in a process called vasocongestion (also how erections occur). This vasocongestion causes increased pressure which, in turn, causes the fluid within the blood serum to be pushed through the tissues of the vaginal wall… thus, the vagina becomes lubricated.

Vaginal fluid has other functions besides making it easier for a penis, finger, or sex toy to enter; it decreases pressure and reduces the amount of friction that occurs (potentially saving the vaginal walls from tearing), limits any pain that may be associated with intercourse (allowing for a more comfortable experience), while also changing the chemical nature of the vagina, causing it to become more alkaline and less acidic (making it more hospitable to sperm).

The amount of lubrication created varies from person to person, may be different one day from the next, and changes based on any number of factors.

On that note, the addition of a good lube, whether because a person needs or wants to, certainly isn’t anything to feel bad or embarrassed about. When everything is said and done, it’s a fantastic way of helping things along, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Causes of Vaginal Dryness

Contrary to what Ms. Rousey implied, vaginal dryness is not always caused by a partners lack of time spent engaging in foreplay. Instead, there are many other reasons lack of lubrication could be occurring, including but not limited to;

  • menopause/perimenopause (lowered estrogen levels are often experienced during this time which affect lubrication)
  • health issues (diabetes, hypertension, polycystic ovarian syndrome, heart and kidney disorders, among others)
  • skin irritations/allergic reactions (soaps, dyes, laundry detergents and dryer sheets, body washes, perfumes, etc. can have an irritating and drying effect on the skin/genitals which could affect natural lubrication)
  • Summers Eve Douchepregnancy, having recently given birth, breastfeeding (shifts in estrogen/progesterone levels, possible lack of genital sensitivity requiring, tenderness due to childbirth, lowered estrogen during to lactation/breastfeeding can all have a negative impact on vaginal lubrication)
  • douching (disturbs the normal chemical balance of the vagina, often leading to irritation and vaginal dryness)
  • alcohol abuse/alcohol use (alcohol has a dehydrating affect on the body which could lead to vaginal dryness, it also acts as a depressant on the nervous system affecting sexual arousal and orgasm)
  • smoking cigarettes (cigarettes can affect circulation and destroy estrogen which can affect arousal and vaginal lubrication)
As you can clearly see, there are many reasons a person may not become lubricated enough for comfortable intercourse. To imply that it simply comes down to a lack of foreplay, without acknowledging other causes, is an uninformed thing to suggest. To then take it one level further and also state that a person should “never need lube in their life” is just ignorant, rude, and insensitive. Ronda, you can do better.

Dear Ronda Rousey, Just Say Yes To Lube!

prod-naturalsLook, I get it, when a person reaches the point of popularity that Ronda Rousey has, the general public starts thinking that because they are experts on one thing (in her case, fighting), they must be experts on a variety of topics… and when they’re then made into sex symbols by the media, that usually comes with the added bonus that they’re assumed to be highly educated on all things sex. Before long they’re touting sex advice on widely read publications, and praised for it, even when the advice they’re offering could be detrimental to someones health, sense of self, or relationship.

Everything considered, I can’t help but sympathize with the readers who will take her words at face value, apply the suggestions she made, find they’ve had no difference (because she didn’t properly educate them), and feel bad about themselves, their partners, and the sex they’re having. Especially when all it might have taken is a bottle of good lube to help things along.

Like I said in the start of this post, I appreciate what she was trying to do with her answer, but I think she needs to take a step back, get some insight on how the body works and until she’s learned better, leave sex ed to those who know what they’re actually talking about.

Investing a bottle of good lube probably wouldn’t hurt her either. #dontknockittilyouvetriedit

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Promescent Review

promescentNo matter how many times I cover premature ejaculation (or other erection issues), the main response I recieve from my viewers/readers is the same. Whether it’s asking about pills, creams and/or topical ointments, intimate accessories, or natural ways of obtaining results, every letter eventually leads to the question,

“…is there anything I can use or take to help me last longer and please my partner?…”

Often followed by,

“…you know, one that really works.”

It’s this continual inquiry that’s led me to sample more dick products than I care to admit. And while I may not have a penis of my own, I’m lucky enough to have a partner who’s willingly obliged to being a guinea pig for me time and time again. So when the folks at Promescent reached out and asked if I’d review their ejaculation delay spray, I couldn’t really say no. Hopefully this review will help those of you struggling with PE to find a product that might work for you.

If you don’t care about the product details, jump to our personal experience here.

