I hate to say it, but I don’t make a habit of offering up household items you can masturbate with.  Don’t get me wrong, I know there are a lot of people who have limited options making things they find around the house seem rather appealing, but if someone isn’t sure of what they’re doing there’s a chance they could unintentionally harm themselves, or worse, do some serious physical damage.

That in mind, when I took on the responsibility of educating the masses about sex it included keeping them safe. In an attempt to help you avoid doing any harm while still learning about your body, here are some tips and ideas that might prove helpful, including a list of things I think would be okay for personal use whether you’re playing alone or with a partner.

 Approved Household Items You Can Masturbate With

For those with vulvas/vaginas

Fruits and vegetable are a great free option; only use vegetables that are ripe (no rotten, mushy, or soft spots, ), pliable, and have a smooth surface like a Cucumber, Zucchini, Banana, or Carrot  – again, make sure the ends aren’t sharp or pokey, wash them beforehand to remove any pesticides or other harmful chemicals, and use a condom.

If you don’t want to use fruits or vegetables but like that they’re discreet, there are vibrating corn and cucumbers as well as a product called the ‘emojibater‘ (its the eggplant emoji) that could be fun to play with.  If you want something a little more chill, why not go for a Popsicle dildo.  There’s also a bunch of fun food inspired sex toys by Hole Punch Toys; from radish butt plugs to an ‘ass cream cone‘.  Of course these aren’t items you’ll find lying around your house, but if you’re looking for totally discreet body safe options, they’re some of the best.

Note: don’t stick stuff fruits and veg in your butt, they don’t have a flared base to stop them from going so deep you can’t get them out. Yes, I’m serious. Just don’t.

Dilator Sets

Long tapered candles can be fun to explore with, especially if you find ones that have differing thickness. I’d also suggest opting for something with a higher melting point; soy based products tend to soften quickly which might make the difficult to insert, use, and remove. I’d also suggest staying away from anything scented or containing oils since there is no way to tell if the ingredients could be potentially harmful and the oils will break down a condom. Finally, definitely use a condom with candles; if it melts it could leave residual wax inside you that will be hard to remove.

Brush handle, rounded ones work best, try to avoid any with seams as they could cut or scrape you internally. You could also opt for a make up brush handle – usually you can find them in kits offering different sizes to play with (good for a vaginal dilator option). Try snagging something with a rounded base, rather than square or pointed, as it would make insertion easy and far more comfortable. Thick handles are best as you’re less likely to accidentally hurt yourself (thinner brushes have more potential for internal poking). Also, opt for one that doesn’t have any writing on the handle as it could rub off inside you.

DIY Vibrators

Personal Massager for clitoral or vulva stimulation.  Very often users don’t know what type of vibrations they like, be it deep and rumbly or surface level and buzzy,  opting to start with something familiar gives you the chance to explore without breaking the bank.

Electric Toothbrushs; the handle for insertion, the gentle or soft bristles for clitoral stimulation. Just keep in mind most of the newer versions have detachable brush heads. Not a good idea to insert the brush end as it could fall off while inserted. You’ll be able to get it out, but it won’t be fun.

That said, when thinking about this type of stimulation I highly suggest going small and cheap to start; a ‘Facial Massage Tool‘ (really, it’s a Pocket Rocket) or a bullet vibe  are perfect options. Not only are they discreet and affordable, they provide a high level of vibration for a decent price. If you try them and find them too surface level, maybe it would be worth it to spend more on a Whal Deep Tissue Massager or a Magic Wand (a.k.a. Hitachi Magic Wand, the one that started it all).  You can usually find cheap ones at local dollar stores. If you’re struggling to find anything Amazon usually has quite a few options available.

The vibration of a cell phone or gaming controller (external; vulva, clitoris, labia etc). In most cases the vibrations won’t be as strong as a typical vibrator, but if your sensitive (or just learning about your body) they could be enough.

Shower Play

Massaging Shower Head while bathing. Snag one that has a long cord and a variety of settings to offer different types of stimulation. Looking for something a little more fun, you could opt for a light up version.

