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Crystal Delights Sex Toy Haul

After the fun I had creating my Tantus Haul video I figured I’d do more of the same. So, in a fit of inspiration I tore through my toy bin(s) searching for anything else I had an abundance of; from Fleshlights, to Lelo’s, to Divine Interventions, to Fun Factory toys, there was a plethora of goodies to work with.

Torn by where I should start, I decided my first haul video of 2014 would showcase products by a company I’ve adored for last 4 years, one that is very near and dear to my heart, Crystal Delights.

Why the love for Crystal Delights you ask?… each piece is hand made in the USA with an emphasis on quality and craftsmanship, the glass they use is Borosilicate making them much stronger than typical glass products, they’re hypoallergenic, hygienic, non-toxic, phthalate and latex free, easy to care for an clean, warm to body temperature nicely, don’t require a lot of lube, don’t absorb bodily fluids, lube, or bacteria, are great for sensory temperature play, and will last a lifetime if you treat them well. Which you will, because you’re a respectable person like that.

Sadly, my pictures do not do them justice. They are far prettier in person.

Products within the video (in order of appearance):

Star Delight Frosted Dildo (w/ Ultra Blue Swarovski Element)
Crystal Twist (w/Heliotrope Swarovski Element)
Frosted Plug (w/ Rose Swarovski Element)
Sm & Lg Clear Plugs (w/ Rose Swarovski Element and Red Magma Swarovski Element)
Pink Pineapple (w/ Rose Swarovski Element)
Rosebud (w/ Green Swarovski Element).

Read the reviews: Star Delight Frosted Dildo, Frosted Plug, Small Clear Plug, Large Clear Plug. *The rest of the products featured in the video to be reviewed throughout 2014.

Note To Readers: If you’re a little freaked out by the thought of putting glass sex toys in your bits, not to fret. Each Crystal Delight is made of Borosilicate glass, a medical/pharma grade glass often selected for its durability and ability to withstand high temperatures/pressures. I know there’s many of you still dead set on avoiding glass toys, so as my final plea let me just share two little facts with you… one, it takes more than 1,500 lbs of pressure to bend (snap) a 1″ bar of Borosilicate glass, and two, the crush weight is somewhere in the range of 8 tonnes! So unless you chip them, which you wont… because you’re not a horrible person that likes to throw glass sex toys at brick walls, they are TOTALLY SAFE FOR USE.

Not in the video, but other goodies you’ll definitely want to check out: (NEW) Hello Kitty Plugs, Tasha’s Reignbow Pony Plugs, Crystal Minx Bunny Tail Plug, Crystal Minx Faux Tail Plug, Colors Against Cancer collection, Jada Stevens Spade Plug.

LOOK AT ALL THOSE HELLO KITTIES! photo credit: Crystal Delights

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Review: Tantus Neo, Juice, & Twist

Butt Play, Product Reviews, SheVibe, Tantus Inc

After my recent success with the Tantus Meteorite I figured it was time I pushed the boundaries even further. So, ready to embark on a challenge far greater than the last, I pulled the Tantus Juice, Twist and Neo out of their packaging and laid them before me. As I contemplated exactly what it was I was about to do, three words chanted like a mantra in my head: Git. ‘Er. Done.

Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t dream of doing something like this; three plugs, larger than most I’ve tried, all in one sitting. But considering they’re made by Tantus, and were sent to me by one of my absolute favorite retailers, SheVibe, I decided it was worth pushing past my comfort zone for. You’d think I’d have learned after the Tantus T-Rex. Nope. I’m clearly a glutton for punishment.

The Good

Before I break down my experiences, here’s all the good stuff they have in common:

Unlike the wide top of the the Tantus Ryder, the tips of Juice and Neo are gently pointed, making the initial insertion far easier and much more comfortable. Twist on the other hand is more of a gently rounded corkscrew.

They aren’t as flexible as the Meteorite. Sounds like a con, I know. However it is not. The firmness was what made them doable. Being bendy isn’t always a good thing.

The base is probably the best I’ve ever found on an anal toy. It’s not rectangular or round, but instead an interesting anchor shape that fit in my butt crack nicely. For the most part I hardly felt it. On a couple instances I actually stopped to check and see if it was still there. More of this please.

They’re totally body safe. We’re talking hypoallergenic, hygienic, non-toxic, phthalate and latex free, odourless, tasteless, bleachable, boilable and for the most part virtually non-porous. If you want quality, you want Tantus.

Even though they’re thick, there’s still a fair bit of squish and give. Cushioning makes my ass happy.

Unlike other silicones the texture is satiny smooth, supple, and matte, limiting the amount of drag on the skin.