What is Promescent and how does it work?

Promescent is a spray designed to delay ejaculation and orgasm by reducing sensitivity of the penis. Basically put, it numbs your dick so you can stay hard and have sex for a longer period of time.

According to the website, unlike other products that can’t be fully absorbed and therefore only affect the outer layers of skin (limiting the effectiveness and possibly transferring to the partner), Promescent uses a patented Lidocaine based formula that penetrates below the skins surface where the nerves reside. By blocking the signal of pain within the body (or any sensation, as the case may be), it offers a potential temporary solution for those suffering with premature ejaculation, without also diminishing the enjoyment of sex.

If you’re curious about the technical aspects of how it works, feel free to watch the embedded video from the Promescent website (above left).

The Good

  • promescent reivew: bottlesIt’s easy to apply and reliably sprays the same dosage amount each time (limits the chance of using too much and can be easily adjusted to suit your needs).
  • Takes effect within 10 minutes, no need to sit around waiting; you can actively engage in foreplay with your partner while waiting for the effects to kick in.
  • Because it’s absorbed by the skin it doesn’t transfer to your partner and/or reduce their pleasure, this also means you don’t need to worry about accidentally numbing their throat or mouth during oral sex. Just make sure to wash any residual spray off with a damp cloth beforehand.
  • Does not require a prescription, can be used by anyone in need of a little assistance, and is only needed when you have sex (unlike continually taking medications).
  • If you’ve ever had a hard-on that uncomfortably lasted for hours, which was my partners experience when we stupidly experimented with Viagara, you don’t need to worry as the effects should wear off between 45 mins to an hour after first application (doesn’t mean you’ll last that long, just the effects of the spray). Granted, Viagra is designed to cause and maintain an erection, but I thought it was worth noting for those that might refrain from using the spray for that reason.
  • It’s non-toxic and is the first and only spray that’s been passed by the FDA as safe for use.
  • Can be easily washed off with water and shouldn’t stain clothing or sheets.
  • For those that are engaging in safe sex practices, it’s safe for use with condoms.
  • Most importantly, it does work. Sometimes a little too well, but we’ll get to that in a minute.

Promescent Review: Personal Experience

Although there was a short period years ago where my partner had issues achieving and maintaining an erection, premature ejaculation was never an issue. Generally, for us sex lasts around 15 minutes, except in the event of being under the influence of alcohol (where it lasts longer), or really horny (intentionally, it’s over pretty quick).  Everything considered, I’d think we’re not the specific target market Promescent is hoping to reach, however it doesn’t mean we didn’t notice a difference.

Note: Before testing the product we checked online and found instances where users had gone overboard and unwittingly left themselves totally numb and unable to maintain or achieve an erection. As such, we decided it best to err on the side of caution and casually experiment with increased doses over a three week period.

Test 1:

promescent review: bottle, packaging, directionsThe first time he only used 2 sprays (instead of the suggested 3-5) directly on the underside of his penis where the head meets the shaft. Not long after rubbing it in he started to feel a slight tingling sensation, then a bit of warmth, followed by “gentle” numbness. Wanting to abide by the instructions perfectly we waited the suggested 10 minutes (the time it takes to be fully effective) before going at it. When the alarm on his phone went off signalling time was up, we headed to the bedroom to make out. Before long he had a raging hard-on and we were soaked in sweat… as expected the sex lasted longer than normal, with him finally finishing around the half hour mark.

His experience: My partner said he didn’t notice the numbness until he touched the area, and that the numbness itself was very localized.  There was no burning, tingling, or uncomfortable feeling, and the numbing allowed him to go longer without completely dulling the stimulation he received. We’re not sure if it’s something that comes with numbing one area (head) and not another (shaft), but he said the shaft was more sensitive than usual.

My experience: Because sex for us is usually unplanned and totally spontaneous, the only real difference came from knowing I was going to get laid but had to wait for it. Let’s just say I’m not the most patient person when it comes to getting dick. The sex itself was great, I didn’t feel any transference of the spray, and it appeared he had a great time too. Granted I did feel a little tender after, but thanks to some good lube I wasn’t raw or sore.