Running water from the bathtub faucet; just lie on your back and let the water run over the vulva and clitoris. Choose times where temperatures won’t unexpectedly fluctuate (scalding your bits isn’t fun).  Also, it’s free which is definitely a good thing.

The washing machine while it’s on the “spin” cycle. You can sit on it or press your clitoris up against the corner for stimulation. It’s not the best in terms of vibration, but it might work for some.

Vibrating shower sponges can be a great option if you’re looking for something that’s discreet. The vibrations usually aren’t that powerful, but they can do the job when necessary.  If you’d prefer something with stronger vibrations, making a DIY version is pretty simple if you follow these steps: purchase any sized soft foam sponge you prefer (stay away from anything rough like natural loofahs, they’ll hurt), using an exacto knife cut a small but deep slit into the side of the sponge, insert your favorite waterproof bullet vibe (I prefer the WeVibe Tango as it has very strong vibrations), and go.  Feel free to experiment with various sized sponges and styles of sponge until you find one that works best for you.

Although you can use coconut oil, almond oil, and various other oils for masturbation purposes (opt for virgin, unrefined versions), soaps, shampoos, and body washes are not meant to be used internally. Jerking off (penis only) with them is fine, but even that might cause irritation. More on acceptable lubes below.

For Those Withe Penises

Fruit & Veggies

Carved out fruit or vegetables are a great way to explore different sensations and textures.  Avoid highly acidic fruits like oranges, lemons, and limes, as they could irritate the urethral opening at the tip of the penis. I’d also avoid anything that has seeds as they can sometimes be sharp, leading to painful small scrathes and abrasions; scooping out the seeds first is a good idea.  Everything considered, you’d be good to go with any of the following;

• Due to their maneuverability and shape, melons are a top choice; honeydew, cantaloupe, and small watermelons will work once the seeds are scooped out. If you have weak arms or have a had time holding things a melon could be easily placed on a surface (bed, table, counter, couch) while penetrated (if you cut one side flat it’ll sit in place easier and won’t roll).
• Grapefruits, oranges, and other thick fruits can easily be made into a stroker; simply cut the fruit into thick rings, remove the center (you’re basically creating a donut) and slide it up and down your shaft.  Side note, if you cut the fruit too thin it will last for a few strokes before falling apart. Also, remove all seeds before use as they can cut and scrape. Finally, avoid the tip of your penis as the acidity could be irritating.

Pillows etc

Couch cushions, mattress folds, and pillows can be manipulated to create different types of pressure.  Simply put a condom on, sandwich you penis between the objects, and go to it. I’ve heard that this works best if you’re either on your knees (between the mattress and box spring) or lying on your stomach (which adds to the pressure). Use things that can easily be washed, don’t use couch cushions if the cover can’t be removed.

You can make a pocket pussy out of various objects (simple instructions here, you can find more via Google).

Playing With Textures

Bubble wrap, considering all the different types available the options are almost endless. You can either cut a long strip and roll it up in a tube shape (so that there are layers) to create a stroker of sorts.  If that doens’t work try cutting a section, placing in your hand, and rubbing it up and down your shaft.  Just keep in mind that you’ll likely need a good lube to avoid uncomfortable friction or pulling of the skin on your penis.

Large plastic cup filled with pudding, jello, etc. A few things to note, both of these options are rather messy, and if left to dry without cleaning will get sticky. Also, depending on the type of jello you use it could stain fabrics. If you’re prone to yeast infections, opt for sugar free.

Line a plastic cup with two thick kitchen sponges add some lube and you’re good to go. Just remember to use the soft non-scratch side of the sponge… otherwise, ouch.

Gloves are an option too, though depending on the type you get there could be some pulling or chaffing. I’d suggest dish gloves or silicone oven mitts, and LOTS of lube (try playing with different textures). On that note, any type of fabric will likely absorb lube so you’ll need plenty. Also, colored gloves might temporarily stain body parts. Keep that in mind when stroking.

Socks or leg warmers (experiment with different textures, thicknesses, and lengths).

For Couples

Although this section doesn’t specifically cover household items you can masturbate with, it will offer up a whole bunch of ways you and your partner(s) can play with things you find around the house.