The bulbous shaft is tapered, gently graduating in girth from around 3.25“ inches to 4.25“ inches in the middle, back down to around 4“ inches, and finally settling in at just under 2″ inches for the bottom quarter. In my experience, that last portion was what kept them in place and made them comfortable. Without it they probably would have been too overwhelming to use for a decent period of time.

Each of the plugs measures 4″ inches in length, that’s a 1/2″ inch shorter than the Meteorite, but 1/4″ inch longer than the Little Flirt. Let’s just say it’s a happy medium.

They don’t attract lint like other, glossier, silicones. If you follow my reviews, you’ll know this matters to me.

This last bit is of no significant importance but I’m including it because I can; the colors are true colors. As in, the purple is really purple, not some pink-trying-be-purple-but-not-really-purple-cause-there’s-too-much-pink like you’ll find with other companies. I appreciate this.

Comparison

An easy challenge this was not. While the differences are apparent from just looking at them, experiencing them first hand was something else. For starters, each of the plugs are significantly girthier than my previous challenger, the Meteorite. We’re talking a whole inch difference. For some of you this will seem measly, but for me it was enough to require patience, perseverance, dedication, breathing techniques, and lube… an obnoxious amount of lube. Note to self: buy more Sliquid Sea a.s.a.p.

FYI: In an attempt to have a well rounded experience I usually ‘test’ toys a handful of times, choosing then to write my reviews based on those most memorable or similar (and therefore a ‘generality’). In this case I was able to use Neo and Juice on multiple occasions. Twist however, I struggled with continuously and was only able to get it fully in once. The rest of the time my ass just fought with it mercilessly until I gave up. Bare that in mind when you make your purchasing decisions.

Tantus Neo

Judging by appearances I went for Neo first. It seemed the least intimidating of the three, and with no textures, the one most likely to enter without a struggle. Sadly, I was wrong. It wasn’t all bad though; the tip found its way almost instantly and with some pressure, the first 1/4 slowly slid into place. From there on it was a bit of an undertaking.

At first I couldn’t relax. The impending girth had me fearing for my sphincter, causing me to tense and clench. Not what you want to have happen when you’re trying to shove something in your butt. Then came a considerable amount of start, stop, remove, add lube, start, stop, remove, add lube (you get the picture), until I finally had it half way in. At that point I had to pause, leave it alone, and allow my body to get used to the sensation as shoving it in would likely prove futile. Then in one fell swoop, I reached back and pushed, landing in place with a slight popping sensation. Almost instantly my body breathed a heavy sigh of relief.

The size was fulfilling without being too much, and the portion holding it there was surprisingly comfortable. Not at all what I expected considering the amount of effort it took to get it in. As I moved I could feel it inside me, but there was no jabbing, ‘stretching’, or discomfort. Instead, it was satisfying. With everything I had been through, I think this was a well earned result.

Also not surprising was the way the base fit in place, on three separate occasions I had to stop what I was doing and wiggle around to see if it was still there. This was a new experience for me as many butt toys (with thicker bases) often leave me feeling as if my butt’s being spread far and wide.

When it came time for removal the process was fairly simple; I gently slipped two fingers underneath the anchored base and pulled steadily. Unlike its entrance, Neo slid out with a minimal amount of hesitation. In retrospect I can honestly say this was one of the more intense experiences I’ve had in my reviewing career. Bravo, Tantus. Bravo.

Who Will Like It

People who have worked up from something thinner and are looking to explore, those that like a full feeling with little to no texture, anyone that’s tried the Tantus Ryder, loved it, but found the head continually hard to insert (being that it’s fully rounded and not ‘pointed’), or those that prefer medium sized plugs over probes.

Tantus Juice

Next up was the Tantus Juice, a plug akin to Neo. The main difference? Rather than a smooth untextured surface, Juice has a ribbed body similar to that of a deflated punch balloon, making my venture slightly more interesting.

While I’ll admit that having Neo to ready myself beforehand probably helped, it seemed as though the ribbing itself offered a bit more squish, give, and room for my ass to maneuver. Quite surprisingly it glided into place within a minimum amount of force or effort. The entire time I could feel the textures adding a new level of stimulation and pleasure. Sadly though, once inserted it was as if the ribs didn’t exist. I could feel them if I focused, but for the most part internally it felt just like Neo. Very weird.

As for the rest of my experience with Juice, everything was almost identical to Neo; it was comfortable to wear, at no point did I feel ‘stretched out’, the base fit perfectly, and removal was stress free. With how smooth things went, I wish there was more to report. Though I’ll admit, if I had to choose between Neo and Juice, I’d definitely opt for the latter.

Who Will Like It

People that enjoy slight texturing, a feeling of fullness, and everything Neo has to offer.

Tantus Twist

How do I say this nicely… I am not fond of the Tantus Twist.

