I recently got into a new relationship and we’re planning on having sex soon (I’m a gay male by the way). The problem is that I’m not that experienced, both with partners and toys (and condoms for that matter). I’d like some help where lube and condoms are concerned. Do you have any lubes that you’d personally recommend, preferably silicone for anal play?
Also, would you have any flavored lubes that you’d recommend? We’ve tried a bunch of cheap samples we bought at a local novelty store and they were all pretty gross. Most of them were really thick, sickly sweet, and kinda burned our mouths. We obviously don’t need them to have a good time, but sometimes it’s fun to try new things. Any suggestions would be great.
Finally, I’m not that sexually experienced and quite nervous. Do you have any tips for a first timer?
Whether it’s anal, vaginal, or otherwise, first times can be overwhelming and scary. Trust me I know, I’ve been there. At some point we all have. With that in mind, the discomfort you may encounter during first time anal sex could be minimum or very intense depending on how relaxed you are. It’s for this reason that I created a post on anal sex tips for beginners, all designed to help make things a bit more comfortable and fun. I suggest reading the full post just so you’re not missing anything. In the meantime, I’ve copied the most valuable info below.
Sh*t Happens… Sometimes.
Before I get into the how-to’s of comfortable butt play, I think it’s worth mentioning the one thing most people are afraid of… having their partner remove whatever they’ve inserted and it being covered in shit. Yes, I really did write that and I really am going there.
The truth of the matter is sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn’t. It can be as little as a tiny speck or a lot (though that’s usually not the case), sometimes there’s nothing at all. Diet can have an affect, as can how recently your last bowel movement was. If it’s something you’re really worried about make sure to go beforehand, don’t eat foods that you know make you feel gassy or have to go (avoid fatty, fried, and spicy food as well as caffeine), and try using a quality douche to clean yourself out.
At the end of the day any time you engage in butt play there’s a chance shit will happen. It’s normal, natural, and should be expected. Sure, it can be embarrassing but if you’re having sex with a great lover that’s mature, understanding, and informed, it doesn’t have to be.
Now that that’s said and done let’s get on to questions at hand…
First Time Anal Sex Tips
Before engaging in full anal penetration it’s a good idea to take some time to warm up; relaxing breathing exercises, meditating, and getting comfortable with your partner will prove helpful in the long run. Remember, the more relaxed you are the more relaxed your muscles will be. This will go a long way when it comes to inserting a toy, finger, or penis comfortably.
After you’ve added some lube, add a finger and just a finger; trying to insert a penis right off the bat can be a shock to the system. Likewise, going too fast too soon can cause you to tense up, leading to a painful experience rather then a enjoyable one. By using a finger you prep the body, stretch the muscles, and allow yourself time to get used to the feeling.
Once the finger is inserted, have your partner leave it there until you’re totally comfortable and relaxed. Tell them not to thrust or move it around… just insert it and leave it.
When you’re ready have them slowly remove the finger. Doing it quickly can cause you to tense up, so make sure to go slow. From there I suggest adding more lube and a toy. You’ll want one that’s on the smaller side, flexible, made of 100% silicone, and has a flared base like the Small Tantus Silk (pictured right). This will give you the opportunity to work up to something larger with minimal discomfort.
Whether you decide to continue with a finger, toy, or penis, have them thrust gently in the beginning. Take your time, relax into it, and try to enjoy the moment.
I know we see the people of porn taking it like champs, but they’re trained professionals. It’s what they do for a living. You’re not expected to take a pounding the first time around. It’ll likely take a few tries, or maybe you won’t ever feel comfortable doing that. Either way, it’s totally okay and normal.
If you’re partner is having a hard time inserting, try doing it doggy style. This may make it easier as you’re the one determining how far it gets inserted and at what speed. Simply have your partner on their knees staying as still as they can. Then slowly back up onto it. Once they’re inside you can find a pace and depth that’s comfortable for you.
Finally, be gentle with yourself and know that if at any time you want to stop there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s your body, you get to call the shots.
The Best Condoms And Lube For Anal Sex
Silicone Lube Options
Since the anus doesn’t self lubricate you’re definitely going to want to invest in some good quality lube. Most silicone lubes are very similar; they’re condom compatible, will maintain a slippery consistency and wont dry out like water based lubes, are tasteless and odourless, are glycerin/paraben free, and are great for use in the shower. Personally I use Sliquid Silver, Premium System Jo, Sliquid Silk, or Pjur. They’re all affordable, quality lubes, made by companies I trust.