For those with limited mobility, back issues, or needing a little extra support, try opting for a large body pillow, firm pillows, a rolled up comforter or sleeping bag. They all work great when it comes to propping you up and exploring different positions.  More than that, they’re much cheaper than Liberator Sex Furniture.  If you expect to be kneeling all these options will work, as do knee pads designed for gardening and foam kneeling pads (added bonus: depending on the size, the latter are also fun to try and spank with).

Different sensations on erogenous zones can go a long way for heightening arousal and getting the juices flowing; ice cubes, feathers, electrostatic and micro fiber dusters, Wartenberg Pinwheels, fake flowers, and soy candles (they tend to have a lower melting point so there’s less of a chance you’ll get burned) can be fun to explore with.

BDSM

If you’re into spankings you’re in luck, simple things from around the house are often readily available or easy to find at very affordable prices; from spatulas (opt for silicone or wood) to paddle shaped cutting boards, wooden spoons, to leather belts (never hit anyone with the buckle, if possible see if you can remove it), stationary rulers (again, opt for plastic or wood over metal and make sure the edges aren’t sharp), flip flops and shoes of various sizes (make sure they’re clean), to books of different shapes and sizes (paperback feels different than a hardcover), and of course gloved hands, there are tonnes of options if you think outside the box.

* Check in regularly to ensure consent and that your partner is okay with the products you’re using.

Neck ties, belts with double-d rings, skipping rope, and scarves can all be used to restrain your partner. Again, make sure this is something they are okay with and have scissors handy just in case you’re unable to easily release them. On that note, don’t use any special knots or tie them too tightly; rope burn and the inability to untie a partner can be a painful and stressful situation if not properly prepared.

Lubes

Personally I highly suggest investing in a good, affordable, body safe lubricant like Sliquid H20 (here’s my comparison review of 5 different Sliquid lubes), however being that this post is dedicated to household items you can masturbate with I figure I’d better cover lubes as well.

The Don’ts

If you’re planning on masturbating in the shower I don’t advise using soap, shampoo, body wash, shaving cream, conditioner, or bubble bath for internal use.  Not only can the chemicals cause irritation, strip away the naturally occuring bacteria, and/or dry out your skin, they could also cause infection.  On that note, if you’re using them for external stimulation (penis only) you might be able to get away with it, but even then there might be irritation and drying. Instead I’d opt for natural unrefined virgin oils since they’ll work in water (we’ll get to that in a bit).

I’ve heard of people using margarine/butter/lard for jerking off (penis only), and although they could be used if nothing else is available, I wouldn’t. Margaine is composed of chemicals that probably shouldn’t come into contact with your genitals. Separately, no one knows if it’s safe. With regard to butter, casein proteins from the milk can become rancid pretty quickly. Rotting animal proteins and genitals really aren’t a good mix. On top of that, it’ll stain your sheets and clothing, not to mention be messy and difficult to clean up. Again, if there’s nothing else available you could probably get away with it, however I absolutely would not suggest either for internal usage (vaginal/anal).

Absolutly Not…

For some reason people think it’s okay to use ointments like Rub-A535, Bengay, Vicks Vapo Rub, and Tiger Balm as lubricants. This is a bad on idea on so many levels. First and foremost, these products clearly state on the care sheet “For External Use Only”; the ingredients shouldn’t come into contact with mucuous membranes, can sting and cause severe irritation, aren’t easily washed off, can break down condoms, and will stain clothes and sheets.

I know some of you might be thinking that means externally stimulating with them is okay. Sorry but no. They’ll cause irritation and burning and could damage the delicate tissue of your penis or vulva. More than that, they might even cause an infection. I personally know someone that jerked off with BenGay, it burned so bad he needed a hospital visit. Within a week the top layer of skin on his penis changed color (not permanently) and began peeling off. Again, just don’t. It’s not worth the pain and suffering.

Vaseline (petroleum jelly) and Baby Oil (mineral oil) are hard no’s. Sure, they might get the job done, but the possible negative side effects aren’t worth it. Researchers at UCLA conducted a study on vaginal health (2013), the study determined that those who used petroleum jelly vaginally were 2.2 times more likely to experience vaginosis, unusual vaginal discharge, bacterial overgrowth in the vagina, burning sensations, and irritation. Those that used mineral oil were much more likely to have an overgrowth of Candida (a fungus that can lead to yeast infections) in their vagina.