In fact, it’s probably my least favorite of any butt toy I’ve reviewed thus far; the coiled body made getting it in place fairly difficult, and as each bump slid into place, my body offered more and more resistance until it became nearly unbearable. Good thing I like a challenge.

On that note, don’t try twirling it like you would the Crystal Delights twist, the base on Tantus’s version makes it almost impossible. Rather than a quick spin and insertion, you’ll likely find the base continually jabbing you with each go round. And while this does make the plugs body slightly easier to work in, eventually you’ll end up at a point where the base is stuck between your ass cheeks and just won’t turn anymore. Having a toy jammed in my crack before the rest of it is entirely inserted, no thank you.

Also, if you don’t use enough lube and try to twist it, you’ll likely feel like something is pulling at your hole. Ouch. Eventually I had to remove it entirely (we’ll get to the removal in a minute) and start from scratch. You cannot imagine my disdain. Let’s just say I wasn’t overly impressed with myself, my ass, or Twist by this point.

After much deliberation I finally managed to get it in, however once inserted, the ripples felt kind of odd. I mean, I could feel them, but every time I moved I couldn’t help but think I had crammed corrugated cardboard in my ass. Not pleasurable, and certainly not what I was hoping for.

Unfortunately my misfortune didn’t stop there, when it came time to take Twist out I struggled almost as much as I did putting it in; each bump felt as bad, if not worse, as it did during insertion. AND I DID THIS TWICE. The things I do for you people. The only saving grace was the fact that I knew once it was out, it was over. Sweet relief, why must you come in the form of a removed butt plug?

Who Will Like It

Those that are really experienced with anal play and really love textures, anyone that wants to ‘try something new’, persons who aren’t afraid of a challenge, those that like the sensations anal beads provide.

The Bad

Despite what most websites selling these three say I don’t think they’d be good for ‘beginners’. Someone who’s explored with fingers, yes. Someone that’s experienced with smaller, thinner butt plugs and wants something a larger than a finger but smaller than a breadbox, yup. Someone that’s had anal sex, enjoyed it, and wants a plug to play with, most def. But a person that’s new to the scene, hasn’t had many opportunities to put things in their butt, be it a finger, plug, penis, or otherwise, likely not.

As someone that knows her body, has spent the past 7 years putting things in her ass for ‘science’, I can honestly say these were a tad too large my first few goes round. If they were too large for me, I can only imagine what they’d feel like to someone that has no idea what they’re doing. If you’re not sure where to start my ‘Beginners Guide To Butt Play‘ might come in handy.

Other than that I don’t have much to complain about. They’re luxurious as far as anal plugs go, they just weren’t my ideal. I’m working on it.

Care & Cleaning

Because they’re all crafted out of medical grade silicone, and therefore wont retain bodily fluids, lube or bacteria, they don’t require heavy duty cleaning many lesser products would. Simply give them a good wash with mild soap and water and let them sit to air dry.

Or, if you’re a clean freak and can’t stand the thought of something that’s been in your ass coming into contact with anything else, you can boil them in water for 3 minutes, toss ’em in your dishwasher, or wash them with a 10% bleach solution. Though honestly, it’s pretty unnecessary.

Also, because Juice and Twist are quite textured there’s a lot of opportunity for bodily fluids, lube, bacteria, and ‘stuff’ to collect. They won’t absorb into silicone and don’t pose any real risks, but it does mean you’ll need to pay a bit more consideration when cleaning.

Final Verdict

At the end of the day, and knowing Tantus like I do, I don’t think these are bad plugs. On the contrary. Even with my personal struggles I think they’re shining examples of what high quality butt plugs should be; they’re crafted out of medical grade silicone making them totally body safe, are silky smooth to the touch, don’t drag on the skin, have a base that makes them exceptionally comfortable to wear, don’t attract lint, bare pointy tips to help make insertion easier than most, and will last a lifetime with a minimal amount of care. Unfortunately, they’re just too for me, right now. Like I said, I’m working on it.

Considering all that, I’d certainly suggest them. I’d just make sure to point out all the differences so anyone interested would know what to buy… if you like a medium plug that’s fairly basic, grab a Neo.

If you want something the same size, with a slight amount of texturing adding some fun sensations, pick up a Juice.

For those brave souls that don’t back down when the going gets tough, Twist will be your new favorite.

Otherwise, when it comes to butt plugs, you’ve certainly got a lot of other options to choose from over at SheVibe.

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Review: Tantus Meteorite Butt Plug

Butt Play, Product Reviews, Tantus Inc

For as willing as I am, my foray into butt play hasn’t been easy; instead of accepting toys readily some part of me seems to reject them.

It’s not that I don’t like the sensation, or that I’m grossed out. It’s not that I have a mental hang up when it comes to anal play. It’s not even that I’m afraid it’ll hurt, nine and a half times out of ten it doesn’t. In all honesty, I really don’t know what the deal is. I just know that initially there’s an invisible wall between my butt and toys that I struggle to get past. I do ‘get there’ eventually, but it’s usually a lengthy process.