Test 2:

The second time he was a little braver and used 5 sprays. He also rubbed it into the entire length of the shaft (under the head of the penis and down the base), rather than just the underside of the head.  As with the previous experience a tingling sensation and warmth started after 2 minutes, followed by numbness. Because we were using condoms we weren’t too worried about it transferring to me so we went at it before the 10 minutes was up. Again, the sex lasted longer than normal (around 25 minutes), however we  had to stop a few times because the numbness made the condom feel weird for him (like it had slipped off or ripped). Thankfully, it hadn’t.

promescent review bottle close upHis experience: Initially he was totally aroused, but he said the lack of sensation while wearing a condom was a little alarming. Had he put the condom on after it had set, he would have known what to expect and wouldn’t have felt the need to repeatedly stop (to check the condom). He also said that ejaculating felt weird, like he could feel it, but it was ‘diluted’. Other than that, he said he liked that he could still feel me and wasn’t totally numb.

My experience: Like the first time I didn’t notice any real difference (regarding sensation) from when we normally have sex. The starting and stopping (to check the condom) was a little annoying, but something that comes with using condoms anyways. Admittedly, it was nice to go longer than usual.

Test 3:

With his curiosity peaked, my partner used 7 sprays for our third test. In retrospect, it probably wasn’t the best idea. Like our second time he applied it under the head of the penis and down the shaft. Almost instantly the sensation was warmer and more tingly than before, then the localized numbness kicked in. After 15 minutes of foreplay his penis went from a full hard on to semi-erect. I asked if everything was okay, to which he replied that it felt weird, like he was disconnected from his dick and couldn’t get it to do what he wanted. He said he was still into it mentally, but his body just didn’t want to co-operate. We gave it another 10 minutes before he washed off as best he could and called it a day. Unfortunately when it comes to products like Promescent, more does not often = better. From our experience it proved to be just the opposite.

His experience: Contrary to our previous experiences he said he was caught off guard with how much it numbed, and while there was no actual discomfort (pain etc), it was a foreign sensation that left him a little worried (read: paranoid). He said it took a good hour before his dick felt ‘normal’, which was a relief. He agreed that he probably shouldn’t have used as much, but said his curiosity got the best of him and he couldn’t resist seeing what would happen.

My experience: He’s a pretty confident guy, so watching him struggle to achieve and maintain an erection was tough. We’ve been down this road before (so I knew how to handle it and didn’t take it personally), but it didn’t necessarily make things easier either.  Knowing he was disappointed, both in the product and himself, made it harder for me to stay in the mood.

IMG_5552Test 4:

This time he balls-to-the-wall and used 10 sprays (rubbing it all over his dick). Knowing what our previous experience was like, I still don’t understand why he did it. Almost instantly his dick was tingling, followed by a slight ‘hot’ sensation (not burning), then complete numbness. At this point he wasn’t into it, but he wanted to see if we could somehow cajole an erection (so he’d know what it felt like).

No matter how hard we tried his dick remained soft. Stroking did nothing. Same for oral. No amount of titillation got so much as a muscle flex out of it. Granted he wasn’t turned on by this point, and instead treated the situation like some ill advised science experiment/challenge.

Whether the lack of erection was due to his disinterest, the product, or a combination of both, is anyone’s guess. After 15 minutes he started to get paranoid again so we gave up, he washed off, and we watched missed episodes of Parks and Rec on Netflix while waiting for him to regain feeling in his dick (took about an hour and a half for the numbness to totally dissipate).

His experience: In full acknowledgement of the ridiculous amount he used, he said he was surprised it didn’t ‘hurt’ and that there was no ‘burning’ sensation (which he expected). He said he was shocked that he couldn’t get a reaction from his dick, at all, and that the lack of responsiveness really worried him.  He also noted that peeing felt weird, and that the last 45 minutes of his dick being numb was really annoying.  After this experience he promised that if we ever used it again he’d stick with only 2 sprays.

Promescent review: back of bottle

My experience:  As someone that doesn’t have a dick, and therefore had no idea what he was going through, this was rather traumatizing for me. Sure, I’ve seen guys struggle with achieving erections before, but to get absolutely nothing was completely unexpected and very unnerving. Thankfully there was no lasting side effects, and his dick worked perfectly fine when we had sex the next day.

Test 5:

After our last run with the spray we were admittedly a little nervous to try it again. I told him it was up to him, that he didn’t have to if he didn’t want to, but being the considerate person he is, he wanted to make sure I didn’t give a thumbs up to something that wasn’t reliable. So, off he went bottle in hand and applied it exactly as he had the during our initial test: 2 sprays directly on the underside of the head, avoiding the shaft, allowing 10 minutes to fully absorb. Even though we both were nervous the sex was great and lasted longer than usual, clocking in at around 20-25 minutes.