If you’re wary of pain and want something that will relax your butt without numbing the area (which can be dangerous since you’re unable to feel tearing), I highly suggest Analyse Me Spray by Pjur. I’ve also heard really great things about Intimate Earth Ease Lube (pictured left). Rather than using benzocaine or lidocain (numbing agents), Intimate Earth uses Bisabolol (a component of chamomile essential oil) which will relax the area while also potentially providing anti-irritant, anti-inflammatory, and anti-microbial benefits.
Of course there are some drawbacks to using silicone lubes; they have the potential to stain fabrics, you’ll need soap and water to fully remove them, and they can break down silicone toys. If you’re nervous about ruining a toy just do a patch test on the bottom of it to see if it’ll be an issue.
Water Based Lube Options
I know you specifically asked for silicone lubes, but I figure it’s always good to have options.
For water based I tend to go with Sliquid H20 because it doesn’t have the shitty chemicals most others do (the people behind the company focus on body safe ingredients so that helps). It also doesn’t get sticky or tacky quickly. It still will a bit, all water based lubes do, but it’s not as bad. If it starts to dry you can easily use spit or water to get it slippery again. When I’m out of Sliquid I use Pjur Med Natural Glide Water Based Lube (pictured right) or Slippery Stuff it’s more of a gel consistency but melts quickly with body heat.
Flavored Lube Options
As for flavored lubes System Jo and Sliquid Swirl are great if you like fruitier flavors. If you’d prefer something that tastes like dessert Wet Warming Desserts and Wicked Sensual Care have the biggest varieties.
Cherry Vanilla Sliquid (pictured left) is my favourite (check my Cherry Vanilla Sliquid Review here). It’s light and fruity with a hint of vanilla. Not at all thick or gross, and didn’t leave a bad after taste. More than that it didn’t burn my throat or tongue. If you want to sample them before investing in a larger size, the Lip Lickers Cube from Sliquid has 4 different flavours you can try. I can’t recommend Sliquid enough!
Wicked Sensual Care has 10 different dessert flavored lubes with most of them being what you’d typically expect. From Salted Caramel to Vanilla Bean, Cinnamon Bun to Candy Apple, they’ve got all the bases covered. With regard to price points, they come in two different sizes so you don’t have to break the bank if you’re not sure about a flavor. I find they’re a bit sweeter, not too syrupy (considering the flavors), have a nice consistency (not sticky or tacky), and a little goes a really long way.
Going back to 2010, System Jo made the first flavored lubes I really liked. The flavors are light, the lube isn’t too thick or goopey, and the feeling is more like a slippery silicone lube than water based. My faves are Chocolate Delight (my review), Tangerine Dream (it tastes like a Creamsicle), and Banana Lick. They also just came out with a ‘Candy Shop’ line, I’m excited to try the Cotton Candy and Butterscotch flavors. There’s a whole bunch more on the System JO website. If you want a bit more info here’s my review of System Jo fruit flavors.
Condoms I’d Recommend
Condom wise, you’ll likely want one that’s barely there. If neither of you have a latex allergy you should enjoy One Vanish, Skyn, Kimono Micro Thin, and Trojan Bareskin. I’ve tried them all and think they’re some of the best around. You can usually find good deals on the Undercover Condoms website in their ‘bulk’ section.
Even though you’ll be using lube you’ll benefit from lubricated condoms as they’ll reduce any chance of friction. Just make sure not to use one that has Nonoxynol-9 as it can actually increase your chances of contracting an STD/STI. Also, don’t go for Magnums unless you absolutely need the larger size. An improper fit can slip off during intercourse, which defeats the purpose of wearing it in the first place. If you’re not sure what size will work best for your needs, this condom sizing guide should help. There’s also my succinct beginners condom guide.
Hopefully this post helped you to not only find a lube and condoms that works for your needs, but also gave you some valuable information on how to make your first time an enjoyable one.
I linked you to the places I shop online, support and trust. If you’d prefer to shop somewhere for reasons of discretion I’ve also linked to Amazon. If you find any of the products I’ve mentioned cheaper elsewhere please let me know so I can pass on the savings other readers.
Sit back, relax, let me come to you. Sign up through the form below and have my posts sent straight to your inbox. Don’t worry, I promise not to spam you!