Not surprisingly, where plugs and probes are concerned, I tend to err on the side of small and silicone. I don’t attempt to cram things in my body before I’m ready. I don’t expose myself to unreasonable challenges hoping for a miracle. And although I enjoy the full feeling I get from small Crystal Delights glass plugs, I tend to reserve them for special occasions used only after I’ve worked myself up from something else.

This time, I went straight to the Meteorite. No prepping. No long and drawn out relaxation techniques. No pre-inserted toys just for good measure. No fingers. No foreplay. Just me and the Meteorite, ass to plug in a game of win, lose, or draw. Like they say, go big or go home.

The Good

Armed with a half empty bottle of Sliquid H2O, a big glass of Cab Merlot, a steady hand, some new found determination, and the Meteorite, I settled in ready for a challenge.

From the start everything was far better than I expected; the lube flowed, my butt agreed, and the Meteorite entered. It wasn’t scary or overwhelming. My body didn’t tense like usual. Finding the hole was quick and easy (yep, I’m going there). Getting it in was a breeze. And once in place, felt extremely comfortable. This was by no means a ‘typical’ experience for me, quite the opposite actually.

Of course I can’t take all the credit, the benefits and features the Meteorite has to offer had a lot to do with my success.

First and foremost, the size was perfect for my body. Measuring 5″ in total length, with 4.5″ of that being fully insertable, it’s neither too big, nor too small. And while it’s the second longest I’ve tried to date (I know, I’m a puss), it felt considerably smaller. If you’ve ever stuffed something a little too long in your butt, only to be met with a feeling of being internally prodded, you’ll likely know what I’m talking about. Not the case with the Meteorite. I felt it, but it wasn’t overwhelming, painful, or obtrusive.

Regarding girth, the shaft starts with a gently rounded tapered tip that’s 1.25″ around, gradually progresses just below the middle to 3.25″, then decreases to 2.75″. Like the length, the body isn’t overly large or intimidating, and even at its thickest was still narrow enough to fit nicely without feeling like I was being ‘stretched out’. I found it similar to a middle finger, just not a dainty one.

Adding to the experience was a very flexible, smooth, squishy and supple silicone body. For most this wont seem like something that would make much of a difference, but anytime I gyrated it moved with me. This is a good thing. No matter what position or how I shifted weight, using it remained exceptionally comfortable

Of the things I dislike about many butt toys, the typical round base is the one that irks me most. Sure, they makes them wearable in harnesses and work well at keeping them in my butt, but other than that I find them annoying. For the most part, they make my ass cheeks feel like they’re being spread far and wide. Not only is this uncomfortable, it leaves me feeling a tad exposed. Thankfully the base on the Meteorite is rectangular and not too wide so it fits nicely in my crack without being awkward, a vast improvement from others. It’s even thinner than the Lil flirt. #winning

As far as appearances go, with the exception of the glittery Vixen Creations Buddy, the shading options you’ll find at Babes ‘n Horny, the capsule pill like plugs BS is Nice creates, the stunning Swarovski beauties Crystal Delights designs, or the ones Ceramix makes, Meteorite is probably one of the most attractive around. Each of the 3 opaque colors stands out beautifully on its own, then gently blends a light lime green, neonish orange and pretty florescent purply pink in a cool subtly ombre effect. Also, the opaque sheen makes it look like it has a layer of crushed sparkles covering it. I tried to take a picture to show you all (above right), but sadly my camera does not do it justice. Tantus, more of this please.

Finally, it’s crafted out of some of the best silicone on the market. None of that some-part-of-it-is-silicone-so-we’re-gonna-call-it-silicone-even-though-it’s-really-just-jelly bullshit. What you have here is hypoallergenic, hygienic, non-toxic, phthalate and latex free, odorless, tasteless, and totally safe for the body. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, there are many reasons I love Tantus, their quality is a big one.

Alternatively, if you’re not very experienced with vaginal insertion and want a product that could potentially help you get used to the feeling, I think the Meteorite would be perfect. I didn’t get too much of a kick out of using it this way, but I’m sure there are some of you that will.

rectangle base

size comparison

lil flirt vs meteorite

packaging

The Bad

Having said all that, aside from the gorgeous appearance it’s pretty simple. There’s no texturing for added sensations like the Zing, Juice, Twist, or Small Ripple, and rather than having a heavily bulged body to create a full feeling, it’s fairly thin. If they were hoping to create a toy perfect for anyone wanting something longer than the Lil Flirt, without being intimidating, I personally think they nailed it. But I also wouldn’t be surprised many find this plug a tad on the bland side.