His experience: With the exception of being wary, his experience was similar to the first time; his sensitivity was reduced but he could still feel me enough to have a great orgasm. He also said that ejaculating felt like it usually does (instead of being weird or disconnected), and there wasn’t any discomfort.

My experience: For the most part results were the same for me, however because I felt the need to continually check in and see if he was okay, the sex wasn’t quite as intense or fulfilling (for me). Admittedly, that was my own issue and didn’t have anything to do with the product itself; the spray definitely worked, I was just over considerate. Had he not gone so far with tests 3 and 4, I think I would have had a kick-ass time.

 The Bad

  • For me, the biggest drawback is the $79.95 retail price. Having said that, most users will likely find they only need 1 or 2 sprays, in which case the cost isn’t bad (you get around 60 sprays per bottle). But if effectiveness requires needing 3 or 4 sprays (each time), overall it could end up being rather costly.
  • promescent review: full packagingThe delaying effect is temporary, and therefore isn’t a permanent solution.
  • As with many products, there is a faint smell to the spray. It’s not overwhelming, but it is there. It reminded us of the minty but medicinal Original Listerine (the yellow one). Thankfully the scent doesn’t remain for very long, and it’s not something you’ll smell unless your up close (consider this before asking your partner for a blow job).
  • If too much is used it may cause loss of erection and numbness, as well as irritation. On that note, it’s always better to use the amount specified on the directions – using more doesn’t always mean you’re going to get better results (as we proved with our tests above).
  • Because Lidocaine has not been proven to be safe for use during pregnancy, it’s not recommended for couples who are or may become pregnant.

Aside from all that, because Promescent works by numbing the area, it’s advised that you pay close attention to what you’re doing at all times. Any time you can’t feel yourself, or your partner, there is a risk of unintentionally hurting yourself or them.  While I’d advise products like this for external use, I would NOT suggest them for use internally, whether it’s vaginal, oral, or anal. If you want to use something for those purposes you’re better off getting a product that either relaxes the area or enhances sensation.  Lastly, if you’ve decided to use a condom as your form of protection, it’s a good idea to stop every so often and make sure the condom is still intact/on… if you’re numb you may not be able to tell if it’s ripped or has come off.

IMG_5561Final Thoughts

For some people the causes of premature ejaculation are more physical than chemical/mental, in which case delay products like Promescent can help tremendously. During our tests we found the spray extended the lasting time during intercourse by around 10 minutes on average (allowing for a half hour session at its most effective).  Suffice it to say we were both impressed with the results.  With that in mind, as far as temporary solutions to premature ejaculation go, this one gets a big thumbs up.

Having said that, I assume pairing it with other methods would likely offer even better results. Just keep in mind, since every body is different, some products will work and some won’t. The key is to not judge them all by the same measuring stick and instead experiment with the various options available until you get the desired results. Or in our case, experiment until you learn your lessons the hard way and end up with a dick that won’t do anything you want. From now on, we’ll be sticking with 2 sprays.

If you’d like more information I’d suggest hitting up the Promescent website, Googling other online reviews, and/or contacting them if you have questions. For those looking to try the product, you can purchase it here (I’d suggest snagging the trial size, it’s currently 50% off = $14.90 including shipping) or via the Promescent account on Amazon.

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*Disclaimer: I received 1 standard sized bottle at no cost to me in exchange for this review. I also received financial compensation from the sponsor for my time and effort.  Although this post is sponsored, all opinions are my own based on my personal experiences.

 

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First Time Sex: Erection Issues

premature-264x300Question :

Hi!

I’ve just recently found your videos and I’m hooked! You’re adorable and so fun to watch. But anyway, I was hoping you could help me out with a problem I’m having.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over 2 months now. And in those two months we’ve done pretty much everything but intercourse. Keep in mind we’re both virgins. Today we both decided to take the next step and have sex. Well that did not work out at all.

Penis erect, condom on, attempt to insert… and fail.
It just would not go in. And then… erection gone.

I knew I’d be tight so we even agreed that he would kind of prep me with one finger… then two.  But even just two fingers is tight. He WAS having a problem keeping it up (not the norm for him) Maybe nerves? So it maybe could have been hard but not hard enough? Could the addition of lube helped at all?

Any advice would be great.

Thanks

Answer:

First of all thanks for watching my vids!!

