With the New Year upon us I figured it was time I posted my list of Best & Worst Sex Toys of 2012… considering I recently deemed 2012 as ‘the one where I started cramming even more bizarre stuff in my bits‘ (and in turn managed to hardly use anything that vibrated, weird), I can’t help but be excited to share my findings. On that note, since I didn’t do a list for 2011
lazy slacker that I’ve been, I’ve included a few products from the previous year as they’re ones I’ve kept tucked aside in my “personal stash” just ’cause I loved them so (and in my world that makes them worthy of the inclusion).
A few things to note:
- the list isn’t in any order, just a compilation of my faves and not so faves as they came upon me. Pun not intended.
- now’s a really good time to start looking for sex toy deals and discounts, especially since many retailers are looking to unload back stocked items. Need help with where to start, check my sex toy sale page.
1.) No matter the skin tone, Vixen Creations Maverick is a hero among fake cocks. It’s big. It’s girthy. It’s supple and squishy. It provides a feeling of fullness that can’t be properly put to words. And most importantly, it feels pretty damn close to the real deal. In short, it’s amazing in every way you’d expect, and then some. Oh, and in case I forgot to mention it also comes in a neon tie-dye color that is beyond choice.
2.) If unsurpassed g-spot stimulation is something you crave YOU NEED the Jollie by Chavez Designz. Not only is it designed to be anatomically correct – read: targets the g-spot PERFECTLY – it’s also totally customizable, so whether you want one filled with sparkles, hearts, stars or anything else your little heart desires, it’s totally doable. Mine was filled with multi-colored puff balls. Amazing! On the down side it’s expensive, on the up side it’s TOTALLY worth it.
3.) Truth be told, I’m a sucker for a rainbow (insert overplayed joke about ‘double rainbows‘ here), especially one that comes in the shape of a 4’ inch dildo w/ superb coloring, a supple yet firm base, and silky smooth texturing. While it didn’t quite bring me to tears, nor endow me with the gift of a pot of gold, or a fucked up evil little leprechaun prancing about in black clogs offering up wishes in exchange for my soul, it has helped me reach a glorious O each and every time I’ve used it. Although I’d certainly appreciate a pot of gold or two, I just don’t know if I could live in a world where rainbow dildos were a thing of legend. Thank you Babes ‘n Horny for making the Kusama, thank you!
4.) It’s been said before that design is everything, and in the case of the Vixen Creations Buddy Butt Plug it’s true. In fact, it may just be one of the very best I’ve had. It’s comfortable, made of non-porous body safe silicone, inserts almost effortlessly, and once in place, feels surprisingly comfortable, managing to stay put without slipping out every five seconds, and it certainly doesn’t make you feel like you have to poop (I hear that about butt toys far too often). It’s also discreet, a definite bonus for those that value their privacy.
5.) There is nothing quite like the Star Delight Frosted Dildo by Crystal Delights; aside from being stunning, each of the lovely bumps running the length of the glass shaft create the most indescribable feeling during thrusting, while the slightly textured finish (not quite rough, not quite smooth) adds a sensation I’ve rarely experienced before. Simply put, it’s otherworldly. Yes I know how full of shit and tacky that sounded… just don’t knock it til you tried it. As if that wasn’t enough, each piece comes with its own Swarovski Crystal embedded in the base… and you’ve got 5 different colors to choose from. Consider yourself spoiled.
6.) Glory, glory Hallelujah! Sweet almighty! and Amen to that! …is what my vagina would say each and every time it came into contact with the Divine Interventions Diving Nun, that is if it could talk of course. But it can’t, which is a good thing, because if it could, I doubt it would ever shut up. As for the defining features that make the Diving Nun so distinguished; first, there’s that delicious, ever present, hard to miss curve gracing the g-spot with every thrust, then there’s the ripples laced along the back of the shaft adding an element of surprise and pleasure all of their own. Yes, you’ll have to get over the guilt that comes with cramming a silicone Nun all up in yer bits, but that’s besides the point. Forget cleanliness, this is next to Godliness…. almost literally.