Because the shaft is relatively thin there isn’t much to grab hold of, and instead of staying put, I found it constantly wanted to slip out… though I’ll admit that’s a common occurrence for me. On one occasion it actually felt like it ‘popped’ out (not pooped, that’s different). In trying to find a solution I tested a bunch of ideas, none of which helped; clenching my butt together just made me feel like I was trying to hold in a poop, jamming it as close to my body as possible felt like I had underwear riding up my crack, and holding it in place was awkward and distracting. With everything said and done the only thing that made a difference was sitting on it. Not an ideal solution for use while having sex, but if you’re creative you can find a way to make it work.

Although the flexible shaft made things comfortable once it was in, there were a few instances when getting past the first quarter was a challenge; because it wasn’t firm (which would allow me to push against it without it moving), anytime I shifted my weight it bent awkwardly so that I had to stop and reposition. Not a huge deal, but having to continually start and stop just to get it fully inserted was slightly annoying.

You’re also going to need a lot of lube. If you don’t, there will be drag on the skin. Not necessarily a ‘con’ that’s specific to the Meteorite, you’ll get it with most silicone toys, but something you’ll need to keep in mind.

Also, it attracts lint.

bendy tip

flexible body

full bend

Care & Cleaning

Because it’s crafted out of medical grade silicone, and therefore wont retain bodily fluids, lube or bacteria, it doesn’t require heavy duty cleaning many lesser products would. Simply give it a good wash with mild soap and water and let it sit to air dry. Or, if you’re a clean freak and can’t stand the thought of something that’s been in your ass coming into contact with anything else, you can boil it in water for 3 minutes, toss it in your dishwasher, or wash it with a 10% bleach solution. Though honestly, it’s pretty unnecessary.

Final Verdict

If you’re like me and still feel a little wary when it comes to butt toys, but are brave enough to explore, do your self a favor and invest in the Tantus Meteorite, it’s got a lot going for it; the body safe silicone is supple with a nice amount of squish providing a lovely cushioned feeling, the shaft is surprisingly flexible and once fully inserted moves with the body comfortably, the thin tip is gently rounded so getting it in place is quick and easy, and the tapered body helps it to slip inside effortlessly. It also comes in black.

All things considered, it’s one of the better designed products I’ve come across, even if it does seem a little basic.

If on the other hand you want something that provides different means of stimulation (size and textures to boot!), snag yourself a small or large Ripple, Zing, or Juice. They’re all made by Tantus and have the same level of quality the company has become known for, with an added bit of consideration paid to sensations.

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Review: Lelo Ida

Couples Toys & Games, Lelo, Product Reviews, Vibes

After watching the promotional video for Ida & Tara, Lelo’s newest couples toy, the little sex toy hoarder living in my head desperately whispered… you need to have that.

I told it that I didn’t. That there were other things to covet. That I had my sights on another precious. That it had misled me before, and that because of past indiscretions I wasn’t sure I could trust it again. Yet each and every time I heard someone tweeting or talking about it, there was that familiar hushed voice growing ever more determined… you need to have it.

You just, need to have it.

So, when the lovely Carlyle Jensen of Toronto based sex toy shop Good For Her asked if I’d like to review it, the little voice screamed YES! …and with my own curiosities peaked, I really couldn’t say no.

Packaging

As with every other LELO product I’ve reviewed, the packaging is professional, respectful and ’boutique’ in appearance. The box is sleek, glossy, modern, and classy, with no tacky photos or cheesy slogans to detract from the level of quality the company has come to be known for.

Once open you’ll find a matte cardboard box that cradles both the remote and vibe within a velvety tray. There’s also a small compartment hiding a set of batteries, charging cord, key to open and close the battery cover, registration card for warranty, and instruction book.

For the record I love Lelo’s packaging; it keeps everything in one neat little lint free place, cords, batteries, lube and all, so I never have to rummage through drawers trying to find all the parts and pieces. On that note, do yourself a favor and hold onto it. It’ll likely serve you well in the long run.

outer package

inner & outer box

toy tray & outer box

the full shebang

Personal Experience

Having previously reviewed the Tiani 2, another Lelo vibe with a disc like remote, I was familiar with how Ida worked… or at least I thought I was.

And so I laid, a piece of silicone stuffed lifeless inside me, arm flailing like a maniac having a carpal tunnel fit, cursing every dirty word I knew, hoping against all odds I’d remember and like one of Oprah’s signature ‘Aha! moments‘, miraculously figure it out. As if that wasn’t awkward enough, I caught sight of my partner standing in the middle of room staring at me mid remote controlled flail, looking confused, horrified and amused. After the fact he said he was seriously considering calling 911. Suffice to say, I’ll not make that mistake again. Instructions, people. Even when you think you know better, always read the instructions. And lock the door.