Health risks aside, due to its composition Vaseline acts as a water repelent barrier that clogs pores and doesn’t desolve in water; when it comes time to clean up you’ll have a hard time washing it off.  This is definitely a problem if you use it internally. Also, it”ll stain clothes and sheets. Like I said, hard no’s.

The Do’s

A neutral hand lotion is a cheap and easy option for those with penises. Opt for unscented versions that are free of parabens, dye, and alcohol. Also, don’t expect lotion to last long; most lotions are formulated to absorb quickly. For those with vaginas you’ll want to go another route as internal use will likely throw off your vaginal chemistry, cause irritation or an infection.

*If you’re not sure if you’ll have a bad reaction test a small amount on the inside of your wrist; if you don’t break out in a rash it should be fine.

Pure Aloe Vera Gel is a great option for those looking for something natural. The thick consistency is great for keeping things slick and slippery, it’s non-toxic, will absorb nicely, has healing properties, and is affordable. Just make sure you’re purchasing 100% Aloe Vera with no dyes, added chemicals, fragrances, or alcohol like this one. If you’d prefer to make your own you can usually buy Aloe Vera plants at home and garden stores. As an added bonus because Aloe isn’t oil based it’s safe for use with latex and polyurethane condoms.

Natural Oil Lubricants

Natural unrefined virgin oils, like fractioned coconut oil, sweet almond oil, and grapeseed oil are good for clitoral stimulation, massaging the vulva, intercourse, and jerking off.

When shopping look for pure oils that are natural/virgin, unscented, fragrance free, dye free, and preservative-free. Partially hydrogenated/refined oils contain additives that might cause irritation or leave the skin dryer than before.

Some tips For Using Natural Oils As Lube

• Do a patch test on the inside of your wrist to make sure you wont have an allergic reaction (some are allergic to nuts like coconut and amonds).
• Use natural oils sparingly, an excess buildup of oil in the vagina can be a breeding ground for yeast and/or unwanted bacteria (this often isn’t an issue, but it’s best to be on the safe side).
• If you’re prone to yeast infections steer clear; coconut oil is naturaly antifungal and antibacterial, as such it could disrupt vaginal pH balance and cause a yeast infection.
• On that note, any kind of natural oil left for long periods of time within your vagina or vulva (labial folds and clitoral hood) can possibly go rancid causing foul smelling odours, vaginal and urinary tract infections, and bacterial overgrowth. Simply wash with a gentle soap and water and you should be fine (external only).
• Natural oils will break down latex condoms, gloves, dental dams, diaphragms, and other latex products reducing their effectiveness. Polyurethane and lambskin condoms are ok.
• Oils can be messier, harder to remove, and there’s the possibility of staining clothing and sheets. A simple patch test on fabrics can determine if they’ll stain.
• Oils aren’t compatible with all sex toys. Do a patch test first to make sure yours will be okay.

 Tips & Suggestions

• Always make sure the product you’re using is clean and in proper working order; i.e. no deep scratches, broken parts, jagged edges, wobbly pieces, has no smell or caked on dirt, missing parts etc.

• DO NOT use things like pens, pencils, or markers as they could leak the ink/dye into your vagina. Or worse, stab you with the sharp writing end.

• DO NOT use anything made of glass unless it is specifically designed for that type of use. Yes, they can break and that is EXTREMELY dangerous!  (don’t believe me, just look up “One Man One Jar”, it’s horrifying.)

• DO NOT use anything that accidentally pinch, poke, jab, cut, or scrape you.

• Always use a condom to help minimize the transfer of bacteria.

• Always use a compatible lubricant to minimize friction and avoid any possible tearing.

• I really shouldn’t have to write this but I’m going to anyways – PETS ARE NOT SEX TOYS, AND NEITHER IS MEAT FROM THE GROCERY STORE! Don’t, just don’t.

That’s pretty much all I can suggest for now, hopefully it helped in some way. If you have any questions feel free to get in touch via my contact page, or if you happen to have a suggestion that worked for you, I’d love if you shared in the comment section below.

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