8.) Although it’s not a sex toy the Fascinator Throe by Liberator is something everyone should have. Like literally EVERYONE. There’s no reason not to, and so many reasons one should: you can use it as a blanket to cuddle with on cold winter nights, bring it along for a picnic (if you spill on one side, just flip it over), use it at the beach to lay on, or totally go to town on yourself (or your partner) fully knowing it’ll sop up all the fluids. No matter what you use it for, rest assured it’ll leave the surface area underneath totally dry and protected. It’s revolutionary in a way that not only leaves me impressed, but also highly jealous that I didn’t think of it first. Anyone know how long before the patent is up?
9.) I never really thought of sticking a popsicle in my vag until I saw the iScream dildo by Love to Love (the same people that brought you the neon pink vibrating banana – I kid you not), now every time I see a box of them in the frozen food section of the grocery store I can’t help but get aroused. Seriously… and it’s kinda freaking me out. From the smooth and supple silicone body, to the at-first-awkward-then-totally-worthy-popsicle stick handle, it’s the thing every frozen treat wishes it could be: vagina worthy.
10.) Life by Leaf is one of those products whos appearance will likely leave you underestimating both its power and usefulness. Don’t be mistaken, in that tiny elf boot like body hides one of the best and most surprisingly powerful motors I’ve seen in a vibe, especially considering it’s so small. With a simple push button activation, supple silicone exterior, curved body snugly hugging the vulva, ergonomic design cradling the hand almost perfectly, and a vibration that’s strong enough to be carried through its entirety, Life has pretty much everything your clitoris and masturbastion session could ask for, and then some.
1.) If there was one sex toy this year that could make my vagina run and hide just at the sight of it, it’s the Tantus T-Rex. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s a massive beast that I’m sure many would love, but for me, it’s just too much. The size alone was a deal-breaker from the start. As for that lip, the one I had to fight past on every occasion, cringing the entire time, shit, it made the whole experience almost unbearable… let’s just say there was many a drink to be had before I could finally relax enough to enjoy it, if you want to call it that. I don’t. And it’s too bad, because it’s made by a company I absolutely adore. Meh, you can’t win ’em all.
2.) Let me just sum this up in 5 simple words: I. Hate. The. Rock. Box. Yes, hate is a strong word. Yes, I HATE it. It’s like having sex with a mechanical bull and not being able maintain any sort of rhythm because it keeps turning off – all thanks to that irriating-doesnt-want-to-stay-put-no-matter-how-I-tape-it power cord. Then there’s the stupid handle, the one that’s supposed to be ‘ergonomic’ but instead continually gets in the way. And the weight of it is just totally unacceptable for a ‘vibator’, I’d have better luck trying to bang a bowling ball (well ain’t that a pretty image…). And all those parts and pieces, ugh don’t even bother. Stupid Rock Box is stupid. I hate it. I hate it. I HATE IT. ‘Nuff said.
3.) If I had to pick a product for a 3rd, and I mean absolutely had to pick because my life depended on it, it would likely be either the Tantus Panty Play (due to the fact that it’s not remote controlled, which would have made it totally badass – in truth I quite loved it, I just didn’t like that I couldn’t control the vibrations or offer up the control to someone else), or the Intimate Organics Flavored Lubes (while they tasted relatively good, they were a little too strong for my liking).
So there it is, my fave and not so fave sex toys of 2012, let this be a guide in helping you find something truly worthwhile when searching out your next fix.
p.s. I promise to stick more up in my bits in 2013 so my list at the end of next year is twice as good, and potentially a tad more well rounded… what can I say, my vagina has slowly been won over by things that don’t vibrate. Who woulda thunk it?!
Want to stay up to date with the new reviews? Just sign up for an email update through the form below!