Good luck trying to find these in the dark, or when lubed hands are at the helm

Feeling like a total failure I decided it would be in my best interest to forgo the remote and try the vibe on its own. This posed its own set of problems… the power button is located on the side of the rounded base, which is fine, except that each time you want to switch settings (there’s 6 of them), the entire vibe must be removed. Sure, you could spend a good 10 minutes aimlessly running lubed fingers around the base, feverishly searching for tiny and impossible to find embossed ridges, only to continuously land on the charging port instead. But that would be foolish. Removing it would certainly be easier. And far more time effective. You’d think I’d have learned by now.

Thankfully there’s a silver lining to my lack of common sense… it was during this constant insertion and removal that I came to realize how Ida works best; because the base was too short to rest on the clitoris and offer direct stimulation, placing the edge of it on the clit while slowly rocking with a hand cupped over the the base, so the arm penetrates in a gentle gliding motion, I was able to bring myself to orgasm.

Assuming I was on to something, I tested this method 3 times over the next few days and was thankfully met with the same result; a slowly built release that left a pleasurable and steady wave of orgasmic contractions. Was it a bit more involved than I hoped? Yup. Was it mind blowing or intense? No. But it was effective. That’s better than nothing, right?

a full fingers worth, plus a bit

For as determined as I am there were times when my wrist started to cramp and I had to stop, rather than giving up and grabbing my Hitachi, I laid there like a lazy little bitch and let Ida twirl away. The rhythmic pressure felt nice as it gently stroked my g-spot and the vibrations did their thing on my vulva, but there was something that lingered… something not quite right… something was missing… then BAM! it hit me, I couldn’t help but notice the arm was pretty wimpy size wise. Even for someone that isn’t a size queen, measuring 3 inches in circumference at its thickest, and 3.5′ inches insertable, it isn’t very impressive. Granted Ida is meant to be a couples toy, so the thinner the better, but in this case, I was left wanting. If I had to compare it to something, I’d say the thickness is pretty close to having a finger inside you. Maybe two, but that’s pushing it.

As for prostate use, my tester said he could feel it and it was comfortably good, but that the wide, thick, and firm base was hard to get used to between his ass cheeks and that finding a good angle while sitting was a bit trying (he’s used to flexible silicone, so that may be more him than the product). I tried it this way myself… it’s an interesting sensation, a little weird at first, then fairly pleasurable. Though I’ll admit, I had the same issue with the base until I wedged it between my butt cheeks and clenched like my life depended on it. Not ideal, but it’ll do.

Partner Use

Unfortunately partner use is where things start to get really tricky, and by tricky I mean worse; once Ida is inserted it’s rather difficult to get a partner in, especially if they’re wearing a condom. In fact, if they’re wearing a condom don’t even bother, it’ll likely end badly – as per the one condom that went missing, and the other that pulled and eventually tore. Yes, we found the lost one, but still. This is not okay.

On that note, I know that Ida was a product designed for couples, couples that presumably don’t use condoms anymore. But for those of us that do, it’s a righteous pain the ass, on top of being worrisome and disappointing. There should be a warning about this somewhere, yet there is not. Lelo, please fix this.

Lack of a condom makes the experience arguably less frustrating, but it’s still awkward and requires effort, lots of lube, a lot of foreplay, and even more patience and perseverance. Getting a rhythmic thrusting going wasn’t easy either, I had to hold Ida in place to keep it from slipping when he pulled out, discouraging to say the least. Of course this wasn’t the only let down; rather than providing ‘more pleasure for him‘, with each thrust (when we could finally manage it, they were few and far between), he was met with the firm base hitting his pelvis. Grinding was no better, the base dug into him awkwardly until he finally asked if we could stop. Even though changing angles and positions provided different results, it’s safe to say Ida isn’t something he’d opt to use again given the choice.

As for the rotations, I could feel them, but it wasn’t what I expected… there was pressure internally, but it was muted, almost like an afterthought, and didn’t add that much to the experience. Externally I felt the vibrations, but I was concentrating so hard on keeping it in place and trying to feel the rotations that I didn’t pay them the attention they deserved.

my allies in defeat

Certain it was just my partner or the way we have sex, I armed myself with a handful of dildos of varying sizes/materials and settled in to prove myself right. For the record, there is nothing like an angry sex hoarder wielding sex toys totally ready for a challenge.

Yet again, I was wrong.

Even when lubed the silicone on silicone gripped and pulled my skin or each other, making insertion and any thrusting a serious difficulty. I struggled with hard ABS plastic, wood, and glass on silicone that at first dragged, then slipped all over the place. Admittedly, a lack of lube would have solved this problem, but I can’t begin to think of the ordeal it would have been without it. Quite unexpectedly, the last set of materials also made the vibrations pitch take on a distracting buzzy tone every time they unintentionally touched the ABS plastic cover. It was an all around fail.