As for the questions, what you went through is completely normal.  I hear it all the time so dont be too worried.

For your part, the fingering was a very good idea and usually helps. It may have been that you were nervous and tensed up when he went to insert his penis, causing you to “tighten” up. It could also be that you werent “wet” enough for an “easy” insertion. For next time you may want to do what you did previously with the fingering, add some lube and try to relax. Dont let this be something that makes you nervous or scared, instead make it something that is enjoyable and exciting.

As for his part, he was probably very nervous about “failing” you. There seems to be a huge difference when it comes to males and females and sexually pleasing their partners. Women aren’t expected to do very much, or so it seems, however there is a lot of pressure placed on males to “perform” and have their partner orgasm. (By the way, if you don’t have an orgasm during intercourse it’s completely normal, that may just come in time) For him this was/is going to be a defining moment of his “manhood”, and there is a lot to go wrong.

  • He could go soft
  • He could orgasm too soon
  • He could go on for too long
  • He could be too big and it could hurt you
  • He could be too small and not enough to please you
  • He could get it in but then not know what to do with it
  • Not to mention the list of other fears/doubts/anxiety that go through a males head.

When it comes to sex, especially first time sex, there is so much to think about. The best advice I can give is to be supportive and let him know that it’s okay no matter what happens and that when it’s meant to happen it will. Let him know that if he goes soft it’s normal, especially for the first time, and that you don’t judge him for it.

Also in the future, if he does go soft you can always do other things to help him regain his erection like give him oral sex or manual stimulation (hand job). Or if he’s willing to wait it out, you can have him stimulate you until he is ready again.

If you’d like a better understanding of what’s going on, and possibly some products that might be helpful, I suggest giving these articles a read:

 

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Male Sexual Response Cycle


Today’s video is going to cover the Male Sexual Response Cycle and all of the phases the ‘male’ body goes through from arousal to after the orgasm. For those of you that haven’t seen it,  I created a previous post on the Female Sexual Response Cycle to help educate about what happens for a female and the way the body reacts when she goes through the phases. If you haven’t seen it yet, I suggest you check it out.

I’m hoping that through watching this video all of you will not only become better educated in regard to your own body, but also will have a better sexual experience because of it.

male sexual response cycleThe Phases:

1.) Arousal / Excitement~ This phase begins when your body first begins to respond to sexual stimulation.

  • Physical reactions like the following can be expected
  • an increase in heart rate,
  • flushing of the face and/or neck,
  • nipples becoming hard,
  • partial raising of the testicles
  • erection of the penis

2.)Plateau ~ This is the stage where your body is highly aroused and on the verge of orgasm.

Physical reactions like the following can be expected

  • everything that happens during the first stage continues and increases
  • testicles will enlarge and be fully raised
  • a few drops of pre-cum will be secreted by the Cowpers glands. (This precum is meant to lubricate the urethra, as well as clean out any bacteria that may have been left behind)

3.)Orgasm / Climax

This phase tends to be slightly different between men and women, with the men experiencing it in two parts; the first tends to be a moment of inevitability characterized by sensations that mark the point of no return with contractions occurring in the testicles, prostate and seminal vesicles. The in second part is the ejaculation of sperm due to contractions in the urethra and penis. Typically the actual orgasm lasts less than one minute for most males.

4.) Resolution ~ the body slowly returns to normal

Unlike the female, who can be responsive to stimulation even after orgasm and even have multiple orgasms, the male typically goes through a period of unresponsiveness or a refractory period where he is no longer able to be aroused and needs some time before he can get another erection and orgasm. Tho this is true for most males, its not true for every one.

I do highly suggest that you take the time to learn about your body, either during masturbation or intercourse and see if you can identify the phases as you are going through them, which will in turn help you to become a better lover.

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Q&A w/ Kara_Sutra: Does Penis Size Matter?

*the above video is about 6 years old, I debated posting it but ultimately felt it still did a fairly decent job of getting the point across.

Question:

Hi Kara,

First let me say I watch every video you put on YouTube. I consider what you do a real service to the community. If people can watch it without feeling guilty or stupid, then you may have just saved a life or helped someone feel more comfortable about themselves.

Now, about me. I’m a healthy male, and I have a micro-penis. I was born with this condition. I masturbate normally, and have erections normally, etc. The only thing is my length is about 3″ when fully erect and my girth is around 1″, maybe just under.