Now add to all of these experiences a remote, one that requires either constant movement, focus, the ability to multitask, or all of above, and you’ve got one hell of a situation going on. Maybe it’s just me, but sex shouldn’t require this much work, especially from a product that’s supposed to offer “intense satisfaction“. Their words, not mine. Don’t get me wrong, the wireless remote is fun to play with… it’s just a tad involved and seems more like a gimmick to inflate prices than anything else.

Care & Cleaning

Thankfully Ida doesn’t require a heavy duty cleaning after use, the silicone won’t absorb bodily fluids, lube or bacteria, allowing a quick wash with warm water and antibacterial soap. You’ll want to take a few extra seconds to make sure the indent around the gold cover is clean, same goes for the remote buttons. I’ve found fluids will collect around the seam, something you probably wont notice until after the fact. Also, make sure to avoid getting any water or soap in the charging socket of the toy, and that it’s dry before you plug it in to recharge, that could obviously be dangerous.

Final Verdict

Personally I think Ida has a bit of an identity crisis to work out, which is crappy since I’ve had really great luck with Lelo toys so far; Ella was one of the very first toys that consistently had me squirting (tmi? meh.), their dual stimulator Ina was one of my go to toys for over 3 years, and I’ve loved the first and second generation Gigi without fault. Maybe if it was thicker, and a tad longer, with a slightly higher resting base, it would make for an ideal solo toy, but as a couples vibe it comes up short. Not to mention being far too complicated.

My advice, if you want a vibrator that has the quality Lelo is known for, are in the market for something on the smaller side, that isn’t overwhelmingly powerful (i.e. NOT a Hitachi), head over to Good For Her and get yourself a Lelo Tara. Sans Ida. It’s basically the same thing without a remote, or the high price tag. If on the other hand you want something a little bit more substantial, I’d suggest snagging a Gigi 2, Ina 2, We-Vibe Touch… or if you’re dead set on a couples vibe, give the Tiani 2 a go. Or maybe the We-Vibe 4. I haven’t tried it yet, but it looks a lot more promising than what Lelo cooked up, even without the rotations.

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Review: Divine Interventions Baby Jesus Butt Plug

Butt Play, Divine Interventions, Kink/Fetish, Product Reviews

Yes, you read the title correctly. I’m reviewing a Baby Jesus Butt Plug.

Unlike my review of the Diving Nun, I’m not going to make any apologies. I’m over censoring my experiences, especially when it’s done for those who are unable to differentiate between a silicone molded sex toy called the “Virgin Mary” – for dramatic effect – and having sex with an actual crucifix (which would be wrong, since the sharp edges COULD STAB YOU IN YER BITS). If there is a product I feel like reviewing I’m going to, without shame, embarrassment, fear of retaliation, or guilt… so if you feel this deserves a warning before reading on, you can find one here.

Of course I do know that no matter where I take this review, or what I do to make light of it, many of you will be taken aback. So, in an effort to make it clear that we’re all on the same page let me just say this: I’m well aware of the potential implications and consequences sticking a little Jesus in my ass could create. Being married to someone who went to a very strict Catholic school I’ve been informed that this review in particular will practically pave a gleaming golden walkway to hell, complete with my very own fiery arches, winged apocalyptic horse drawn carriage, fanged minions, royal diamond encrusted scepter (sourced from unethical places and workers, of course), all topped off with a set of brass knuckles to rule them all… and I’m totally okay with that. At the end of the day I’ve made a living toting sex advice and slinging dildos. What’s one more silicone mold to add to the fire and brimstone?

I kid, I kid. Ugh, I’m just making it worse aren’t I?! Pffft. As if this is the very worst I could do.

p.s. if anyone can draw me the above stated scenario in graphic novel form I’d be beyond wowed.

Packaging

Like the other Divine Interventions goodies, this adorable little plug arrived swaddled in nothing more than a First Holy Communion napkin to protect it; no clam shell plastic, no flimsy cardboard box, no thin plastic bag. Literally nothing other than the shipping box. For some this may come off at cheap or impractical, but to me it’s highly appropriate, especially considering the nature of the product; if someone was come across it they wouldn’t necessarily know what it was granting you the privacy and discretion you deserve. More than that it’s cost effective and eco-friendly. Plain brown boxed Jesus for the #win.

The Good

Regarding all of the non blasphemous reasons I think the Baby Jesus Butt Plug is a grand ‘ol time:

With the exception of facial features, namely the chubby little cheeks and forehead, the silicone body is supple and smooth with a generous bit of squish and give. Even with the variety of ridges to work past, it’s not overwhelming or intimidating, instead being designed to effortlessly slide and ‘pop’ into place with a generous amount of lube… just don’t make the mistake of thinking you wont feel much, because you will… a very weird experience indeed; what you’re sensing is the total awareness of Little J’s head going in your sphincter. Thankfully the bumps aren’t obnoxious or well defined, instead working quite well as a way to gauge how far it has traveled. It’s like a built in GPS system shared between you and J. I’m smirking at the thought.

Once inserted it’s not too big nor too small, being perfect for those looking to try something larger and sleeker than the Vixen Creations Buddy, but a tad more sensational and stimulating than the Tantus Ryder (both of which are fantastic if you’re afraid to explore, but willing to try). Size wise you’re looking at 4.5″ inches in length, 3″ inches insertable, and 1.5″ inches in diameter, all of which are pretty standard measurements where butt toys are concerned. Comparatively speaking, if you like the Tantus Ryder you’ll likely find they’re pretty damn similar, with the only major differences being the texturing and tapered lower portion; size wise, their near identical matches (pictured left).

On that note, the flexible and elongated flared base is far more desirable than typical round versions as it doesn’t shift, turn, slide, or spread the ass cheeks uncomfortably apart, instead fitting with little to no discomfort. For the most part it makes itself unknown, unless you’ve never used one, in which case you’ll know it’s there, at all times. For those that like suction cup action (i.e. thwacking your product down so it stays in place allowing you to mount it), once suctioned to a flat surface it stays stuck extremely well with little to no shifting or moving (great for use in the shower or tub).

When it comes to anything you pop in your butt you’ll want to make sure it won’t absorb bodily fluids, lube or bacteria, being that Baby J is made of non-porous silicone all the bases are covered. It’s also hypoallergenic, non-toxic, phthalate and latex free… basically put, if cleanliness is next to Godliness, this may just be as close as you’ll get where ass toys are concerned. And for the record, it passed the flame test with flying colors.

Totally unrelated to the usage I have to say that the coloring is quite stunning, displaying a lovely deep Merlot hue marbled with metallic charcoal grey and black tones, all gleaming like the North Star in the night.

size comparison

flared base

A Hand Full

: Back Of Plug

The Bad

There’s a fair amount of grooves where bodily fluids, lube and debris will collect, requiring more attention when it comes to cleaning. On the plus side it’s made of quality silicone so nothing will actually absorb into it, and a 3 minute purge in boiling water will sterilize it completely.

Before I continue I just want to point out that the next ‘issue’ has absolutely no effect on the usage of the toy, instead being more of a silly-little-bizzaro-land-masochistic-perfectionist expectation than a real complaint; if I’m going to be cramming Baby Jesus in my ass, I’d like the product to resemble him so closely that I legitimately feel the guilt and shame a sinning blasphemer would. After all, isn’t that the whole point? Sadly it certainly doesn’t look like him… in all honesty, I can’t help but think it could be the potential offspring of Big Baby from Toy Story 3 and Spider Baby (a.k.a Babyface) from Toy Story 1, if that could even be a thing. Or a baby ninja turtle, without the shell and fun colored bandana of course. Either way it’s cute, but not close enough. If only the one angry eyebrow could satisfy me esthetically. *sigh*

Again, this isn’t necessarily a fault of the product, just something you’ll want to keep in mind since the ass doesn’t self lubricate, and silicone can often create a drag on the skin, you’ll need lube, and lots of it to make insertion as easy as possible. If you’re not fully relaxed, lubed or ready, yes, you’ll likely find it a tad uncomfortable, but if you follow the steps I’ve outlined here, you’ll probably be pleasantly surprised by the glorious way it makes your ass feel.

Finally, it attracts lint, fluff, pet hair, your own hair, dust, etc, etc, etc, and damn near anything else that it might come in contact to like white on rice. If your a klutz like me, be sure all surfaces are clean or expect to be annoyed.

Final Verdict

All things considered I wouldn’t say it’s my favourite plug, I wouldn’t even go so far as to say it’s my second favourite, but since it’s crafted from a quality material, isn’t overwhelmingly large or intimidating, feels comfortable once in place, and grants the opportunity to brag about something most people never will (ahem, buttsecks with Baby J. Trust me, I know just how wrong that statement was), I can see how it might just become a favourite of many.

Is it potentially inappropriate, a little creepier than expected, and tacky as all hell? Certainly, but I’d like to think I’m a better person and reviewer for it. The things I do for you people. #YouWin

If you’re looking for quality sex toys made by a small company, and don’t have any religious guilt to deal with (or if you do and it’s the thing that gets you off), head over to Divine Interventions and grab something that might just help you get a little closer to God. Can I get an Amen?

Or for those that want the same level of quality, without the religious aspect, I’m going to offer up the Non-Denominational line of sex toys … just as great, but without all the fun of being a total blasphemous sinner.

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