As you can imagine, this has been a huge issue for me my entire life. As a teenager, being introduced to sex, I was mortified of having the discussion with my girlfriends. So, it never came up. When I went to high school I never took showers, out of embarrassment. It wasn’t until AFTER I graduated, my doctor talked to me and said “Gee, why didn’t you just wear swim trunks and tell people it was a skin condition or something?” Thanks, doc, a few years too late.

I met my current girlfriend and she and I hit it off immediately. After a few dates she wants to have sex and I start to worry, what if she doesn’t like me because of my penis? What if I can’t satisfy her? I don’t want to lose such a great opportunity in love.

I somehow (I will never know how to this day) got up the nerve to tell her about everything over the phone. Amazingly enough, she understands. She says we’ll work things out when we need to. I’m shocked, in awe, and simply ecstatic. So we eventually had sex. Our sex was more like lesbian sex, a lot of fingering, a LOT of oral, etc.

Now, I don’t know if its my brain malfunctioning, but I’ve always WANTED to have “normal” male/female sex. You know, penis in vagina. I don’t know if its a “feelings of inadequacy” thing, or what. So I’ve been looking at hollow strap-on harness sets like Vac-U-Lock. I’m wondering if you know of a good one to use. My main concern is the quality of the attachment, since her pleasure is paramount for me. I don’t want to get a very rigid/plastic-y dong attachment, since the whole reason for this is me giving HER pleasure. I want to be able to do all the positions that normal people do, but I can’t.

I hope you read this far, if you did, thank you. I know you’ll be able to point me in the right direction. Thank you for not judging, thank you for educating and entertaining. You are the best.

Does Penis Size Matter? Answer

First off thanks for watching and supporting what I do!

As for the question, what you are experiencing is fairly common.  I receive emails from males in your same situation at least 5 -10 times a week, so you are definitely not alone in it.

I also wanted to let you know how proud I am that you got up the courage to talk to your partner and be honest with how you felt and what you were going through. It must have been very difficult for you and something most would just shy away from. As I’ve tried to stress before, communication is key to making things work, and your being willing to be open and honest with her will go a long way in building a foundation of trust and understanding.

The best advice I can give when it comes to your feelings of inadequacy is to let you know that as long as you are able to please her orally or by manual stimulation (fingering) then you haven’t too much to worry about.  Keep in mind that majority of women (around 70%) get off from clitoral stimulation, not from penetration.  That’s why I always say it’s not your dick that’s the source of your power. Funnily enough, judging from the letters I receive from many females the majority of men don’t know what to do with their “normal” sized dicks anyways… or fingers, or mouth for that matter.

As for your interest in strap-on’s, is there any particular reason that you were thinking of a Vac-U-Lock?   I only ask because they usually aren’t the “better” brand.

With Vac-U-Lock you will need to purchase the “plug“, harness as well as the dildo/dong attachments (usually separately) and unfortunately it is only compatible with other Vac-U-Lock products.

Aside from that, they’re usually only made out of jelly materials (which are porous and absorb bodily fluids, lube and bacteria).

Where the harness is concerned I suggest you stay away from the plastic, rubbery feeling ones as they either tend to rub on the skin a little too much or trap the sweat underneath causing the product to either stick to you (not comfortably) or slide around.

There are many other products available on the market that I think could do the job while also providing some stimulation for you, without being too big or bulky, falling off, or only being compatible with one another.

You may want to also think about penis extensions,  they can be more comfortable as well as have a more realistic feel and look to them.

Also, considering the fact that the g-spot is located between 1-3 inches inside the vagina you don’t need to have a large penis to stimulate it.  In fact, it’s often those with “smaller” penises that tend to offer the most stimulation for women where g-spot stimulation and penetration are concerned. That being said you may want to consider something that adds girth and not length like a sleeve.

With the different suggestions you may have to try a few and see what works best for you. Do your best to not be discouraged if a product doesn’t work out the way you wanted or hoped, instead, try something new, make it fun and realize many men have had to go through this as well.

I’ve posted a bunch of images below of the products I’d personally suggest, feel free to shop on my new toy site, or to take the suggestions and shop around for better prices elsewhere. I’m not in it for the money, only to help out where I can.

Before I go I’d also like for you to consider that unless she has said something to you about it, she may actually be comfortable with the size of your penis.  Not all females care about penis size, or want a large penis, instead they care about the level of intimacy and comfort they have with their partner.

Sleeves and Extensions

*if you have allergies always check the material before purchasing.

 

 

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